lost intimacy

879 Views 9 Replies 10 Participants Last post by Christine&men, Apr 13, 2006

rikiamber

Discussion Starter · Apr 7, 2006

This is going to be a long post but I need some wisdom from all those moms out there.

A little history: I meet my dh (technically partner at the moment since we are not married on paper only in heart) on line a little over a year ago, yes I know I have head it before and have shook my head at similar situations, this was a rushed relationship. We fell inlove over the phone long before we ever met in person. I moved to his state shortly there after and we started a life together. Things have been going great, he is wonderful for the most part, but lately I have been disapointed.

The problem: I became pregnant in the fall, about 6 months after i moved in with him and we were both excited, still are excited. We both want to have a family together and I couldnt imagine raising my children with a better man. He has great family values and adores children, he also puts up with many of my crunchy ways though his is far from crunchy himself. He is even wonderfully patient and loving to our puppies which in my opinion says a great deal about a man. One of the many things about him that I love is that for him, intimacy is emotional and mental, its really not about the physical aspect. He is very much like a woman so-to-speak in this aspect. But we have run into a snag in our err bed sheets i could say. With my ever developing pregnancy our intimacy has decreased, he has expressed concern over my comfortabality during such times and that he just cant keep focused on the task at hand because he is thinking about the baby. He says that "Your yoni is no longer just a yoni now, its womb."
I really need some physical affection, i wouldnt care if he just held me for an hour or so, brushed my hair, talked to me or just spent time with me. He works a terrible shift 3am to 3pm and is in bed by 6pm. I am home all day, keeping house, tending to my MIL (she is disabled and I am her personal care assistant), letting the dogs in and out of the house 50 times in an hour, making sure that dinner is ready when he gets home, running errends and everything else that goes along with it. This stay at home business is no joke and I dont even have a kid yet (that comes in June). I am in my 7th month of pregnancy and well I am getting pretty uncomfortable with my body, I cant sleep as well anymore, bend down or really do anything like I use to. I dont think he understands. Granted yes I dont spend 12+ hours "working" like he does, but I do work, and I am away from him and when he comes home first thing he does after changing clothes and leaving them on the floor is sit down infornt of his computer until its bed time. Every-single-day!

He denys this of course and tells me about the few collected hours he's out working on some other project. It seems that he finds extra time only to give it away to everyone but me. He works Sun-Thurs, often gets called in on days off, fri. is computer gaming night (starts mid afternoon though), sat. is is LARP day and he will work on projects all day for that, so thursday nights are open right? no now he has given them to his friends so they can play role playing games till the wee hours of moring, leaving me home alone, yet again. I never got asked if I would like to join them, not that I would but it would be nice to be asked. The worst part of it all is that I dont have a girlfriend up here yet that I feel that I can confide in and cry to, or hang out with. I am kinda isolated. I dont know what to do about all this, yet I know exactally what I need to do. I feel so alone even when he's in the room, I am scaird of depression, I am tired of him filling his project plate so full that I dont fit anywhere. I dont want to have seperate social lives i dont feel right about it. I dont want to feel left out anymore, or like some weird room mate.

*sigh* I just need to get this out, theres so much more to say though. I do love this man, and I dont want to think being with him is a mistake, we rushed into this relationship yes, but we have made a commitment to eachother and we need to honor that commitment, we have a child to think of now and our future. I am sure there are many things that I am doing wrong and slacking on too, and those things will get pointed out to me I am sure of it. I dont know what I am asking for, advice, wisdom, a listening ear, simpathy, apathy? anything I guess. Its just nice to get things off my chest for a change.

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yogachick79

· #2 · Apr 7, 2006

DH went through a faze like that shortly before we got married and then again shortly before ds was born. Come to think of it, he is having one currently too. We too had a short romance, although we knew each other from highschool. We started dating Feb of 04, had moved 1200 miles from home by July of 04, were engaged in July, pregnant that December, married the following Feb and had DS last September. So granted we have had a few years under our belt, I know that sometimes he still misses his "singleness". I have this theory that men are way more selfish when it comes to giving up their personal time etc for something that doesn't directly mean fun time. Okay, with all of those words, what I am trying to say is that he might be freaking out about the pending birth and not want to tell you because he doesn't want you to think that he isn't happy about it. Because there is a BIG difference between freaking out and not wanting. They get overthe freak out factor eventually. And you may need to sit him down and let him know how you are feeling. Just know that you are not alone

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afishwithabike

· #3 · Apr 7, 2006

Our situation is similar. DH and I began dating in Jan of 02 and married in Jun 02. DD came in May of 04 and DS in Jul of 05. He still has his "me" moments. It is not like that ALL the time though. I usually just hang on to the "us" moments and when the "me" moments arise I think back to ALL the fun "us" moments and it doesn't seem so bad.

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phathui5

· #4 · Apr 8, 2006

Quote:

I never got asked if I would like to join them, not that I would but it would be nice to be asked.

Go ahead and invite yourself, on the condition that LARP is something that you're into or interested in doing. Don't go just to go and hang out with him. It's great if you two can have a shared hobby, but it would probably be weird for him and his friends if you go and don't play.

Quote:

The worst part of it all is that I dont have a girlfriend up here yet that I feel that I can confide in and cry to, or hang out with. I am kinda isolated.

Get yourself to La Leche League. You can find a local group by going to http://www.lalecheleague.org Pregnant moms are welcome at meetings and this is a good time for you to start building up that support network. From there, invite one of the moms to go to lunch or come over and start making friends.

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Shiloh

· #5 · Apr 8, 2006

yeah that first year that we've somehow thought was going to be mildly romantic

....

Sounds like the honeymoon is over, dh is seeing you as the mothergodess not sexgodess type and you are feeing 'alone' in your needs.

Quote:

He says that "Your yoni is no longer just a yoni now, its womb."

I am not sure what yoni is...but the womb and the fun stuff are kinda seperate maybe he needs the diagram to see that the fun park and the baby area are kinda seperate.

Quote:

Granted yes I dont spend 12+ hours "working" like he does,

sounds like you do much much more than 12.

Quote:

but I do work, and I am away from him and when he comes home first thing he does after changing clothes and leaving them on the floor is sit down infornt of his computer until its bed time. Every-single-day!

Okay men are simple tell him you will eat dinner together and spend 30 minutes, 60 minutes couple time connecting then he's free to do what he likes. When you quantify this for them they get it so from 6-7:30 is your time together after that he can goof off. (oh sorry after the kitchen is cleaned up

I also hate to point out you feel in love with his computer addicted self...

but sit down and ask him to set out a schedual you both can do that will make your life easier together (like wed's is grocery night, thursday is date night...) divide up the chores etc. But he's got his life and just put you as dessert on the side, not integrates you in...threaten to take up gaming

the first year is turf warfare, not a honeymoon... the juvenille things men do when they first are together is absolutely shocking...you think you've married a great guy, and the more he feels comforatable with you he starts farting in front of you and thinks its hillarious...stops shaving, impress who? brush what teeth? yeah... you'll make it through that is why women get upset when the man they spent years and tears house training runs off with someone else....

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Malkah

· #6 · Apr 8, 2006

I think everyone that get's married and starts a fam has some sort of problem like this. We must understand that marriage is not just about being in love...it's about blending two very seperate and different lives together to form a whole. Not that 2 become 1, but 2 must learn to live together as 1. It isn't as easy as loving eachother. Although that is a great perk, and essential to a marriage. For us, we were friends for a short while through other mutual friends, but were only intimate for 3 months before we got pregnant. We were both excited, but that doesn't always equal to a happy ever after. In fact, we are married with 2 dd's now, and we still aren't perfectly fit to eachother. For us, it's about always being willing to communicate, and understand eachother. Being able on BOTH parts to stop thinking about what you want or need, and honor the other. If you both give, you both receive. We bicker, and feel neglected at times. But, because we love eachother and care about the other truly being happy, we always seem to work it out. I don't think it's as easily defined as making a set schedule, or time frame that "belongs" to one another. What works for us is knowing that we can always "strike a deal", in that if there is something we want, or somewhere we need to be, we are always willing to make it work. For me, I am a SAHM, and my hubby works a lot, and does a model airplane club on the weekends. I know how you feel about feeling isolated and alone. But, it has been a great relief for me to know that he would give up his me time for me for any reason, just because I asked. Like this weekend, the weather was forcasted poor, so he didn't plan to go. However, looking out this AM proved to be sunshine, yet, he knew how happy I was to have him this weekend, so he is staying anyway. Granted, if he asked, I would let him go, it's the empathy for how I feel. I would also like to add from my experience, a lot of men just get uncomfortable sexually when it comes to pregnancy. You worded it perfect. Your yoni is not presently for him. It may help to show him literature to demonstrate otherwise, however, for some men that isn't exactly the problem. It just isn't what some men prefer. It also may help to suggest that you have fun now, because if you plan a vaginal birth, it will be sometime before you are physically able to have fun. Please remember that "sex" isn't the only avenue of intimacy, and I suggest communicating with him how you feel, and that you need to be comforted in this time of alienation from your normal body. I never actually experienced that, as my hubby has always been very attracted to me during pregnancy...in fact my 2nd pregnancy it was almost like fending off a love-sick dragon!! LOL!! But all men are different, as are all women...so this is a very personal affair. A lot of the men my dh is friends with felt much like your dh regarding their pregnant dw's....and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or is less attracted to you...it's just weird to be pregnant, and some guys don't like the idea of "sharing". My best suggestion is this: communicate. Sit him down and tell him it is important to you to talk. Great marriages aren't free from problems...but communication is essential. Tell him everything you told us, and that you have needs that must be met. I'm sure he will understand. Some men just need things to be spelled out. I know from experience....I tend to think my hubby should "just know" a lot of things, and it has caused many debates. I have found that when I stop assuming he should just do or know something automatically, and gently verbalize my wants, he is almost always willing to reciprocate. Anyway, best of luck, and I agree that you should be more active about finding friends in your area. Also, try finding your tribe, it's a section of this forum.

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crazyeight

· #7 · Apr 9, 2006

My dh is a gamer too. Mostly computer but when i moved into his house he had a playstation AND an xbox....dun dun dun....My first relationship where i moved in with a guy: he was a HUGE gamer...played all hours of the day, sometimes right through the weekend without a peep to me. although i wasn't pg it was hurtful cause he spent all his time with them. I literally lived in the bedroom cause and didn't have anyone. I ended up not staying with him. The next relationship I was in was someone who i had known for 4 years and dated off and on. We ended up getting pg with my ds and I moved in with him. At first he was all supportive and loving. Wanted to make sure everything was ok even took birth classes with me. He then started going out driving around ALL the time. Would drive for hours on end, day, night, after work. I hardly saw him and was left home making my ds a blanket without anyone to love me. It hurt too. We were intimate up until the day ds was born (overdue and sex helped!!! hehehe). When ds was brought home from the hospital EVERYTHING changed. BF was very changed by the birth and i knew after about a week that we weren't working, that i couldn't rely on him and didn't feel that he was going to be a good parent.

When my ds was 4 weeks old I was visiting my parents and a lifelong friend was on vacation from the AF. He had been at the hospital when ds was born, he was there a few days later and held him and we had been intimate before but his parents had just moved to the state and we hadn't been able to have a real relationship. I knew that he was being transferred to Tucson and had told me in the past that if i needed anything for the baby or myself or if i wanted to move out there with him he would support me, get me an apartment help me as much as he could. At that point in time i told him that i wanted to go with him that my BF wasn't going to do this and that i couldnt do it myself. We got married 3 days later. We are still together. As you read in other peoples post they got married quickly too. They are still working. My dh ALSO (can't get away from these guys!!) computer games and spends alot of time doing that, he also is in the military AND works a p/t job. The jobs support us enough so that i don't have to work. I feel lucky that he is ok with this situation.

The big thing i wanted to get across to you is that my dh didn't know he was going to be a full time dad. didn't have ANY time to prepare. It took him a few months to get used to the idea and he wasn't really good with ds until he started to crawl and play (which is pretty normal). We are pg now and its ANOTHER surprise....poor dh never wanted kids....

Hes taking time to adjust to this too. Although I am pretty lonely with NEVER seeing him. He ends up working 7 days a week, plays some computer games and then theres nothing left for me. We don't even sleep together. Point is IF he had some time that he wasn't working and we were both awake together i would want him to spend time with me and would push it ALOT more. You may think your dh is "kinda girl like" in the feelings dept. but most guys are WAY off. They don't pick up signals or hints. They like you to be blunt. I think that a simple "Why don't you spend time with me anymore?" You know how toddlers will play side by side but not really together? Thats play to them. He may think that him playing on the computer right beside the couch is like spending time with you. If thats what he says just say "no, honey i feel to spend time together we need to be having a conversation, touching and intimacy" (inset ideal togetherness "project".

I agree whole heartedly with LLL meetings. I don't have friends here either and would love to go but ds would be wreaking havoc. They only meet once a month usually so don't hang back and think oh i'll talk to someone next time.

Good luck with the communication barrier!! Don't think that because he doesn't "love on you" he doesn't love YOU.

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onlyzombiecat

· #8 · Apr 9, 2006

I have a gamer dh too. He has cut down quite a bit but it is important to him. I have to accept that.
I think you have to be frank with him about your needs and feelings. Use "I feel, I want" statements not "You didn't, You need to" statements. I've found it easier sometimes to communicate with my dh in writing- on paper or on the computer.
It can be hard to find time together but if you both want your relationship to last and grow it'll probably be necessary to work some compromise out.

A surprising book that has helped me communicate with my dh actually is How To Talk Talk So Your Kids will Listen, And Listen So Your kids Will Talk. I got it to help with dd but it really can apply to anyone.

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salmontree

· #9 · Apr 10, 2006

Hi rickiamber,
I'm a sahm and can relate with what you are going through.. If you want to meet for coffee or something somewhere and hang out, I'd be game. I've always wanted to learn how to knit... You can PM me..

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Christine&men

· #10 · Apr 13, 2006

I second the La Leche League. At least it would get you out of the house to like-minded gals. I suppose it would help you to get a little out of the house, since the situation seems to be overwhelming for you... So, how about free university, church groups, etc ?

As for the intimacy, during my first pregnancy everything was great as long as only my boobs were growing. When the belly protruded ... And now I am 8 months and again, no, nothing, nada, zilch. I too would like to be held but my weight seems to be squashing him... I don't even get any footrubs anymore... Sorry, the news don't get much better since after birth it took us a long time to get active again... I guess it is normal.

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