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Last Tuesday, July 18, 2006, I had to deliver my little Angel on the day I turned 19 weeks. My DH and I have been trying to have a baby for three and a half years. I had my first m/c on March 27th of 2004. We had been trying for a year and a half and felt like, finally, we did it! And then two weeks after we found out, I had a lot of cramping, and then started bleeding and then passed a big blood clot. I knew it was over. In reading a lot of the posts here, I am surprised that people can tell the difference of what is what when they lose one that early. I, not knowing what to do, flushed it down the toilet. I didn't think there was anything else to do about it. I was devastated for so long. What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me that it took so long in the first place? Why didn't God want me to have a baby? We named the baby Sam as we did not know if it was a boy or girl.
My mom was diagnosed with a recurrence of breast cancer that August, and it hit me again that if that baby had only lived, my mom could see a grandchild from me, as it was due on November 18th, 2004. My brother and sister both had children for my mom to be a part of their lives, pictures with grandma, grandma babysitting at a moment's notice, actual memories of grandma. My mom died on January 14th, 2005, and I have been grieving the loss of my baby and my mom ever since.
I was diagnosed with a severe case of endometriosis in March of 2004 and underwent laproscopic surgery, but my doctor said he couldn't get to all of it, and that if I had surgery again, he would have to cut me open and get at it with a scalpel. That was two years ago, and I haven't had any other treatments for my endo. At least I finally had a cause as to what was wrong with me in getting pregnant.
Then on April 9th of this year another miracle, I found out I was finally pregnant again. My DH and I were so excited and happy. We did it! At my last appointment, my midwife read the report from my endo doc, and was surprised at the severity of it. It hit me that all children are miracles, but my baby was truly a miracle for getting through all of the muck that is my insides and staying in there. I kept telling him (I had a feeling it was a boy) that he was a fighter like his momma and to continue to grow strong and healthy in there. I tried not to be paranoid about losing this one and especially after I passed my first trimester, I was convinced that nothing bad would happen with this one. Seeing him on the ultrasound at 8 weeks, hearing his heartbeat on the doppler at 11 weeks and 15 weeks were the greatest things for me and my DH.
Then on Friday the 14th, I woke up at 2 o'clock in the a.m. with the worst heartburn I have ever had. I would sleep and wake, sleep and wake, and when I would wake, I would have terrible thoughts about the baby. So when I woke up for good that morning, I talked to him, asking him to move for his momma so I could feel him and know that he was okay. I kept telling my DH that I should have felt him move by now, being 18 weeks already, and he kept telling me that the baby was okay and not to worry.
I called my best friend who works in labor and delivery at a hospital in town and asked her when she worked next so she could do an ultrasound to relieve my bad feelings. So on Sunday the 16th, she called to say they weren't busy and to come in. We went in and my worst fears had come true, he wasn't moving and we couldn't pick up a heartbeat on the monitor or the doppler. We couldn't believe it.
I called my doctor's office first thing Monday morning and scheduled an ultrasound. After just a few seconds, the tech confirmed that the baby had died a couple of days before. She called my midwife and another doctor in, and they told me I would have to come back the next day and deliver the baby. I was numb. I still am.
Labor took about 10 hours. Right when the anestheologist gave me the epidural and they laid me back down, I had two big contractions, as I still wasn't numb, and then I felt my son come out. My husband and I just looked at each other and started crying. I asked to see him right away, and the doctor told me that he came out in the sac and they would have to open it up. Then they brought him over, and he was just the most tiny perfect little guy. The doctor didn't want to say it, but everyone could tell that it was a boy. He was still in the fetal position with his legs folded up against his stomach, his left arm around his legs, and his right hand was across his chest over his heart. He was absolutely perfect except for some swelling in his head and abdomen from being dead for a couple of days, but I couldn't get over the fact that he was so beautiful, perfect eyes, closed of course, little nose and thin little lips, just like his daddy.
My husband at first didn't want to hold him, but then asked to and was so happy that he did. I told him I wanted to take pictures and had brought a digital camera. At first he didn't want to do that either, but he was the one who pulled it out and took some pictures. When my dad came into the room and held him and started talking to him, he started sobbing really hard, and my dad never cries, not when his parents died or my mom, at least not in front of anyone, so that was really hard.
We all spent about three hours with him before I told the nurse to go ahead and take him to weigh and measure him. He was 7 inches and 3.5 ounces, long and skinny just like his daddy. They asked us for his name. We hadn't really picked one out yet. I told my DH that I would want to name him Michael after the Archangel Michael. I had been praying to him and God for years for healing of my reproductive organs to have a baby, and after all, they did answer my prayers. The only problem was my brother's youngest is named Michael and I didn't want to name the baby after him, so we agreed on the Spanish version of Miguel, and Leonard after my DH. Then we had the mortuary pick him up and we came home.
I didn't know how I was going to get through it, but holding him, talking to him, taking pictures of him and having my DH there with me every step of the way helped me so much. We had him cremated and had a service for him at the mortuary on Saturday the 22nd. All of our family and friends came to pray for him and us. We were going to have him buried, but at the last minute, my DH said to me that he just wanted to bring him home. I am so glad that we did. He is in a beautiful silver urn. I want to have a cabinet made for him. Had he lived, we would have brought him home with us and it should still be that way. He will be our forever baby.
I don't pretend to know or understand, and I know there will be many, many dark days ahead, but for right now I am just trying to tread the dark waters of grief that I have known before and not lose hope of going all the way someday and delivering a full-term, healthy, happy baby for my husband and I to love and raise and for Miguel to look over.
Rosalie 12/05/44-1/14/05
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: Sam 3/27/04
Miguel Leonard
 

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I'm so sorry, mama.

Miguel
 

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I am sorry for all of your losses. You have endured quite a bit over the last couple of years. May you find the strength to find some happiness.
 

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I am so sorry Mama.
 

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Your story has me in tears
Sending you soo much love and praying that your hearts desire be granted
 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your babies and your mom. Miguel sounds like he deserves to be named after an angel. I am praying for your strength and hope and your family is in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story and your little boy with us. I am glad that you have found us here -- sharing here has been very healing for me and I hope that you will find some peace here too.
 

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I am truly sorry for your loss. Life is unpredictable and never guaranteed. And it's loss is tragic.

I pray that one day you will have your baby for you and your DH to hold and love.
 

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, I am so very sorry for your losses...I hope you find comfort here and make some new friends along the way. Time will lessen the pain but it will never comepletely go away. Personally, I found it very comforting to come here and talk to other women who went through the same thing and I hope you can find that comfort too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I want to thank all the mamas out there that have read about my Miguel, have cried, have prayed, have related, have shared my experience with me. I pray for each and every one of your hearts to be healed. I know I am not alone.

 
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