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Lunch with an old (old) boyfriend?

667 Views 36 Replies 30 Participants Last post by  nylecoj
So I ran into my freshman year of college boyfriend in Starbucks yesterday, and it turns out he works in my building! We didn't really talk - we were both w/people from our work, but he said let's have lunch, and I gave him my office phone (BTW, this is my last week of work before quitting to go to school full-time).

I told DH that I saw this ex last night (don't know if I'd mentioned him in the past but it's such ancient history, I can't remember the last time I saw him, probably 7 or 8 years ago or more). DH said, don't tell me about stuff like that! I don't want to know if you talk to an ex!

So, he didn't want to continue the conversation, I didn't say anything about lunch b/c frankly, I didn't think the ex would call. Well, he has. He left me a voicemail asking about lunch or drinks sometime this week...

WWYD? There is NOTHING between us. At all. I think the ex may be married. I think it's totally ok for me to meet w/him. But, I feel weird doing it w/o being totally upfront w/DH. But DH doesn't want to hear about it....

What a pickle!

BTW, I really doubt this would start up any kind of friendship or anything w/this ex...
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I, personally, wouldn't go because I would be uncomfortable with dp going to meet up with an ex. I know that neither of us would do anything inappropriate or anything, it's just a comfort thing.

If he didn't even want you to mention this man, it sounds like he would also be really uncomfortable with you meeting him for lunch. It sounds like you have the potential of really hurting your dh's feelings if you go behind his back to see the ex. JMO, take it or leave it.
BF and I share what we do during the day and what's going on the next, usually over wine in the evening, so I'd let him know. But I don't have a BF that has any issue with ex partners. We both talk about our former relationships because they're a part of who we are and it would just seem awkward to talk about something from the past (a great experience, travel, show) and leave out who was with us.

It's hard for me to imagine what I'd do because your partner's response is so out of my experience. I think I would mention lunch and then really listen to my partner's feelings and talk through them. In the end if he was really upset about the idea I'd respect that because you mentioned you didn't even think this would lead to a friendship.
I think your dp is being a bit selfish. I have very good friendships with 2 of my very serious boyfriend's from the past. I lived with one of them for 2 years, and we are nothing alike anymore, but we email nearly every day. He is married now, to a wonderful woman in Japan. Dh doesn't really like him because they are two totally different personalities, but I still love J very much, AS A FRIEND, and we shared a very important part of our lives, together (we were each other's first true love). If J were to ever come back to where dh and I currently live, I would expect that dh be comfortable with meeting up, and I am sure that he would. Another ex is a good friend that we see once or twice a year, and he and his wife stay with us. He and dh are now very close. But dh and I are very open with one another, and its all history. There is no romantic connection with me and either of those men anymore, even though there once was.

As a side, dh has an ex that we know pretty well too. I am okay with them doing stuff just the two of them. But he isn't friends with many of his ex's, and I am friends with most of mine.

I see no harm.
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If you don't think it would start a friendship AND you have no idea if he's partnered, I probably wouldn't do it.
I don't think DP is being selfish. I don't see any reason to spark up a friendship with an ex. I would be very uncomfortable with DH going out with an ex. Why would he? Whats the point? If I were in that position, I would ask myself why this is so important? I wouldn't be missing anything from my life by not going to lunch with this guy, and why put DH in an uncomfortable position?
An ex is just than an EX. If dh doesn't want to hear about it, then that's his problem. I say go for lunch, catch up & since you won't be working there anymore leave it at that. Chances are you won't see him again.
Well, I just talked to DH. It was clear to me that he was sort of upset by the situation. He told me to do what I wanted but he didn't want to hear about it. I'm not comfortable w/that, b/c I don't want DH "doing what he wants" and my not knowing about it.

DH doesn't really like to hear about exes so I don't know that I ever discussed this guy, certainly not in detail, so he doesn't know anything about our relationship.

I said I wouldn't meet the guy, b/c he seemed upset. I told him that I would absolutely want to know if the role were reversed, and he ran into/had the opportunity to meet up w/an ex.

Oh well. It would have been nice to catch up and hear about mutual friends, etc., but no big deal.
I'd go and have lunch and catch up, but we're open about that and I'd be ok with him doing the same.
Your making a very good decision!! Exes NEED to stay in the past. Looking them up and rekindling friendships leads to more heartache than you can imagine or want in your life. You are BOTH married and have no business "catching up over lunch". That is how affairs start!! I cannot tell you how many affairs start when old classmates or exes reconnect (my dh included).

Originally Posted by mommato5 View Post
Your making a very good decision!! Exes NEED to stay in the past. Looking them up and rekindling friendships leads to more heartache than you can imagine or want in your life. You are BOTH married and have no business "catching up over lunch". That is how affairs start!! I cannot tell you how many affairs start when old classmates or exes reconnect (my dh included).

Wow! It had truly not occured to me that it could ever, ever lead to an affair, but I suppose anything is possible. Point taken
and thank you!
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Your DP obviously would have issues from his initial reaction.

If my DP would have issues with me talking to an ex I would put that first and foremost.

Regardless of if people think your DP is being selfish, you haven't talked to this person in years, you will achieve nothing by talking to this person in the future except making your DP feel uncomfortable.

So my question to you, if you really do not think anything will come of this. 'Why do it in the first place? Did you care 2 weeks ago what this man was up to? If not, why would you care now?'

I put my DP first, if she has issues with something that means so little to me it is no skin off my back to keep my DP happy.

ETA: "out for Drinks" is a key sign for possibly dating. He does not know you are partnered, you do not know if he is. But a man asking you out for drinks 9 times out of 10 is because he wants to find those things out about you and if you aren't take it where it will go and if you ARE it means that you are still willing to have drinks with another man. Take that as you will, I am sure someone will come in and tell me how wrong I am, but I am a man who is partnered that wouldn't invite someone of the opposite sex out to drinks unless it is a group setting or inviting their DP to come along.
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It is too bad you aren't sure if he is partnered. If he was, then y'all could have a double date (since it sounds like this guy is REALLY in the past).
Yoshua - I'm not going, b/c I talked to DH and he was clearly uncomfortable. Basically, he doesn't want to know anything about my past relationships, for the most part. It's almost as though he wouldn't mind me seeing an ex so long as he didn't know about it (this really doesn't doesn't make sense, but is more or less what he said). My feeling is, if our relationship, or DH, can't bear to discuss this openly, it shouldn't be happening.

Good point about the invitation to drinks. I guess I was just thinking so innocently about it that it didn't occur to me otherwise.

And to all - there's a reasonable chance that he does know I'm married, through the grapevine. And last I heard, several years ago, he was getting married. Not sure if he is or not now. I didn't notice a ring.

In any event, it was interesting to run into him, and provoked an interesting discussion.
I think you are doing the right thing for your relationship.
I think your dp needs to work on his trust issues and/or self esteem issues. If he trusts you, and feels that he deserves to be with someone like you, then he wouldn't be so bothered by a simple conversation.

You had a life before him. He had one before you. There are people from your past that you shared a part of your life with. I cannot fathom never mentioning their names, or every now and then running into them.

You didn't look him up online and search him out (which honestly I don't even find problematic assuming you and dp are in a good place in your relationship); you ran into him at work. It clearly was innocent. I think it is fine to meet in a public location (make it lunch or coffee if that seems more acceptable to you) to catch up on what you are both up to. Wear your wedding ring, report your happily married status, find out how he is, call it good.

I can understand respecting your partner's feelings. But I think (from the information we have) that your dp is being a little over the top, and I'd have a hard time restricting my above board lunch plans due to that.

I have lunch with my college fiance' once every five to ten years. We exchange Xmas cards sometimes. I think my dh has a bit of a hard time understanding it because he hates his college girlfriend. Actually, I think hating her is much more emotion involved than me wanting to keep up with someone who was important to me in the past.

But we each know ourselves. There are some people from our past who we'd be better off not to see/talk to because it is a slippery slope. There are others that are perfectly fine and no risk at all to our current relationship. If you and dp were over, would you consider getting back with this guy? If so, maybe not best to see him just the two of you. If not, go ahead.
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Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
I think your dp needs to work on his trust issues and/or self esteem issues. If he trusts you, and feels that he deserves to be with someone like you, then he wouldn't be so bothered by a simple conversation.
Personally, I don't see this as a trust/self esteem issue. I see it as an issue of differing views of what's appropriate. Some people think it's appropriate to hang out with an ex and some don't. I don't see the need for spending time with an ex when it clearly makes one's spouse uncomfortable.
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Sounds like you have the issue resolved. I have no idea how DH would feel about me having lunch with with an ex. For the most part I do see on occasion a few exes and DH and I even went to my one ex's wedding. Maybe your DH would feel more comfortable if he was with instead of just the two of you catching up? Just a thought...
I'm so glad you're respecting your DP's feelings. I'm sure he'd do the same for you. I don't like when people act like there is something wrong with people being uncomfortable with their DP's going out with ex's... it's just the way some people feel.

I think you're doing the right thing.
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