Lunch with an old (old) boyfriend?

I think your dp is being a bit selfish. I have very good friendships with 2 of my very serious boyfriend's from the past. I lived with one of them for 2 years, and we are nothing alike anymore, but we email nearly every day. He is married now, to a wonderful woman in Japan. Dh doesn't really like him because they are two totally different personalities, but I still love J very much, AS A FRIEND, and we shared a very important part of our lives, together (we were each other's first true love). If J were to ever come back to where dh and I currently live, I would expect that dh be comfortable with meeting up, and I am sure that he would. Another ex is a good friend that we see once or twice a year, and he and his wife stay with us. He and dh are now very close. But dh and I are very open with one another, and its all history. There is no romantic connection with me and either of those men anymore, even though there once was.

As a side, dh has an ex that we know pretty well too. I am okay with them doing stuff just the two of them. But he isn't friends with many of his ex's, and I am friends with most of mine.

I see no harm.

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Wow! It had truly not occured to me that it could ever, ever lead to an affair, but I suppose anything is possible. Point taken and thank you!

Your DP obviously would have issues from his initial reaction.

If my DP would have issues with me talking to an ex I would put that first and foremost.

Regardless of if people think your DP is being selfish, you haven't talked to this person in years, you will achieve nothing by talking to this person in the future except making your DP feel uncomfortable.

So my question to you, if you really do not think anything will come of this. 'Why do it in the first place? Did you care 2 weeks ago what this man was up to? If not, why would you care now?'

I put my DP first, if she has issues with something that means so little to me it is no skin off my back to keep my DP happy.

ETA: "out for Drinks" is a key sign for possibly dating. He does not know you are partnered, you do not know if he is. But a man asking you out for drinks 9 times out of 10 is because he wants to find those things out about you and if you aren't take it where it will go and if you ARE it means that you are still willing to have drinks with another man. Take that as you will, I am sure someone will come in and tell me how wrong I am, but I am a man who is partnered that wouldn't invite someone of the opposite sex out to drinks unless it is a group setting or inviting their DP to come along.

I think you made a wise choice OP

I think your dp needs to work on his trust issues and/or self esteem issues. If he trusts you, and feels that he deserves to be with someone like you, then he wouldn't be so bothered by a simple conversation.

You had a life before him. He had one before you. There are people from your past that you shared a part of your life with. I cannot fathom never mentioning their names, or every now and then running into them.

You didn't look him up online and search him out (which honestly I don't even find problematic assuming you and dp are in a good place in your relationship); you ran into him at work. It clearly was innocent. I think it is fine to meet in a public location (make it lunch or coffee if that seems more acceptable to you) to catch up on what you are both up to. Wear your wedding ring, report your happily married status, find out how he is, call it good.

I can understand respecting your partner's feelings. But I think (from the information we have) that your dp is being a little over the top, and I'd have a hard time restricting my above board lunch plans due to that.

I have lunch with my college fiance' once every five to ten years. We exchange Xmas cards sometimes. I think my dh has a bit of a hard time understanding it because he hates his college girlfriend. Actually, I think hating her is much more emotion involved than me wanting to keep up with someone who was important to me in the past.

But we each know ourselves. There are some people from our past who we'd be better off not to see/talk to because it is a slippery slope. There are others that are perfectly fine and no risk at all to our current relationship. If you and dp were over, would you consider getting back with this guy? If so, maybe not best to see him just the two of you. If not, go ahead.

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Personally, I don't see this as a trust/self esteem issue. I see it as an issue of differing views of what's appropriate. Some people think it's appropriate to hang out with an ex and some don't. I don't see the need for spending time with an ex when it clearly makes one's spouse uncomfortable.