lurking...how do you deal with negativity?

1191 Views 28 Replies 23 Participants Last post by teachma, Jul 2, 2005

JamesMama

Discussion Starter · Jun 19, 2005

My ds is only 4.5 months old and I ALREADY have people telling me that I shouldn't bf much longer past a year! They are asking when I'm weaning. I've tried saying I'm going to CLW and then they procede to tell me I'm going to damage my son, make him a sissy, or that I'm disgusting!

Since you all are experienced EN'ers I wanna know how you deal with others negativity toward your EN decision. I won't let it change my mind, but it will be hard at family functions to be attacked by the family for *STILL* breastfeeding my son.

TIA

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

Bethla

· #2 · Jun 19, 2005

So sorry that is happening to you. I've had three boys and nursed them all past one year, in fact my 2 1/2 year old still sometimes wants some. They are perfectly happy, healthy children. They aren't "sissies" whatever that means!

I have never had too much negativity straight to my face but I'm sure I have had plenty behind my back. Just know that what your doing is the best thing for your baby and don't let those other people get you down.

HelloKitty

· #3 · Jun 19, 2005

Wow, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I've never really gotten any grief, other then dirty looks, when I've talked about extended nursing - with the exception of DH who started to complain after DS turned 2. In that case I just explained that I had done research on the subject and it was not only acceptable but the best thing for DS and that it was important to both of us. In your case you could do the same - site the AAP, AAFP and WHO recommendations. People seem to respond favorably to those organizations.

The only thing I have gotten grief over is NIP - this one "friend" of mine has said quite a few things about it. I've explained my feelings on the whole thing, she disagrees and that's that.

Kokomom

· #4 · Jun 20, 2005

Hi-just a few responses for those that say to you either "are you still" or how long are you going to nurse"....
1. just till college then he can find a set of his own (somewhat crude but shuts them up)...
2. another 5 minutes then we switch sides
3.What makes you ask?
4. Are you still asking that question?
5. As long as it takes.

I am sure there are better ones out there but just some of the ones that I have used. My Mom kept asking me and very politely I asked why it bothered her so much. We had a great conversation and she has never asked since. Sometimes its embarrassment, sometimes ignorance and sometimes none of their business.

GL!

3.

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JamesMama

Discussion Starter · #5 · Jun 20, 2005

Thanks for the help...I'm gonna use some of those snarky replies sometimes! I love the find his own one...thats great! Gotta get some breastfeeding advocay t's too

Snowy Owl

· #6 · Jun 20, 2005

I nursed my dd till 2.5 and will nurse my 11 month old as long as he wants.There is a lot of good reading on the subject that can strenghten your resolve. And once they wean, it's forever, really such a short phase of their life (and yours, you do miss it!) And like kokomom's suggestions, having a prepared response helps. Sorry these people are causing such a disturbance, the ninnies! Forget them!

:boy:

: Only the BEST!!!

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paloma

· #7 · Jun 20, 2005

One of my favorites, "I haven't nursed since I was three and a half."

lisahas2cats

· #8 · Jun 20, 2005

DD is almost 8 months old now, and I don't think I've encountered that question (yet...as sure as I make that statement, though, someone will!) in a critical way. I have had people ask in an "interested" way, then say "That's wonderful!" when I say I plan to nurse a minimum of a year.

I think I must give off a certain vibe that discourages much criticism about BF. But if I ever do get criticism, I'll probably laugh it off in a way that indicates I fully believe the person is just telling a merry little joke.

PortraitPixie

· #9 · Jun 20, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kokomom
Hi-just a few responses for those that say to you either "are you still" or how long are you going to nurse"....
1. just till college then he can find a set of his own (somewhat crude but shuts them up)...
2. another 5 minutes then we switch sides
3.What makes you ask?
4. Are you still asking that question?
5. As long as it takes.
3.

: Thanks!

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2

Peony

· #10 · Jun 22, 2005

When dd was under a year and someone would ask, I would say "until she stops", and then turn to her and say something about how little she still was. As dd has gotten older and the people are already shocked, I'll say something about how she'll have to stop when she goes to college because I'm not coming along.

Patchfire

· #11 · Jun 22, 2005

In answer to the comment about 'making him a sissy,' I'd be tempted to get one of these shirts.

on those people!

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canadiangranola

· #12 · Jun 22, 2005

If I feel like giving a response to such a question, I usually simply say that the world health organization recommends nursing until AT LEAST TWO YEARS of age and then for as long as is mutually desirable for both parties. Or i'll give some info on how extended nursing helps babies (bonding, security, immunity, etc) and mamas too (less breast cancer, etc.

I find it just helps to have some sort of response ready....and to know that when people make ignorant comments about how you choose to parent your children, you are absolutely entitled to ignore them completely and IN NO WAY have to justify yourself to them.

nancy926

· #13 · Jun 22, 2005

I probably would never actually say this....

"Well, research shows that children who wean on their own are less likely to grow up and ask insensitive questions about other people's parenting choices."

Marco Esquandolas

· #14 · Jun 22, 2005

Ohh, I'm just over here ROFLMAO over some of these well thought out retorts!

I need the spitting my drink out emoti!!!!

I just always go w/the run of the mill one: "as long as he's still hungry"

I see some ddddc's in the makin, I do!

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JamesMama

Discussion Starter · #15 · Jun 22, 2005

Nancy- I love that! Too funny...My mom told me to hold DS up and say "Look at how big and healthy he is! Why would I change ANYTHING I'm doing? Because obviously I'm doing a FANTASTIC job, don't you think?" LOL

Lynski

· #16 · Jun 22, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by canadiangranola
I usually simply say that the world health organization recommends nursing until AT LEAST TWO YEARS of age

This is my response as well. Stated in a matter-of-fact, no room for arguement tone. They still aren't happy about it, but frankly I don't care. I'm not going to wean DS because people (okay, my inlaws mainly) are uncomfortable. I've gotten a lot of flack about many of my parenting choices, and I've just learned to develop a thick skin. Their issues are not my problem.

ladybugs_mom

· #17 · Jun 23, 2005

well said, Lynski. My parents (and many others) have been very against my decision to bf. They wanted me to quit after 2 weeks and are aghast that I have a 9mo with teeth bf'ing. I found a support group (Nursing Mothers of Raleigh) and kept in touch w/ them and went to monthly meetings (and still do) to help keep up my resolve when things were tough (dd & I had a ton of trouble in the 1st few months). I am SO THANKFUL I toughed it out b/c bf'ing dd is one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I just spent a week's vacation with my family at the beach. You could tell my parents think I'm nuts for still bf'ing and they kept asking when I was going to quit (I always tell them I'll go at least a year and really will keep going after that as long as dd & I still are comfortable w/ it). The great part? My 94yo grandmother was there. She kept saying, "I think Alicia is such a good, happy & healthy baby b/c you bf her." And she would reminisce about bf'ing her 5 children. That made me feel so good...and it stopped the naysayers. They still think I'm nuts, but they weren't going to mention it in front of a woman who lived through almost the entire 20th century and bf'ed 5 kids. :LOL

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Snowy Owl

· #18 · Jun 23, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladybugs_mom
...and are aghast that I have a 9mo with teeth bf'ing.

With teeth?! With TEETH!!!! Ahhhhhh! Beware the vicious Breast Biting chomper babies!!!!!!

p.s. your gramma rocks

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mom2threenurslings

· #19 · Jun 23, 2005

As a mama whose first son self-weaned at age 5 and whose second son continues to nurse as his fifth birthday approaches (and whose dd is nursing at age 3....and who is 27.5 weeks pregnant!) ... and whose husband nursed past a year, I can say that:
1. Nursing boys doesn't turn them into sissys. My dh definitely isn't a sissy! :LOL
2. Nursing any child past a year is natural and normal.
3. Child-led weaning is natural and normal (Why is it that breastfeeding past a year (or two or three) is called "extended" breastfeeding and weaning your child before he's ready isn't called "curtailed" breastfeeding? There is nothing "extended" about nursing for the natural course of the nursing relationship!)
4. Most people who urge moms to wean prematurely are either misinformed, not informed, or have some other hang-up which has absolutely nothing to do with you or your nursing relationship with your child.
5. It's no one's business but yours and your nurslings how long he nurses.

Some responses:
"Why do you want to know?" (When asked when/if you are going to wean, etc. It points out that it's really none of their business!)

"The research we've done shows that breastfeeding beyond a year or two is incredibly beneficial for ds and I and that we have the full support of the World Health Organization and medical professionals. I'd be very interested in reading your sources ... could you email them to me?"

"Yes, we're still nursing. Isn't it WONDERFUL?!?!?!

" (Kill them with enthusiasm!)

"I couldn't imagine weaning him at such a young age! Breastfeeding continues to provide him with so much in addition to nutrition that I would never deny him of all the benefits!"

"I met a mom who is over 6 months pregnant, is tandem nursing her 3 year old dd and 5 year old ds, and plans to triandem nurse them as she did her first three .... and you think what I'm doing is strange?!?" (That mom would be me ... and a friend of mine actually got family off her back by saying that! Feel free!

:LOL )

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ExuberantDaffodil

· #20 · Jun 23, 2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by nancy926
I probably would never actually say this....

"Well, research shows that children who wean on their own are less likely to grow up and ask insensitive questions about other people's parenting choices."

:LOL

it!!

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