Lying and consequences??

Well. What I do is to simply ignore the lie and focus on the behavior at hand.

"Did you put away your clothes."

"Yes"

[you check and its not done"

"DS you need to put away your clothes now"

"No its d brother jumping'

[after checking]: DS stop jumping on the bed right now. You can get hurt.

Even better if you don't want to check and to avoid the lying in the first place:

"If you haven't put away your clothes already I want it done right now"

"Whoever is jumping on the bed needs to stop right this minute. Jumping on the bed could hurt you!"

Maybe you'll think this is horrible, I don't know. I'm expecting my first so I haven't tried this as a parent, only as a teacher (of 1st-4th grades).

When I know a kid has lied and I know I can prove it so it's beyond a doubt in the kid's mind (as in the clothes are still on the floor), I very nicely ask them the question again. Here's how it usually goes.

Adult: "Did you really put away your clothes?"

Child: "No." (Sometimes they'll start being truthful right away. Otherwise, see below)

Adult: "But what did you tell me the first time?"

At this point they usually get confused and I ask them to try to remember. "Remember earlier when you came downstairs for a snack and I asked you? What did you say then?"

Child: "Yes."

Adult: "Yes, what?"

Child: "Yes I put them away."

Adult: "So which one do you pick, yes you put them away or no you didn't."

Child: "No, I didn't"

Adult: "Yeah I know, because look here they are on the floor. So the first time you said yes, was that true?"

Child: "No."

Adult: "What is that when you say something that's not true? What's that untrue thing called?"

Child: "A lie."

Adult: "Yeah. You lied to me didn't you?"

Child: "Yes."

Adult: "How do you think I feel about that?"

Child: "Mad."

Adult: "No, I'm not mad, but I want to believe what you say next time and if you keep lying, it's going to be harder to believe you. Can you please not lie to me again?"

This usually works but often it takes a lot longer. If the child keeps lying, I show them the proof. If they still lie, I'll have them wait a while to see if they can "figure out what to say". Sometimes they get confused so I remind them of what happened/who said what. The key is to have them acknowledge the inconsistancy in what they said and to see the effect that has. I never use the word lie first.

edited to remove, excess commas

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I think the pp who said that they're at this age usually saying the way they wish things really were (or the way they think YOU want things to be), along with this above post, is right on. It's not that they're maliciously telling an untruth....so I'd avoid setting up the situation in the first place, because they're going to feel bad about lying, and you're going to feel bad because they lied to you. PLUS, it never hurts to have them think you are "all knowing", that you don't even need to ask "who did it". I guess I look to what I want the end result to be - if I want clothes picked up, I'd say, "Please be sure to put your clothes away" instead of asking the question. If it was not jumping on the bed, as the above said, I'd make a statement, without worrying about who was doing the jumping. Gets the same thing accomplished, and nobody feels badly. There are plenty of ways to teach a child to be truthful without setting them up to fib about something you already know to be untrue.

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The best way to teach your child that lying is unacceptable is:

1. Deal honestly with your child

2. Deal honestly with others: Don't let your child see you lie (the idea of white lies to protect someone's feelings can be explained later)

3. Don't let the lying get your child anywhere:

You: DC please clean up the milk you spilled

DS: I didn't do it brother did!

You: Clean it up please. And be careful next time when you pour it.

4. At some later time, NOT when you are dealing with the issue at hand (clothes putting away, bed jumping) you can discuss how it is important to be honest and not to lie.

I agree with Maya. Kids keep lying if they get away with something. If they don't get that payoff, the lying will stop. My dd went through this last year for a few months. It drove me nuts. Finally, I stopped focusing on the fact that she was lying and just went on. I would say things like, "DD did you put your clothes away?" She would say, "Yes." I would just repeat, "DD please go put away your clothes."

It's easy for me to tell if they aren't being truthful without checking up on them. They are horrible liars. No poker face at all. Once they asked me how I always know if they aren't telling the truth. I told them that they get a shine in their eyes when they lie. A few days later dd #2 told a lie and I ignored it. She asked if I saw the shine and I told her that I did. I heard her tell my older dd that "Mommy knows everything we do!" The lying stopped shortly after that incident.

I twentieth the suggestion to avoid situations which might provoke lying. For the clothes, I might say, "I see two piles of Ezra's clothes, and one pile of Phaedra's" With cleaning, "I see that the silks are still on the floor. Do you need help cleaning them up?" To me this feels a bit less like nagging than directly asking over and over. (Note- I said FEELS less like nagging.) Also, my kids respond to this by offering excuses or whatever and I then feel that they at least heard me.

As for needing to teach that lying is wrong- I have trouble with this concept. My kids actually do not know the meaning of the word lie, as in dissemble. AND they mostly do not do it. They each say things from time to time that are not true, but I have not caught them telling me something to be deliberately "bad". Instead, they either believe what they are telling me or they have some need that they are having a hard time communicating. My job as Mom is to figure out what is really happening. And I make a point of asking no more questions once I see that they are not telling the truth; I cannot imagine letting them dig themselves in deeper when I already know they are not telling the truth.

OR- Ezra LOVES telling stories right now, sort of like jokes. Jason and I do the same thing. These tend to be VERY far fetched or very obviously untrue. We embrace this type of stroy telling, and will even play along, sort of the way we pretend to be startled when he tries to sneak up on us.