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I am soo sad/mad and I don't know what to do. My 10yr old ds used to be a very honest child about everything. Even when he had done wrong he would tell the truth. This past year he has begun lying about EVERYTHING! He lies about everything from important to just plain stupid and I am at the end of my rope. I feel very disrespected and I feel as though he thinks dh and I are stupid. I just finished having a fight with ds about whether or not he showered and washed his hair. He was in the bathroom for under 1 min, he came to me in dirty clothes and completely dry hair(he has very thick hair and usually needs to blowdry it after a shower and it will usually still be wet after that cause he sucks at blowdrying his hair), his hair even smelled awful. I asked him if he showered,he said yes, I asked him if he remembered to wash his hair, he said yes, I asked him why his hair was completly dry, he said it must have dried(he had shut off the water under 1 min before he came upstairs. I suspect that he just turned on the shower left it for 1 min and turned it off without getting in. his towel was also bone dry) But regardless of what happened I was only asking him if he really washed his hair and he keeps saying he did. I agve him every opportunity to tell the truth and he kept lying. I realize I probably sound insane, and that it is really not that imporant whether or not he showered/washed his hair or not but I am sick of being lied too!! At least once every week, usually more though, we have an argument over him lying about something and he will not admit to the truth even after he is repeatedly caught in a lie. I just feel like this incident is the last straw for me. I just don't know what to do anymore and I even dread having to talk to my son b/c he never tells the truth about anything and it always ends in an argument. I cannot trust my son to tell me the truth about anything anymore and it is so depressing to me I want to cry.
 

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you aren't alone. dd does the same thing, nearly every word out of her mouth is a lie.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
8(
 

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This is a very normal phase that many kids go through. It's frustrating, but don't take it personally--not always easy, I know.<br><br>
The best way to handle it is to not give him the opportunity to lie. When he comes out of the shower unwashed, instead of asking him if he took a shower when you already know the answer, just tell him he didn't get his hair clean and he should try again.<br><br>
Parents sometimes ask a question for which they already know the answer. The child says what they think the parent wants to hear (even though it's not true) and then they feel they have to defend themselves by sticking to their story. If a parent says "did you leave your wet towel on the floor?" they are asking for a "no." Instead, just give the information, "I found your wet towel on the floor, towels belong in the hamper."
 

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I was going to suggest the same thing as sunnysideup- don't ask him "stupid questions" in the first place. You mention feeling disrespected by the lying. Is it possible that HE feels disrespected by the questions you've been asking him, so he gives a dishonest, disrespectful reply?<br><br>
How do you think the conversation would have gone if he'd answered truthfully about not showering- would it still have turned into an argument because he hadn't showered?<br><br>
Also, are you sure he actually lied, rather than being incredibly creative about phrasing things? He may have turned on the shower and rinsed his hands. Yes, he washed himself in the shower. Did he remember to wash his hair? Well, maybe he remembered that he was supposed to but he didn't actually do it, or maybe he washed the hair on the back of his hands, or maybe he's saying that "yes, I washed my hair last week. It's dried since then."<br><br>
If you'd simply told him "your hair needs to be washed with shampoo today because it's getting stinky" he wouldn't have had any opportunity to play with words in a way that you're interpreting as lying.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sunnysideup</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922150"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The best way to handle it is to not give him the opportunity to lie. When he comes out of the shower unwashed, instead of asking him if he took a shower when you already know the answer, just tell him he didn't get his hair clean and he should try again.<br></div>
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I told him that his hair wasn't properly clean and that he needed to do it again and that's when he started to argue. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ruthla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922207"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How do you think the conversation would have gone if he'd answered truthfully about not showering- would it still have turned into an argument because he hadn't showered?<br><br>
Also, are you sure he actually lied, rather than being incredibly creative about phrasing things? He may have turned on the shower and rinsed his hands. Yes, he washed himself in the shower. Did he remember to wash his hair? Well, maybe he remembered that he was supposed to but he didn't actually do it, or maybe he washed the hair on the back of his hands, or maybe he's saying that "yes, I washed my hair last week. It's dried since then."<br><br>
If you'd simply told him "your hair needs to be washed with shampoo today because it's getting stinky" he wouldn't have had any opportunity to play with words in a way that you're interpreting as lying.</div>
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If he had told the thruth I simply would have asked him to go shower plain and simple.<br><br>
And I made sure to specifically, ask him after he claimed he had washed his hair, if it was today that he washed his hair b/c I know that he does love to twist the truth. He assured me that he had infact within the past 5 min washed his hair and that it somehow dried on his way upstairs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:
 

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It's a horrible phase, very tough on the parents. My dd is 12, we've been fighting this for 3 yrs now and I'm going bonkers!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"> I like to sort of stick my head in the sand and blame her biological father, who is in fact a pathological LIAR! That man would look you in the eye and ARGUE that the sky was green! Seriously!!!<br><br>
Anyway, with dd, there is no way to phrase things, no way to not give her the opportunity to lie. If I said "your hair needs to be washed" she would fight me, if I said "I found your wet towel on the floor, towels belong in the hamper" she'd argue that she had in fact put it in the hamper and it must have jumped out on it's own <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I totally understand what you are going through cera, it's tough. I find myself calling dd on just about everything she says, and when she tells me anything, I have a real hard time believing her. She is getting a little better, I've been trying to instill in her that she will get into LESS trouble for telling me the truth (if she's done something wrong and is lying to cover it up) and silly lies will get consequenses as well - it has helped. And everything she does tell me, I will give her "the look" and she knows that I'm questioning her and it gives her a chance to backtrack a little.<br><br>
Hang in there mama, I hope it gets better for you soon <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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With 10 yr old DS, it's helped to basically "catch" him when lying and make him re-think what he's saying instead of getting away with it. I don't know if this would work with your family, but it's worked with mine. DS used to lie about EVERYTHING it seemed, so instead of just going along with his wild, though harmless, stories, I taught him to preface them with something like, "wouldn't this be cool if this happened" or something like that. I think he got in the habit of lying so much he was starting to believe his made-up stories. I told him I really liked hearing the stories he could create, but he needed to make sure he let his listener know he was creating them out of his imagination.<br>
As for lying about whether he did chores or not...I tried to also not give him a choice in lying. If he'd come down the stairs with dry hair and I was sure he hadn't showered, I would've told him to simply go back upstairs and shower properly instead of giving him the opportunity to lie.<br><br>
Lying STINKS and I hate it! Sorry you're having to go through it.
 

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we had another altercation today - I tried a slightly different tactic, similar to what the pp said. I knew dd had taken something of mine, before I asked about it I said "we need to talk about something, if you tell me the truth, you will not get in trouble so please talk to me" I asked her and she said she had taken it - she started crying so I let her be, I told her we would talk about it when she was calmed down. When we talked later, we discussed what her other options were, and what kind of choice she had made. She told me she had made a bad choice and at this moment I'm just hoping I got through to her a little. There were some consequences which she and I both decided were fair. Normally we would argue, yell, take things away, ground her, whatever but obviously none of this has worked so I'm trying a different approach, we'll see what happens
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I tried to also not give him a choice in lying. If he'd come down the stairs with dry hair and I was sure he hadn't showered, I would've told him to simply go back upstairs and shower properly instead of giving him the opportunity to lie.</td>
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Exactly, if you already know the answer then deal with the issue directly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Have you ever tried to discover why he feels the need to lie? For instance, take the shower incident; it was obvious he hadn't showered, and you could do what the others have suggested and not give him the opportunity to lie. Instead, be blunt; "It's obvious that you haven't showered, and I was just wondering why you are having trouble with that."
 

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I feel badly for you. I know I did the same thing when I was young. And I also know that I gave my parents a tremendously hard time with all the lying that I did. But it was just a phase I went through. After I stopped lying (which took about 5 months if I remember correctly), I looked back and thought "Man....I was retarded* I would tell you not to stress over it because it will end soon, but I know that I would be to if my soon to be dd did the same thing. But when he does lie, make sure you sit him down and do the "talking" asking why he lied and that lying is seriously bad. He will not grow out of it by himself. He will need help. I know I did.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cera</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922717"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I told him that his hair wasn't properly clean and that he needed to do it again and that's when he started to argue. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br><br>
If he had told the thruth I simply would have asked him to go shower plain and simple.</div>
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So why not "plain and simple" tell him to shower.<br><br>
This is how it should go:<br><br>
YOu: Ds, you need to shower<br><br>
DS: I just did<br><br>
YOU: You are not clean now, so you need to shower<br><br>
DS: I did<br><br>
You: Doesn't matter, you have not gotten clean so you need to get in the shower and get clean, right now.<br><br><b>Do you see how powerful the "doesn't matter" is? It takes his argument away. It simply makes the lie useless.</b><br><br><br>
Kids lie to get out of something they don't want to do. It's not an "insult" or pathalogical, it's just what some kids do.<br><br>
If you make it clear that the LIE gets him NOWHERE (not in trouble, either) you take away his reason for lying.<br><br>
You are saying " I am NOT going to argue with you over whether you did or did not. I don't really care whether you say you did or did not. I am simply telling you that no matter what happened this is what you need to do now"<br><br>
IGNORE the lying, the lying is IRRELEVANT. Just focus on what you want done!
 
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