MAJOR parenting difference.

2644 Views 46 Replies 39 Participants Last post by Unconventional1, Feb 28, 2010

JayJay

Discussion Starter · Feb 19, 2010

Okay, so it's true, I am writing this having just come out of an argument with my other half, but let's have it while my memory is still fresh. In fact I am going to make a poll, because he insists he is correct about this:

Apparently, as a woman, it is okay for me to breastfeed in my own home and is not pornographic when I am doing that. However, despite the law, he ways that in HIS opinion and in the opinion of the general public of America, breastfeeding in public is obscene and I ought to have to go into a public bathroom or other private area to do it.

Furthermore, if I had "any self respect" I would WANT to do this, apparently. FURTHERMORE, he thinks anyone who has the nuts to "do that" in the middle of a mall should be locked "in the can for a bit"

Oh. My. God. Seriously. We've reached a parenting impasse here I do believe (among other parenting impasses - but this is the worst). But no, according to him, things here in the states aren't the same as in Africa or England (where I'm from) and you can't "get away" with it here...

So I am making a poll. Sure, we're a crunchy site but there are quite a few of us aren't there - so let's all vote and show him that he might not be as enlightened as he thinks.

(Additionally nobody in his family has ever breastfed - his mom bottle fed all her children and his sister had to bottle feed his nephew, and then his own children were all bottle fed as well, so this isn't exactly a huge surprise...)

I hope this is okay to post here. I am just astonished right now that this opinion still exists in this strong way!

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isabchi

· #2 · Feb 19, 2010

First at all... Congrats for the brand new Isobella and Vbac.

I'm sorry about the parenting different with your other half. Definitely many people still thinkig that nursing in public is obscene. There is too many misconception about NIP. Many not even notice when a nursing mom fed a baby. It's not like you take off you shirt... please!!.. I been nursing my baby for to many years and you need to have x-ray vision to see my breast. I never be discret all all, because my first priority is feed my LO.

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Drummer's Wife

· #3 · Feb 19, 2010

Well, I voted out in public, it should be celebrated. It sounds like it's just too new to him? If he hasn't been exposed to breasfteeding as the norm and around other family members who have done it throughout his life, I guess I don't blame him for sounding so close-minded about it.

Hopefully, in time he will see it as the normal way to feed his/your child, and won't think of it as obscene.

It sounds like he needs to get over it, and realize that strangers in public aren't more important than his child and SO, yk? When baby needs to eat, baby needs to eat. Would he want to go sit in the car or the bathroom everytime he was hungry?

Best of luck getting through to him.

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JayJay

Discussion Starter · #4 · Feb 19, 2010

I am going to need all the luck I can get on this one..lol. He went as far as to say that if he can't walk down the street with his...*ahem*...hanging out then I shouldn't be allowed to "expose" myself.

You can imagine how I answered that one...

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liliaceae

· #5 · Feb 19, 2010

I nurse in public all the time, and see other mamas doing it as well (usually in the mall). I've never had anyone take issue with it, and nobody looks at me like I'm doing something obscene. Whether you're discreet about it or not is up to you, but if you are discreet, I doubt anyone other than another nursing mother would even notice what you're doing.

And well, it's your body, so he doesn't have much say in it anyway, does he?

Drummer's Wife

· #6 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by JayJay

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He went as far as to say that if he can't walk down the street with his...*ahem*...hanging out then I shouldn't be allowed to "expose" myself.

oh, no, he didn't!

I have no words. I'd probably kick him in his *ahem*.

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KristyDi

· #7 · Feb 19, 2010

You can in fact "get away with it here." I have breastfed my DD pretty much anywhere and everywhere since birth without ever using a cover. No one has ever approached me or said anything to me in a negative way. I've had a few positive comments, a few shocked looks, and a few people have been uncomfortable, but by and large, people have ignored me continued about their business. Once someone loudly and rudely commented about my bf-ing to a server at a restaurant, but the server deflected them beautifully.

Yes there are people who freak out about NIP, but I found w/ my DH the idea was scarier than the reality. He was apprehensive and uncomfortable at first, but once he saw how often dd needed to eat, how difficult always hiding would be and that NIP wasn't the boob flashing event he was imagining he got over it.

Honestly, w/ my DH, in our relationship, if he spoke that disrespectfully to me I'd bluntly say, "You don't know what you're talking about and you're flat wrong. You may not realize how difficult what you're demanding I do would make my life. They're my boobs so this is my decision. Get over it or get used to it, because this is how it's gonna be. I will nurse our child wherever and how ever I feel comfortable. You will be supportive or you will be silent."

ETA BFing is not and can not ever be pornographic. Porn is sexual. Breastfeeding has nothing to do with sex.

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JayJay

Discussion Starter · #8 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by KristyDi

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Honestly, w/ my DH, in our relationship, if he spoke that disrespectfully to me I'd bluntly say, "You don't know what you're talking about and you're flat wrong. You may not realize how difficult what you're demanding I do would make my life. They're my boobs so this is my decision. Get over it or get used to it, because this is how it's gonna be. I will nurse our child wherever and how ever I feel comfortable. You will be supportive or you will be silent."

ETA BFing is not and can not ever be pornographic. Porn is sexual. Breastfeeding has nothing to do with sex.

Boo ya. That's basically what I told him. Now he's sulking in the garage!

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JayJay

Discussion Starter · #9 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

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oh, no, he didn't!

I have no words. I'd probably kick him in his *ahem*.

Yeah he did - and a few other things besides! I really hope he gets out of the house a bit and talks to some of his friends and co-workers about this. Even his boss's wife told me (and him) at the work Christmas dinner last month to just not worry and get on with it right there! I think because of his own inexperience he simply chooses to ignore people like that and continue to live in a world of his own imagination where everyone is frowning and staring. Which they never have.

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fruitfulmomma

· #10 · Feb 19, 2010

Been NIPing for almost 10 years now and never had any comments directed toward me other than a few older momma's telling me about nursing their own kids.

PatioGardener

· #11 · Feb 19, 2010

I voted 'in public' with no caveats, but I'm in Canada not the USA. We're known for our radical socialist beliefs up here, so I'm not sure my vote will carry any credibility with your DH!

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mamadebug

· #12 · Feb 19, 2010

Sorry you guys are dealing with this.

I absolutely think moms should be able to breast feed wherever, whenever. I nursed my son in public (without any sort of cover) until he was close to two years old.

I do also agree with your partner that some people are uncomfortable with it. In my experience, it really varies by region. I live in the SF Bay Area, and I never had anyone bat an eye. I traveled to the south with my DS twice while he was still nursing and people were shocked - they would say things to that effect and have weird looks when they saw me nurse. Put simply - I think you should do whatever you need to do to feed your baby. If you can minimize someone's discomfort while still meeting your baby's needs, I always tried to do that. I never breastfed my son in front of my 93 year old grandpa, for example....he would have been mortified and I have to say, I wouldn't want him to see my boob, either.

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JayJay

Discussion Starter · #13 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by PatioGardener

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I voted 'in public' with no caveats, but I'm in Canada not the USA. We're known for our radical socialist beliefs up here, so I'm not sure my vote will carry any credibility with your DH!

Only my DP's vote carries any weight with my DP. That is, until about 30 people come along with a different opinion and then he has to change his mind...lol

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claddaghmom

· #14 · Feb 19, 2010

No restrictions.

Does he go shirtless ever? That would be a great time to freak out and tell him he is being pornographic and needs to cover up. Make him wear shirts to the pool and outside on hot days.

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jildez

· #15 · Feb 19, 2010

i notice you are in the midwest, and since i am (newly) there too, i am learning that people here aren't as comfortable with the public thing. I have to admit, i tell people I'm going to breastfeed now, and let them decide whether they want to stick around (at my hubby's job, church gatherings, etc). the biggest prob i have is my son is almost 8 mths now and in public doesn't pay attention and my boob gets COLD!

my husband was a little uncomfortable with the nursing thing at first, but as they said above, when he realized how often he needed to be fed and how he could just wait like we can, he became very insistent that i nurse where and when the babe wanted to eat.

broodymama

· #16 · Feb 19, 2010

In public, wherever you want, whenever the babe wants, however you want.

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pacificbliss

· #17 · Feb 19, 2010

All over the world women nurse their babies in public. It's how babies eat. I don't eat in the bathroom and neither will my child. It puts an unreasonable burden on women to expect them to duck in somewhere every time the baby wants to eat. Seriously we could never go out the littlest ones.
Your DH just needs to get used to it.

earthmama369

· #18 · Feb 19, 2010

I'm in New England. I've nursed both my children -- at home, in public, at church, during funerals, during weddings, at town hall functions, at restaurants, at work, at the park, at the mall, and while pushing a shopping cart at the grocery store. (Yes, that one was interesting. Didn't know I could do that.) I've gotten all of three negative comments in the 5+ years I've been nursing, all from people who struck me as either a couple bricks shy of a load or just miserable, cranky personalities in general. I can't count the number of encouraging, positive, uplifting comments I've received, even as a new mother flashing far more of my breast than I meant to at an entire room. (Learning curve!) I would estimate those positive comments to be in the hundreds, easily. So statistically, in my experience, the general public has been VERY encouraging of nursing wherever and whenever my children have needed it, without shame or limitation.

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liliaceae

· #19 · Feb 19, 2010

Just wanted to add.....could it be that your DH is simply feeling a little jealous/possessive? Maybe he just is uncomfortable with the thought of other guys seeing your breasts, but he doesn't want to come right out and say that?

Either way, you might want to just see how things go, and not make a big deal of it right now. I really don't see this as a major parenting difference--when I saw your thread title I thought you were going to say your DH didn't want you to breastfeed *at all*. When he sees how inconvenient it would be for you to run to the bathroom whenever your babe gets hungry, and how much of a nonissue it is to nurse in public, he'll come around. Probably.

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trustedinstincts

· #20 · Feb 19, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by KristyDi

View Post

Honestly, w/ my DH, in our relationship, if he spoke that disrespectfully to me I'd bluntly say, "You don't know what you're talking about and you're flat wrong. You may not realize how difficult what you're demanding I do would make my life. They're my boobs so this is my decision. Get over it or get used to it, because this is how it's gonna be. I will nurse our child wherever and how ever I feel comfortable. You will be supportive or you will be silent."

ETA BFing is not and can not ever be pornographic. Porn is sexual. Breastfeeding has nothing to do with sex.

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