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I used to do acid too, so I understand how it affects a person. I am really worried that your DD is living in an dangerous environment. Imagine what would happen if your partner had some bad trip where he ended up hurting the baby! Anyone can have a very bad trip no matter how used to the drug they are.<br><br>
For the sake of your child PLEASE get some counciling. It sounds like your home is very unstable, with violence and seriouse mind altering drugs. That is no way for a child to grow up. You sound like you have some seriouse issues if you are on anti-psychotics. My step mom has to take anti psychotics and when she was off her meds it was HELL to live with her. She was violent and unpredictable. Please find a professional you trust, and get on drugs that make you feel okay. Please make a safe, stable, happy home for your child. If that means moving away from your partner, then thats how it has to be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
My baby is NOT living in a dangerous environment at all. I guess I just wanted to say a little bit of everything and you don't understand the whole picture. We do not do acid anymore. My partner is very generous with his money and time to help me with the baby. And I am NOT on medication anymore. As I stated earlier, I think the meds made me worse! I believe now that I need to cleanse my self after Haeven is done nursing, and I will feel great again. Believe me, I'd love to go to the councillor (which I've been seeing since Haeven was born), but our car is at a local mechanics, and it's been there for 4 months!!!! We are borrowing a friends car, but it's a standard and I can't drive a standard. So it's very rare that we go to town (did I mention that I live about 30 min from the closest town?). So please don't judge before you read the whole story, or ask more questions.<br><br><br>
But I do appreciate good advice.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I get so angry that I just scream at him, literally. Lately, I smashed part of his stereo system on the garage floor. I made sure that it was never going to work again. HAHAHAHA. For retribution, he smashed one of my 3 sewing machines.</td>
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I've even hit him afew times, because of my frustration. He's threatened to hit me, but never has.</td>
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This is why I said that I think your home is not safe, stable and happy. I grew up in a home where my parents hit eachother and smashed stuff. It was not safe, stable or happy. I'm sorry if that<br>
sounds harsh, but I'm just going from the info you gave.<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">He is a tripper at heart,</td>
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That is why I though you or he still did acid. Again, just going from the info you provided. Sorry if I misinterpreted.<br><br>
My advice would still be to seek counsiling after your car is fixed. Maybe if you feel that you still need meds you could talk to your therapist and get on different meds that help you feel better. I am not trying to be condescending, and I'm sorry if I came across that way. I am sure you have your child's best intrest in mind, and I hope things get better for your family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I never want to take medication again. They are manufactured by some big evil company. I would prefer taking herbal supplements and that is what I do, to help my liver (anger centre).<br><br>
Maybe I was too explicit in my description of our fight. I know it could be a lot worse, or a lot better. I'm working on it. My partner is away tonite, so I thought I would summarize my ordeal, with the worst part included. It's not like that every day, that's for sure. I guess I'm the kind of person who goes against the grain. I don't have a "DH" or the kind of stress-free kind of life like some people do who have a steady income. I'm only 22. I got pregnant was 20. I'm on welfare and my mom lives very far away (for support). I don't have any friends, because I live out of town, so I don't have many contacts with people. I'm soooo isolated. I plan on going back to the councillor when I can. I want to get some books too that I've seen people recommend here... Dance of Anger, art of communication...<br><br>
Thanx for listening.
 

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Hey haeven'smomma (what a lovely name your baby has <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> )<br><br>
You must know that no amount of screaming and smashing things (no matter if it's an improvement on the previous amount) is healthy for your baby to be around. Don't get me wrong - we all have our bad days. But it sounds as though this is a pretty heavily engrained pattern for you. My take on the situation is that you are very resentful of your situation and are taking it out on your partner. That's not to say that he doesn't have a role in all of this, but you can't control his part, so you really need to work on managing your own.<br><br>
If you feel comfortable doing so, PM me with your address (click on the little PM button at the bottom of my post) and I will make sure you get some books sent your way. In the meantime, think seriously about what you can do to effect change. First of all, it seems that you and your baby need a way out of this place you feel trapped in. Have you considered going back to school? You obviously have computer access - check out a few sources. University of Phoenix has an entire bachelor's (and some graduate) program online. Here's a link:<br><br><a href="http://onl.uophx.edu/" target="_blank">University of Phoenix</a><br><br>
You can do it from your home. You can also most likely get financial aid for this which would help to give you a little more financial independence. Even better for you, though, might be to look for on-campus degree programs where you could move and attend full-time. Some campuses have on-campus family housing and good childcare facilities. Try this link to find some programs:<br><br><a href="http://apps.collegeboard.com/search/index.jsp" target="_blank">College Search</a><br><br>
You're obviously intelligent - I'm guessing the biggest part of your frustration is that you're feeling stuck and as though you have no way out. Getting a college degree is one really good way of channeling this frustration - and being on welfare will likely qualify you for the financial aid that you need to make it possible. If you have any specific questions about the process, use that PM button again. At this point, I'm an expert on it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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well, lo and behold...I found this thread.. I've already posted in the other father/husband thread...might as well post here.<br><br>
Haevensmama:<br>
it sounds like you are in it. When I say 'in it' I mean ripe for transformation. and probably you need it in more ways than you will ever know.<br><br><br>
May I make a tiny suggestion. It is now time to get PROACTIVE - big time. Put partner on the back burner of your mind. You need to put on your miner's hat, get your miner's overalls and your miner's pick and start digging in that cave that is your childhood and your patterns.....and And not just bulls*** working but real commited working. Committed to change.<br><br>
here is what i would do. I would someone how get to your town with the therapist.<br>
Even if you have to go to a local church and ask some nice lady if she can give you a ride, then I would do it. you will have to go out of your comfort zone a bit but that's what happens when one is committed.<br>
Get yourself to that therapist's office and really dig in. Get in there about what it was like being a little girl and dealing with your father's rage. Talk about how you are repeating the yelling. Talk about the sadness for you back then when you were little. Talk about the pain and sadness that you are in this same cycle as your mother. Then talk about your mother..what was her response..who are you more like her or your dad.. just really get in there and purge.<br><br>
Then when you are through, go to the library in that area..and by the way, if you don't have the library card..start the forms to get the card now. Call them up and ask them to mail you a form so you can have it ready when you get to town. YOu may also ask them if they have these books and if they don't can they get them from other libraries. This is the kind of leg work you have to do when you are committed.<br><br>
then check out these books.<br><br>
"Dance of Anger"<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F006091565X%2F103-3200332-6784604%3Fv%3Dglance" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...84604?v=glance</a><br><br>
the author also has these books too... but start with anger first.<br><br><br>
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by Harriet Lerner (Author) (Paperback)<br><br><br>
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner (Paperback)<br><br>
The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships by Harriet Lerner (Author) (Paperback)<br>
The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner (Author) (Paperback)<br><br>
Life Preservers: Good Advice When You Need It Most by Harriet Lerner (Author) (Paperback<br><br><br>
Also, this author is very good. I have read some of her work and I have friends who swear by her...<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Fsearch-handle-url%2Findex%3Dbooks%26field-author%3DNorwood%252C%2520Robin%2Fref%3Dpd_simart_detail%2F103-3200332-6784604" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/se...200332-6784604</a><br><br>
in addition...more good works, some I have read...some others loved<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fexec%2Fobidos%2Ftg%2Fdetail%2F-%2F0595140807%2Fref%3Dcm_custrec_gl_acc%2F103-3200332-6784604%3Fv%3Dglance%26s%3Dbooks" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books</a><br><br>
while you are doing that work....<br><br><br>
I would also say some spiritual work is great.<br><br>
I am a huge fan of these three people.<br><br>
1. Louise Hay<br><br><a href="http://www.hayhouse.com/" target="_blank">http://www.hayhouse.com/</a><br><br>
poke around on her website. and take a look at her book, YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE... that should be checked out at the library too. also see if the library has the tapes for this book.<br><br>
2. carolyn Myss<br><br>
she is brilliant, and I never use that word...she is just amazing.<br>
go to her website... poke around....see what is going on there...<br>
there is a lot.<br><a href="http://www.myss.com/" target="_blank">http://www.myss.com/</a><br><br>
if you can check out any of her books you will be very inspiried. and her tapes are great. Again, if you can check them out of the library that would be great.<br><br><br>
3. Wayne Dyer...<br><br>
here is his website... check it out...<br><br><a href="http://www.drwaynedyer.com/" target="_blank">http://www.drwaynedyer.com/</a><br><br>
again, amazingly insightful. Great tapes in particular!! check them out .<br><br><br>
finally a word about your mother... I get that she is a source of support for you...but I would hesitate before telling her the work you are about to do. If she thinks your partner is a great guy she may. and I accent "may" sabotage any movement you make to break from him. this is really complicated but sometimes moms even though they got out of their own mess don't always support their children out of similiar messes. Kind of like parents who are overweight keep kids overweight... not that I'm saying that is always the case, I'm just pointing out it can happen.<br>
the reason why is that if you break free from a disasterous relationship it will make her uncomfortable..because she will have to come to terms with her part that set it up... all very complicated...anyway, I would not share much with her... find a new support system.<br><br>
and finally, this may be of interest to you.<br><a href="http://www.co-abode.com/" target="_blank">http://www.co-abode.com/</a><br><br>
good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank-you to everyone who wrote back, your advice is appreciated. I got the book Dance of anger from the library today. I just started reading it, but it's seems really good. I've put my partner on the "back burner" so to say, and I feel much better. I think that we can work it out. I'm going to see my councillor as soon as I'm able.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/oops.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="oops">T<br>
I'd love to have a bath every now and then, but the bathtub is the poopy diaper storing place (till I get around to doing it, that is). I'm a neat freak, so I'll have to scrub the tub like a madwoman before I set my ass in there. Anyways, it's me first from now on (w/ the baby stuck to my boob like a siamese twin so where I go, she goes)..... hmmm, nice long bath w/ candles and aromatherapy.
 
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