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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm sitting here type this instead of dragging DD(8) out of her room by her hair and something equally as bad to DS (6) (really I wouldn't do that). This is the latest example of how my children act and I can't take it anymore.<br><br>
Kids get home from school around 2:00, it's now 3:45 so they have had over and hour and a half to play and wind down. I told DD and DS that it's time to get their home work folders out and start home work. They both walked away and went on playing like I had not said a thing, and they both heard me and responded so I know they know what I said. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
This is how it would normally go. I say it over and over again with no results, then I would get angree and yell and threaten to take a toy away or some other punishment that came to me at that second. Then everyone would be mad and homework time would be hell.<br><br>
It's not just homework time, it'd everything, getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth, doing chores, anything, ANYTHING!!!!! I tell them to do is treated like this.<br><br>
Please, help me get my kids to do what I say, when I say it. There must be a GD way of making this happen.
 

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As far as the homework. Maybe it would be easier if you had them do it immediately when they get home. They would more likely still be "in the zone" and less likely to refuse the direction.<br><br>
How are you asking and how much do you participate?<br><br>
I find that if I say..."L lets get things cleaned up" then I help her clean them she is more likely to jump in and get involved.<br><br>
I think when we are eager to show participation they are more eager to respond positively.<br><br>
If this is redundant or has already been tried I am sorry. this is just what works for us.
 

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About 30 minutes before you want them to do something such as a chore or homework, you might stop what you are doing and join with them in their play. To connect. Then five minutes or so before the chore, start giving them advance notice. Then when its time for the chore or activity, try to transition WITH them: "Its time to set the table for dinner. Let's pick up these toys [if they don't help you do it anyway]. DD1, do you want to put the dishes on or the silverware? DD2, do you want to put the cups out or the napkins? Great! I'll bring the juice. This table is looking great."<br><br>
Try giving very specific tasks, rather than broad orders, such as, "DD1 let's put these books on the bookshelf" rather than "DD1 clean up your room."<br><br>
Try hard to make it fun and worth listening to you. Put a secret note in DD's homework book on the last page of her assignment that says, "Look under your bed! Love, your secret admirer." Have a little present wrapped up under there.<br><br>
Its tempting to focus on consequences when kids don't mind you. But the problem is more likely one of connection: They don't care whether they please you.<br><br>
You might also have a family meeting and bring specific things to the table and ask for their help in figuring them out. Maybe there is a time they would prefer to do their homework. Talk about a few things you would like them to do and ask if there are some things they would like you to do. See what compromises you can work out. Write things down and tape it to the frig, or one for each child on their bedroom door.
 

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Ds is only 14mo but taking <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/notes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="notes">: anyway for myself and my friend who has school-age kids <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Good advice so far!
 

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just a quick reply before I put the kids to bed... but at their ages I would meet with them. I would explain without blame what the problem is "Certain things need to get done to make our family work and they aren't" and I would ask them what they think about that to give them an opportunity to discuss their concerns or feelings... then I would ask them to help me come up with solutions or ideas to try... then maybe I would agree to revisit it in a certain period of time to see how its going...
 

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I find its helpful to plan ahead and give them notice. <i>"Its 2:45. Homework at 3:30. Did you hear me? Do you agree? Okay -- I will set the timer and when you hear it, that will be the reminder, got it?"</i><br><br>
It helps to have flexible routines, and to get the kids used to doing the same things at the same approximate predictable times. It also helps to be able to <i>appeal to the routine</i> rather than to appeal to your authority. It is less of a power play to say, "<i>Time for homework!"</i> than it is to say, "Go do your homework now." Does that make sense?<br><br>
A special word about homework -- in our family, homework is handled a little differently than other responsibilities are. Homework is not my responsibility. Its their's. My responsibility is to help with creating a time and a place, and being nearby to keep company. I don't micro-manage, I don't force homework or argue about homwork. I only help if they ask for help or show frustration. If they choose not to do their homework, I point out that they will be going to school without their work the next day, and they will have to take that up with their teacher. After I point that out, then I try to back off and let them make the choice.<br><br>
For all responsibilities and tasks -- mom's company is still the best motivator at this age. Even with getting dressed. I know that it feels like it takes more time to stop what you are doing and get involved with whatever you have asked them to do. However -- you can look at it like this: You can spend 25 minutes arguing, fighting, yelling and cohearsing with everyone feeling miserable and yucky, and nothing getting done. Or you can spend the 25 minutes "helping" and being with your children while they work. Either way -- you have exerted energy and used time. But one way is more pleasant for everyone than the other way!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you for the help. Everyones advise is great. I think I'll try a meeting to talk about the not listening because it has become a big problem, and it would be nice to talk about it calmly when I'm not already angry. I also like the idea of the timer for home work and telling them ahead of time when they will be doing homework.<br><br>
How about with getting ready in the morning? How do you mom's get them ready without repeating yourself over and over again. This is hard for me because we have to be out of the house on time or we miss the bus and then I would have a 30 min drive to get them to school. They have an hour and a half to get ready so they have lots of time.
 

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Have you ever noticed that the less time you have the more you get done? Maybe the tasks get 'lost' in the hour and a half time in the am. Let's use 6 am as a starting point. Instead of get up at 6 am and being ready to get out the door at 7:30, it becomes, get up at 6 am. Beds made clothes on and face and teeth brushed by 6:20. That gives a sense of urgency. Then you could have a basket of fun stuff on the top of the fridge. If they are both ready by 6:20 (both that way they can encourage each other to step it up) during and after breakfast they can pick one activity out of the basket to do. Growing up my mom did something similar, we would play uno, or a board game or some holiday theme craft during the morning hours.<br><br>
Just an idea and the 'what I used to do' for you!
 

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I think I lucked out because my older son is completely independent in the AM. He is 10. He sets an alarm, gets himself up, showers, dresses, cooks his own breakfast, and packs his bag and lunch. I get up 15 min. before he walks out the door to walk to the bus stop, just so that I can spend a little time with him and make sure he gets off safetly.<br><br>
My 6 yo. is a struggle to deal with in the AM, but I drive him to school an hour after big brother leaves, so I feel that is plenty of time to work with him 1:1. My tips, for what they are worth:<br>
- Do whatever you can the night before. Bags packed, coats out, shoes out, lunches packed, coffe maker prepped!<br>
- Keep their AM responsiblities very simple -- my son just needs to get dressed and eat. Thats it. And most mornings, I dress him.<br>
- They need to be completely ready to leave before they do anything else. Before they play or anything. And in my house, no AM television.<br>
- I get up well before my little guy, and I do what I need to get done before he wakes up.
 

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My DD only 4 but the 'lesson" may still be the same. DD still needs to nap if she doesn't shes super whinny drives everyone bonkers then she colplases like 5pm treats that like a nap and is then up till well past midnight. And isa grump in the morning before preschool. She needs the nap. However shes also needs my help in "making it happen" I can do it a few ways<br>
1) allow her to countinue staying up in hopes multiple days of being overly tired she'll get it.. (BTDT its not gonna work)<br><br>
2) yell lock her dor and let her scream her self to sleep (or other punitive ways)<br><br>
3) help parent her down...<br><br>
We choose #3 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> dd is simpily not ready to on her own realize she needs the nap, so we help we give massages read books remind her its time to keep her body still. Not every day is as smooth and nt every day is a challange. Its what she needs though. I can whine and insist shes "old enough" but shes not she one day will hopefully be able to read her body better but for now we will help. We will as GD as possible "Make it happen"<br><br>
SO my advice look at things from all angles would a chart listing what comes next help? (DD VERY visual and these are pure lifesavers) would not having a break between school and homework help? (I was this way) do they need to eat better is TV taking over and causing adverse behavior. Is there personal things managable are they aware of what it takes to get things done ect.. At there age I'd sit down with them and say X and Y is NOT working lets think of how we can improve and develop a plan together.
 
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