Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 64 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,119 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you are female and hetero and married, do you have male friends? I don't really any more and I kinda miss them.
I met and married dh really fast, so I kinda missed this jealousy thing of his. I brushed it aside thinking that once he knew I was faithful, he'd lighten up. Hasn't really happened, 5 years later. His issue is that his first marriage ended in adultry (on the X's part) with a lot of men, some of them friends of hers, some friends and a relative of his. He was/is udderly humiliated by this and was caught off gaurd.
When we married, I re-evaluated a lot of my male friendships. He didn't tell me to, but I knew it made him uncomfortable and it didn't seem worth the trouble. I realized that most of these "friendships" were pretty shallow, based on flirting, and in the past some of these had morphed into "friends with benefits" and they weren't really a daily part of my life anyway, so we just grew apart.
Well, there are a couple I do miss. These were the real friendships (just 2 or 3). I'd like to meet, catch up over coffee, etc. but I know dh will freak out. I don't know if it is worth it. He'll wonder, why now?

This posting embarasses me, so don't get the idea that I am some subservient mouse. I am rather bossy, career woman, college educated, lived on my own for years, etc. etc. I am trying to balance being sensitive to my husband and not feeling held back.

Advice? WWYD?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,262 Posts
I really miss male friends. Not from a dh standpoint - he has female friends and is totally fine with my male friends. It is just in my mummy life I have less contact with men. Many of my male friendships were like yours - flirty and not too deep. BUT they were fun, gave another perspective on things. I *really* miss this during the playground chats about poo, food, preschool etc


I have a few really close male friends (still some element of flirting I must admit - I never seem to get completely away from that
) But they live far away these days.

No good advice other than talk it out with dh. I know I am just not that great a female friendships. I have a few women friends I love and adore but have always gravitated towards male friendships.

Good luck to you
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,290 Posts
I do, but they live far away, so I don't see them. I've also known them since I was 11 and dh knows that, so it may be a bit different.

I'd talk to your dh, maybe invite him with. Reassure him you're not looking to step out, just catch up w/old friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,729 Posts
long time married but not quite hetero all the way lol
but my bf is male and has been my bf for 8 yrs longer than I have even known dh ...
we spend time running around together when he is in town and later when dh is off work we all go do stuff..so I think the pp that said invite dh along may have the nail on the head..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,092 Posts
2 year wedding anniversary coming up on the solstice, not quite hetero all the way as well but here's my .02...
I agree with shelbean91...having DH come along with you on a coffee outing or something with yer old buds. Maybe yer old buds have found partners for themselves as well! I also had a lot of male friends, also, based mostly on shallow flirting and "friends with bennies". I've lost contact with just about all of them. I miss a couple of them that I was closer to, but I have no idea where they are now, since they were from the traveling around the land days...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
I lost touch with a lot of my old male friends while I was with my ex. I basically slipped into his crowd, and all my friends were his friends - all men, except the wife of one of them. I've since lost all of them, because they were friends of my ex's. (It's not a "him vs. her" thing - most of them aren't his friends anymore, either...he has no friends left. It was just really awkward and uncomfortable for everyone after 15 years.)

I don't know how I'd handle it if dh had an issue with me having male friends. Since I was a little girl - before my own memories - my closest friends have almost all been male. There have been two or three really close female friends, but the others were all guys. Right now, I don't really have any friends other than dh (we're both introverts and neither of us has been in a position to meet many people for the last few years).

I think you (the OP) should talk to your dh. With respect to the "why now" aspect of things, just point out that you haven't talked to any of your friends in a long time, and you miss them. That would be true if they were female, as well. Sometimes it just takes a while to realize how long it's been since you had contact with someone. Friends are important, and I don't care what gender they are. Of course your partner should come first...but not to the extent that other friendships can't even exist.

(I am fortunate that dh has no issue with this. We had a long-distance relationship - between BC, Canada and Tennessee - for over a year. During that time, I was meeting a male friend for coffee at least 2 or 3 times per month. DH wasn't bothered at all.)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
17,826 Posts
I only have 1 male friend and he is gay, so dh isn't too worried about me hanging out with him alone. But I have to admit that I don't think I would be really happy with him hanging out with a women, if I wasn't also part of the friendship. He does have some female friends, but he has included me in those friendships. Of course they are married, so we usually do couples outings. Maybe you could include your dh in those friendships? Obviously, he won't have as close a relationship with your old friends just due to the time you've known them, but it might just put his mind at ease and still allow you to keep your male friends. Maybe even once he gets to know them better he wouldn't feel threatened by them. Just an idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,840 Posts
I have several male friends, and Dh's best friend of many years is female. I am even close with my ex-husband lol. I can see why you'd miss having male friends to connect with.

In your shoes I would deinately be talking with my husband about this. I couldn't be in a marriage where there wasn't enough trust for me to have friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,119 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I don't feel like there isn't trust, it is just this issue and this is not in anyway a big enough deal fo rme not to be married to him. I tried having a guy over to our house with dh there and dss, too, but dh was withdrawn and kinda rude. Dh doesn't have female friends, either, or really any friends other than his cousins. He's an introvert, I'm not so much. HE doesn't need other people, I do, it kinda hurts his feelings. We have talked about it before, but he says he just "can't get the image out of his head" of me with someone else. I am so loyal. I never even cheated on someone in high school.

BTW, not 100% hetero here, wither, just thought I'd mention it so I didn't get abunch of post about assuming everyone is hetero.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,028 Posts
Sounds like your hubby was hurt bad to be so untrusting. What about gay male friends? He wouldn't have a problem then would he? And what about being friendly with other couples, always in the couple setting. It would break him in gently to you having some male company, in a safe environment. A bit of formality is a good thing at times.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,729 Posts
this at all "BTW, not 100% hetero here, wither, just thought I'd mention it so I didn't get abunch of post about assuming everyone is hetero"

I just put that in my post because I have been told in the past (not here) that I can't have a hetero viewpoint so wanted to respond but preface that I may not be the full requirement for the perspective you were looking for
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,138 Posts
I think the introvert/extrovert coupling can be difficult too, esp. if he has trouble understanding why you "need" to have other friends. Sometime when you're talking you can point out that in order to feel like yourself you need to see other friends just as he needs his space and alone time to feel good (I am more of an introvert than my dh, btw).

Maybe once you tackle that you can tackle the male friends thing. I have male friends, dh has female friends, and it's never been an issue for us.

Good luck! I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like this particular issue might be a good one to talk about in counseling (or some objective third party), maybe leading to a better understanding of where each partner is coming from (it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on him, but vice versa not so much). Just my .02!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Flor
I don't feel like there isn't trust, it is just this issue ... but he says he just "can't get the image out of his head" of me with someone else.
There isn't trust. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him, or that it's worth ending your marriage over. But, this basically boils down to his baggage from a previous relationship controlling your behaviour now. If he can't get the image out of his head, when there's no reason to believe you ever have or ever would cheat on him, then he should talk to a counsellor about why he's projecting his ex's behaviour onto you.

Male friends and adultery have nothing to do with each other. I know women who have lots of male friends and would never even consider cheating, and I know women who'd cheat with the first scumbag they met at a bar...but would never even consider a friendship with the same guy. I hope your dh gets over this, because he's punishing you for his ex's behaviour, which is totally unfair and destructive to the relationship. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,995 Posts
My closest friends are male. We have been friends for years. Much longer than I have been with dh. Fortunately, dh does not have a jealous bone in his body. I often go out with them alone and he has no issue with this. DH is usually invited if he's not working, but he's pretty introverted as well so he mostly chooses to opt out. He also does not mind if I make new male friends and hang out with them, although in actuality most of these guys have been gay, so not much of an issue really.

I kind of have a double standard for him though. I don't mind him hanging with girls he's been friends with since before we got married, but a new close friendship would make me uncomfortable.

I did have an ex bf who was very very jealous and controlling. If a guy even looked at me, or smiled and waved he was ready to beat him up. Glad I got rid of that loser!

I would have a talk with your dh. Let him know that you are completely committed to the marriage, but that these people are important to you as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,896 Posts
At the moment unfortunately I don't have any male friends. But I have in the past & DH was always fine with it. Neither one of us is the jealous type though.

It sounds like you've tried discussing this with him one on one, but have you tried counseling? Can you approach him at a good moment and mention that (1) You respect that he's an introvert, but you're feeling the need to (re)connect with friends. You're needs are just as important as his! (2) You'd really like to catch up with some old friends, and yes some of them are male, but you don't want to hurt his feelings or leave him feeling betrayed. (3) If he doesn't seem open to discussion this or gets defensive say you'd like to try a couple sessions with a marriage counselor to work on balance and trust issues.

It may also help to mention to him that going to a marriage counselor BEFORE there is a major problem is preferrable to waiting until AFTER a problem has developed!

: Good luck!

Holly
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
this is an issue for me too. I have reconnected with a former BF (just mentioned him in the above suicide thread) and while I have no interest in him romantically or sexually, we really are very close, and it makes me feel weird. I am not in love with him, don't fantasize about him, it is completely friendship. I am pretty sure he feels the same way, though if I weren't married I imagine he would be making advances (he is in the process of divorcing his wife, so I guess he is "looking"). We sometimes joke about what it would be like if we did get back together. Then I think, what if my DH were joking with an ex GF like that? Would it hurt my feelings?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,123 Posts
My best friend is male, and my DP is ok with it now. He wasn't very comfortable with it at first (mostly because of what a pp said about emotional baggage from a previous relationship--he had been cheated on before). But we are all friends now. Sometimes things are a little too close between my DP and my best friend for me. I sometimes wish they weren't as good friends as they are, since my best friend and I don't hang out alone much anymore and I miss that alone time a lot.

The only real problems we've had about my best friend being male came from my FIL. He was convinced that my best friend and I were sleeping together and even went so far as to say that my DS wasn't my DP's child!

I am still very angry over that, and my FIL is not allowed to see my DS anymore.

But anyway, that's not the point. I just wanted to share my story since all the advice I could give was already given (and worded better than I could have
)

Good luck to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,457 Posts
I have quite a few male friends, way more than I do female ones. I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys and my first best friend (ages 7-12) was a boy.

Some of my male friends are gay (and actually, my best female friend is a lesbian, though she didn't figure that out, so to speak, until about 10 years after we became friends); some of them are exes; some of them are just friends I've had forever. DH is not jealous of any of them; he's friends with several of them now too, or at least "close acquaintances".

None of them live close by, but where we lived before there were 2 within 45 min or so, and I used to go out for coffee or dinner w/them on occasion, usually without DH but sometimes he would come with. Both were gay, dunno if that made things easier on DH or not. I also used to meet a 3rd (hetero and married) male friend for lunch once a week because we worked near one another. That never seemed to bother DH either. Really he had (and has) nothing to be worried about, since I have no interest in kindling, or rekindling, Anything Like That with any of my male friends.

My DH is a SAHD so he spends many hours every week at playgroups and storytimes that are usually filled with moms. He knows way more women than I do, but I'm not worried about it. I guess if he wanted to go have coffee with one of them once a week, I might wonder about his motives though, but that could be only because I am hugely pregnant and don't really feel all that attractive right now!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,840 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Flor
I don't feel like there isn't trust, it is just this issue and this is not in anyway a big enough deal fo rme not to be married to him. I tried having a guy over to our house with dh there and dss, too, but dh was withdrawn and kinda rude.
Oh I didn't mean you shouldn't be with him over it, but just that I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me and my commitment to our relationship enough for me to have male friends.
I totally see it as a trust issue because it's about him thinking you might cheat, and that is about trust.. or the lack thereof.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
I guess I'll be the oddball and say that I don't think opposite-sex friendships are appropriate for people who are married. I don't think there is anything wrong with your husband not wanting you to have close male friends. Just my opinion, not putting anyone else down, you just asked for opinions.
 
1 - 20 of 64 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top