[Flor]

If you are female and hetero and married, do you have male friends? I don't really any more and I kinda miss them.
I met and married dh really fast, so I kinda missed this jealousy thing of his. I brushed it aside thinking that once he knew I was faithful, he'd lighten up. Hasn't really happened, 5 years later. His issue is that his first marriage ended in adultry (on the X's part) with a lot of men, some of them friends of hers, some friends and a relative of his. He was/is udderly humiliated by this and was caught off gaurd.
When we married, I re-evaluated a lot of my male friendships. He didn't tell me to, but I knew it made him uncomfortable and it didn't seem worth the trouble. I realized that most of these "friendships" were pretty shallow, based on flirting, and in the past some of these had morphed into "friends with benefits" and they weren't really a daily part of my life anyway, so we just grew apart.
Well, there are a couple I do miss. These were the real friendships (just 2 or 3). I'd like to meet, catch up over coffee, etc. but I know dh will freak out. I don't know if it is worth it. He'll wonder, why now?

This posting embarasses me, so don't get the idea that I am some subservient mouse. I am rather bossy, career woman, college educated, lived on my own for years, etc. etc. I am trying to balance being sensitive to my husband and not feeling held back.

Advice? WWYD?

 

[Flor]

I don't feel like there isn't trust, it is just this issue and this is not in anyway a big enough deal fo rme not to be married to him. I tried having a guy over to our house with dh there and dss, too, but dh was withdrawn and kinda rude. Dh doesn't have female friends, either, or really any friends other than his cousins. He's an introvert, I'm not so much. HE doesn't need other people, I do, it kinda hurts his feelings. We have talked about it before, but he says he just "can't get the image out of his head" of me with someone else. I am so loyal. I never even cheated on someone in high school.

BTW, not 100% hetero here, wither, just thought I'd mention it so I didn't get abunch of post about assuming everyone is hetero.

 

[Flor]

OH, gosh, I agree with all of you. On the one hand, it isn't a big deal since none of these friendships were all that important. I did commit myself to this marriage and I do respect my partner's insecurities. We do talk about it. It is not like he prohibits it, just it hurts his feelings. I know it does. He took up smoking last time I invited an old friend (and to be honest, highschool X) over for lunch (with whole family there) !!!! I am just deciding if it is worth it to me. There is about 2 friends who I occasionally would like to call up or chat with , is it worth the PITA of dh's feelings? I don't know. I just put it off a little longer. I'm busy and all. .

 

[Flor]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirsten What exactly would be so stressful about him coming to LUNCH at your HOUSE with your entire FAMILY there?? That just strikes me as way overkill. It is not like you were sneaking out to meet him at the drive in or something! .

Dh is insecure about his body/looks, though he is a hottie, he was severly over weight most of his childhood and still feels like he's not "good enough". It is controlling, I guess, but it hasn't changed my life that much so it wasn't a deal breaker. I am totally in love, was from the first night we met (ok, second). I have all my girlfriends. It sucks, yes, but didn't change my life so much that it seemed like a big deal at the time.

 

[Flor]

I agree it is problematic when a SO wants to cut you off from your support system. But what if you still have your family and female friends and work collegueges (sp?) just not those handful of male friends? It is random to me too, I guess, but OTOH, my dh has no female friends so I can't for sure say how I would feel.

 

[Flor]

I would prefer that my mate accept my male friends, but unfortunately, the man I fell in love with has some insecurities.

I wasn't trying to justify his feelings so much (by saying I still have these girl friends. . .) its just that if a friend told me that her SO didn't like her relationship with some of her friends, it would be a red flag that he is possibly abusive, etc. I was just pointing out that as much as it irks me, it is pretty limited.

Yeah, sounds like I am defending his problem, just isn't translating well into print.