[Storm Bride]

I lost touch with a lot of my old male friends while I was with my ex. I basically slipped into his crowd, and all my friends were his friends - all men, except the wife of one of them. I've since lost all of them, because they were friends of my ex's. (It's not a "him vs. her" thing - most of them aren't his friends anymore, either...he has no friends left. It was just really awkward and uncomfortable for everyone after 15 years.)

I don't know how I'd handle it if dh had an issue with me having male friends. Since I was a little girl - before my own memories - my closest friends have almost all been male. There have been two or three really close female friends, but the others were all guys. Right now, I don't really have any friends other than dh (we're both introverts and neither of us has been in a position to meet many people for the last few years).

I think you (the OP) should talk to your dh. With respect to the "why now" aspect of things, just point out that you haven't talked to any of your friends in a long time, and you miss them. That would be true if they were female, as well. Sometimes it just takes a while to realize how long it's been since you had contact with someone. Friends are important, and I don't care what gender they are. Of course your partner should come first...but not to the extent that other friendships can't even exist.

(I am fortunate that dh has no issue with this. We had a long-distance relationship - between BC, Canada and Tennessee - for over a year. During that time, I was meeting a male friend for coffee at least 2 or 3 times per month. DH wasn't bothered at all.)

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by Flor I don't feel like there isn't trust, it is just this issue ... but he says he just "can't get the image out of his head" of me with someone else.

There isn't trust. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with him, or that it's worth ending your marriage over. But, this basically boils down to his baggage from a previous relationship controlling your behaviour now. If he can't get the image out of his head, when there's no reason to believe you ever have or ever would cheat on him, then he should talk to a counsellor about why he's projecting his ex's behaviour onto you.

Male friends and adultery have nothing to do with each other. I know women who have lots of male friends and would never even consider cheating, and I know women who'd cheat with the first scumbag they met at a bar...but would never even consider a friendship with the same guy. I hope your dh gets over this, because he's punishing you for his ex's behaviour, which is totally unfair and destructive to the relationship. Good luck!

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by A&A Falling in love isn't really magic--we TEND to fall in love with people we spend a lot of time with. So, I just see spending time with an opposite sex friend as playing with fire.

The only time I ever felt in danger of getting burned by spending time with a friend of the opposite sex was when my marriage was already in the toilet. The guy in question was a co-worker, a really nice guy and found me fascinating (not so much as a woman, really - we just had really different backgrounds, and I don't think he'd ever met anyone like me). My marriage was in worse shape than I can even begin to express, and I think if other things hadn't happened that changed the dynamic, I'd have ended up in bed with him. (I don't even like to admit that to myself, let alone anyone else.)

However, he was one of dozens of males I've had friendships with in my life. There was never any danger with any of the others...because I was already in love with my spouse (or fiance, or boyfriend, or whatever).

I really don't think very many people, if any, go from a happy marriage to "oh, I think I'm going to jump into bed with this guy because we've had lunch twice a month for the last year".

And, I have to disagree. I think falling in love is magic - or at least it can be. I fell for my ex almost immediately, even though I had tons of other male friends (one of them introduced us, in fact). And, when I met dh online, I had an ICQ chat list of 40 people...at least 25 of them were male. But, he was the one that everything "clicked" with, even though I spent at least as much time talking to a few others. Love is...different.

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by allgirls I think it can cause problems...I have a friend who talks to a female friend on a daily basis and when she calls on the phone he leaves the room to talk to her in private...now maybe that's ok but I think it's a little strange. If a male friend calls he doesn't go in the other room. When she brought it up that it bothered her he complained she didn't "trust" him...well...if it quacks like a duck...either he 's playing games with her or something's up...either way I think it's disrespectful to his partner.

That's really bizarre behaviour, and I'd be suspicious, too. I've never felt the need to hide conversations with my male friends from my dh - or from my ex. And, the fact that he's complaining about her not trusting him...that's trying to make her behaviour the problem, when it's actually his behaviour that's odd. I hope it turns out to be nothing, but I'd definitely be wondering where things were going for this couple.

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by Mama Nurse ...DH isn't thrilled with the idea, says he trusts me, just doesn't trust other guys...

Okay - that doesn't even make sense to me. Does he think you're going to get raped if you have male friends? Because, in any other context, not trusting other guys is the same thing as not trusting you.

If a male friend put the moves on me, he wouldn't be a friend anymore. DH understands this...that's part of trusting your spouse...knowing that they wouldn't continue a friendship that showed signs of going out of bounds.

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by lilyka ...my dh has really little free time it it would really burn me if he was using it getting close to some other woman when he could be getting closer to me and growing uor relationship.

Why? I'm not trying to be obnoxious - I just don't understand this at all. If it's okay for my spouse to have friends, why do they have to be male? Why do my friends have to be female? I just find it so weird that anybody would think gender is so important where friendship is concerned. What difference does it make? Would it burn you if he was spending some of his very little free time with his male friends instead of with you?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as flip or dismissive. This is just one of those things that many people seem to "get", and I just never have understood it.

 

[Storm Bride]

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Originally Posted by trinity6232000 I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who didn't value the friendships that have made me who I am now, the women that he loves.

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