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I am at the lowest point in my life right now. I am going to C&P a private entry that I put in my myspace blog. I know that Mothering isn't a private board, but at least this area is private so I feel safe enough posting it here:

I debated on posting this. I'm not one to air dirty laundry but right now I feel so immensely alone. What do I have to lose? My marriage? It feels like it's already lost.

I want to preface this blog by saying I am not looking to hurt or name call or have anyone else name call. I'm writing this blog because I feel very alone and confused and I don't know what to do. I have tried calling therapists to get myself an emergency appointment but all I keep getting is voice mail.

Just to quickly sum things up so that it makes more sense, James admitted to having an affair on Thursday morning. It has been going on for 2 months. He tried leaving us that morning, but for certain reasons he stayed. I believe he felt obligated and backed into a corner. He called the other person (at my request) and cut if off with her via a voice mail.

Friday I was preparing for Samara's birthday party the next day. While I was decorating the cake, James and I were talking and it came out again that he didn't want to be here and that he doesn't love me anymore. He started getting ready to leave and I called the kids in to say goodbye to him (bad move probably but I wasn't thinking clearly). They got hysterical, just like they had on Thursday morning. It was a very, very upsetting scene. The kids and I all crying hysterically begging him not to go. It was like we weren't getting through to him at all and he showed no emotion.

Finally I said something that got through to him.. I won't say what it was.... but then it was like his emotions turned back on and he realized what he was doing. His emotions started pouring out and it seemed like I finally had him back (he's been very, very distant for 2 months).

That night we connected and held tightly to eachother and promised we would work things out and we would seek professional help. I was so relieved to finally have the "real" James back.

All day Saturday was the same. Despite canceling Samara's party because we felt we needed to focus on our immediate family, we had a good day, relatively speaking. We were on the same page. He was HERE physically, mentally, emotionally. I could see it in his eyes, his words, his actions.

He went back to work yesterday and I just knew.... I just knew he would slip away again. And sure enough, last night when he got home things were just "off".

Today he called me to say he's not coming home. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He feels backed into a corner, and like everyone else is telling him what to do.

I am terrified that he is going back to this other person and I am terrified that she is clouding his head and trying to keep him in her life (she btw is married).

It's just sooooooooo mind boggling to me how he can throw away this family.. his wife of 8 years, his 3 children.. his whole existence for someone he HARDLY KNOWS. I emphasize hardly knows because they have literally only spent a couple hours togther a week for the past 2 months. It hurts me to the deepest core and I feel like I'm falling apart.

Nothing anyone says gets through to him. He is in a fog, maybe in love with this person, and that is clouding his judgement and changing *who he is* as a person. For the worse. He's usually an upstanding person. A good, attentive, loving husband, an awesome father. But now, I don't even know who this person is anymore. I miss the old him. I miss him so much........

We agreed to try counseling on Thursday, but with how wishy washy he has been I just don't know if it will actually happen or not.

I also don't know if I should just say forget it.... just not even try anymore. This is not the first time something like this has happened, and if I allow him to come back (should he choose to do so) how do I know it won't happen again?

I want to believe that counseling will help us. We have never sought professional help before, and we really should have. I have taken him for granted and probably not been the best wife, and for that I am kicking myself in the ass.

I don't know.........

I just feel so, so alone, confused, hurt, desperate. And I get to deal with the pain and confusion from our children as well. How do you explain to them that Daddy isn't coming home tonight? Or possibly ever?

Oh God.... what did I do wrong????????
 

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I think you have to let him go. Concentrate on your life and your children. The only way you'd ever truly get him back would be to get yourself back and by that point, you wouldn't want him anymore. Funny how that works.

Allow yourself time to grieve, but keep moving forward every day. Don't get distracted by mindless activities and try to stay productive at least a little every day.

There may be some blame to take for the whole situation of your marraige, but he's a grown man who can talk about things with you. If he felt disconnected, it was his responsibility to talk with you about it and try to reconnect. You cannot take the blame for the affair...not in the least. YOu didn't do this.

 

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I've been in your shoes. First of all, it will get better... no matter what happens. I remember that punched-in-the-gut feeling and it will go away. Second, I recommend the forums at survivinginfidelity.com (I hope I'm allowed to link to that).

It's not your fault. I'm so sorry you're going through it.
 

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I am so sorry you're going through this. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I have felt despair similar to what you must be feeling.

I think you need to get counseling for yourself, no matter what he does. It will help you to manage what you say to your kids, and to your own heart. I don't think any permanent decisions can be made right now, in the heat of all this hurt, do you?

I'm sorry to read that this is a pattern of behavior for him. Obviously things must change drastically before you should allow him to return to your marriage. Personally, if it was me, I would let him know that he's not welcome to return right now until you both are thinking more clearly. And, that as long as he is breaking your vows and involved with another woman, that he can't come back....but that is just me, and maybe others here who've been through it will have better advice.

You're not alone, and I am sending you big hugs.
Hang in there.
 

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I would definately tell this women's husband and let him go..You want him there b/c he wants to be, not b/c he feels he has too.

 

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I am so, so sorry.

If I have any advice, consider making this NOT EASY for him. Many women, when faced with a partner considering leaving, make things so easy for him - minimizing childcare issues, financial issues, arrangments for time. I am of the opposite opinion, in that, if he wants to leave, to "trial" something, let him "trial" taking half the load with childcare, paying child support, plus play therapy costs for the kids.

I have to think that returning to his marriage and his family will be better, more fulfilling, and easier.
 

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What a painful situation to be in....


It seems to me (and I haven't been in this situation, so I won't pretend to have any authority) that you need to let him go. You've tried to 'snap him out of it', and maybe it seemed to work, but it was fleeting. It's not going to make either of you (or your children) happy to force him to stay when he doesn't want to be there. Take the energy that you've been burning since Thursday and use it to love yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry momma
 

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I am so, so sorry for the pain you are in. I am not an expert on this either but I do know from reading others experiences that begging does not help in the long-term. The only thing that seems to work some of the time is letting them go. The more you chase him the more he can "have his cake and eat it too". Right now there is no incentive for him to analyze what he could be missing if he left cause he knows you will be right there waiting. I think it would be really, really hard to do but I think your only chance to get him back someday is to let him go right now. Maybe let him know by this and this date you will have needed to make a decision- in or out. You have no control over his actions- take control of yours because you WILL be ok- no matter what happens- you will make it and so will your kids.
 

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Hard as it may be let him go. Let him go and get yourself a lawyer. This yo-yo of "staying" and "going" that he's doing to you (and your children) is not healthy for anyone. Grieve your lost relationship, but more forth, try to est. a routine for your littles so that they can feel like things aren't out of control (no matter how they really are) enlist the help of your extended family and friends.

You did not do anything wrong. This is not your issue, it is his. Let the other woman's husband know what's going on.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by warrior mama View Post
go to www.survivinginfidelity.com
check out the 180. It is the opposite of begging him to stay. I would also get some legal advice.
Oh, and make sure the other woman's husband knows - this is his emotional and physical health at risk too.
And many, many hugs to you.
yes, yes, yes!

Please go to survivinginfidelity.com It helped me for months after I discovered my DH's infidelity.

No one can understand if s/he hasn't been there. No one. We can all think what we'd do and not do, but until you've been there having your world crumble beneath your feet, you don't know.

That's why I always get so annoyed by posters saying with great certainty, "I'd kick him to the curb." Maybe they would and maybe they wouldn't, but if you've not been there, you can't say for sure. So go to a place where everyone is experiencing the same thing.

At any rate, what you'll read on survivinginfidelity and what some wise PPs have already said, is that you have to find the strength to do a "180" (read about it on SI). You can't beg and plead with him. You have to be strong for your kids and for yourself. Get counseling.

Call in your friends and family. I know there's a huge amount of shame involved in admitting this sort of thing and not everyone agrees that it's a good idea to let others know what is going on, especially if you all reconcile (friends of mine still hate DH, despite the fact that we've been happily reconciled for two years). However, it sounds like you need all the help you can get now -- logistically and emotionally.

As very painful as it is (I know it's an admission that things could just not work out) *please* see a lawyer and find out what you need to do to protect yourself legally. Please. It's hard. But do it.

Also, get yourself tested. Again. Hard. Hardest part of the whole messed up infidelity thing for me was getting myself tested for STDs. Awful. Humiliating and it wasn't even *my fault*!!!!


Please PM me if you want a BTDT or just a safe place to vent.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Apricot View Post
I am so, so sorry.

If I have any advice, consider making this NOT EASY for him. Many women, when faced with a partner considering leaving, make things so easy for him - minimizing childcare issues, financial issues, arrangments for time. I am of the opposite opinion, in that, if he wants to leave, to "trial" something, let him "trial" taking half the load with childcare, paying child support, plus play therapy costs for the kids.

I have to think that returning to his marriage and his family will be better, more fulfilling, and easier.
I've never been through this, the closest I've come is watching my best friend go through it over the last year. This sounds like really good advice to me though. He seems determined to make his own decision. You said he said "He feels backed into a corner, and like everyone else is telling him what to do." Well he can make his own decision but he needs to know that he's not just choosing the excitement of the other woman, he's also choosing all the other stuff that goes along with the breakup of a marriage. He needs to know what that looks like before he can know if it's worth it.

 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Apricot View Post
I am so, so sorry.

If I have any advice, consider making this NOT EASY for him. Many women, when faced with a partner considering leaving, make things so easy for him - minimizing childcare issues, financial issues, arrangments for time. I am of the opposite opinion, in that, if he wants to leave, to "trial" something, let him "trial" taking half the load with childcare, paying child support, plus play therapy costs for the kids.

I have to think that returning to his marriage and his family will be better, more fulfilling, and easier.
Yes to all the above and lawyer, emergency order of support and phone call to TOW's husband. Cause that is just they way I roll.
 

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I've never been in this position, but my feeling is I'd let him go, and maybe while you're all apart and he has space to think things he'll end up coming back. And maybe he'll be gone for good. But I'm afraid it sounds like it's out of your control at this point
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
 
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