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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'll try to make this as short as possible. DH and I were married in April 2002, exactly 7 weeks after we found out I was pregnant. I'd been taking the pill, but apparently not doing a good job of it.<br><br>
Now we have a beautiful 18 month old daughter whom I adore. I'm ready to expand our family. DH won't even discuss it.<br><br>
DH comes from a blended family. He has one brother 3 years older than he and then three much younger siblings (21, and twins aged 8). I also come from a blended family - I was an only child of my parents, have two stepsisters (one older, one younger), and one half-brother.<br><br>
We do not own a home. I stay home with our daughter. DH works for his father and the company is not doing well. Our marriage seems fine (until this came up).<br><br>
When I attempt to address the issue of another child, DH says he doesn't want to discuss it. Yesterday he said "I do not believe another child would be good for this family." I want desperately to have our children (we only plan on having two) fairly close together so that they can be little growing up buds. I want to go back to teaching college English once our kids go to school . . . but I don't want to wait another 10 years to do that. . . I don't want my BODY to get much older before trying again (I'm admittedly young but I had issues with my last pregnancy). I want to be done changing diapers before I'm 35 (though I love my diapers).<br><br>
DH says "It's not going to happen." End of story, closed for discussion.<br><br>
I'm so hurt and depressed I can't handle this. . . I never thought I'd be in a marriage where it was all about my spouse, but this really seems to be. Ladies, I could use some input and advice. . .
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> this must be hard for you!<br><br>
I would suggest talking to him again - but this time approach it differently.<br><br>
Try seeing it from his point of view. Maybe the thought scares him b/c he had to financally provide for his family and he is afraid he may fail at doing this (you said the company he works for isn't doing so well.)<br><br>
My oldest was 3.5 when my youngest was born and personally I think its a great age-gap. Maybe you guys can set some goals and slowly work your way to having another baby.<br><br>
Try and be gentle with him - men are not as open about their feelings as us women. Maybe beneath his stubborness is fear. Try and look for his feelings and go from there.<br><br>
Hope that helps...
 

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18 months is still really young. Perhaps you need a compromise--waiting awhile before you talk about it again. If you still get the 2nd child you want, I think giving him a little space beforehand is completely reasonable.
 

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My only suggestion is to talk to your DH really really bluntly and honestly and tell him that it's NOT ok to just "Lay down the lay" in this way, that you need to discuss it further, and that this is a very big issue for you. If that doesn't work, I'd say try a couple counseling or therapy sessions.........I know it's not the same, but my dd's dad always seems to be able to open up more when we have an impartial third party present. Men are weird like that sometimes.......maybe it would help you guys to have a "mediator" of sorts for this kind of discussion.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">18 months is still really young. Perhaps you need a compromise--waiting awhile before you talk about it again. If you still get the 2nd child you want, I think giving him a little space beforehand is completely reasonable.</div>
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Hey mamas, I want to be clear - I'm not talking about getting pregnant tomorrow. . . I'd like to have about 3 years between babies which gives us another 6-9 months before TTCing. But I'd like to at least have the *discussion*.<br><br>
He literally won't talk about it with me. If I broach the subject he says "We're not having this conversation." If he accidentally brings it up he says "I can't believe I said that. . .we're not talking about this. We're not on the same page."
 

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I would totally drop the subject for now- not even hint about it! Then gently bring it up again in three months or so. Maybe he is more worried about finances than he's said. Don't rush things right now. (A few months down the road he may even think it's HIS idea to have another!)
 

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Woah. This is hard to deal with. I wanted another when my second was almost one. So that they could be close. Then I found out after the same discussion (or nondiscussion) that I was already pregnant. My dh thought I did it on purpose and was very mad. He felt I had made a decision about him being a parent again without his concent. Just as you are feeling that your dh is making a life decision for you without yours. It sucks and it feels like a violation. I know it is unfair but try to see it from your husbands point of view. Men are always thinking of how they are going to provide and if they measure up as husbands and father's. If he feels like he is failing, he isn't going to want to expand your family. Maybe try building him up and telling him what a good dad he is (if he is.) But, without an alterior motive of getting what you want. You may have to get counseling like the other's who have posted said. If you want another child and don't get one it will be a grieving process you have to go through but...... Don't destroy your marriage and family over this. You and your already existing child as well as your dh deserve an intact home.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MFuglei</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hey mamas, I want to be clear - I'm not talking about getting pregnant tomorrow. . . I'd like to have about 3 years between babies which gives us another 6-9 months before TTCing. But I'd like to at least have the *discussion*.</div>
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But to him, talking about it is equivalent to doing it. So he needs space without the "discussion" going on.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>wonderfulmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would totally drop the subject for now- not even hint about it! Then gently bring it up again in three months or so. Maybe he is more worried about finances than he's said. Don't rush things right now. (A few months down the road he may even think it's HIS idea to have another!)</div>
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This is what I would do too. The more pressured he feels, the more he'll dig in his heels. He has made it abundantly clear that he does not want to talk about it so it will not help your case to push the issue. Let it drop for a few months and then ask him if he's ready to talk about it yet. I think he'll be more open to listen later on if you respect his desire to let it drop it now.<br><br>
Plus, you said that he brings it up sometimes on his own by mistake - that means he is thinking about it too. It doesn't sound hopeless. But I don't think you are going to get very far with him right now.
 

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If the business is going down the tubes, and all of this other stuff going on, he probably doesn't even want to entertain the thought of another kid until you guys are financially stable.<br>
let everything get sorted out and then bring it up again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
His business has been having problems for well over two years. A man who was fraught with fears of providing for his family would have made some drastic changes by now. . .but I digress. . .<br><br>
Am I hearing you many of you mamas correctly that I should stifle my need to have this conversation on his behalf? I'm losing sleep, losing weight, and losing my mind because it is just that important to me. . .but I should shut up and swallow it until HE is ready to discuss it? How is THAT healthy for our family?<br><br>
I'm really not trying to be snarky, I just imagined I'd get more support or understanding. . . the more and more I think about it the more I think some counseling is on our docket in the near future. . .
 

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I'm trying to figure out the best way to word this. Here goes.<br>
When it comes to innocent children, I believe its best for the child to have both parents on the same page. However, I do not believe it is ok for your dh to shut you down without hearing you heartfelt concerns and desires. I really get annoyed when women are told to coddle a man's ego and help him along. I mean I get the rationale, but nurturing ought to be a two way street. He owes you the decency of discussion, through this dialogue you both could find ways to help you both achieve what you want. Shutting you down says, I'm more important, my ego is at stake, and your feelings are insignicant.<br>
As a mom to that beautiful daughter, you owe it to her to show her an example of a strong woman who believes she does matter. Don't send her into the world lacking her voice. YKWIM? There are too many sharks waiting to devour that kind of person.<br>
So how do you do this? 2002 makes you newlyweds. I'd like to imagine there's still much softness and caring (not that I believe it goes away. Celebrating 13 yrs myself) between you. If you have a night were you two are alone or dd is asleep. Tell him about the qualities you saw in him before, his tender side towards you. That you are not asking him to conceive a child, but you are asking him to hear you, to validate your feelings. Explain to him that his refusal to hear you is hurtful and belittlling. Now this can become a two way street where you can acknowledge his feelings. On this road is where together you find peace. I think you need that peace because many times no matter how much money you have, bringing a child into can seem scary. It may never be the perfect time. But then again I think we are blessed by babies in "their own perfect time".<br>
Blessings to you and your home
 

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I third the idea to drop it for now. Maybe you could be explicit with him about this - you understand he doesn't want to have the conversation and you think maybe a good compromise would be to talk about it again in six months.<br><br>
When we started thinking about our second, I agreed to start trying and then backed out because I wasn't ready. This happend more than once! Dh was ready maybe six months before I was. For me, getting pregnant before I was ready to in that situation would have been tough. We ended up conceiving the first month we tried, which was still a tiny bit early.<br><br>
JMO - but waiting until he's fully on board and is joyful and supportive and excited SO outweighs having the timing you'd hoped for.<br><br>
Good luck. I know how hard this is!
 

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I don't know what to tell you, but I did want to say that I don't believe you should just "shut up and swallow it". Like you said, I can't believe THAT'S healthy.<br><br><br>
Maybe you should explain how important it is for you to have the TALK - NOT act on it, just discuss it. I'd also explain how hurtful it is for him to just refuse to discuss it. That's just not cool. Maybe it will help him to understand where you're coming from if you're very clear about not having another rightthisverymoment, but maybe down the road.<br><br>
I can see his pov - if I was having trouble providing for my existing family, I wouldn't exactly be rushing to add to it, ya know? BUT I would be open to discussing it, if only to get my thoughts out there.<br><br>
Tough situation. But I guess I tend to side w/you in thinking that you should be able to at least discuss it!! Good luck.
 

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I think that since this is really bothering you and causing you emotional and physical discomfort, you need to get him to sit down and talk to you about this. Does he know you're this depressed and worried about this? If not, you really need to explain your feelings and get him to listen. Now, I'm not sure exactly how to do this, but it seems like it really needs to happen. He needs to hear you out and understand your reasons for wanting another child sooner (sort of) rather than later. Maybe if he would understand that the sooner you have another child, the sooner you'll be back to work, he'll understand a little better.<br><br>
I'm sorry you are going through this and depressed about it. I don't know if I gave good advice, but I can understand why you need some support about this.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
What if you talk about it as a down the road type of thing? Or is he saying no more children EVER? You might ask him point blank "You dont want our child to have a sibling EVER?" and see what he says. Maybe he is just thinking it is too soon. Maybe he will say "in a few years, yes" or something like that and at least it will give the peace of mind that he DOES at least want another child, ykwim? I do not think it is fair of him to not even want to discuss it. You are partners in the marriage arrangement, you should both get a say.<br><br>
Is there any way he will look for a new job? Maybe he is like my dh though who just likes to whine about it and not actually DO ANYTHING about it. Bring home some job ad papers and circle the jobs you think he would like and leave it open......maybe if he sees there are other things out there that he is qualified to do, he will become more positive and TRY to change what is making him unhappy. Hopefully, for your sake, cause its not fair to you.
 

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You have to know his reasoning behind it, if not then ask him point blank "WHY NOT?" He might have some genuine concerns and you have to be open to his point of view just as much as you want him to see yours.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kinsey43</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe you should explain how important it is for you to have the TALK - NOT act on it, just discuss it. I'd also explain how hurtful it is for him to just refuse to discuss it. That's just not cool. Maybe it will help him to understand where you're coming from if you're very clear about not having another rightthisverymoment, but maybe down the road.</div>
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I think this is VERY good advice!!!! Explain to him that you just want to talk and that him saying he wants another child doesn't mean you want to get pregnant that night!!! Explain to him, even if its a letter, that you are hurting because he won't even talk to him about it. Tell him that you feel that he has all of the control on this matter, and you feel out of control as a result. Explain to him that he is not being a fair and equal partner by being the one that decides what you will and will not discuss.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mon!!! I can tell by your post that you are just sick about this. I think counseling is also a good idea....it can't hurt. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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I sure didn't mean anything like you should "shut up and swallow it". ((hugs)) If he can't/ won't discuss it further right now, I hope you'll contact a counselor of some kind since you are suffering emotionally and physically. ((hugs))
 
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