[ajsgirl]

I have an almost 14th month old DS, so I'm looking for some mamas with experience here....<br><br>
Today in our neighborhood we (my DS and I) were hanging out outside with a couple of other moms, one had a 2 yr old and one a 3 year old. They were talking about how demanding toddlers are about getting their way. I am guessing that this is probably natural toddler behavior, testing limits and such. But these moms went on to say that eventually they just give in so that their son/daughter "shuts up". Um, isn't this what perpetuates the demanding behavior? Am I wrong?<br><br>
I don't want my son to be one of those kids that throws a tantrum anytime he doesn't get his way. I am a firm believer in AP, but now that my DS is becoming a toddler, and new challenges are on the horizon, I'm feeling as if I don't know how to continue AP past babe-hood. I want my DS to be a gentle, independent, caring little guy. Maybe this is too broad a question, but how do I take my AP skills to the next level? Can someone suggest a book, perhaps?<br><br>
I have to keep in mind, however, that this was information from mothers who think that cosleeping is a "bad habit". I'm so glad I have this MDC community of forward thinkers.

 

[village idiot]

I highly recommend The Discipline Book by Dr William Sears.

 

[oceanbaby]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">But these moms went on to say that eventually they just give in so that their son/daughter "shuts up".</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree that that is problematic. I have never given in just to shut ds up.<br><br>
I have however, not realized how important something was to him until he all of a sudden exploded, and then I might get him to calm down and talk to me, tell me what he needs, and then give it to him if it is appropriate. I don't see this as giving in to the tantrum necessarily though.<br><br>
Like one time we were leaving my inlaws house, and dh was packing up ds's toys. He grabbed his little golf set and put it in the car. Ds started crying and screaming, because apparently HE wanted to put it away in the car (in the trunk next to daddy's big golf clubs). So I tried to get him to calm down and told him that dh didn't know that he wanted to put them away, but that now that we know he is welcome to do it. Dh got the golf clubs out and let ds put them away. I felt like everyone else was thinking that I was giving in to a tantrum, but I feel like ds was just reacting to what was an upsetting situation to him, and I was trying to respond appropriately. I didn't feel like it was fair to not let him put the clubs away just because he was upset about it.<br><br>
Not to get too off topic, but I remember when I was a teenager one time, and asked to use the car. My dad said no. I didn't throw a fit, but I was sitting on the couch kind of bummed out about it. My dad walked in, saw me sitting there being kind of bummed, and said "I was going to say I changed my mind and you could use the car, but since you have an attitude about it you can't." I've always thought that was so unfair. Why didn't I have a right to be upset about not using the car? I wasn't being rude or mean or yelling or anything, just being upset in an appropriate 16 year old way. I think of that still when I am dealing with ds being upset about something.<br><br>
On the other hand, yesterday we were leaving somewhere, and he was climbing in his carseat (he likes to do this himself), but he was taking his sweet time. I asked him several times to get in his seat so we could go. He kept making one little move and then looking at me. Them moving closer and looking at me again. I said to him finally "Either you get in your seat now, or I'm going to put you in." He kept fooling around, so I picked him up and put him in. He started wailing, but I just strapped him in and drove off - I wasn't angry, I kept talking to him, offering him snacks like I usually do, etc. He eventually got over it. But I felt like I had to draw a line because he was obviously testing to see how far he could go.<br><br>
So for me it is a case by case basis. Someone might call it giving in to a tantrum, I call it trying to be fair and reasonable. But other times ds has to learn that he just can't have/do certain things.

 

[flower365]

My son is 20 mos, and he has started throwing the tantrums when he gets frustrated. However, his tantrums are short, usually less than a minute. His emotions have gotten really extreme and change really quickly. We've been doing AP and I believe it has made this time SO much easier. My two guiding principles: compassion and respect. And now the third, patience. The thing is to STAY CONNECTED - be by your babe's side, look at him when he communicates, let him know you are listening and value his thoughts & feelings. It's so hard to have enough energy to give them all the attention they want at this age - in fact impossible - but the more you can give them the better they feel about life, you, and themself. It's also helpful to have other adults in their life - two hours with a friend babysitting gives me a break and my ds a new audience, which thrills him.<br><br>
Don't worry about the future, just be present in the present. They just get cuter and more amazing!!!!

 

[Greaseball]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I don't want my son to be one of those kids that throws a tantrum anytime he doesn't get his way.</td>
</tr></table></div>
But he probably will...maybe not every time, but you can count on several tantrums, I'm sure. It's not something that only mainstream kids do. Some normal parts of childhood can't be avoided.<br><br>
I try not to give in to demands, but I am a little more lenient when I take into consideration how my toddler might be feeling - if she is really sleepy, I don't expect her to ask for things nicely. If I've forced her to go somewhere she doesn't enjoy, I will do something to make up for it. Or if I've just set too many arbitrary rules because I can, I know I can't expect cooperation.<br><br>
After a demand, I give her a chance to ask nicely. If she doesn't, she doesn't get the thing she was demanding.<br><br>
I think backsliding is normal too. Sometimes dd will seem to no longer have tantrums over a certain thing, like being told it's time to leave a fun place, and then a few months later it will be hard for her again.<br><br>
I don't expect her to be completely tantrum-free for a very long time. There are going to be setbacks. Who knows, maybe by the time she is 5?

 

[mdcanon8765309]

My 28 month old frequently has tantrums when he can't have his way, I just consider it part of the terrible twos, know he's testing his limits, and don't cave in. When he's calmed down I'll try explaining the situation to him (he only screams louder if I do this mid-tantrum) and ask if he understands. He usually says he understands (and I believe he does) but that doesn't change the fact that he wants his way all the time.<br><br>
Frankly, I've found the past 4 months or so to have been especially trying but I'm hoping that will improve now that I'm finishing grad school and can devote more time to the poor boy again!

 

[shelbean91]

I also had to read a book for a class of mine 'Positive Discipline' by Jane Nelson, PhD. I found it to be very informative and useful for all ages. She has several different discipline books out and they seem pretty good.<br><br>
I personally thought Dr Sears was a good book, but a little too 'do this and all will be fine' type of book, like it's not hard at all to make the right decisions. I think anytime you're trying to right by your kids, it will be hard and anyone who says otherwise is pulling your leg. I'm not quite sure how to describe what I mean- it is a really good book with lots of great suggestions.

 

[serenetabbie]

A freind of mine just sent me the book "raising your spirited child". I found that it had lots of useful advice for gentle disipline, not just for a spirited child, but for any child.<br>
It makes me mad that people do things so the kid "shuts up". it is MNSHO that kids know when they are being played down to. It makes rude children, who turn into rude, pushy adults. I do not think you are wrong in the line of thought "this perpetuates bad behavior".<br>
Like Greaseball, I expect my kids to be polite and not demand things. I give them a chance to re-phrase the request. Sometimes I still say no (No you may not have the rest of the chocolate before dinner,- No you may not bath the dog right now, - no you may not run away from me in the store). Ummmm.... and BTW my 5 yo still has the occasional tantrum <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:.<br>
Our ironicly named 3yo DD ~ Serena ~ has a tantrum/fit/freak out about once a day over something.<br>
Your Ap style will grow with you and your child, have no fear <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[slickrockmama]

I also highly recommend The Discipline Book by Sears. We were literally wringing our hands waiting for it in the mail when our 2 yr old was whiny and demanding. Maybe he's not the type, but he's only had a couple of tantrums and is now 3. Your gut is right...we condition them by our response or lack of response. Don't respond with intensity to behavior you don't like!

 

[momadance]

I think tantrums and demands are a rite of passage <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Definately continue what your doing. I believe it's a complete and natural and necessary emotional let go. Now, as far as demanding kids go, if you give chances to ask nicely, and come to expect that, I doubt your Dc will see it as an effective way of getting what they want. A book I would recomend is "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" I'm sorry, but the name of the author slips my mind.<br><br>
Always take time to transition your child into and out of situations as well, get into the habbit now of saying things like, "OK 5 more minutes" and "ok one more time and then we have to...."<br>
It's never to early to let our kids no our next move, and motives, and this alone helps to eliminate tantrums.