[deleria]

I may be a bit premature posting in this forum, as our oldest will only be turning 10 in November. However, I thought this the best place to ask this question, for obvious reasons!

I've read many a thread on MDC and other places about how the poster (and those who replied) felt judged on their parenting choices by family, friends or online acquaintances. The posters have expressed hurt, anger and sometimes questioned their parenting. I've also noticed that a lot of those posters tend to have younger children.

We have a 9 and 3yr old, with a baby on the way. As an AP-style parent from the get-go, I found I was far more defensive and insecure about my choices then than I am now. If someone mentioned that I might be spoiling DS1, I worried about it. When someone brought up how long we were breastfeeding, or co-sleeping, or whatever, I would feel attacked or misunderstood.

Nine years and one (soon to be two) more little ones later, I don't even give their opinions a second thought. I know myself well and I trust my instincts 100%. There are very few things I question about parenting in the first decade (although ask me about the teen years and I'll give you a million worries!). I can say I feel incredibly comfortable in my own skin as a parent, and that this has come with age and experience. Or maybe I've just grown a thicker skin. Or perhaps it's both...

Do we naturally get more confident in our abilities? Do you feel more secure in your parenting choices today, having raised one or more little ones beyond the first few years of life? Or are you just as concerned with what other people think now as you were when your child was a couple of years old?

Also, do you find you're more relaxed when it comes to other people's parenting? While some things are still difficult for me to swallow, there are other things I'm more relaxed about now. I find it easier to make friends, because whether or not somebody breastfed nine years ago isn't all that important to me as it used to be when DS1 was an infant.

Perhaps this is one of those fringe benefits of having older kids

 

[arlecchina]

I am more secure (I have a very articulate 12 year old who, upon discovering I was prenant again, asked me if I was afraid and I said yes, to which he replied well you're a good mother and do fine with me, you dont have to worry)

also what you said re: other parents parenting choices. I dislike much mainstream parenting and I resent the aggravation I get for my choices, but I dont really care what others do. it would be hypocrtical of me, as I dislike being aggravated myself. if I am asked for reasoning or info I am happy to point out sources and hold discussions but that's it.

 

[eowen77]

I have a 10 year old DD and a 4 year old DS...and I expected to be "better" at being a mom with the second one. I don't care what other people say about how I parent {like letting them sleep in my bed on my nights off, "spoiling them, etc} but I feel less adequate at times now. MY DD often tells me I am too easy on her brother...but I don't think that is any truer than when she says I love him more. I actually think I have been stricter with him than I was with her at his age.

There are issues relating to my husband's death that have definitely affected my parenting. I was a single mother for the majority of the time from her birth until my DS was almost 18 months old, so it isn't the suddenly being cast into the single mother role. I suffered severe depression after he passed and kinda let the kids run wild for a year. Then I ended up having a nervous breakdown and had two visits in a behavioral science ward locally before I was able to realize just how low I had gotten. Now I am trying to get myself and our lives back together, and I feel like my parenting is kinda screwy.

I have no idea if that made any sense...or is even what you are looking for...it's late and I should be in bed I guess. I am a better parent in some ways...I don't freak over every little sniffle, or feel like DS has to be attached to my hip all the time...but right now I am going thru a down on myself moment and I see a lot of things I am not as confident about with him as I was with her.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I certainly feel more secure than when I was a new mom, or even when they were 4 and 6, etc. It comes with time I think. I care so much less now if someone starts picking at how we are unschoolers or about how the kids are allowed to swear, etc. I know that they are good people, I know that they are kind, I know that they aren't perfect, and I know that the stuff mainstream society cares about often doesn't register on my radar as important in the least.

Of course this doesn't mean I don't have moments of "What the heck am I doing? Who decided to let me be the mom again??" but on the whole I am pretty confident.

 

[irinam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by eowen77 I don't care what other people say about how I parent {like letting them sleep in my bed on my nights off, "spoiling them, etc} but I feel less adequate at times now. .

Me too! May be because I grew out of the "I know what I am doing" stage now? At times I ask myself "do I really?"

I don't know. Choices that I make with DD are now more concious than intuitive (which they were with DS). I also sometimes find myself overanalyzing a situation, or life in general...

 

[deleria]

Maybe part of the confidence issue some of you are describing comes from one of my least favourite trends to pop up in the last few years: the blatant saturization of parenting advice. Before there were a few books, both good (Sears) and evil (Ezzo)

But now we seem to hear about and read about parenting everywhere - especially online. There are not only a couple of parenting mags, but dozens. There's a wall dedicated to parenting material at any bookstore. There are several loud-mouthed, self-proclaimed experts who spout their advice while people scramble to figure out who makes the most the sense or fits their particular set of beliefs. Then they follow him or her to the letter, telling everyone that their child is so much better off now.

Aerik was born on the cusp of the internet growth spurt. Webpages and such were few and far between in 1996, and parenting sites were mostly non-existant. If I were raising my first child now, I would be nothing short of frazzled!

But Aerik is such an amazing child in every respect, despite our long list of mistakes along the way and a very rough start for him (undiagnosed hearing loss for the first six years of his life), that I don't worry so much about my parenting. Or, rather, what other people think about my parenting. I always try to be a better parent. To raise my voice less, to listen more, etc. But I feel much more confident today. That is, until he hits about 13 and I get terrified all over again

 

[mommy68]

I have an older sister with two teens right now and she has to go through a lot with them concerning peer pressure, things they want to do with their life that her and her husband may not agree with, etc. So I think that while a person might get more secure they really can't get settled in to thinking they are accomplished until the children are grown, married and out of the house. It seems no matter what age the child is under the age of 21 they are always getting in to something that may turn in to an issue for the family. I'm sure that just when your child gets older and you feel like relaxing a bit it just gets worse with them wanting to date, stay out later at night, drive a car, etc. ugh, I dread it. It's so easy while they are preschoolers and elementary aged to tell them what you want them to do and have them listen.

I would think teenagers would be the hardest age of all and so far it has been for quite a few people I know.

 

[nolonger]

I absolutely adore my teenagers and feel confident about many decisions I made, from homebirth to homeschooling. Like Eowen, I am going through some issues that make my path a bit rocky and definitely affect my parenting. I am not very comfortable posting on the Learning at Home forum because I don't feel like I have much in common with most homeschoolers any more, but I love lurking on the baby and childhood boards and it's no big secret that I was TTC #3 back in July and I may try again next month.

I don't get as upset when people criticize my parenting style any more, but there is one exception: now that my kids are so much older and so much more rational, it absolutely DEVASTATES me when they make negative comments or question my motives for wanting children or my ability to care for one more without shortchanging the two I already have.

I used to resent the endless cleaning, cooking, shopping type chores when they were little, but now I enjoy these menial tasks and see them as a way I can still express my love for my kiddos; they already know how to do most of the tasks that go into running a household, so if I still make my fourteen year old son's bed sometimes, it's not because he's a lazy kid and I'm some sort of a martyr, but because I love him, kwim?

I get absolutely no pleasure whatsoever from conversations along the line of, "You have teenagers? Oh, you poor dear! Well, let me tell you, my cousin's neighbor's uncle's friend's hairdresser says that fourteen is the absolutely worst year, so if you can just hang on a little bit longer, it's bound to get better soon!" because I don't hate my kids or have many criticisms about they way they are handling growing up; I just wish that they returned my affection and that I was better able to give them what they need/want to be happy.

 

[MillingNome]

I'd have to say that I ignore most advice now given to me- partly out of stubborness. Mostly though, I parent by instinct, trusting my intuition most of the time. I must say that I didn't pay much attention to advice early on either.

I often think that the preteen and teen board doesn't have as many people on it because maybe we don't need as much input. I have found at this point I know my weaknesses as a mom (should limit their TV more and not enough veggies into the dc) and also my strengths (good at gd'ing and am really bonded/ in love with my kids, I know them well). At this point I doubt much is going to change!

As for other people's parenting, at least personally, I've tried to not judge too harshly. If someone asks me or hints they want to know about something having to do with kids/parenting, I'll let them know what I think. I've learned that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I know some that come close but we're human afterall.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by noordinaryspider I absolutely adore my teenagers

Same here! I really am loving the teen years. What a bad rep this age has?

 

[Alkenny]

I'm more secure in things with my 'tag-along baby' now since I've been through them with my older two, but I think new concerns come up with the older ones that make me more insecure...like when to let go and let them make their own choice and suffer the consequences. Ouch!

 

[sevenkids]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa Same here! I really am loving the teen years. What a bad rep this age has?

Me too, I really like teens! My first 2 are out of the house and on their own, and my second 2 are 14 and 16, but I always loved having teens in the house, and their friends. Teens are so interesting and fun!
We had a few incidents with pushing boundries and making unwise choices, but nothing like the horrors that people describe as teens.

So, I guess since my babies grew up into wonderful, intelligent, responsable and reasonable teens, and the first 2 into well-adjusted happy adults and good parents themselves, I hope it had something to do with my parenting, but I know it has a lot to do with just how awesome my kids are!

 

[hutsonmom]

i am the mother of 4, three teens and one elementary age. all of my teens have their own personality and i know that is their own doing i hope that i helped them determine who they are and where they end up, but all in all i have enjoyed raising them bumps and all and am not looking forward to them moving out. i am more confident with the youngest just because i am more experienced and have already seen and done a lot but i agree that there is no such thing as a perfect parent or if there is i have never met them. i just did what i felt was best for that child at that time and i am sure i made lots of mistakes and will make more before i am through.

 

[smillerhouse]

This is an interesting quesiton. In many ways yes,in some ways it feels like uncharted territory all the time. My kids are 13.5 and 16.I also have a 31 year old. They are awesome in so many ways. I try to focus on their strengths. I have always made non-mainstream type discisions concerning parenting them. I still am. We are still homeschooling. I still attachment parent. I have always been an intuitive parenter. The biggest thing is how close I am to my kids,especially my 16 year old son. Most days I am vey secure in my parenting.I am into love and encouragment and acceptance and focus on strengths and being present and available to them.I agree with the post about spending a lot of time cooking,shopping,chauferring (youngest one-oldest one now drives himself) I try to be tolerant and non-judgmeental of other people's parenting choices.Sallie

 

[sunnysideup]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sevenkids Me too, I really like teens!

Me too. I do think though, that there are people that complain about their kids no matter what their age, and others who see their children as unique individuals--really see and appreciate them all the way along.

I don't know that I am necessarily a more confidant parent. In many ways I think that parenting is like many things--the more you know, the more you realize you don't know

I am more relaxed now. I know not to sweat the small stuff.

 

[marybethorama]

Yes, because most of the hot button issues for me are no longer relavent.

All the kids are potty trained, they are doing well in school, they have reached all their developmental milestones. They are nice kids. The oldest two are past the toddler/preschooler stage. The youngest is still there a little but I forgive him since he goes to full day kindergarten and holds it together for so long.

That is not to say that they may never have problems but that can happen to anyone, no matter what kind of parent they are.

When my kids were younger I was constantly judged for every thing they did even though it was age appropriate.

It seemed to me that when I had babies and toddlers, I was blamed for every possible thing.

 

[j924]

In a sense I became more secure in parenting as my oldest grew, but I think the security came from having multiple kids. I had seen her progress through stages and come through looking very different from the wild uncontrolled child that all my critics thought I would have because of my discipline tactics. So when her sisters and brother went through the same issues I was more secure that this would pass and that made it easier. It also made me look as though I had all the confidence in the world. Almost like a self fufilling prophecy. Jumping into the teen preteen stages however seems like an abyss to me. It's a great unknown for me and that on one hand is wonderfully exciting but on the other very scary.

 

[oldgirlnewtricks]

I don't know that I've changed much in regards to confidence in parenting. My kids range from 6-22. Life is just easier because we don't live hand to mouth like I did when I had my first. It's really more all of the other stuff, just the becoming more mature as a woman. Being 50 is much more relaxing than being 25, in my opinion.

I've always had the standard line of, "Thank you for your opinion. I'm very comfortable with my parenting decisions." And really, I've never seen anyone else's kids who turned out so great that I said to myself I want to do exactly what they do.

I never made an intellectual choice for AP. It just made sense to me to keep a nursing baby in bed with me so I could sleep. Being a 1950s baby myself, my mom was sure I would roll over on him. She was sure I would starve him if I didn't weigh him before and after every nursing. I used cloth diapers because I was broke. I'm mean boil them on the stove broke. And when you're broke, you are not wasteful!

I just find it so much easier as they get older. I know many find the teen years rough, but I like the emotional pull much better than the physical demands of having infants/toddlers. We are big on independent skills and I seem to do things very differently like having the kids do their own laundry at 10, they are responsible for their own homework and activities, etc. They all seem to have tons of common sense and I feel like they will have the skills to be great adults. They function better than most of the adults I know.

Gloria

 

[yaM yaM]

I have grown greatly more serene since day one of my motherhood, yes. Especially since my eclectic parenting choices have always greatly clashed with many aspects of my upbringing, it took me a while to feel comfortable in this previously (to me) uncharted territory.

I am so much more relaxed and even bolder as a mama after all the knowledge I've gained from my experience.

I think that, to varying degrees, it is common and normal for motherhood to be daunting in the early years.

A lot of my growing peace is due to confidence in my choices based on evidence in the form of fruits of my labors

and my resulting boundary-setting. I am no longer in need of validation from outside of me that I'm doing things the right way for me.

In fact, when I realized that I EVER looked outside of me for answers as to what is right for me and my family - well, I just had to laugh at myself. With compassion, of course.

 

[jeanieloz]

I have bouts of confidence.
More confidence with the younger boys, I know that what is an issue now will pass.
but I worry with the older boys, am I doing this right, how should I react to that. Just more tricks up their sleeves as teens than when they were little.
But I agree with pp that we are so inundated with parenting advice that it comprimises our natural parenting instinct.
With my first two children I had never read a parenting book, nor did I know anything about ap. But I did know that breastfeeding was important, my instinct told me that crying wasn't a good thing, and sleeping with the baby was ok, and frugality senses assured that I used cloth diapers.
Now when I come up against any comments or suggestions I just reply that I had done the same with my older boys and they seem to have turned out all right. Those who have met my older boys always comment on how nice they are. So I think all is ok!
Donna