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Discussion Starter #1
I searched back about 15 pages and didn't see anything of this nature, so here goes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
My parents are the reason I never wanted to have children. My mother lies about everything, pops pain pills for ailments she doesn't have, smokes marijuana for a heart condition she doesn't have, and always puts herself first. She lies about arguments she has with people, things she's done during the day... little things that don't even matter. Growing up I was embarrassed to invite friends over because I never knew what she would say to them. In the past she had told boyfriends that I was cheating on them (I wasn't), that I was actually a lesbian (I'm not), that I had cancer as a child (I didn't), etc... I figured once I moved out things would get better. They didn't. When she was in the hospital having yet another exploratory surgery (the way she gets her pain pills), my daughter was seriously ill. I had to stay home to take care of her. My mother was furious that I put the needs of my daughter before her, and convinced a friend to call my house and leave a message saying my mother had died. That's the kind of person she is. I can't tell people about this in real life because I'm so embarrassed by it. When I first told my boyfriend how she is, he said it didn't make any sense. Of course, now that he's gotten to know her he understands how she is, but trying to explain it to someone new is difficult.<br><br>
My father was convinced that the apple couldn't fall far from the tree. He treated me horribly because I was my "mother's daughter". I couldn't take problems or concerns to him because he was certain that a child of my mother's would be incapable of telling the truth. An example was when I needed new glasses in elementary school. I had gotten glasses the year before and he said I was exaggerating when I couldn't see the blackboard in school. My teacher had to step in before I was able to go get new glasses, which the optometrist said I desperately needed. Then my father was angry at me for making him look bad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> We've now been estranged for 8 years. He's never seen his granddaughter.<br><br>
I swore I would never become a parent because I had no role models on how to do it correctly. Even now that I am a mama, I read parenting books and boards constantly, trying to convince myself that I'm not totally botching it. I have a very hard time trusting my instincts because of how I was raised.<br><br>
I still mourn the fact that my daughter won't have loving grandparents (My boyfriend's parents were physically abusive, so she doesn't see them either, and he and I are both only children, so it's just us). She asks about "Grandma" all the time and it breaks my heart. I don't want her around my mother. I don't want her to be hurt by her Grandma's lies the way I was growing up.<br><br>
I hear other mamas talk about how great their parents are and I feel totally alone. Am I?
 

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I'm subbing.. don't have time to post my story but yeah, I have toxic parents. It's really hard when you're having babies and like you said, mourning that they are not going to have loving grandparents... My parents projected their own "badness" onto me, convincned themselves that I was as awful as they are and were. I have no idea how I turned out to be such a "good" person with that negativity and abuse pushed onto me my whole life but I certainly learned from it. I can say I'm grateful in that I am CONSTANTLY aware of my parenting and have learned so many lessons because I never want to make my kids feel the way I felt. And just a quick DAMN it is awful when your family is convinced you are a liar when you're actually honest to a fault..being told that over and over and over and having that told to other people feels so unjust, somehow even moreso than when you are being physically hurt. At least for me.
 

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My mother is very toxic and my father has his moments also. I think being there grown daughter is one of THE hardest things I am doing right now. But I don't let it get me down. Instead, I focus on how to be the best "me" that I can and don't play their games (anymore).<br><br>
Hope you can get the support you need to fluorish and that you can also start to heal from what sounds like a very traumatic experience.<br><br>
Hugs,<br>
Stacy
 

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Discussion Starter #5
The worst part of it all is my parents always acted like *I* was the messed-up one. That still affects me even though I've tried for 10 years to let it go. Does it ever get easier?<br><br>
My boyfriend kind of laughed when I first mentioned that I didn't know how to parent because of my upbringing. He said, "Well, at least we know how NOT to parent, which is just as important." I keep repeating those words when I'm at my wits end. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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You're not alone. I would describe some of my family members as an itsy bit toxic, some as semi-toxic, and some as so thoroughly toxic there aren't sufficient words to describe their toxicity. I choose not to have any contact with the super-toxic ones, which I highly recommend.<br><br>
P.S. kytheria- your blog rocks! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I feel bad saying it, but honestly I'm relieved that I don't have a daughter because I'm afraid I would just abuse her or something, and treat her like my mom treated me because I wouldn't know how else to act toward her. Isn't that just sick? Okay my mom never pretended to be dead, that's really extreme manipulation - but I can identify with the OP a little, that it is so hard to explain to people how my mom is, but once they experience her they understand. DH totally understands now. She's just, I don't know, SO SELFISH to the point that no one else even has needs as far as she is concerned, EVERYTHING is about her and how she feels at the moment, I think that is the basis for every wierd thing she does.
 

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*sigh* I belong here too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
It would be so wonderful to have parents I could rely on, trust and enjoy spending time with!!! *sigh* Instead I have to always be on guard around my mother. I haven't seen my father for years which is a good thing. Although sometimes I wonder if/when he'll just show up again...<br><br>
All my life I wished for a happy secure and loving family. Toxic parents suck!!!!!
 

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Hello!<br><br>
My dad is toxic - my mom is surprisingly healthy considering 25 years of living with him!<br><br>
He is a verbally abusive alcoholic and gambling addict who is living in his mother's home. At 55. When I was pg, he actually told me that he couldn't stand to see me pg because his friend's gf lost her baby. This is just one in a long string of excuses why he breaks plans and refuses to get together. Two christmases in a row, he broke plans at the last minute, when DH and I were in his town, 30 minutes from home, after we had inconvenienced ourselves to go there.<br><br>
I have cut off ties with him - after 2 years of watching him backslide and become more and more abusive, I decided that I Didn't want DD to be around him. And I feel so much better for having decided that!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amydawnsmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7990033"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">*sigh* I belong here too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
It would be so wonderful to have parents I could rely on, trust and enjoy spending time with!!! *sigh* Instead I have to always be on guard around my mother.</div>
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I can totally relate. I don't tell my mother anything of significance. She just goes off the deep end and she is extremely intrusive. I learned as a teenager in my first serious relationship not to tell my mother anything personal. I have friends with really cool moms who they can tell anything too and talk about anything in front of. Not me.<br>
I have been doing some personal work on this recently. My parents just visited a month or so ago and it was an awful visit. I am still recovering. I came to terms with the fact that my mother is a difficult person and just to let her be who she is a long time ago. Dr. Christane Northrups PBS program on The Mother Daughter Legacy is excellent. One of the things she talks about is if your mother is difficult one of your jobs in life is to find surrogates. My mother has always been too caught up in her own drama to be accessible to me. She did not provide guidance about being a woman in this world in anyway. Interestingly enough my mother was not a bad "mother" she treats me and my brother fairly well, but she is so totally abusive towards my father and he enables it, that it is very stressful to be around. I do not allow my kids to be exposed to it too often. We just don't treat each other like that in our home. After they left we smudged!!<br>
A few more thoughts on having toxic parents... some parents are present in our lives only to offer something to push against. Some parents teach us the lesson of letting them be and letting go.<br>
I am struggling right now with trying to reconcile two things---my parents are very difficult to take for any length of time and the fact that they will be gone someday. Will I feel bad I didn't do more to change things?
 

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Present and accounted for. I am also a member of this tribe.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Rainbow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rainbow peace">
 

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Discussion Starter #14
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>moondoula</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8028205"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">A few more thoughts on having toxic parents... some parents are present in our lives only to offer something to push against. Some parents teach us the lesson of letting them be and letting go.</div>
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I like this.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>moondoula</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8028205"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am struggling right now with trying to reconcile two things---my parents are very difficult to take for any length of time and the fact that they will be gone someday. Will I feel bad I didn't do more to change things?</div>
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I'm dealing with this now, part of the reason I started this thread. I found out last summer that my father is dying, and in December got pulled back between my parents in a legal issue pertaining to some property they had owned. Everything snowballed, as it always does when they're involved. I'm trying very hard to pull myself out from underneath it all. I still haven't spoken to my father, only his lawyer. I would contact him again, mainly because I don't want to regret it after he's gone, but my aunt told me last summer that he still doesn't want to speak to me. I'm having a hard time with it right now. All the feelings that I thought I had resolved have come back full force, and I'm reeling from it.<br><br>
I think I'm just angry right now. I feel cheated, and I'm furious about it. I'm angry that he doesn't want to talk to me, angry that there's a little girl inside me who's spent years crying over this, angry that he never once looked at me and saw *me*.<br><br>
It's probably a good thing he doesn't want to talk to me. He wouldn't like what I'd have to say to him.
 

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My father is extremely toxic, he's in prison as of 2001 and I feel they are being too nice to him. He's got 37yrs because we let him plea bargain to keep my baby sis (same dad, different mom) out of the court room. No, you are definitily not alone.<br><br>
My mom is amazing tho<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kytheria</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8030073"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I like this.<br><br>
I'm dealing with this now, part of the reason I started this thread. I found out last summer that my father is dying, and in December got pulled back between my parents in a legal issue pertaining to some property they had owned. Everything snowballed, as it always does when they're involved. I'm trying very hard to pull myself out from underneath it all. I still haven't spoken to my father, only his lawyer. I would contact him again, mainly because I don't want to regret it after he's gone, but my aunt told me last summer that he still doesn't want to speak to me. I'm having a hard time with it right now. All the feelings that I thought I had resolved have come back full force, and I'm reeling from it.<br><br>
I think I'm just angry right now. I feel cheated, and I'm furious about it. I'm angry that he doesn't want to talk to me, angry that there's a little girl inside me who's spent years crying over this, angry that he never once looked at me and saw *me*.<br><br>
It's probably a good thing he doesn't want to talk to me. He wouldn't like what I'd have to say to him.</div>
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What an awfully painful and emotionally charged situation! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Have you tried using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)?<br>
It's VERY simple to use and the results are great!<br><br>
You can get FREE information on how to use the technique at this site <a href="http://www.emofree.com/" target="_blank">http://www.emofree.com/</a><br><br>
It's been really great for me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Keep in mind that once you start to work through issues more issues may come up. Try it out and see what you think. If you're not comfortable doing EFT on your own there are professionals who practice EFT and can help you work through the issues.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kytheria</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7931227"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I swore I would never become a parent because I had no role models on how to do it correctly. Even now that I am a mama, I read parenting books and boards constantly, trying to convince myself that I'm not totally botching it. I have a very hard time trusting my instincts because of how I was raised.<br><br>
I still mourn the fact that my daughter won't have loving grandparents (My boyfriend's parents were physically abusive, so she doesn't see them either, and he and I are both only children, so it's just us). She asks about "Grandma" all the time and it breaks my heart. I don't want her around my mother. I don't want her to be hurt by her Grandma's lies the way I was growing up.<br><br>
I hear other mamas talk about how great their parents are and I feel totally alone. Am I?</div>
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no you are most definitely <i>not</i> alone!<br><br>
i, too, had toxic parents (alcoholic absentee mother/self absorbed father who felt i could raise myself from the age of about 5) and i can completely relate to what you said about being afraid to be a parent, then being worried you aren't doing it "right" now that you are one-i am constantly reading/hoping/praying i'm doing right by my kids because i have absolutely no map to go on (unless i look at my parents as examples of "what NOT to do"!)<br><br>
i also feel bad for my kids since they do not have grandparents on my side (not *real* ones anyway-my mom never pays any attention to them, and when my dad comes around all he talks about is himself..) they have gp's on my dh side, but they are kind of crazy in their own right (whole other story!) so yeah, i think they really got ripped off in the grandparent department.<br><br>
just wanted you to know that i'm here with you on this, too.<br><br>
~danielle
 

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I belong here. My mother is mentally ill, but she doesn't realize it. Some of the things she's done:<br><ul><li>Claimed my father was in the hospital dying (when he wasn't) and said it was all my fault</li>
<li>Told everybody I tried to hire a hitman to kill her and my father (I didn't)</li>
<li>Physically and emotionally abused me for years</li>
<li>She constantly starts arguments with neighbors and family, causing me to be isolated</li>
<li>She attempted to kidnap my children</li>
<li>She gave one of my children a black eye and tried to blame it on me</li>
<li>She bribed/blackmailed my ex husband</li>
<li>Hid the fact that I'd invited her, my dad, and my brothers to my wedding, never showed up, then called my new MIL to scream "WHY WASN'T I INVITED?!!!!" not realizing my MIL had been present during my many phone conversations with my mother about the wedding.</li>
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It got to the point where I decided to give myself up. Like some mothers give their children up for adoption so they may live a better life, I gave myself up so I may live a better life.<br><br>
My father just seems so lifeless. He's had to put up with her for so long, he's deflated. He was abusive for years, too, but he got medicated. That's created for a zombie like effect in him. He doesn't have anything to do with me because my mother tells him not to talk to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>a_work_in_progress</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8042052"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I belong here. My mother is mentally ill, but she doesn't realize it. Some of the things she's done:<br><ul><li>Claimed my father was in the hospital dying (when he wasn't) and said it was all my fault</li>
<li>Told everybody I tried to hire a hitman to kill her and my father (I didn't)</li>
<li>Physically and emotionally abused me for years</li>
<li>She constantly starts arguments with neighbors and family, causing me to be isolated</li>
<li>She attempted to kidnap my children</li>
<li>She gave one of my children a black eye and tried to blame it on me</li>
<li>She bribed/blackmailed my ex husband</li>
<li>Hid the fact that I'd invited her, my dad, and my brothers to my wedding, never showed up, then called my new MIL to scream "WHY WASN'T I INVITED?!!!!" not realizing my MIL had been present during my many phone conversations with my mother about the wedding.</li>
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Wow... some of this stuff sound remarkably close to my mother. The thought had crossed my mind that it may be a mental illness, I'd even looked online to see if I could find anything that sounded close but I didn't find anything. It's weird because she actually seems like she believes her own lies, like she repeats them so often that it becomes her reality. (Either that, or she's a far better actress than anyone in Hollywood.)<br><br>
Since she refuses to talk to a doctor, I have no way of knowing if she's really mentally ill or not, or what illness it could be.<br><br>
Regarding your mother trying to take your kids.... that send a chill down my spine. The thought has crossed my mind that my mother might try something like that and it terrifies me.... I don't blame you one bit for cutting her out of your life. I'm so sorry you had to deal with something like that.<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amydawnsmommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8041615"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Have you tried using the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)?<br>
It's VERY simple to use and the results are great!</div>
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I've never heard of this before; I'm heading over to check it out right now. Thanks!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kytheria</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8047709"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's weird because she actually seems like she believes her own lies, like she repeats them so often that it becomes her reality. (Either that, or she's a far better actress than anyone in Hollywood.)</div>
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OMG!!! That is my mother! She makes up these crazy lies, tells everybody, and seems to actually believe the lies she makes up! She spins off of reality into her own crazy realm.<br><br>
For example: A neighbor boy crashed a car he was driving. Simple as that. My mother turned it into He stole a car, crashed it, was ejected through the windshield, and was brain dead. Funny... that guy's perfectly normal walking around now. Amazing recovery for somebody who was brain dead.<br><br>
I never know what to believe with her. I've made a fool of myself several times believing her lies. I can't do it anymore. I won't do it anymore. I'm happy I have nothing to do with her.
 
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