[l_olive]

OK, so I seem to have the opposite problem from many of you.

I have a 3.5 year old ds who takes FOREVER to eat a meal. It's 9:35am my time, and he's been eating his breakfast since we got up at 8:15. And he's just about half done.

Last night's dinner lasted from 7:20 to 8:40. He doesn't eat a lot, just slowly. And he's not overweight -- 29.5 lbs is all.

I need ideas. I've never wanted to make eating a big deal, but I'm going insane on spending four or more hours a day to get him to finish his three meals a day.

I'm not comfortable taking food away from him while he still says he wants to eat. And it feels pretty disrespectful to just have his dad and I get up and leave him at the table to go off and do other things. My mom, of course, wants me to set a time for 30 minutes, and whatever isn't eaten by that time gets thrown away. That sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, so that's not gonna happen.

Anybody have any ideas? I really need some help seeing what's really going on here. Is there an underlying need at play here? How long "should" meals really last anyway? I'm really stumped, but I can't take this anymore.

HELP!

--Olive

 

[captain crunchy]

The thing that stands out for me is you said you feel disrespectful just leaving him there to eat after a reasonable time has passed and he is not finished. Does your son feel disrespected? I mean, based on all the cues he can give -- upset, asking you to stay, crying etc.... because if it were me, and he was fine with it and didn't feel badly or *left alone* or whatever, then I would just have an open discussion with him about it (with respect to his verbal ability/understanding/development.) Letting him know he can take as long as he needs/wants and you will be available if he needs you but you are going to do ___ while he eats.

"I see you are still working on your breakfast, I'm going to wash up these dishes/sweep the floor/work on ____ (whatever), let me know if you need anything honey!"

Maybe you can find things to do in the general area of him eating -- write some bills/clean up/read/call a friend etc... so you are still visible and available if he needs something, but free to do other things.

I don't think it is disrespectful unless your son gets upset and wants you to stay right.next.to.him. at the table. If that is the case, if you are agreeable, can he eat in another area closer to where you can do your thing too? Are there things you can do with him which are enjoyable/productive to you/help the time go faster like the above mentioned things (reading/calling a friend etc)

Is he actually eating the whole time or stopping for a while and eating again ... does he really understand that food will always be available if he is hungry -- I am not saying you haven't conveyed that, but maybe he didn't get it, or doesn't feel sure or something. Is he seeking connection with you? I am not saying you don't connect with your son, please don't misunderstand -- but I wonder if he knows this is one on one undivided attention and is seeking that in other ways (I am probably wrong, just throwing it out there)...

I think you are wise not to do the timer thing, I would imagine it would backfire right in everyone's face (as you mentioned).

Good luck I hope other wise mamas have solutions

 

[hypatia]

I would try to find out why he's staying so long at the table. Does he like to sit at his seat because from there he has a great view of all the birds that come to the bird feeder? Is he pretending he's a king sitting on his throne? Or a fire fighter? Does he like to sit at the table at non-meal times to draw? My guess is he's not just sitting there to eat -- he's facilitating some other need by sitting at the table for so long. When you know why he likes to be at the table, you will know better what to do.

Is it possible that he's being slowed down in his eating by some sort of physical problem, like a sore tooth or reflux?

 

[ameliabedelia]

I don't think it's disrespectful at all to get up and leave him to finish eating himself. It would be disrespectful to wolf your food down and jump up after 5 minutes, but I think if you sit down and eat at a reasonable pace and get up after a reasonable time, it is fine to leave him there to finish alone. It is actually not reasonable for you to spend over an hour at a meal (assuming a simple breakfast or something, not a 5 course meal)/.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

I think if he feels fine sitting at the table while you are nearby doing whatever, but not right with him, it should be fine to leave him there to eat. Just let him know that he can get down when he is ready.

 

[meemee]

yup i have that problem. and guess what i was like that too. i still am the slowest eater i know. as an adult it is easy for me - like in social situations i dont eat as i would normally like to eat - so forget seconds.

its just my dd and me. and i work fulltime. so what i do is i feed my child. she is so lost in imaginary play that she takes time eating.

but i dont protest too much because i see she really chews on her food instead of just swallowing it.

if i have the time i let her take her time. and since we eat in the kitchen i just do my chores and chat with her as she eats. sometimes i bring my book and read while she finishes eating. somedays she climbs on my lap and wants me to feed her.

it works for me.

but one thing i know is that if i expect her to eat fast i know it means she will not eat as much as she can eat.

 

[annekevdbroek]

My son sometimes does this. At his preschool they limit lunch time to 30 minutes. When I pick him up at 3:00 he eats the rest of his lunch as soon as he gets in the car. At his old school he used to fall asleep at the lunch table while all the other children were napping - 90+ minutes into lunch time he's still say he was eating (s-l-o-w-l-y). For our slow breakfasts I just let him eat at a little table in the family room or I stay at the dining table but read a newspaper or magazine when we aren't talking. That way I can clean up, pop into the hall bath for a shower, etc. He seems to do fine with that. He is rarely interested in dinner (maybe from eating his lunch at 3:00) so dilly-dallying at that time isn't an issue.

He is 3.25 and only 29# too.