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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm always hearing married women complain about there DH's and dont understand how thay can put up with a lot of there behavior. It seems to be way more work to be married then single becasue it seems that the DH's are often just another kid to take care of (even though he usually brings in an income). I just dont see me ever getting married, long term relationship yes, married, heck no! Doesn't seem worth it. What do you think?
 

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I guess I would have to ask why you want us to prove marrage is good when you already think its bad?<br><br>
Like everything in this world you have to work at what you want and work hard. Nothing is easy not even marrage. It takes devotion and respect. And lots of communication.<br><br>
I too see lots of complaints about husbands and it pains me in the sence that it is to easy to talk about the negitive of a person. Why not talk about the positive and dwell on that more<br><br>
Ugh its passed my bedtime and the baby wants to nurse.<br><br>
hope to see more responses.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm not asking you to prove anything, just wondering what the opinions of the other single parents are. I'm sure i'm not the only one who doesn't feel marriage is for me.
 

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I don't really believe in the "marriage" part -- but I do believe that a long term, committed relationship is really worth it.<br><br>
My parents had their ups & downs, they had issues & fights, but they had love & support and a lot of really amazing things. My father just passed away this year & I know my mom believes it was all worth it.....every bad thing outweighs all the good.<br><br>
I believe that a relationship involves effort -- everything does. I put a lot of effort into the relationship with my kids so I would expect I'd have to with a significant other as well. I have days when I complain about my kids......but overall, I get more joy & love & so many other benefits, that it's so worth it. I would think I'd have moments of difficulty with a partner too, but I also believe that the benefits will far surpass the struggles.<br><br>
I don't know that I would ever get "married". I would however, stay in a committed relationship for life. I just don't need the paper anymore to prove that I'm committed.
 

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I would marry. Most important to me is a satisfying, equal PARTNERSHIP, not just a relationship, married or not. I really want someone who can share, mentally & physically, the journey through life...<br><br>
Despite a few failed attempts, I'm still a romantic I guess.<br><br><i>Edited to clarify - the failed attempts were at relationships, I haven't been married before.</i>
 

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I was married at 18, a mother at 19 and widowed at 21.<br><br>
While I was bringing up my ds, I dated, had long term relationships that failed. I was convinced that it was better to raise my ds on my own, wo getting married. Though it would have been great to meet someone special and have a father for my ds and someone to help me.....I just never met anyone that special. I finally did when my ds was 15 and we married when he was 18 and out of the house.<br><br>
For me, being a single parent and trying to have a relationship was REALLY hard. I just dont think I was ready for the commitment and the work it takes to sustain that, and find someone who would also be a great father. I wish I wouldve met my dh when my ds was younger, bc hes an amazing father. But for me, it was SOOO much easier to raise my ds on my own. Dating the worthless men I did during that time was hard enough!!LOL<br><br>
If my current marriage would end for whatever reason, I wouldnt marry again.
 

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so are the opinions of married ppl not welcome?<br><br>
I'm not being sarcastic or anything, i have a lot to offer here, and I just wanted to know. But it's ok if you don't want my POV <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I think it is very personal, and depends where you are at, who you are with, what your belief systems are and I am sure many other factors, including sometimes economic I am sure. I did not marry until 40 and am very happy I met the person *I* finally wanted to marry.<br><br>
Someone once told me if you have any doubts it is not right, and I followed my own intuition on that.<br><br>
Anyhow for me marriage has so far been wonderful, and am very glad I finally took the plunge! For me when I met the person I felt was right I wanted that commitment of our love. That is what it meant for me, but everyone is different and it means something different to them, and only they can decide.<br><br>
Destinye
 

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I think I feel the same way as you Destinye,<br><br>
but being single, raising children and looking for a new partner was hard for me. For me, it was easier to wait till my ds was older. BUT, if I had met someone THAT special, I think I definetly would have gotten married. Maybe bc the few times I dated someone with kids, it was really difficult to manage kids/relationship/ex's, etc. The rest of the guys who didnt have kids that I dated, werent mature enough or didnt want to be a father to my ds.<br><br>
Marriage IS worth it, if both are committed, love eachother, are mature and willing to work at issues that come up. Definetly!
 

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Hi Rainsmom,<br><br>
I am sure it is much more complicated when you are raising kids and I think there is always a time and place for everything. I am glad I waited to marry, and waited for the right person, and was busy travelling the world and enjoying my career in the meantime. I am sure everyone has there path to follow too. I certainly was not expecting at the age of 40 to meet the man of my dreams, become a step mother to 4 kids and then be expecting twins! The Universe sometimes has a way of suprising us! And I sure had to kiss a lot of frogs on the way!<br><br>
Destinye<br><br>
PS I am landlocked in the Pacific NW! Where IS that ocean!?!
 

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Well, I was married for ten years. Sometimes the marriage was good, sometimes not so good. It always involved compromise and negotiation, which can be a drag and interfere with living free. Marriage is much less vital for women now. It is primarily an economic arrangement. Many women are not financially able to raise children on their own, but many of us are. I have friends and a lover, and I don't feel the absence of a mate very intensely because I don't need someone to provide what a mate provides. At this point in my life (age 36) I am doubtful that I will remarry soon. I am focused on raising my child, and caring for my little family. I am also very leery of a step-parent situation, and don't want to expose my child to that. So, since this thread is about soliciting opinions, I will weigh in that my opinion is that marriage is not desirable, or necessary, for many of us. To each his own.
 

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It has been almost a year that I ended my marriage of 11 years. We married because I was pregnant.. and that is absolutely the wrong reason to marry anyone.. I went through 11 years of physical and verbal abuse..he had an alcohol problem that he would not seek help for.. I gave up my job to be home with my son,and then I felt I had to stay. We went on to have two more children , all who have been through a rollercoaster of a childhood. Now that I finally got the courage to end the marriage, I am a better mother, I am more at peace and happier than I have been in my life. I met someone just after I ended the marriage, and NOW I really understand what the vows I took really mean, and to say them to him would not be simply doing lipservice to them. Both of us got married for the same reason the first time.. this next time we will marry because we found the mate we want to go through time with. I don't need a piece of paper to prove my committment to him, and vice versa, but we want so much to say those words and MEAN them this time, and have those we love the most share in our happiness. wheeew!!<br>
Guess that means I think marriage is worth it.. but only when your heart tells you that you have found your soulmate.. and believe me YOU'LL KNOW.. you will. It is not like anything you have ever been through before..my next advice is.. make sure they are your best friend.. he is my best friend on earth, and that makes all the difference in the world..<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Firstly, marriage is totally, completely, absolutely, 100% woth it IF it is with the right person. I was a single parent for a long time, and I was a single parent while the other parent boarded in our home for a long time. It was awful. We weren't married, but we had made an emotional commitment (yeah right!).<br><br>
Fast forward - I met, discovered love with, and married the right man for me. We got married because it was the right thing for us. I had sworn for years and years that I never would because it was a holdover of legalised slavery for women and the very institution of marriage suppressed us. My husband had sworn never to marry again because women were manipulative and emotionally unstable.<br><br>
Any relationship, with or without the government form, can be good or bad. It all depends on the people involved. For me, marriage has come to mean many things, but among them is a public and private declaration of love and commitment and a partnership where I have someone to turn to when I need support.<br><br>
And..... even though I can do it perfectly well myself, I have someone else to change the oil in the car, plungerize the toilet, and kill bugs.<br><br>
The real problem with marriage is that I may have already snagged the last good man. If I find another one someday, I'll let you know.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I have been a single mom, and I am now married. My DH and I married when my dd was 7, 2 years ago. it has been incredibly difficult. It is so hard to have to answer to someone when you are used to doing things your own way. It is hard to see someone discipline your child, especially when it is different from how you discipline. For us, it has been a real struggle.<br>
I am not sure I would do it again. The financial support is a great plus of remarrying. It is also great having DH for support, but we have (so far) not become true partners. We almost divorced within the first year. We have gone to counseling, and it helped a lot, but we're not quite there yet.<br>
I think it must be great for some people, but for me it is a real challenge. Maybe I'm not the marrying kind <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes">:<br>
I hope that things will be better the longer we are together.
 

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This is a great topic! I am so torn between the two "evils" and I often struggle with this question. Getting dd emotionally involved with someone who may or may not be good for us is the chief reason why I am afraid to even date someone let alone marry them! All this talk about finding the "right" man jst seems like mythology to me. Every guy I have ever met - except one who is now married to someone else - is emotionally childish and just adds to the burden in the home - aside from maybe bringing home a few bukcs to put toward rent.<br><br>
Becca -totally curious, honestly - do you think you got married for the "stability" and financial relief of it or were you really *in love* (not just fond of him) and thinking he really was the right man when you married?
 

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i didn't read all the responses bu t...<br><br>
i was a single mama frm the time dd was 3mos old till she was 5 1/2. Then i met my now dh, we lived together 3 1/2 years and then got married. We've been married five years next month and have since had two more children togther (ages 3 and 3 months)<br><br>
for me being single was HARD work. It was hard getting up every morning and taking my beautiful daughter to day care while i went to work which in and of itself was hard. I would pick her up racing to the daycare after work, missing her so much but i was exhausted. I'd get us home, unload the car and start dinner. Trying to spend quality time with her in the 3.5 hours i had before bed (we got home at 5pm and she'd go to bed at 8:30).<br>
It was exhausting cleaning the house alone, doing all the parenting alone (emotionally and physically), making all the decisions alone. It was hard work. There were things I liked because my first marriage was so bad. I liked the freedom to make good decisions. I liked not having drugs and alchohol in my life. I liked dating honestly. I had fun being in charge of my own life. I "did" the single mama thing well. All my friends and family were so impressed at how i had it all togehter. I had a great job, nice car, great condo, great friends... it was a nice life. I didn't need a man/partner/husband. Me and my kiddo were doing great all on our own.<br><br>
Then i met Tom. lol<br>
There wasn't a second after i met him that i didn't think i was going to be with him for the rest of my life. I just knew. He was this amazing package. Not perfect by any means, with a wild history - but we both knew . He became my best friend within a week or two. We enjoyed the same things, thought along the same lines and laughed constantly.<br><br>
There was no loss of control or loss of freedom, only a whole lot more time, energy and fun. I have someone who is my best friend to talk to, laugh with and even argue with. He helps around the house (the man can mop, vaccuum and clean a mean stove) and i save a ton of money on mechanic, plumbing and handyman bills since he's good at that stuff. He helps me make good decisions and even calls me on my crap when i become a control freak. He parents. and he parents well. He gives me a break when I need it (physically and emotionally). He gives great foot rubs, is an amazing cook and honestly the sex is awesome (well, i'm 10wks postpartum so its not awesome at the moment, but it was and will be again lol). And i help him. i help him have the time to pursue his art. And according to him - i've given him the best life a man could ask for - a beautiful home and family. he loves being a father.<br><br>
i think marriage is a wonderful spiritual thing - if you truly love and are in love with your partner. and if you work together and not against each other. It is work. But its not hard work. I mean, its hard for me to remember that the fact that he can hold his 3 year old at 2am without a second thought if she has a bad dream or an accident is much more important then the fact that sometimes he leaves his chin hairs in the sink after shaving!! To remember that the guy who dances with me in the kitchen while our 14 year old tells us to "get a room" , the 3 year old is running around naked and the 3 mo old has just peed on himself and all heck is breaking loose... well, that thats much more important then his dirty socks on the floor or the half finished fence or ...well.. you get it.<br><br>
I am currently reading "the power of a praying wife" and i do pray for him. For his relationships, his work... i pray for us as a couple. And i actively work on my marriage. so does he. Oh, and i'm also reading "the five love languages" which is helping me understand some of his weirdo behaviors that can be annoying. and..um... my weirdo behaviors that he finds annyoing too.<br><br>
my daughter was almost 6 when we met Tom and she loved him from the first (great judge of character). He is her daddy and they have a relationship that is amazing. I know that there were good things about being a single parent. But for the most part I was lonely and tired and it was a struggle and i was always on edge bout how to make it.<br>
now i'm married. i'm a sahm so i'm home with my kids, something i never thought i'd have. I LOVE this. I'll go back to work when the kids are older, but this is a life i only dreamed possible. We have not a pot to piss in (im' serious) and are racking up debt, but dh works his butt off and tells me that he's grateful to ME for being home raising our kids and that we both remember whats important.<br><br>
We're in this together. I'm not alone in my financial stress. I'm not alone in my decisions - we talk, we debate, we research we read. WE make decisions. i love that. i love having a partner to walk thru this life with who i trust and who trusts me. He's just a good person. I like being with him.<br><br>
i like being his wife. I'm glad he is my husband. I love knowing my marriage is great and will always be because it is the highest priority to both of us. We care for, take care of and support each other thru all of it. And i'm grateful to G-d for helping me find him. To me, i value the vows we took. We made promises to each other at our wedding - in front of our family, our friends and our Lord. The rings we wear... well... they're a symbol of what we've c hosen to create together.<br><br>
wow. rambling eh? I'm happy to be married.<br>
sheesh. i just shoudlve said that in the first place. woulda been a shorter post. lol
 

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oatmeal-<br>
I was "really in love" with him, we dated for several years before marrying, but I was somewhat naive about the realities of being married. I was mistakenly taken in by the "love conquers all" way of thinking, I didn't really stop to think of the reality of the situation. There are so many issues we should have talked about before we got married. That, I think was the biggest mistake.<br>
The stability and income are nice, but not worth it if that's all it's based on.<br>
My experience is not like yours, Colorful~Mama, I am always amazed at couples who have that kind of relationship. I am glad you and your husband have something so special.<br>
For me, it is hard work. Hopefully it will turn out to be worth it in the end.
 
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