[millefleur]

Hi Mamas! I'm just looking for a little advice. I'm due in late July and have already started telling a few select people. I've been surprised at the reaction of some of these people on the marriage issue. DP and I have been happy and stable together for years and planned this pregnancy. We have no desire to be married, yet suddenly now that there is a baby on the way we are getting a lot of thinly veiled marriage pressure. Since this is coming from people I carefully chose to tell, I'm dreading the questions from the rest of the bunch when we tell them later this month

:. Anyone been though this and have some wise words? Thank you.

 

[ebbybaby]

Not married either, we have a one year old and our second on the way in a week or so (hopefully lol) and I'm happy to say no ones really brought it up, we don't see its as needed, my guy was brought up in an somewhat unstable upbringing while I have parents who are still together and very happy, his parents are separated and still have lots of issues with one another, so he doesn't see marriage as a solid foundation or that it makes a relationship any stronger, we are friends no matter what and know we love each other and make decisions as though we are married, so we save our money and the stress of planning something like that and just enjoy our life together for what it is today, perhaps one day it will change and we'll be married...who knows?

Each to their own is all I say and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise needs to examine their own lives not ours.

 

[studentmidwifemama]

Hi,

I'm not sure if I have any wise words for you, but I understand where you are coming from. My partner and I have been together almost a decade and living together for most of it and consciously decided not to get married because
a) we're not religious b) we don't want anyone else to define our relationship
c) I don't want to be a wife d) we both agree that marriage is an archaic institute. That said we've both been involved in several friends weddings, some very religious because we completely respect their views. Live and let live. Peace and Love. But for whatever reason, we have faced pressure from people ever since the baby. All I can say is that I really don't share their disappointments or their otherwise negative feelings towards our non marriage. Our view on our relationship is so personal and so spiritual to us that what they think or hope to impose on us really has not penetrated our view of our own family. So we just roll with the punches so to speak. Their pressure would be like them trying to pressure me into joining the army....or shaving my head bald. Just no something I would ever consider and so completely none of their business. I find it amusing or funny, and sometimes annoying when the pressure starts up, but really I just can't help but think that they are just being ignorant to the fact that not everyone sees the world the way they do.
Over time, they're fear seems to quiet as they see that we are in fact, great parents.

Enjoy your pregnancy!

 

[DevaMajka]

We're not married either. Our first is 4yo, and we've been together 7 years. When we got those statements when I was pg with our first, I told them why I wasn't, and that was enough to scare them off. lol.

I told them I would not get married while pg, even if I did think I'd get married eventually. Then I told them that I thought marriage was a patriarchal tradition and that it's my little protest against the anti-gblt laws in the US. Yeah, that pretty much stopped them from asking for a while. lol.
Just use big words and seem riled up- that's what worked for me

Of course, I'm now pg with number 2, and my grandma recently told me "now that you're going to have 2, don't you think you should get married?" um, lol.
I just laughed and said "no."

 

[Sheal]

Although I am married now (less than 4 months now) I spent 9 years common law with 5 kids. It's no one elses business but yours and your partner's. There is no reason why you should be pressured to get married just because you two are having a baby.

You're right, marriage isn't for everyone. I would politely cut the person off as they suggest it and use the "pass the bean dip" method. Put your foot down and tell them you are not discussing this choice that the two of you made and it's none of their business. End of story, discussion over, don't bring it up again.

Congrats on the bundle due in July!

 

[lemonapple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by studentmidwifemama Hi, I'm not sure if I have any wise words for you, but I understand where you are coming from. My partner and I have been together almost a decade and living together for most of it and consciously decided not to get married because a) we're not religious b) we don't want anyone else to define our relationship c) I don't want to be a wife d) we both agree that marriage is an archaic institute. That said we've both been involved in several friends weddings, some very religious because we completely respect their views. Live and let live. Peace and Love. But for whatever reason, we have faced pressure from people ever since the baby. All I can say is that I really don't share their disappointments or their otherwise negative feelings towards our non marriage. Our view on our relationship is so personal and so spiritual to us that what they think or hope to impose on us really has not penetrated our view of our own family. So we just roll with the punches so to speak. Their pressure would be like them trying to pressure me into joining the army....or shaving my head bald. Just no something I would ever consider and so completely none of their business. I find it amusing or funny, and sometimes annoying when the pressure starts up, but really I just can't help but think that they are just being ignorant to the fact that not everyone sees the world the way they do. Over time, they're fear seems to quiet as they see that we are in fact, great parents. Enjoy your pregnancy!

This describes my SO and I's relationship perfectly. We made a VERY concious and educated decision that marriage was not for us for literally all the reasons listed in the above quote. My SO's family gave us a TON of grief when we first started making it apparent that we were choosing not to marry and brought it up at every visit. We planned this baby and when we chose to tell my SO's family of my pregnancy, we were asked again if we were going to plan a quicky wedding. Obviously we said no and that's been the last that we've ever heard about the subject from anyone. I think my SO's family realized that they simply have to accept our way of life if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life

As for friends of ours, we pick very carefully so that our marriage status is just not an issue. In fact, our friends refer to us as husband and wife.

Just stick to your guns and don't ever let someone make you feel ashamed for your choice. Marriage is like asking the government's approval before committing to loving someone...how can you really love a person enough to spend the rest of your life with them if the two of you are not even allowed to make that choice on your own, but first must get PERMISSION from the government institution?! Anyways, you also shouldn't feel like you have to explain your choice, just be firm and ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY!!!

 

[hollycat]

not married, it doesnt really matter to us. we are committed, tho, and no one has ever, not once, thru two pregnancies ever even remotely suggested we should be. people see us as committed as any married people. but we dont make any deal of our unmarried status.

 

[k13]

I just said "maybe later"... we did end up getting married (after 2 kids) and I just told people I didn't want to be pregnant and huge at the altar, nor nursing a baby... that if and when I got married I wanted to be "free" to celebrate however we decided. If they didn't approve at least no one said anything!

 

[nuwavemomma]

We're expecting #2 as well. We are that odd couple that got pregnant with #1 way too early into things and they've just worked out, better than we could have designed them I think.

The only time I really think about this issue at all is where healthcare is concerned. In MN it gets complicated, and domestic partnerships aren't honored. We don't all have coverage as a result, because we are counted economically as two separate households. It would be a lame reason to get married, but I think about it sometimes. I mean, this is it. This is our family. You know?

We "got engaged" over two years ago, and I wear a ring. For a while it was, "So... do you have a date now?" but enough "Not yet's!" took care of that. We don't get asked anymore.

Congrats on #2!

 

[learnlovebe]

Thanks for the gentle reminder.

My cousin and his gf are pg and due in spring. I'm really glad I didn't say anything along the lines of this when I saw them over Thanksgiving! I'm sure they get enough pressure from other family members, they don't need it from me, too.

 

[Hallielynn01]

People have a hard time looking past what they think a family "should be". I'm married, but as someone who had been married and divorced, as was DH, we were in not rush, and not really interested in becoming "legally bound" to another person any time soon. Everyone sorta assumed we were anyhow. After all, outside of love and commitment, and agreeing to cohabitate, what is marriage anyhow? However, for us we chose to get married for just those legal reasons, we knew we were committed and going to stay together. But after my mom fell ill, the idea of being able to use his health benefits etc were reasons for us since I was in small business. It gave us all peace of mind. Not that I was married, but covered by insurance LOL So now we kinda joke I married him for his money (since I often make as much as him when I work FT, and never needed his money anyhow)

Only you guys know what will work best for you and your situation, and many people will never really understand where your coming from. I also, personally, think getting married because a woman is pregnant is a bad idea and a bad time to discuss such a major union....... but that's just my opinion

 

[inky leeuhhh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by k13 I just said "maybe later"... we did end up getting married (after 2 kids) and I just told people I didn't want to be pregnant and huge at the altar, nor nursing a baby... that if and when I got married I wanted to be "free" to celebrate however we decided. If they didn't approve at least no one said anything!

thank goodness i am not the only one who thinks this way! i am engaged, and dp's family keeps asking why we arent getting married BEFORE the baby is born. right now we are thinking late summer/ early fall (baby due in april), but i would really like it to be later, after the baby isnt nursing. or at least only nursing a couple times a day- which could push the date off even a year later. i keep wanting to bring it up to dp, but he really wants to be married and i dont think he will understand

. anyway, i really think people need to do whatever feels right to them. there are all kinds of families! the important thing is making a child feel loved

:

 

[mystiquesmom]

I am married, but know lots of people who have children together and are not married. I never bring up their marital status: I figure it's none of my business. I truly believe marriage is not for everyone and as long as they are happy, then I'm happy, too.

 

[millefleur]

Thank you all for sharing! Very helpful!

 

[alaskaberry]

I didn't get married. I just tell people to mtob!

 

[77589]

I have family that never intend to get married and are quite happy w and w/o kids. If you anticipate problems, just tell them up front you aren't interested in discussing the subject. Perhaps they can focus more on the joy of welcoming your child instead

 

[Cherry Alive]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmp777 Thank you all for sharing! Very helpful!

Yes, thank you! My husband has a coworker who isn't married and has a child (and is thinking of a second). He lives with his GF and it really puzzled everyone (they thought he was just staying bc of the kid), but now there's a much better explanation that makes a lot more sense (if DH wonders about it again-not that it's his business).

I was just wondering, though. Given that a lot of people are fighting for the rights to marry, don't you guys ever worry about legal issues-like being able to see your partner if he/she goes to a hospital or being protected (and having child custody) in case one of you gets really ill or dies? Also, doesn't it get complicated with things like health insurance and property ownership?

I'm not asking to judge, but I was wondering as these were some reasons DH and I married (we lived together 5 years first). Of course we also wanted a wedding, but now that I've done one, I've got to say eloping or just "skipping to the honeymoon" (IOW - just doing a nice vacation with no wedding) is something I'll do in my next life.

 

[Vortexing]

I swear, why do people think it's any of their business?

DH and I were married in a very.... untraditional way.

However, had the circumstances not favored making the already stable relationship legal, we wouldn't have done it. So I'm in the legally married crowd, but put nearly no weight on the legal aspect of it - what's more important is us. Think about all the legal marriages that go bad - having legal status as married DEFINITELY does not automatically make your household/relationship more stable.