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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Warning this is LONG:<br>
I haven't written here before because 1. there is too much to even write and 2. it makes it more real somehow if that makes sense. My DH is going through a lot of stressful things lately (can't go into details- not drugs or anything but all caused by him). They are also stressing me out too but I dont want to stress him more and my DS picks up on it, so I hold it together. Before all of these things though, DH is not nice to me. He is not helpful at all with DS (I am a SAHM right now, but even when I'm sick I have to get help from my parents or inlaws). He works a lot but a lot of that is his own fault, he spends too much money on crap. When he is home he usually wants to lay around or do *his hobby*things, not hang with me and DS. He is in a perpetual funk, like constantly. I am always asking, whats wrong hunny? And always get, nothing. I know its something so I ask again and usually get yelled at only to have him admit ____ is wrong later. Lately he has been being dramatic and saying that he doesn't even bother telling me because I don't care (he knows my feelings now apparently) or I "yell at him and tell him he is wrong for feeling that way" WHAT?! is he making this stuff up? I never yell at him when he tells me something is wrong, I usually say something like well try not to let it bother you (if theres nothing to do about it) or suggest a solution.<br>
Then he goes on to say (in text messages because he is incapable of normal convo) that he feels left out and hes sad that he is in a marriage with a wife who doesn't even like him, kiss him, or even sleep in bed with him, care that he works 90hrs a week, and I only worry about me and DS. Mind you, this coming from a guy I found out had been cheating on me 3mos pregnant and 1 mo after our wedding and never truly redeemed himself/acted really remorseful for it, bought a motorcycle and lied about it then I found out and he lied again about how much it was, he lies all the time if I don't ask the perfect question, he is RARELY nice to me (except on occasion when he wants sex, and I don't consider that nice), we went to a wedding last week and I got dolled up and by the end of the night said "aren't you gonna tell me I look pretty"...he says, "I told you you look okay" ?^%! what? he refused to tell me I looked pretty. Then on the drive home the next day was stupid enough to complain about how we had a hotel room away from DS for the first time ever and didn't do the deed. He spends minimal time with DS. I feel unloved and he has the audacity to say he feels that way....when even though I feel that way, I woke him with a kiss this morning? Met him for lunch at work though I wasn't hungry cause I could tell he was down. Tried to talk to him about it but that was pointless. He wouldn't even small talk with me at lunch. Still I sent him pics of DS playing at the park to cheer him up, and THEN he has the audacity to txt me that I don't care?! Last night I put up halloween decos in a rush before he got him (with my cranky DS) so I could scare him with the new stuff....sounds mean but he loves halloween deco stuff.<br>
So I told him he was being ridiculous and he curses at me. I wrote back nice. Then he tells me he has never met someone so blank and ungrateful, which I ignore. He then curses me again, tells me to get out of HIS house and go to my rents, and to get a ride since *I* don't have a car. I ignore all of this, but I am left crying. He then txts "can you please admit you don't like me so we can be done with this charade of a marraige?"<br>
I have told him I don't like the person he has become (pretty much since he started cheating years ago)....no I don't think hes cheating now. Just selfish and immature. But I do love him despite all of his flaws. I have told him because of the lies and the way he acts and continue to act, I am not attracted to him. Yet he makes no effort. He just expects me to give him sex more often. I am drained.<br>
If you got this far, thanks for listening. He is in counseling for his stress stuff. I went to his first meeting about that and the counselor told me to come whenever I or he needed. I tried to go with him twice, once he told me the appt time too late to get a sitter and the other he refused to go and I went alone. I am due to go back. So we are in counseling. But the one session I had I left feeling worse. Cause I know his problems are hard ones to fix (counselor said so) and I don't know if he would even get over himself enough to do so. I just need a hug <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I want a good husband and even more so a good father for my DS.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama<br>
i am sorry. that sucks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
i pray that you will all be blessed and will all feel better somehow very soon.<br>
wish i could help.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I can't bring myself to say much about it right now, but I am right there with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks ladies....you know whats weird? when I talked to the counselor he recapped some and said "so you're feeling lonely and betrayed...." It took me a minute to realize...yes I am lonely. But not so much for friends, family...but only that lonely your best friend and spouse can fill. I feel hopeless.<br>
Someone please tell me they have a DP like this who changed and things got better<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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I'm so sorry, the pain must seem unbearable. I am in the middle of divorcing a similar XH. I finally accepted that he simply wasn't interested in being a partner/husband/father, and that I was essentially irrelevant to him expect when he used me to bolster his image or provide sex/housekeeping/childcare/money.<br><br>
It seems like things must be coming to a head for you. I hope you can find some peace, and that you and your DS cherish your bright moments.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I read your post and the part that struck me was "But I do love him despite all of his flaws" That sounded so discordant to the rest of your post. I find it hard to reconcile the fact that you still have feelings of love for him. I can understand *showing* love even when you don't feel loving but I can't imagine *feeling* love for someone treating you this way. Just wondering if you actually feel love for him or just neediness for him (to fill that special place you feel only a partner can fill)? I totally know what "hole" you are talking about. The need to feel loved, lovely, secure etc. I have found it very empowering in my life to not give the responsibility of filling this vacuum to my DH but to God. (or you could take the responsibility on yourself- find ways to fulfill yourself apart from DH).
 

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Well there are some things in your story that kind of match mine (unfaithful husband, never helped with kids, getting the "nothing" response when asked what is wrong, etc) and I will be your ray of hope - our relationship is back on track and things are going much better.<br><br>
But it took a GOOD marriage counselor to help us. Have you thought about finding someone trained in the Gottman method? It's so useful, men seem to like the "structure" of it and I hear alot in your post about miscommunications happening between the two of you. It's clear that you haven't heard what you need to hear from him regarding the infidelities (that he REALLY understands your pain) and it seems like he doesn't feel you are hearing him either. As long as you both are nursing the hurt, things won't improve. And a good counselor can help you get past all that hurt and see each other in a new way (or the old way when you first met LOL)<br><br>
so hugs to you and I hope either this counselor works out for you or you can find someone to help you - it's so hard to try to do it on your own....but it can be done if you both want it...and it seem like maybe you do if your going to counseling and have stuck it out this long.<br><br>
peace,<br>
robyn
 

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I couldn't read this without posting. I don't have any answers, but I do have a DH with similar types of issues. I am getting sick and tired of it after all these years and truthfully I don't think I love him anymore. We have tried 4 diff. counselors over the years, all to no avail. It all sounds similar, the infidelity, the lack of caring, the demands for sex. My DH wants to see a psychiatrist and will be going next month. It's my last glimmer of hope.
 

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I must admit, my first thought was - WHY are you still with this man?!<br><br>
I mean, besides the love reason. I know I may be different than everyone in this, but I don't think love is enough of a reason to stay in a marriage where I am miserable.<br><br>
He's not likely to change for you or for his kids. He has to 1. acknowledge that he has issues, 2. want to change for HIMSELF, 3. Show that he is actively making an effort to change and work through his issues.<br><br>
If those 3 things aren't happening, sorry to say, but I'd be serving him divorce papers.<br><br>
I'm a believer in marriage and commitment. But, I don't believe in honoring an abstract value, i.e. commitment, over anything else, i.e. over my own happiness.<br><br>
Marriages should be mutual partnerships - ideally. Of course, there are ebbs and flows to any relationship. But, the bottom line should always be the mutuality of a partnership. When one partner drops out of this partnership (as it seems your dh has done) - it's time to seriously reconsider and re-evaluate.
 

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Yikes, I would be kicking him to the curb. Infidelity and treats you like crap? Without a personal committment to therapy and trying to make it better it is clear he doesn't want this. He is a coward waiting for you to make the decision so he can then blame you. I would give him his wish. You deserve better as does your baby.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s... I hate to say this... but it seems that your husband has already left the relationship. I'm not saying you should kick him to the curb, but I'd quit expecting him to contribute if he's already emotionally checked out of the marriage. Maybe couples counseling could help both of you?<br><br>
Sometimes when the communication and compassion has broken down, you need something huge to jump start it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
NAK....thanks for all the advice. I forgot to add another reason I never posted this before....I didn't want to hear the truth! I do still love him though it is fading. he has occasional times when he is nice and admits he is selfish and wants to do better, but not often enough. I'm not ready to give up yet. I need to be strong, demand serious counseling and commitment. Maybe on the Gottman ideals, I haven't held him accountable enough. He doesn't communicate well, perhaps if he had tools or we had counseling that would improve. I *know/sense* when somethings wrong ar on his mind and ask ask ask but I can't force it out of him, right? But I can demand he go to counseling. We shall see. Thanks everyone!
 
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