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Hello All,

I'm feeling the need for support, love, hugs...

My sweet daughter Mary was born just 13 days ago, at home, in the water. Her birth was so wonderful, and was such a healing experience for both me and my husband after our first daughter's very traumatic, very medicalized hospital birth 4 years ago. I suppose I'll write the entire birth story soon, but for now I'll just say that it was perfect, the placenta was delivered intact (even the sac was intact with just a hole where Mary had come out), and I had very little bleeding after.

Just a few days after the birth I switched to wearing a mini pad b/c I really wasn't bleeding. So on the seventh day, when i suddenly started to gush, I knew something was amiss. A few hours later, when the bleeding became even more outrageous and included clots, I called my MW. She instructed me to lie down, for my dh to make me some RRL tea, and when she arrived she injected methergine into my thigh. While she was here, she dug huge clots out of me and asked dh to run and get a large Pyrex measuring bowl to put it in so we could try to keep track of how much blood had been lost. By this time, it looked as though a murder had taken place in both my bathroom and on my bed. Thank goodness for leftover chux pads. MW thought it was just a tired uterus, and fully expected the methergine to work. When it didn't, we all drove to the hospital. I reassured everyone that I was fine, but by the time we arrived at ER admitting, I passed out. I was fine (conscious) again once I was on a bed, but it only got worse from there. Over the next many hours I was given more methergine, pitocin, and hemabate to no avail. My blood pressure dropped each time they dug a clot out of me (okay, I know that's disgusting, but that's exactly how they put it. Perhaps one of the most horrifying sensations I've ever experienced). My uterus would clamp down, then within minutes become "boggy" again, filling up with blood. There was a great deal of worried mumbling, running around, calling doctors out of bed, and people coming to reassure me that I was going to be okay. I went into surgery for a D & C early in the morning. Mary started to wake up right before they took me, and I just cried, wondering how she would do without me/my milk. Thankfully I had a couple minutes before they wheeled me away to nurse her, and then, lo and behold and thank God, she took to her first bottle with no problems! Jason was so glad to be able to show me that before I went away; it was a great relief to both of us.

After surgery, we all felt such relief that it was over and I would be fine. But I waited and waited in recovery, quite out of it but aware of what was going on, because my blood pressure was still dropping and my heart rate was too fast. After I don't know how long, I told my nurses in disbelief that I was bleeding again. Again there were huge clots, and worried mumbling. The doctor was called again (he had gone home). They were mumbling that I wasn't stable enough to go into surgery again (I remember hearing, "She's really shocky") but that there was no choice. I've never been so scared in my entire life. My Dad was there -- he had been visiting when this happened -- I'm so glad that dh wasn't alone. They took turns taking care of Mary all night. And older dd had gone with Grandma for an overnight that same day. But I just kept thinking about how scared Dad and dh must have been. I didn't think I could survive another surgery. I had lost so much blood, and I was so scared to go under general anesthesia again. I tried to prepare myself for any eventuality -- for whatever the plan was for me. I tried to be at peace with it. The truth is, I was so weak and half-conscious, I couldn't really have done anything other than go along with it. I was completely aware that everything else had been tried and there was no other choice; I could not survive this bleeding much longer. So I went in to the OR again, this time for a hysterectomy.

I've had a few scares since then. It took 3 transfusions of two units each to get my H&H back to a reasonable level. I developed a fever and terrible headache, a rash, and my blood pressure continued fluctuating for 3 days. Two days after the surgery, I suddenly found another clot between my legs, and because I was feeling particularly sick at the time, it was again very scary. The nurse said it was big, but a call to the doctor informed us that it was to be expected. I haven't had any bleeding since, and I am now at home again. I'm so grateful to be home, with my babies and my husband. My Mom is here, and Mary has been able to return to breast nursing with little trouble.

I've certainly never been so scared in my entire life, and I suppose I'll be dealing with that for the next few days or weeks. But all's well. I felt so great yesterday, but today all I've been able to do is sleep, nurse the baby, and sob.

Thank you for reading. I know this might not belong on this forum, but this is where I feel at home. I want to say again that I had a beautiful home birth, and although this is related, I don't associate it with the birth. This could have happened no matter how/where I gave birth; it seems that my uterus just gave up the ghost. So I am terribly sad and very ill... but I'm happy to be alive and able to continue being Mama to my sweet girls.
 

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I'm so sorry! That's sounds scary. I'm sending you healing vibes.
 

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Oh my goodness - I am so glad that you are okay. Please, please allow yourself the time you need to grieve for what you have lost. I'm glad that you had a beautiful homebirth and now have a wonderful daughter - congratulations. What a bittersweet time for you! {{hugs}}
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by caterpillar
I've certainly never been so scared in my entire life, and I suppose I'll be dealing with that for the next few days or weeks. But all's well. I felt so great yesterday, but today all I've been able to do is sleep, nurse the baby, and sob.

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days or weeks- I hope! but if it continues longer, don't think there is something wrong with you. often it can take months or even years to work through such a traumatic experience.

I am so- SO- happy that you are here for your babies. at the same time, I am very sad that this happened in the first place. I hope the rest of your recovery is uneventful and please allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, and if it becomes overwhelming maybe a therapist could help.
 

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How incredibley scary! I am sorry you went through all of that but so glad to hear that you are ok!
Sending you much love and light.
 

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I don't normally post here, but I wanted to offer up a
for the trauma you've been through. congratulations on the wonderful homebirth of your daughter!

as the pp said, give yourself time to greive if you need it, its a very valid feeling in this situation.
 

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Much love to you mama. What a terrifying experience. I agree with PP... if you're still feeling the effects of this trauma in weeks or months, it's totally normal. Also, if you're more worried about PPD or PTSD, consider talking to a therapist, or specialist.
You've been through a lot, let others help you heal. Talking about it, and writing about it will help more than you can imagine.
I'm glad you're safe, and healthy and Mary is also. Much love to you all.
 

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Big support, love, and hugs flowing your way.
How terrifying, and how wonderful you're both still here and relatively well. Give yourself as much time as you need - just like with a traumatic birth, emergency surgery, and especially hysterectomy, will be with you for the rest of your life. Eventually it will fade into the background, but whenever that happens, however long (or short) that takes, is OK.

More hugs, just 'cause you could use them.
 

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Oh Caterpillar, how terrifying! I'm so glad you're alive and can be with your kids, and I'm very sorry for your loss!


Heidi
 

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I am so glad that you are okay. And I am glad you had a great support group with you when you went in. I am glad after such a traumatic experience you were able to share it with others.
 

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Wow, that is so scary! I'm glad you are doing well now, it will take some time to heal emotionally I'm sure. I'm glad the birth was good. Rest up and feel better!
 

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Catepillar,

I am so sorry for your trauma! I am so glad you have your loving family around you, and you have our love with you as well.
Peace, Paige
 

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First, I'm am glad your daughter had such a beautiful, peaceful birth.
Second, I'm a so glad that you're still here! What a scary experience! I would be so terrified and heartbroken if I were in your situation with so many thoughts going through my head not knowing what would happen. You and your family are so blessed! Be gentle with yourself, mama and make sure dh takes good care of you
Make sure to give us an update on how you're healing... and Mary's birth story!
 

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I'm so glad that you are at home with your children. I had a similaqr scare after a miscarriage and if God was taking me home then that was okay, but I felt so sad for my husband and children. And I was alone at the hospital, but God was with me the whole time.
I just wanted to say to you to remember that all suffering is for a purpose, though we can't always see it at that moment. i pray that you heal, and that you value the time that you have and that your heart will heal. I pray for peace for you.
April
 
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