[babibelli]

hi mamas..I need some insight and advice..<br><br>
I am definately not ready to date again.. but i do see other married couples and i will admit sometimes I do feel envious. I am fine and even proud to be a single mom but I do wonder if perhaps someday there might be someone who i can have a "real partnership" with.<br><br>
My marriage was abusive. i met my ex when i was 22-and well, I never really had the chance to "date" as an adult. I do not like nor want to frequent bars.<br>
I am not particularly girly (my wardrobe pretty much consists of practical, comfy clothes that I can hike in).<br>
I was asked out and well, stood the guy up. I feel bad-but it was definately a sign that i was not ready yet.<br>
I do not want to be "alone" the rest of my life... (although, upon further thinking, i am never alone-i have my dd's my family, my friends, my community)<br>
because of my dv expereince, i am rather mistrustful of men. I have never had a postive expereince with any boyfriends or my ex. I know that there are good men out there. I would ideally like to find someone who is whole, is spiritually healthy, educated, outdoorsy would be a plus, sensitive and kind. I also wonder how I can fit dating into my already busy life? I do not want a string of men in and out of my life. for some of you mamas who have found a partner and who are in a loving respectful relationship, tell me -how did you meet? I'm not looking right now-but i do have to wonder if there is hope for me...

 

[Holland73]

I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.<br><br>
BUT...I also believe that you have to be happy, secure and confident with yourself, on your own, before that person can enter your life.<br><br>
Heal your wounds and try to understand why you have chosen the men in your past..this will be the key in making sure you do not repeat the same pattern. Reflect, reflect, reflect.<br><br>
I love Marianne Williamsons' quote about dealing with the past:<br><br>
"Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it."<br><br>
Find your own happiness and truly believe that the future holds amazing opportunities for you...with or without a partner.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>babibelli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7986020"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would ideally like to find someone who is whole, is spiritually healthy, educated, outdoorsy would be a plus, sensitive and kind. I also wonder how I can fit dating into my already busy life?</div>
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If this is what you want, then you need to be all of this within yourself and he will come along and find you!<br><br>
Yes, there is hope for you. There are a ton of really great men out there. When you reflect and heal your past wounds (great advice Holland) you will start to see these men and be able to trust again.<br><br>
I have not found a 'partner' yet, but I have dated some really exceptional men. And what I can tell you is that it really is possible to juggle things, when it is the right person at the right time.<br><br>
When I first started dating, I had a 2 year old and 6 year old. My youngest was in diapers, nursing and we were co-sleeping. I thought, there's no way someone's going to be okay with that. I was wrong. And then, I felt like such a 'mom' and who would find that attractive, but I am attractive to some men and it's wonderful to feel that part of me alive again and to be looked at as sexy and attractive.<br><br>
When you feel ready, it will happen. Being a good parent is a really attractive quality in a person. Being outdoorsy is a really attractive quality for a lot of men. And you will find someone who is everything you want and more when you are ready to take the leap and trust.

 

[the sunshine]

It will happen someday. Your situation sounds a lot like mine; after three years, i suddenly felt ready, and since i literally had not met a man anywhere, i put up a profile on an online dating service. I dated a couple of guys who i Did Not Like, then met one guy who, literally from the moment I laid eyes on him, just felt right. It's been 8 months now and he is very gentle and very understanding of my past.<br><br>
There's hope, mama!

 

[babibelli]

thank you mamas, for your kind and insightful replies.<br><br>
I have ALOT more inner work to do- coming to forgiveness of my past choices in men and discovering all the lessons that lay there..<br><br>
I 've thought about it and I wonder if perhaps i have a genuine fear of being alone.. and it's good I'm not dating right now as I do not want my choices in men to be dominated by fear-but by love (particularly for myself)<br><br>
i suppose when I am ready to date-i'll know..

 

[Holland73]

You sound like you know exactly what you need to do for yourself, that is wonderful to hear.<br><br>
Be patient, and VERY kind, with yourself. Enjoy this new journey to a better, stronger, healthier you.

 

[Shiloh]

You sound like you are really involved in your community, your hobbies, your interests PERFECT I am sure when the time is right that you will attract someone who shares your interests...I think you are on the right 'path' and that you are distrustful so make someone earn your trust the right person won't have a problem earnign your trust.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I would ideally like to find someone who is whole, is spiritually healthy, educated, outdoorsy would be a plus, sensitive and kind.</td>
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I don't think you are as far away from meeting someone as you might think you know what you want, what you need, and what is going to make you happy.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I also wonder how I can fit dating into my already busy life?</td>
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I think if you find someone who shares your values, your interests they will fit into your life it won't seem like a part time job so to speak! They might actually add to your life, lighten your load, lift your spirits...

 

[woo27ks]

I used the time after my divorce to really create the family life I wanted with dc and me. I sat with the pain and loneliness that divorce brings. With the help of my counselor, I've been able to see my role in my marriage. I also got clear about what I wanted my next relationship to look like. I would visualize it.<br><br>
I also knew I didn't want to be alone forever, but I also said I wouldn't date until my dc were in high school. They were 2 and 6 months at the time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
After my x got back from Afghanistan, he became very involved in their lives - which freed up a lot of time for me. I met my bf online - we've been together 3.5 years - started looking for a house and will be married. He has three dc and I have 2. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Counseling helps me to not repeat patterns. I also have learned to really listen to my gut. I honor it now - I speak my heart.<br><br>
Take care - and be good to yourself.<br><br>
"Love will come to you." - Indigo Girls

 

[Bixby]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>the sunshine</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7986603"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It will happen someday. Your situation sounds a lot like mine; after three years, i suddenly felt ready, and since i literally had not met a man anywhere, i put up a profile on an online dating service. I dated a couple of guys who i Did Not Like, then met one guy who, literally from the moment I laid eyes on him, just felt right. It's been 8 months now and he is very gentle and very understanding of my past.<br><br>
There's hope, mama!</div>
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This is my story almost exactly! We met on okcupid.com which is an excellent site because it is free <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">

 

[BelovedK]

Hi <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wave.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wave"> It's almost May, right?<br><br>
I have been occupied with a career related matter and it involves my being sued!!!!!!!!! I can't talk about it unless it is pm but suffice it to say, I have not been focusing on the dating scene. I did go out on one the other night, I just can't get interested in anyone bc the right one has yet to appear. I'm not worried about it, I'll meet him when the time is right.<br><br>
I can't wait to hear all about your dating experiences and hey, maybe, just maybe I will have something to post this month <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[Shonahsmom]

Oh Beloved! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Sorry to hear of your legal troubles! How stressful!<br><br>
Just to reiterate what many wise mamas here have already written, I know I was never going to find the right man, a true partner, until I did a lot of work on myself: healing, growing, learning to fully appreciate and love myself. Honestly, it took seven years, including a couple of years of domestic violence counseling.. but I don't lament any of it. In fact, I deeply, deeply value that time alone and the work I did. I built up my community, built up myself, found lots of new interests and just really gained a strong sense of self. And now, I've met the man that I am pretty sure I am going to marry and he is absolutely amazing on every level. I also met him via the internet on match.com.<br><br>
Things continue to go beautifully for BF and me. He and my daughter are beyond adorable together. He came over Friday night and she was gone on a sleep over. He was totally bummed that he missed her. He sketched a really beautiful picture of orchids and wrote her a letter on it, just basically reading that he was sorry to have missed her, that he couldn't wait to see her again and hoped she had a wonderful weekend with her mama. She loved it so much she wanted to make something for him. She wouldn't let me see it so I didn't see it until after she gave it to him when he came over on Sunday night. She made a green envelope which she filled with rocks, some from her collection and some that she collected on Saturday when we went kite flying at the beach. She made another envelope with a note in it reading, "Thank you for my letter. I really appreesheeatud it." Then she made him a card with a picture of a rock on the front and she wrote (direct quote), "Rocks rock and you are a rock so you ROCK!!!"<br><br>
This is all so totally kick ass. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">

 

[meemee]

beloved <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s on your legal troubles. hope they wont be too bad.<br><br>
shonasmom i meant to sey it earlier but i love, love, love ur siggie. and the note. its so cute.<br><br>
and i will second everything that teh other wise moms have written joanna. it was the same thing that happened to me.<br><br>
i went thru many stages. and the fear of being alone. lonely. having no real adult to connect to. but then thru the pain of my breakup personal growth and finding my spiritual path happened. everybodys journey is a little different and they meet people differently. for instance i knew online daitng wsa not for me. it worked for my friend who is getting ready to buy a house with her guy.<br><br>
you knwo when i found myself and i mean really found myself - found all what i liked, didnt. and treated myself without guilt but just with acceptance - i discovered i wasnt alone. i was no longer lonely. i was having a great time with myself. that till the day i die it will always be me and myself. and no one is gonna tell me how to lead my life. i am my own person and i depend on myself for joy and dealing with pain. i learnt i wnated the experience. i was no longer going to make a decision whether the experience would bring me pain or joy. pain and joy are the same sides to a coin.<br><br>
and when i leanrt i was my keeper and no one else, joy just burst into my life. i changed. my outside started reflecting it. people started telling me i looked different. like i had an innder glow. i was no longer afraid. i had found me. i had found the cake. anything else would be the icicng on the cake. man, money..... so when my man did walk into my life i treated him with respect but thru many ways showed him this is who i am. the good and bad. if u want me u can have me under these circumstances. i welcome u in my life but i am not gonna change for you. i was bold and confident. something i have never been before. i have a life with him. i have my own life too. i am not gonna wait for you to ask me out. or only go out with you. and so far it has worked wonderfully well. but if things go sour tomorrow i will still be ok. he is not necessry for my joy. but he has brought so much joy and peace in my life.<br><br>
and a huge challenge where i have to change everything i knew and believed in before. he is so not the kind of man i have dated before that i am in unknown territories and i have really had to go deep within to find answers. and it has been extremely emotional and torturous. but it has been exactly what i needed to do. i love what we share. i dont feel judged. we even have the freedom to secretely share our love of certain terrible songs. i have had to completely shatter all these ideas i had in my mind about dating, what a man should be.... etc.<br><br>
but lastly i must say i am so so so grateful to my ex. i really find i have such an awesome relationship with B because of what my ex taught me. thru all the pain i learnt to stand up for myself. with my ex i did not exist. i was someone who was ex's shadow. who melted into ex doing everything what he wanted. nothing of what i wanted. i have met fear headon and discovered so much of it was wrong perceptions and that ultimately there was nothing to fear.<br><br>
i love my life. i loved my life before B. he has just brought a freshness that is refreshing. i love his sense of humour. he and my dd get along v. v. v. well too. she is 4 1/2 and last time at dinner he was teaching her to be observant about her drawings. so he would tell her where is my stubble since i havent shaved. and my nostril hair. silly goof. dd was laughing and drawing. she sat with him and he took care of her food. i have never seen her hug or be goofy around another man as she is with B. he genuinely cares for her and calls her a good child. one time in the car he stopped talking and was grinning listening to dd sing goofy songs in hte back seat. it so touches my heart to see him notice little things like that about dd. they play together in the park climbing stuctures together which even i dont do. i just sit and watch with a silly grin on my face and wonder who is the kid here.

 

[Vypros]

Sorry to hear about your past relationship.<br><br>
Let me give you a guy's viewpoint on the matter.<br><br>
As others have said, first and foremost you have to learn to be happy with yourself and by yourself. Being a single parent is pretty tough. Sometimes it can be frustrating and you can feel really trapped.<br><br>
But there is hope for you. And to a lot of guys a girl with a kid is no big deal. In fact, there are lots of guys who LOVE kids and will love your child as their own.<br><br>
The issues you seem to be facing right now are understandable. It's hard to let your guard down again after you've been burned, but it's totally possible. You just have to be more picky and learn to pick up on the signs of a "loser". In fact, I read an incredibly great article on this a long time ago and if I can find it again, I'll post it.<br><br>
But it all comes down to YOU. Only you know when you are ready. Only you can decide when you can trust again. Stop beating yourself up. Everybody makes mistakes and errors in judgement. Learn to be the best person you can possibly be and you'll attract the best men. Know what I mean?<br><br>
In any case, I feel your pain and I hope it gets better for ya.

 

[babibelli]

thanks. yes I know it will be a while-and I do like being myself. I like being single.<br>
thinking back-I have been on the arm of some guy or been someone's gf, wife since I was 14 (that's 20 years!) I am coming to terms with what mistakes I have made and am learning from them.

 

[WatermelonSnow]

Kelly, sorry to hear about your legal troubles. I hope everything works out for you!<br><br>
I actually have something to post to this thread <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">. I got asked out by a guy at work, and well, I am sooooo not interested <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: .<br><br>
I work in the office and he works out in the field, so we really don't cross paths very much. He called me in the office today and told me that the boss had given him tickets to a weekend at a music festival and would I like to go. Naive me, I'm thinking "co-workers go to festival together." He called me at home tonight and was talking about how we should look at the schedule and see which bands *we* want to see. Now my spidey sense was totally tingling, and I could tell he was considering this a date. He sealed the deal by asking if maybe we could "get together" before the fest b/c it's so far off (a month). Fortunately for once, the phenomenon of the child who was ignoring you before the phone rang is now utterly determined to have your full attention began. I have never been so grateful to hear unnecessary noise <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> , and I used that excuse to get off the phone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:.<br><br>
I've never really dated, so I don't know how to handle all this. I am absolutely certain I don't want to date this guy. I would like to go to the festival, though <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> !

 

[StephandOwen]

It's May 4th already and I haven't posted in the dating thread?!? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Things are still going well. We're working through some rough stuff but we've managed to work through everything so far and, even better, we've done it with RESPECT. Amazing that you can have a different opinion on something and *gasp* not be belittled for it or not called every name thinkable until you give in. I am so happy these days, Jason is almost definately the person to complete this family. And Owen has such a neat bond with him. I love watching the two of them together. I just sit back and watch them and my heart just melts. I'm still definately the only "parent" while Jason is the fun one, but that's exactly how we all want it right now. He and Owen just have a blast together. Oh, wanna see a <a href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v197/StephandOwen/5-1-07003-2.jpg" target="_blank">picture</a>? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> This was taken last Friday. He had just got back from work. I had just got done shopping <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Unfortunately the next couple weeks are going to be really hard <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Because of his work schedule we aren't going to see each other until the 18th, when he's coming up here for the weekend. Only 2 more weeks...

 

[katydid317]

Steph, you guys are such a cute couple. you just look like you "fit".<br>
It's crazy how things happen isn't it? I don't usually post in the dating thread (or post much period), but I always read it, and I remember how recently it was that you were so not interested in dating and now... I know what you mean about watching him with your son. when I see my bf playing with owen it makes me so happy thinking about how well we all fit together. I do feel guilty sometimes though because he has 2 very young daughters who do not get to spend the kind of time with him that my son does and his ex is always getting mad at him for that.<br><br>
I had this whole thing in my mind about "someday". I figured it would be years before I even started casually dating and then BAM. all of a sudden I meet someone and that's it. I figured I was going to have a failed relationship or two before I met the man I would spend the rest of my life with.<br><br>
I get nervous sometimes wondering if something will happen and this relationship will end. he seems too perfect for me.

 

[Shonahsmom]

Great pic Steph! You two look really happy! I'm so glad things continue to go so well!<br><br>
Kate, I can totally relate to your post. Sometimes I get scared that DP is just going to wake up one day and change his mind. He is everything I ever imagined and sometimes it seems to good to be true... I think we're all so accustomed to things just not working, ya know?

 

[pranamama]

I have to chime in too about what a great picture that is <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[katydid317]

shonahsmom: that is so what I mean! even though I left my ex because I demanded better for myself, I am still surprised at how great dp is and think it can't possibly be true. I expect him to behave the way my ex did, which I find really weird. but then, my ex is the only example I have of men, aside from my dad and stepdad.