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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
as some of you remember i'm in the process of splitting up with dh. i have no romantic feelings for him as his language and behavior really has turned me off in the last couple of months. so there was this co-worker who i truly adore. he does not know about my marriage finishing. i'm truly attracted to him. he is smart. funny and neat. it has gotten to a point that i want to cut out the coffee and conversation and have sex with him. i propositioned him about 2 months ago. i called him up and told him i was really attracted to him and that my dh was going to central america and could him and i get together for something. i guess when you get to be my age you don't want any song and dance. are you following me so far? i wrote about this in an earlier thread titled "should i have an affair". be for i propositioned him i had been flirting with him non-stop. so anyways, he said no but i don't know why. i mean, is it because i'm married on paper or because he is not interested in me? i don't know. so today, i drop dd off at school and he is working in her classroom . all last week i wanted the courage to ask him out . we are standing alone and i say"what are you doing tonight"? "I'm meeting a friend after work". "I want to go out with you" "I can't tonight" I say "what about tomorrow night"?(can you see how desperate i am for male company?) he says "Oh i don't know." so by that time my ego is a little hurt and i say "I"m never bringing this up again" and i said good bye to dd and good bye to her other teachers on the other side of the room. i should say i work with him. not directly but at the same site. it will be uncomfortable, but manageable . to back up, he said no to sex because i lived with dd'sfather and we are still legally married. I feel like i want to know why he doesn't want to go out with me. is it because of dh or is he truly not interested? and how do i find out without digging myself a deeper hole. All i have to say is it is his loss. It was fun entertaining the idea. any advice would be appreciated. thank you guys! I just adore the hell out of him.
 

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My advice would be to let it go.<br><br>
Put yourself in his shoes. I would tell a friend who was in your guy's position to run and dont look back. What a mess he would be getting into.....the potential for disaster is very real. he very well might be attracted to you, but my guess he just doesnt want to get involved. and if you really adore this guy, and respect him, then honor his answer....no means no.<br><br>
how sad for all of you!
 

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I agree with Sweetbaby3.<br>
If I were that guy, it seems like there's an awful lot going on & to get in the middle of it may be more than he wants or more than he's willing to risk. It maybe is more about the situation, than you personally.<br>
I think it's best to let it go as well. Keep your interactions simple & polite. It'll probably be awkward for him as well.<br>
Peace & love to you ~
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
but he does not know that i'm only married on paper and not emotionally. when we talk it is such good brain food.
 

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My advice to you is a little different than the others have given you, though the essence is still, "Let it go." You are setting yourself up for a possible drama that could end much less favorably for you than you would like. Let's look at it from an outsider's point of view: You have a husband (whether just on paper or no - in the eyes of the law it's the paper that matters). You are still living with your husband. Your relations with your husband are largely unfriendly. Meanwhile, you are soliciting an outside relationship. Without knowing the underlying emotional situation, if you succeeded with this man, it would look like a clear-cut case of adultery. What if your husband were to find out and decide that he wants to use it to his advantage? (And let's be real here - it would be a workplace romance. Those have about a ZERO chance of staying private). A court isn't going to care that you were unhappy in your marriage - they're going to care that you're having an outside relationship. You could lose out big in the deal - perhaps even your children.<br><br>
I know how lonely it is to feel like you're waiting it out in a failing relationship. But there will be plenty of time for seeking out other relationships once you and your husband have made the final split. It sounds as though you might need to push for this to happen sooner than he is comfortable with. If that's the case, go for it. But please don't continue on this path - you could very well be setting yourself up for a serious fall.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
yes, i agree, legally it does look like adultry and i was thinking how would it effect dd. one co-worker who has a whiff of what is going on told her to call him "daddy" which of course, i really didn't like.
 

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If he's such a smart, neat guy, why would he want to get involved with a married woman with children? He would have to be either a moral creep or an absolute dolt. Now one of your co-workers knows you are making a play for this guy--aren't you worried that you could lose custody of your children? At the very least this has got to be bad for them emotionally.<br><br>
This isn't something that "legally looks like" adultery--it's adultery. You aren't divorced. If you aren't dissuaded on religious grounds, think about your kids!
 

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Well said, Captain.<br><br>
Janaan...i really think you are making a big mistake here. you cant wait for your divorce to be final? what about your kids? shouldnt their emotional health be your first priority? The emotional fallout froma divorce as far as kids goes is big. what you should be focusing on is how they are doing, and getting them through this in the best way that you can, and cheating (and thats what it is) isnt helping them. Right now this cant be about you, it needs to be about them. and if you cross that line and cheat on your husband, then you are cheating on your kids too. Call a friend, buy a vibrator. but stay focused on whats important, your kids!<br><br>
Again, please take this man's "no" for what it is, "no".
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
i will repeat this : i am only married on paper. there is nothing emotional between dh and i ( Only sex) and he does not know that. that fact has never come up in conversations. i saw him this morning and he seemed normal, not embarassed. do you guys think he doesn't want to get involved because of the kids? and dh is not smart enough to get custody of the kids . he wouldn't know how.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
or maybe he just thinks i'm not groovy. maybe he'd rather have a root canal than a roll with me in the sheets. Maybe i'm making too much of this.
 

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Maybe he wants more than a roll in the sheets with a married woman.<br><br>
Do not underestimate your husband. My brother just got full/sole custody of my niece, and my sil now has to pay child support. emotionally absent or not, you are still legally married. that paper is a legally binding document. whether you are emotionally checked out of the marriage is irrelevant in the eyes of the court and most people. wait until your divorce is final.
 

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My ex-husband got custody of our daughter, my oldest, at age 4. He had never so much a changed a diaper. When he sued me for custody my friends all thought he was kidding, I mean who would give him custody of a little kid? My big mistake. I had gone out of town one weekend with this guy who had the hots for me. Our dd was with him. He knew where I was and had a phone #. We had been separated for 9 months, living apart. I was an adulteress.<br><br>
I hope I don't sound judgemental. I mean no judgement. I also don't know you, just from here. But from your posts I hear you looking for something. Like searching. A new baby? A new man? Searching.<br><br>
Are you grieving? Have you given yourself time to come to terms with everything that you have gone through this last year? I know you have had more pain than anyone should. I wonder if this pain is driving you to search for comfort or answers outside of yourself?<br><br>
If you are living with your husband and having sex with your husband, you are living as a married couple. The courts would not care whether or not you were talking over coffee in the morning. They might ask, "Were you having sexual relations with your husband? Were you living under the same roof?"<br>
Yes and Yes. That means you are married.<br><br>
I am sorry you are stung over his rejection. Maybe it is a gift for you to take a bit more time.<br><br>
If none of this fits, just ignore me and I'll go away. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
don't go away, carmen. i love your advice, even if it is from south dakota and not san diego. just kidding. you are very insightful and i am very revealing. i've felt like for a while that i am entitled to something that i don't have: a baby, someone who cares about me and i care about them. i swear, cesar would not know how to get custody. Or i could be wrong. last night he asked if I would send dd to central america for a summer after we were divorced to spend time with him. i didn't answer him. i saw mr. wonderful when i dropped off dd. now he won't look me in the eye. oh well, his loss. and mine.
 

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Jannan and all other posters:<br><br>
As someone going through a divorce with an adulterer in the ever-so-lovely state of California (and neither of us is running for govenor, BTW<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> ), adultery matters not one whit! We are a no fault state and it does not matter *for the purposes of divorce*. HOWEVER, custody is a different matter. I am currently trying to sway the courts to have supervised visitation because two of my stb-x's mistresses have felony convictions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> One of them has been a childcare worker too! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!"> Don't want them near them near my kid, no way no how! Therefore, I am being a perfect *angel* no looking at men, always on time to daycare, baby is so clean he bloody well SHINES, you get the picture. OTH, the lawyer did warn me that if I tried too hard to keep visitation away from my stb-x, the court would look at that with a jaundiced eye. So, I have really, really, really good documentation. Boy, those county records online sure are handy!<br><br>
Nevertheless, Jannan, you're right, maybe it's his loss. Most men are pretty dumb and think with the little head, KWIM? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> Maybe this guy is smart enough and worth it enough to wait it out. Try again when the papers are finalized, six months in California, a short time in the whole scheme of things.<br><br>
Hey, I'm pretty lonely too. Wanna come over for a DVD and a movie tonight? Seriously, take care of yourself and your baby girl.
 
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