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Maybe I shouldn't be the one to stay home with her...

2K views 44 replies 29 participants last post by  Pepperdove 
#1 ·
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this... however being a SAHM seems to be the one thing underlying most of what I'm feeling right now, or at least the one constant, so it seemed like the best place to start. I don't often open threads, feel a little weird about seeking the input, advice, support I gladly give, and some of what I'm feeling comes from things I am definitely not proud of. In short, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and alone (I've no one I feel comfortable calling up to tell this to, or confide in, right now...)

Is this a common feeling among other SAHMs? Is this part of the SAHM experience? Or is it just part of the Mother experience or simply part of the Woman experience?

Thing is: I try to be, and for the most part think I am a pretty damned good mom. People I admire and respect think I'm a great mom. Family, peers, acquaintences all resoundingly agree, Tara does a bang-up job of it. But I'm having the kind of experience that makes me wonder if I'm cut out to do this... I'm having some serious anxiety and wondering if I'm "fit" to be a mom at all.

Dd is 2.5 and has earned the title of Pink Ninja. She is extremely verbal, articulate, agile, coordinated, into everything- make-up, lip-balm, eye-drops, toothpaste, you name it... She's a handful. She will deviously sneak around and nab things, and then sneak under the table and an instant later be found looking like Krusty the Klown with a toothpaste addiction.

Today started bad, with her finding and presenting to dh a lighter (I'm a Candle Lady, and a meditation guide, using incense and resins so I have a couple in my purse, some around the house) and my bag of copal (a resin from trees, used like incense). He came unhinged, but eventually let it go as a mistake to leave it out on my desk where she could climb up and get to it... As I walked him to the door for a kiss/hug on his way to work this morning, she came up behind me with Burt's Bee's Tinted lip balm all over her face, stringing my purse along... dh rolled his eyes and sighed, saying "You've got to watch her... you need to be more on it..." and walked away, getting in the car.

20 minutes later, I'm folding clothes, she's playing in her little kitchen right behind me and then I hear her scream, look to my left, and see her under the table, a bottle of NAIL GLUE in one hand, the lid in the other and one EYE STUCK SHUT, screaming... I instantly knew she thought it was eyedrops and put it in her eye... grabbed her and started flushing her eye in the kithcen sink, scanning the bottle for info afraid of the possibilities... it said in case of contact with eyes, flush with water for fifteen minutes........... This is one of the scariest moments of my life. Visions of trying to explain to Jon, and another trip to the ER flashed in my mind while I tried to be calm and soothing... We flushed and wiped, she screamed, water went up her nose, my heart pounded in my skull, I spoke quietly and firmly, pleading with her to trust mommy and try to be still... and little my little her eye came open, the redness faded and then she was telling me It's ok, it's gone now, see? I'm happy now see? It's ok, Mommy. I covered her other eye and asked if she could see me... did it hurt?... no swelling, no redness, cheerful baby... she's ok? She's fine... ok...

I know... I am soooo lucky. It could have been very bad. I feel horrible. I never would have thought she could or would reach up and back onto the counter like that... it feels like I failed her.

She has been to the ER 3 times in just under 2 years. Any time she is hurt I feel like it's my fault some how. It is not helpful that dh seems to share this feeling, blurting my name out whenever she falls or bumps her head or something, like "What were you doing? Why didn't you stop her??" He has gone as far as to ask why she only gets hurt around me. I responded to that by saying "I'm her mother, I'm around her more than anyone else, no one sees what I do in a week... no one. And if they did, they'd see the same as me... lots of bumps and scrapes and bruises and stumbling and getting into stuff..." I'm scared to death to tell him about the glue, especially since she's alright, and have half a mind not to.

This was a bad bad day... I feel awful.
: Any words?
 
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#2 ·
Oh, MAN, PrennaMama, do you need a
or what?!

I couldn't read and not post. I really, really don't think you should doubt your strength as a mom or as a sahm because of what you've posted here. Really, I don't. I have what could be described perfectly as a "ninja 2 yo", too. No ER trips, yet, but MAN have I had some days that sent my head spinning and my "what-if" machine going CRAZY
: ................ and I'm not even a sahm! I can only imagine the hair-raising things DS and I would get into if I were with him 24/7.

There was a post around here somewhere about your scariest moments as a mom.... there were some doozies in there. Pages and pages of those scary little things you would never in a million years think a kid would do (like glueing their eyes shut with nail glue while you're standing right next to them
: ), but it happens...... and it's more likely to happen when you're around if you're the one who's always around, yk?

I'd cut yourself some slack and take a deep breath. You and Pink Ninja will survive..... and you'll have tons of great stories to tell her when she's older.


My sisters and I still love to talk about how my middle sister broke her nose on the edge of the coffee table while pretending to be a spinning ballerina (SOOO GRACEFUL) or the time I painted my youngest sister's nose with red nail polish so she could be Rudolph in whatever reindeer game we were playing.... and then proceeded to spill an entire bottle of nail polish remover on the antique side table in the living room, destroying the wood finish completely in the process.
I have no idea where my mom was during any of that...........
:
 
#3 ·
Dh is a parent too, and should take responsibility for watching dd just as much as you when he is home.

I have a 2.5 yo dd who bathes in those little tubs of lip balm. I've found her with a tack in her mouth. She rubbed an entire tube of hydrocortizone cream on her body. Yesterday she stood up in the shopping cart with me right beside her, and she fell backward into the cart and bumped her head on the metal edge. She got into my purse and was chewing my nicotine gum. She has crawled through the doggie door and into the backyard without me knowing. We have a (fenced) pool. She painted the wood floor in my bedroom with pink nail polish.

When my older dd (she's survived to be 11) was 2.5, she jumped off her brothers' bunk bed and broke her leg.

Out of 4 kids, we've had 3 broken bones and numerous stitches.

BTW, I'm a fantastic mother, with 4 incredible kids.

Cut yourself some slack, and tell dh to do the same.
 
#4 ·
it's a learning experience for you and your daughter (my mom always used to tell me: "you didn't come with an instruction manual, y'know?")

I didn't know I needed a lock on the fridge until my kid dumped all the milk and the orange juice into one big puddle on the floor, I didn't know he could open the door to the bathroom until he came to me carrying a cat turd, I didn't realize he could reach that far onto the counter tops until he brought me an apple with a paring knife sticking out of it...

and every single day he can do a bit more...

there is absolutely no way to anticipate what they will get into next or to be omniciently vigilant about keeping every potential hazard out of their reach. It's impossible.

Heck sometimes he has to do things two or three times before it sinks in to me that I need to take action, maybe I'm a slow learner but he smeared about nine sticks of butter on separate occasions all over my kitchen before I actively decided to start keeping the butter dish in a new spot.

and all of this happens in a split second, while I'm changing my clothes or going to the bathroom, it's not like he's unattended for long periods of time.

accidents happen and they are gonna happen, you can do your best but you will not be able to prevent them all.

I really think your husband is being unrealistic or at least he's out of touch, hopefully he'll have a chance to see just how crafty she is and not blame you. If anything it's something to be proud of, she's a problem solver, she's independent, she figures things out...the last thing you want to do is stifle that.

Yes it's important to protect her from obvious harm...but you're only human.

I hope you feel better and more confident knowing that you are not alone!
 
#5 ·
I remember flying on an airline with dd when she was just under 2yo. Once we were in the air she wanted to play in the seat next to me. She refused to sit and was standing holding onto the seat back looking around. I relaxed for a second and started looking down at the magazine in front of me. Next thing I heard a thump and a scream and she had tumbled head first into the aisle
.

After I comforted her she once again wanted to be in the seat next to me. She was standing there and I was keeping an eye on her (this time). Suddenly a blanket came flying up the aisle, tossed by a passenger a few seats back. He was trying to make a cushion on the floor next to her seat for when she fell again
: .

Man, I felt like such a loser
. I had to sit for the entire flight looking at that stupid blanket on the floor next to us. We were in the front of the plane too, so pretty much everyone saw what was going on.

Well, that's my 'glue in the eyeball' story.
 
#7 ·
You can tell DH that even if he locks everything up and watches her like a hawk, stuff can still happen.

Tonight we had a friend over for dinner. DH was standing there talking to our friend when DD grabbed the keys out of his pocket and was inches away from the carbon monoxide detector (which is the only exposed outlet in the house) with the key extended, when DH grabbed her.

 
#8 ·
It can happen to anyone and, honestly, I think it happens to everyone! My scariest mom moment happened today.

I was in the kitchen, breaking down boxes to take to the recycling center. DS (2.5) had moved his learning tower over beside the sliding glass door. In the 5 seconds it took me to flatten a box (in the same room, just turned around) he wrapped the blinds cord around his neck!!!
It's a good thing I was right there or it could have been really bad. The cord (to the vertical blinds on the sliding glass door) had been looped up out of the way but when he stood on his tiptoes on his learning tower he could barely reach it and pull it down.

So believe me when I say it happens to all of us.
 
#9 ·
Couldn't read and not post--I think we all get a little of this "shouldn't you be handling this?" business once in a while as SAHMs. And there's a hint (never spoken aloud) of disbelief when you say it happened in an instant and you were just peeing. As though they suspect you were eating bonbons and watching soaps while the kids were running amuck!

Has DH spent time alone at home with dd lately? Perhaps it's time for a long couple of hours of that. Make sure she's well rested, has had a good snack, and you need him to complete one task--maybe leave before he's dressed so he has to do that while entertaining her?


Don't beat yourself up over this. My older son used to pee in places--well after he was potty trained: in the tray of the easel, on my (made) bed, in the toybox--he'd pull his pants down and go, in an instant.

Oh--and I vote, don't tell him until your confidence is back and you can take his (seemingly inevitable)criticism without feeling crappy.
 
#10 ·
I have had more things happen to my 2 kids than I can remember right now. I was once told by a mom that you have to literally watch your kids 24/7 and when I told her that was impossible she basicly told me i was stupid. But come on I have had things happen to dd and ds litteraly in the blink of a eye. It is all part of having kids. And I do believe what my mom said now about grey hairs and kids
 
#11 ·
So do you other SAHMs feel like because you're physically "on duty" for longer periods of time than anyone else, there's this unspoken expectation that you should be able to prevent these things from happening? And anything that does happen is gonna go on your record, or something? I'm sure there're WOHMs who feel like this, too, but it seems like the SAHM gig has that added pressure...

The reason I posted wondering if I should even be the one home with her, is because I honestly make a sincere (albeit somewhat spotty at times) go of the Take Care of Everything and Everyone Starting With Child and Including Chores Food Bills scenario, and dh has had times where he will come home and in the space of an hour, he will empty the dish washer, rinse dishes, load them, finish cooking the dinner I prepped, clean up the kitchen, fold some clothes and have some play with dd, all right before eating dinner... which makes me feel like with my 8-10 hours/day, I ought to have gotten a LOT more done. And he'll voice that, too, saying, "Wow... didn't get around to much today huh?"... and he does such a good job with her... I almost wonder if he wouldn't be the better at home parent.
It's the plan eventually... The only thing preventing us from doing it that way now, is that his earning potential is greater than mine right now... in 10 years that won't be the case, but now it is...

Quote:
Sali
Oh--and I vote, don't tell him until your confidence is back and you can take his (seemingly inevitable)criticism without feeling crappy.
Thank you for that, really... I needed it. I'm afraid to tell him... but I know I will at some point... when, like you said, I have my confidence back... when I can relate it in terms of how quickly, calmy, and efficiently I reacted, and how she was fine, and good thing I know first aid, and all that... but I'm not quite there yet.

I sure do appreciate the support, ladies... I had a good friend call when I was just finishing the OP and I was sobbing and she asked what was up... I blurted it all out begging her not to tell anyone, and she was like "Yeah, it's just a lesson learned. Now you know to really watch her and be more on it... I know our styles are different (she's mainstream... kinda... very strict... when she says our styles are different it's her way of saying I'm a push-over) but you'll learn to be more on it about what she can and can't be into." I felt all defensive and was compelled to explain, "It's not like I'd ever LET her handle nail glue, girl... and it HAD been across the room, up and away... she snuck it, stashed it, waited for an opportunity and went to her sneaky spot... Had I seen her with it before she stuck it in her eye, she would've been strongly admonished that this is not for her hands, and it would've been put up and away even higher..." She was like, "Well you're a good mom... just remember to be more watchful..."

I was upset all over again, and a bit terrified as to the response I'd get here, if my semi-mainstream friend whom I'm always advising thought I needed parenting advice...

The understanding you all have given me really hit the spot... I can't thank you for your kind words enough!
 
#12 ·
I have found it absolutely impossible to have an eye on a child every single moment of the day. No matter how you child proof and put things away, children have a tendency to grow
Something that was beyond their reach quite suddenly isn't!!! Some children are naturally more into things too.
The point is accidents happen. Bumps bruises, the occasional bigger deal like nail glue sometimes happen. You learn, you make a couple of changes, and you try not to beat yourself up too bad. I'm sorry you feel your Dh is so critical, but maybe he doesn't realize how hard it is to watch a really active child like that with no help all day every day. Maybe he needs a hint
 
#13 ·
s mama, BIG HUGS!!! BTDT!! I know the whole Trying to Do Everything routine and y'know what, it just can't be done. DH can be the same way about coming home and getting so much done in a short amount of time, but let me let you in on a secret...

Last year I got really sick, had a kidney infection and was basically out of commission for 3 days. Couldn't get up off the couch, could barely nurse the kiddos. DH took time off of work to help out. My mom brought over dinner for 2 of the nights, and I REALLY thought that DH was going to show me up. Know what I saw? DD walking around w/out a bib and drool all over her shirt (never happened when I have her), NO laundry done for 3 straight days (had to do it when I got better), the kids sitting in wet diapers for longer than *I* would normally let them, instead of the toys being put away in their proper spots they were piled in corners in all the rooms (out of the way, but still, just in piles), and so much more. DH had a hard time keeping up w/ doing the day to day stuff that I had a hard time keeping up w/, too.

It's easy when you're away from the situation all day to come home, sweep in, and be the "rescuer". You're refreshed. You haven't listened to a 2yo whine for a certain toy for over an hour, or pulled said 2yo down off the dining room table away from the centerpiece more times than you can count. Yes, you may be tired from the job you were doing, but it's a different job than what you're coming home to. As SAHMs, we do the same work, 24 HOURS/day, 7 days/week. There's really no variation of our work. So it wears on us sometimes.

BTW~ My little brother is 2yo. 2 months ago, while at a McD's playplace, he broke his leg falling from one of the platforms and had to be in a 1/2 body cast for 5weeks. My dad really gave it to my mom about the "where were you? This wouldn't have happened if I was there,
"

Last week while DH, my 3yo and 17mo, and I were visiting them, my 17mo DD was riding a kids power wheels 4 wheeler around their house. My dad was standing only a few feet from her and in an instance, she rode that 4 wheeler down a flight of stairs, flipping it and having it fall over on her. He was RIGHT THERE. I don't blame him in the least, but I pointed out how quickly accidents happen, even when we *think* we're aware and watching.
 
#14 ·
I just wanted to add that I think some kids have more of a natural sense of curiousity and dare-devil spirit than others (and those are GOOD qualities!). DS's best friend is just about the same age and has gotten hurt way more than he has-- not because his mom doesn't watch him, but because DS is a pretty laid back kid and his friend is just into everything, all the time! It's just different personality traits. Also, I don't think hovering over your DD all the time for fear that something will happen is healthy, either! My DH tends to be a hoverer and he doesn't understand why DS gets injured more on "my" watch... um, because 1) I watch him much more than DH does so obviously more things happen during the course of the day than in the few hours in the evening/on weekends when DH has him exclusively and 2) I prefer not to hover-- I like DS to feel a sense of independence and not be afraid to try things on his own (especially since by nature he is more of an observer than a risk taker). I have a feeling that if DH was watching DS all day long while also attempting to do things like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc, DH would find himself in the same situation. I bet it's the same for your DH.
Everyone has a bad day-- don't beat yourself up about it! Glad your DD was ok!
 
#16 ·
I think you should post this on the toddler board. There are many with Nija's around here.

My son has:

-Scaled the pantry shelves to get to his "treats".

-"Poured" himself half a gallon of OJ on the couch when I was 8mo pregnant (dh left work early to clean this one up).

-Climbed the counter to get the cupcakes at the top of the fridge.

-Climbed the counter and got liquid bandage out of a cabinet and drank it (poison control wasn't concerned
).

-Removed all the eggs from the fridge.

-Carried some eggs behind the dog kennel and "played" with them.

-Poured all my lemon juice onto the kennel.

-Eats the Parmeasan cheese straight from the bottle.

-Pulled all of the shredded paper from the shredder.

-Destroyed all my make-up/face cream in our bathroom.

-Puts full rolls of toilet paper in the toilet and flushes.

-Drinks his bathwater and/or pours it onto the floor.

-Eats hand soap.

-Pulled down the blinds in his room.

-Pulled down the valence.

-Emptied the linen closet.

-Took pens off our desk and drew on his sheets.

-(At Nana's) sneaked into BIL's room and removed all the tumbtacks and left them all over the floor.

Several of these have happened more than once. Tell your dh to take ds into work and see how much he gets done.
 
#17 ·
Oh, I forgot that ds will also (before we installed magnetic locks) reach into the child locked cabinet and drink windex and bleach
: .

Dh was annoyed that I wanted all these childlocks but I am here all day and keeping on him ALL THE TIME to stay out of the cabinets is exhausting.

Maybe your dh should take a couple days "vacation" next to a weekend and you keep all your chores for him. If, after that he is still a homemaking wiz tell him that you don't operate the same way as he does and you don't want to hear anymore complaints
.
 
#18 ·
First of all you need a


Sorry to put this so bluntly but your dh is being a j*ck*ss. When's the last time he spent time alone with your dd and what did she do?

You have a very challenging child. You're doing your best. She's not acting that way because of what you're doing-that's just the kind of kid she is.
 
#20 ·
I forgot to say that my dd ate the dog's flea pill. At least she doesn't scratch behind her ears with her foot anymore.

Give yourself a break about the housework, too. If dh can get more done when he gets home, more power to him. Focus on doing the necessities, and enjoying each day with dd.
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by 2bluefish View Post
A few weeks ago dh came home to find me crying and insisting that I was not the right person to care for dd (30 months) is there any way we could pay for daycare?! I'm not a fan of this age at all, but at least it can't last forever!


Quote:

Originally Posted by i'mmykid'$mom View Post
I think you should post this on the toddler board. There are many with Nija's around here.

My son has:

-Climbed the counter and got liquid bandage out of a cabinet and drank it (poison control wasn't concerned
).This and the Windex business would send me over the top I think!!

-Pulled all of the shredded paper from the shredder.Ok, afraid of the shredder! Saw a TLC Special about a kid who lost her hadn to one...

-Puts full rolls of toilet paper in the toilet and flushes.Dd likes to stuff tampons into the hole in the water, soaking herself in toilet water up to her armpits, and THEN flush...

Several of these have happened more than once. Tell your dh to take ds into work and see how much he gets done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by marybethorama View Post
First of all you need a


Sorry to put this so bluntly but your dh is being a j*ck*ss. When's the last time he spent time alone with your dd and what did she do?

You have a very challenging child. You're doing your best. She's not acting that way because of what you're doing-that's just the kind of kid she is.
Thank you thank you thank you! Validation really is an extraordiary thing! She really is just a total freak!
She's like the illegitimate love-child descendant of Houdini and Evil Keneval. It's like living on Fear Factor some days...

Quote:

Originally Posted by RBinTEX View Post
I forgot to say that my dd ate the dog's flea pill. At least she doesn't scratch behind her ears with her foot anymore.

Give yourself a break about the housework, too. If dh can get more done when he gets home, more power to him. Focus on doing the necessities, and enjoying each day with dd.
:
: Okay the images of a little girl trying to scratch behind her ear with her foot... that cracked me up...

We just went to Baby Loves Disco today, and danced it up and had a great time... on the way home she was melting down abit (tired, over-stimulated a bit, and ready for nap...) and started saying "It was glue... it was glue..." The hairs on the back of my neck went up and I bit my tongue... she said..."It was in my eye... and it was like an owie..." Thank GAWD that dh was oblivious to it... I just started singing to the radio... good lord.
 
#22 ·
Sounds to me like you are just being initiated into the sahm fraternity,
.

I think that it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed and have insecurities as a mama, but to me you sound like you are doing a great job. Parenting is just as much about cleaning up the messes as averting them. You are attentive enough to be very responsive to your dd and humble enough to admit you aren't perfect. Just use the rough times as lessons learned, improve where you can, and remember that just like you are trying to raise a great little person she is molding you into a better person too.

Know that you have support.

Know that motherhood is a great gift that requires every ounce of you, but pays you back with great interest.

And know that you have been blessed with you lo because someone up there knows you can do it.
 
#23 ·


I absolutely understand, because I've got a little pink ninja myself. We've had some of those scary ER visits, too, including one surgery to retrieve a coin lodged in her throat. She grabbed a stray penny out of the bottom of my purse and swallowed it while my mom was watching her while we unloaded the car from a trip.

Everything even remotely dangerous had to be up and under keyed locks. We've also had to double gate every room that isn't baby-proofed and even install keyed locks on both sides of all exterior doors- in order to get OUT of the house, you have to have a key.

It will pass. We now no longer have to baby gate most of the house and she now leaves the bathroom stuff alone. We do continue to use the locks on the exterior doors, though, just in case. And we do still have to watch her like a hawk even with safe things. She's not destructive, just very, very inquisitive.

I always had people say I must be lax with my kids, until they either watched my daughter or came over to the house for a visit. Then they changed their tune. LOL
 
#24 ·
hugs mama.

My ds is a wild one and I fear my dd is even going to be worse....
I don't know if I want to term it wild because the way I see it is they are testing their world out and they are bound to get into trouble sometimes!

You can not be all places at all times. YOUR dh will not understand this and dh gets after me all the time too.

I caught dd sucking on matches.
Ds climbs my counters everyday.
He wets tp and throws it at the ceiling every chance he gets. It is icky and a pain to get down. and SOMETIMES - I just leave it there.
He peed behind my tv.
he climbed into my dryer
he draws on my walls.
on the floor, on the sheets- wherever he can.
When he was 2 he would find lipstick all the time- like everyday and PAINT his face with it.
My husband paints and he gets into these toxic paints- all too often and paints himself.
He dumped out an entire bag of flour and they played in it. It was a huge mess to clean up- and awful.
He routinely dumps out my shampoo and soap.
he gets the sugar off the counter if I leave it out and hides it in his room and eats it.

You are fit to be a mom hon- it is just a REALLY hard job!
Especially at this age. There is no way to prevent everything and lots of times you just have to laugh. I am glad dd's eye is okay and I too think you should just wait to tell dh....
And then once you get stronger work with him on how his comments make you feel and how unwarranted they are.
Em
 
#25 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Emilie View Post
He dumped out an entire bag of flour and they played in it. It was a huge mess to clean up- and awful.


You reminded me of the time we had made cookies and I put away almost everything. I put them in the playroom and went to the bathroom. In the time it took me to pee, she opened up the gate got ahold of the big cannister of baking cocoa, dumped it all over the floor and they proceeded to play in it. When I returned to the kitchen, they were both covered head to toe in it, and the entire kitchen floor was brown. I was vacuuming cocoa out from under the appliances for weeks.
 
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