I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this... however being a SAHM seems to be the one thing underlying most of what I'm feeling right now, or at least the one constant, so it seemed like the best place to start. I don't often open threads, feel a little weird about seeking the input, advice, support I gladly give, and some of what I'm feeling comes from things I am definitely not proud of. In short, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and alone (I've no one I feel comfortable calling up to tell this to, or confide in, right now...)
Is this a common feeling among other SAHMs? Is this part of the SAHM experience? Or is it just part of the Mother experience or simply part of the Woman experience?
Thing is: I try to be, and for the most part think I am a pretty damned good mom. People I admire and respect think I'm a great mom. Family, peers, acquaintences all resoundingly agree, Tara does a bang-up job of it. But I'm having the kind of experience that makes me wonder if I'm cut out to do this... I'm having some serious anxiety and wondering if I'm "fit" to be a mom at all.
Dd is 2.5 and has earned the title of Pink Ninja. She is extremely verbal, articulate, agile, coordinated, into everything- make-up, lip-balm, eye-drops, toothpaste, you name it... She's a handful. She will deviously sneak around and nab things, and then sneak under the table and an instant later be found looking like Krusty the Klown with a toothpaste addiction.
Today started bad, with her finding and presenting to dh a lighter (I'm a Candle Lady, and a meditation guide, using incense and resins so I have a couple in my purse, some around the house) and my bag of copal (a resin from trees, used like incense). He came unhinged, but eventually let it go as a mistake to leave it out on my desk where she could climb up and get to it... As I walked him to the door for a kiss/hug on his way to work this morning, she came up behind me with Burt's Bee's Tinted lip balm all over her face, stringing my purse along... dh rolled his eyes and sighed, saying "You've got to watch her... you need to be more on it..." and walked away, getting in the car.
20 minutes later, I'm folding clothes, she's playing in her little kitchen right behind me and then I hear her scream, look to my left, and see her under the table, a bottle of NAIL GLUE in one hand, the lid in the other and one EYE STUCK SHUT, screaming... I instantly knew she thought it was eyedrops and put it in her eye... grabbed her and started flushing her eye in the kithcen sink, scanning the bottle for info afraid of the possibilities... it said in case of contact with eyes, flush with water for fifteen minutes........... This is one of the scariest moments of my life. Visions of trying to explain to Jon, and another trip to the ER flashed in my mind while I tried to be calm and soothing... We flushed and wiped, she screamed, water went up her nose, my heart pounded in my skull, I spoke quietly and firmly, pleading with her to trust mommy and try to be still... and little my little her eye came open, the redness faded and then she was telling me It's ok, it's gone now, see? I'm happy now see? It's ok, Mommy. I covered her other eye and asked if she could see me... did it hurt?... no swelling, no redness, cheerful baby... she's ok? She's fine... ok...
I know... I am soooo lucky. It could have been very bad. I feel horrible. I never would have thought she could or would reach up and back onto the counter like that... it feels like I failed her.
She has been to the ER 3 times in just under 2 years. Any time she is hurt I feel like it's my fault some how. It is not helpful that dh seems to share this feeling, blurting my name out whenever she falls or bumps her head or something, like "What were you doing? Why didn't you stop her??" He has gone as far as to ask why she only gets hurt around me. I responded to that by saying "I'm her mother, I'm around her more than anyone else, no one sees what I do in a week... no one. And if they did, they'd see the same as me... lots of bumps and scrapes and bruises and stumbling and getting into stuff..." I'm scared to death to tell him about the glue, especially since she's alright, and have half a mind not to.
This was a bad bad day... I feel awful.
: Any words?
Is this a common feeling among other SAHMs? Is this part of the SAHM experience? Or is it just part of the Mother experience or simply part of the Woman experience?
Thing is: I try to be, and for the most part think I am a pretty damned good mom. People I admire and respect think I'm a great mom. Family, peers, acquaintences all resoundingly agree, Tara does a bang-up job of it. But I'm having the kind of experience that makes me wonder if I'm cut out to do this... I'm having some serious anxiety and wondering if I'm "fit" to be a mom at all.
Dd is 2.5 and has earned the title of Pink Ninja. She is extremely verbal, articulate, agile, coordinated, into everything- make-up, lip-balm, eye-drops, toothpaste, you name it... She's a handful. She will deviously sneak around and nab things, and then sneak under the table and an instant later be found looking like Krusty the Klown with a toothpaste addiction.
Today started bad, with her finding and presenting to dh a lighter (I'm a Candle Lady, and a meditation guide, using incense and resins so I have a couple in my purse, some around the house) and my bag of copal (a resin from trees, used like incense). He came unhinged, but eventually let it go as a mistake to leave it out on my desk where she could climb up and get to it... As I walked him to the door for a kiss/hug on his way to work this morning, she came up behind me with Burt's Bee's Tinted lip balm all over her face, stringing my purse along... dh rolled his eyes and sighed, saying "You've got to watch her... you need to be more on it..." and walked away, getting in the car.
20 minutes later, I'm folding clothes, she's playing in her little kitchen right behind me and then I hear her scream, look to my left, and see her under the table, a bottle of NAIL GLUE in one hand, the lid in the other and one EYE STUCK SHUT, screaming... I instantly knew she thought it was eyedrops and put it in her eye... grabbed her and started flushing her eye in the kithcen sink, scanning the bottle for info afraid of the possibilities... it said in case of contact with eyes, flush with water for fifteen minutes........... This is one of the scariest moments of my life. Visions of trying to explain to Jon, and another trip to the ER flashed in my mind while I tried to be calm and soothing... We flushed and wiped, she screamed, water went up her nose, my heart pounded in my skull, I spoke quietly and firmly, pleading with her to trust mommy and try to be still... and little my little her eye came open, the redness faded and then she was telling me It's ok, it's gone now, see? I'm happy now see? It's ok, Mommy. I covered her other eye and asked if she could see me... did it hurt?... no swelling, no redness, cheerful baby... she's ok? She's fine... ok...
I know... I am soooo lucky. It could have been very bad. I feel horrible. I never would have thought she could or would reach up and back onto the counter like that... it feels like I failed her.
She has been to the ER 3 times in just under 2 years. Any time she is hurt I feel like it's my fault some how. It is not helpful that dh seems to share this feeling, blurting my name out whenever she falls or bumps her head or something, like "What were you doing? Why didn't you stop her??" He has gone as far as to ask why she only gets hurt around me. I responded to that by saying "I'm her mother, I'm around her more than anyone else, no one sees what I do in a week... no one. And if they did, they'd see the same as me... lots of bumps and scrapes and bruises and stumbling and getting into stuff..." I'm scared to death to tell him about the glue, especially since she's alright, and have half a mind not to.
This was a bad bad day... I feel awful.