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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My friend J is in a really unhealthy relationship and is letting herself be treated like a doormat IMO. It's tough because I do really care about her, but I find myself angry and frustrated at her.<br><br>
Today she told me that she has "something going on"...which I'm pretty sure means she's pregnant (I had a dream last night she was pg). She's already been pg once with this guy (terminated) and has since found out he's gotten four women pg in the last two years (she also knows for sure he's lied to her and cheated on her). She wants a baby *so* badly.<br><br>
Why can I not put my judgement aside? I have been struggling with this situation for months now...it's sort of eating me up inside. I feel like I just dont' know how to be a good friend to her because I'm so frustrated and angry and don't respect her choices at the moment.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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You're worried about her because you know what he's like. As a friend you have a right to tell her you don't think he's good for her, but you'll support her in whatever her choices are. Then, if she chooses him, try not to criticize, cuz she's really gonna need you if or when it blows up, right?<br><br>
If you were a bad friend you'd set her up with losers, or applaud her decision to hang with this guy.<br><br>
Follow your conscience, and remember, even if she took it the wrong way and ended the friendship, eventually she would realize what a great friend you were to her.<br><br>
8)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks, Bigeyes.<br>
She already knows how I fell about him. And, unfortunately, it's been "blowing up" for a long time! It's constant drama with them, and over the last few months for her it's been:<br>
"I just want to know if he's lying to me. Then I'll leave". Well, guess what? She found out he's been lying to her.<br>
Then: "I just want to know if he's cheating on me. Then I'll leave". Well, guess what? See above.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">
 

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The only reason she would continue to stay with someone who is treating her like this is because she has very little self-esteem. If you are her friend, help her see the amazing qualities within herself. Help her to feel like she has other choices, like she is worthy of so much more and that she has other options.<br><br>
It is tough to watch someone we love do such self-destructive things.
 

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i think, realistically all you can do is be there for her and support her in her feelings and focus on being there for her for as long as you can.<br><br>
the pp's posters are right - you are a good friend
 

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can you pull back your relationship with her?<br><br>
when she discusses him say something small..'like well, I know you'll figure your way through it.." and then change the subject?<br><br>
I ask because she may get a good vent when she calls you...where as she might need to use that vent elsewhere...like with her guy. so if she no longer gets the vent it will push her to figure a way out..kwim?
 

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no advice-just sympathy as i'm going through the same set of issues with a friend of mine.<br><br>
several years ago, i gave her a place to stay to escape an very abusive relationship with her bf. a week ago, i go over to her house to drop off a b-day invitation and sure enough, her ex was there. she started telling me that he was "mentally ill" and "on medication now"-therefore justifying his abuse and she's wanting me to approve of this and all the while i'm thinking "why are you even dragging me into this". i have to detach from the whole thing and i'm trying not to judge bit to have compassion-but it's so hard.<br>
and i'm sitting there watching him play with her son (eww) and clean her house (to try to look good) and i start feeling so angry with her. she's had other issues as well-such as substance abuse-so i keep my distance from her-<br>
i get really, really tired of her bs-and i really DO NOT want this person at my house. i'm debating over how to communicate this with her.<br><br>
i have been in an abusive marriage-so this is really triggering alot in me right now...<br>
i love her but for my own well being i have to maintain a healthy distance from her and her problems. this has been going on for years.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tracy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922057"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">can you pull back your relationship with her?<br><br>
when she discusses him say something small..'like well, I know you'll figure your way through it.." and then change the subject?<br><br>
I ask because she may get a good vent when she calls you...where as she might need to use that vent elsewhere...like with her guy. so if she no longer gets the vent it will push her to figure a way out..kwim?</div>
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^^^GOOD ADVICE^^^<br><br>
I've been there before...too many times.<br><br>
I had at least three friends at different points of my life like that... They would continually complain and get into crazy dramas, but never made any attempt to proactively change their situation. On one hand, I wanted so very much be a loyal friend and listen or offer help. However, their drama and negativity was very draining--especially when they called me at all hours to gripe or ask to be rescued (ex- asking me to take their pets or let them move in). I really didn't want to judge, but it was like they were looking to be "rescued" or to get attention instead of helping themselves out.<br><br>
Since I never stood my ground with bounderies, things built up and I became very angry. That anger turned explosive, and now I have a few less friends because of it...granted they probably weren't the best friends, but neither was I in the end. I was kind of a passive-aggressive doormat. I could have handled things better if I took breaks from them, or even if I was honest with them about getting burned out.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>acupuncturemomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7918268"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My friend J is in a really unhealthy relationship and is letting herself be treated like a doormat IMO. It's tough because I do really care about her, but I find myself angry and frustrated at her.<br><br>
Today she told me that she has "something going on"...which I'm pretty sure means she's pregnant (I had a dream last night she was pg). She's already been pg once with this guy (terminated) and has since found out he's gotten four women pg in the last two years (she also knows for sure he's lied to her and cheated on her). She wants a baby *so* badly.<br><br>
Why can I not put my judgement aside? I have been struggling with this situation for months now...it's sort of eating me up inside. I feel like I just dont' know how to be a good friend to her because I'm so frustrated and angry and don't respect her choices at the moment.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
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I have been through this almost exact situation. And unfortunatly I finally had to end the friendship because I was stressed out so much with HER drama that it was invading my own life.<br>
In my experience with my friend, who is ALSO J, she wanted a baby so bad because she felt that was the only way to get someone to truly love her unconditionally...unfortunatly they turn out to be frustrating to watch them parent too because they continually put their needs above their childs and place them in lots of situations that a child shouldnt be in (like dating lots of men and letting them all meet the kiddo).<br>
(((hugs))) and good luck in all of this mess. You are a good friend, and that is why it is so hard for you. I felt bad cutting ties with my friend, but I knew that if I didnt, my family was going to suffer for it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tracy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922057"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">when she discusses him say something small..'like well, I know you'll figure your way through it.." and then change the subject?<br><br>
I ask because she may get a good vent when she calls you...where as she might need to use that vent elsewhere...like with her guy. so if she no longer gets the vent it will push her to figure a way out..kwim?</div>
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</tr></table></div>
This sounds like a great idea, and actually we've already been becoming more distant--mostly because she is "embarassed to tell" me certain details of her life lately. She even said herself, "I guess that's a sign things aren't so great".<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Anyway, I guess it's inevitable that we will grow apart if I use the "change-the-subject" strategy, because what is left to talk about when avoiding the key, deep parts of one's life?<br>
It's so unfortunate--she really has been a good friend to me. I always knew her to be a responsible, strong, grounded woman. She's just really out of balance right now, due IMO to not having dealt with her past family baggage.
 

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You know, I hate to say this, but you can't make her love herself enough to get herself out of that situation.<br><br>
This is what I would do, "I'm really struggling, watching you allow yourself to be disrespected like this. I would like to not talk about it anymore. I want you to know that you have me to turn to about it when you decide to get out and be treated the way you genuinely deserve. Until then, I would prefer not to know about it."<br><br>
She either will find a place of self-love, or she won't. You can't push her to it, all you can do is let her know that IF SHE FINDS IT, you will be there to help and support.<br><br>
But that in the meantime, you refuse to keep hurting yourself by watching a dear friend mistreat herself. Because it DOES hurt to do that.
 
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