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My friend J is in a really unhealthy relationship and is letting herself be treated like a doormat IMO. It's tough because I do really care about her, but I find myself angry and frustrated at her.<br><br>
Today she told me that she has "something going on"...which I'm pretty sure means she's pregnant (I had a dream last night she was pg). She's already been pg once with this guy (terminated) and has since found out he's gotten four women pg in the last two years (she also knows for sure he's lied to her and cheated on her). She wants a baby *so* badly.<br><br>
Why can I not put my judgement aside? I have been struggling with this situation for months now...it's sort of eating me up inside. I feel like I just dont' know how to be a good friend to her because I'm so frustrated and angry and don't respect her choices at the moment.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I KNOW I'm being judgemental. Is it always wrong?
 

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Question, are you being judgemental about her or judgemental about him?<br><br>
Being judgemental about abusers is totally normal.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>acupuncturemomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7916121"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Why can I not put my judgement aside? I have been struggling with this situation for months now...it's sort of eating me up inside. I feel like I just dont' know how to be a good friend to her because I'm so frustrated and angry and don't respect her choices at the moment.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I KNOW I'm being judgemental. Is it always wrong?</div>
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Your friend's behavior is totally judgeworthy. It looks like she's made, and continues to make, some very bad decisions.<br><br>
Judge away!
 

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It's natural for us to judge. It's the process of discernment which allows us to navigate through life. The problem comes when we stay stuck in that feeling.<br><br>
You don't like her choices. That sounds pretty reasonable. What's next?<br><br>
I think there's a control aspect to this. We don't like somebody's choices, and we REALLY want the choices to be different... for all the best reasons. And so we stay there, and we stay there, and we stay there, and we get all clenched up about it... and their choices haven't changed! So we get even more clenched up about it... etc, etc, etc. And it still doesn't change! So we get even more...<br><br>
You get the idea. Sometimes it's a matter of letting go of somebody else's decisions and focusing back on our own. I dunno about other people but often when I'm focusing on somebody else's decisions it's because I'm avoiding something of my own.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sphinxie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7916255"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think there's a control aspect to this. We don't like somebody's choices, and we REALLY want the choices to be different... for all the best reasons. And so we stay there, and we stay there, and we stay there, and we get all clenched up about it... and their choices haven't changed! So we get even more clenched up about it... etc, etc, etc. And it still doesn't change! So we get even more...<br><br>
You get the idea. Sometimes it's a matter of letting go of somebody else's decisions and focusing back on our own. I dunno about other people but often when I'm focusing on somebody else's decisions it's because I'm avoiding something of my own.</div>
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Yes, yes, and yes. This is how it feels.<br>
Interesting thought...I can't think of anything I'm avoiding right now. I'll chew on that for a while...<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sapphire_chan</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7916186"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Question, are you being judgemental about her or judgemental about him?</div>
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Probably both...<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Manena</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7916217"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Your friend's behavior is totally judgeworthy. It looks like she's made, and continues to make, some very bad decisions.<br><br>
Judge away!</div>
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Ok--sure. But how do I continue a friendship with her if she is upset by my judgement?<br>
I feel like she's not the perosn I thought I knew. When I met her she was in a stable, healthy relationship and I saw her as a strong woman--admired her. I'm so disappointed that she'd participate in such an unhealthy relationship and resort to immature behavior like snooping, following her boyfriend, etc...not to mention things like her paying for his bills and driving him everywhere at the expense of her own self.<br>
She KNOWS that it's not a healthy situation yet she continues in it...
 

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Well, maybe you can't continue the friendship. If you don't admire/respect someone, why would you WANT to have a friendship?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoctorGirlfriend</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922740"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, maybe you can't continue the friendship. If you don't admire/respect someone, why would you WANT to have a friendship?</div>
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Exactly.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DoctorGirlfriend</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7922740"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, maybe you can't continue the friendship. If you don't admire/respect someone, why would you WANT to have a friendship?</div>
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Yup. I had a friend like this too.. she continually made bad choices, and continually turned to me to help her out of them. But I felt used after a while. Maybe there was a control issue between the two of us (I did get upset that she just basically ignored my advice after she sought it out so blatently) but we have drifted apart over the years because I don't feel like we share the same values anymore.<br><br>
Ultimately I kept getting annoyed by her actions.. so maybe I was in the wrong as well, but like the pp said, if you don't respect someone, it's hard to count them as a friend, YK?
 
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