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I am so sad
: . I have a beautiful family and should feel blessed. I am the mom of 4 GORGOUS kids who are all healthy and happy. I am happy with my kids, but alwyas imagined having this BIG family. DH and I joked that if we got to 10 we would quit. Now though, as I was sitting nursing the baby to sleep I am realizing that maybe she will be my last. I have such mixed feelings about it and it saddens me just to think about it. Am I crazy?

My last baby was an emergency C-section after a planned homebirth that turned into an immergent induction that railroaded me into an emergency C-section. It was my first C-section and was very traumatic. At the same time my husband was falling down a slippery slope of depression that in the spring put him in the hospital and even to this day he still is not the man that I married. I feel as though this last baby pushed him over the edge.

I am a nursing student and will be graduating (finally) in May with my RN. I have so many things I want to do. I have struggled for year with trying to balance being a mommy, being pregnant, and being a good student. I find myself in the midst of a battle right now trying to juggle it all and at times just feel like I am falling to pieces. There is never enough seconds in the day to get everything done. Someone is always getting short changed, and I do not ever get to think at all about myself. My husband was also in nursing school and he dropped out because of the stress of trying to support all of us and struggling with school.

I have so much I want to do with my life. I want to get my Master's degree and I want to have money. For the 10 years we have been married we have hardly had 2 pennies to rub together. We have come close to loosing our apartment, our car, etc. Our kids have always had what they needed, but we have never had the extras. Not that money is important, but I want to give my husband a comfortable life.

I worry though that I might look away from having a baby now and regret it later. I worry that though now I say that Sarah might be my last that maybe I am going to feel a void later. I have had infertility issues and had to take numerous medications to get pregnant with my last 3 and all of my pregnancies have had complications ( I am diabetic). Waiting and thinking that years down the road I might change my mind, might lead me to heartache and disappintment when I no longer can conceive. I am 28 now and I have spent my 20's going to school and having babies.

I am so scared because the future is so new for me. Eight months from now I will have a career and be supporting my family. I look forward to having the chance to let my husband go to school and for me to support him for a little bit, but I guess I just wonder when you really know that you are satisfied with your children and family size. At times when I am begging for 20 minutes of quiet to study I think that I could not imagine having any more...but then there are the moments late at night when I look into a room at a sleeping kid, or I look down at Sarah all cuddled in my arms as she nurses to sleep and I cannot help thinking that I could do this 100 more times and still want more.

Alicia
 

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Hey Alicia, I had tears in my eyes reading your post.
for all you and your family have been going through over the last year or so. I know you had to have fertility tx to conceive, but you still have a few good years. I think I would try to relax (!!!) and enjoy your babes and do the best you can in your studies. The decision does not have to be made TODAY on whether or not to have another child. Perhaps in two or so years your family life will have settled down (kids a bit older) and you will be used to working and maybe dh will even be done school and hopefully not struggling as much with depression - things could be really different. Nursing is a flexible career as far as things go, so if you decide on another child, maybe a part-time or per diem schedule would work for you for a few years.

I think that it sounds like you are trying to plan your whole life TODAY and I totally get obsessive like that, too, and want to tell you as I have to tell myself just to live for today for now. You are not ready for another babe NOW and you aren't ready to say you are done NOW so just do the next thing...care for your kids/home/husband and do your schoolwork. I think goals and planning are great, but you now is probably not the best time to make the "is this my last baby" decision. FWIW, I go back and forth on whether this little guy will be my last, too, and have decided to just take a break from worrying about it for a while.

again, mama. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother who loves her family very much!!

Tracey
 

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Awww. I only have 2 (not including my angel) and they were all c sections and I'd do it all over again...and I will ...
Just follow your heart
 
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