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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't really know what I'm looking for here....please bear with me.
I feel as though I am still pretty young (26), married dh when I was 22, and we have one little boy (my world
). Lately I am feeling really down about our realtionship, because I feel like there just isn't much there. I love my dh more than anything, I would never ever leave him, he is s great daddy, a good provider, always makes sure I have everything I need/want/even don't need. But, it's like we're two friends, living in the same house. We don't talk about anything other than our ds, work, what's on t.v., we're not really affectionate, unless you count the kiss goodbye every morning. He goes to work in the morning, comes home around 4-5, goes on the computer for a while, takes a nap, watches some t.v., then goes to bed. Meanwhile, I try to spend time with him, will be of making dinner, feeding ds, chasing after ds, cleaning up...
There just isn't a spark or connection like there used to be. I don't think it's me physically-I haven't change a bit since the day he met me, haven't even gained a pound. I know I'm tired a lot, but ds is just at the age, and I don't have any help with him, or anyone to give me a break. We have no family around, we have no baby sitter, so a night out does not exist for us. He goes out from time to time with friends to do things, but that's about it.
I have heard all of the things about making time for just us, and having to work at it harder because of dc, but again, the "us" time just isn't an option. And the work harder, how? So now I have to do something special just to get my husband to notice me at all?
What went wrong here? I really don't buy that, "this is just the way it goes...." but is it? I would love to hear a man's perspective on this, but I would appreciate any comments or suggestions...something to help get me out of this sad, feeling down on myself mood. I'm not looking for another buddy, kwim? I want my husband back.
 

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Hey, I can relate to what you say, but I guess I'm kinda on the other end. My dh still acts the same towards me, but I just look at him and wonder, what was I thinking? Physically, I just pick him apart, top to bottom, in my head, and I feel really guilty about it. Not sure why I think this way, but I do. He also does things (bodily noises, sloppy eating), which have just
: killed the romance. My ds is a toddler, but I can't even blame it on that. It is so awkward to feel this way towards someone who you've pledged to be with until death do us part, etc. We don't sleep in the same room cuz of his snoring and flipping...but also because of his schedule. I wish I could get the spark, but it went out a long time ago, leaving me feeling like we're just friends.
 

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Not sure how old your DS is, but why isn't "us time" an option? Your DS must sleep at night...right? So even if you don't want to go out without him, you could spend time w/each other while he's asleep.

As for not having a babysitter...there are several ways to find one. Ask neighbors who have little ones who they would recommend...post a notice at the local bakery, whole foods store, etc....call the high school (well, now that it's summer this might not work) and ask if they do any babysitting/child care classes. Also, college students studying early education are another option.

If you miss your DH, tell him so. Plan something. Yes, you might have to do something special to get him to notice you. It might be that HE thinks you're not interested anymore, so he's withdrawing. You won't know until you ask.

DH and I went out for a DD-less dinner last night for only about the 4th time in 2.5 years. It was a great thing. I really didn't think "alone/us" time was that important (we see each other all day - I'm a WAHM and he's a SAHD) but it was SO different than just hanging out after DD was asleep at night. I highly recommend it. I admitted halfway through dinner that I was having trouble coming up with topics of conversation that weren't about DD! We laughed about that, which was a relief. I don't really remember what we talked about but we had a great time, and DD (who's 2.5) had a great time with her sitter.

HTH!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My ds is actually 26 months now. The just "us" time not being an option was because we do not have the ability to call up grandma/aunt/etc to watch him as the closet person lives 6 hours away. Neither my husband nor I are comfortable leaving him with soemone we do not know-I could just never, never put out an add for strangers to respond to, I have a hard time leaving him with my mil! I know this is an issue for me to work on, but it isn't going to happen anytime fast or soon, kwim? He is two years old and has been left overnight twice and I was miserable. He goes to bed at 10pm, and I probably pass out at 11-12pm-the entire time from when ds goes to bed until I do, he is on the computer, which is exactly where he wants to be. That is my issue, not that we aren't out on the town, we're in the same room, and I still get not much more than a, "what do you want ot watch?" out of him.
It isn't even about the going out though, we were never date-night type of people, but we did used to have an attraction to one another. I should have also included, that yes-I have tried to talk to him about it. He won't take it seriously, rolls his eyes and blows me off, telling me I'm crazy.
I feel like it's that old, "he loves me, he's just not in love with me..." I gotta tell you, I honestly believe that and it really just breaks my heart is all.
Thank you though, both of you who responded-it really is helpful to hear others thoughts and ideas, and I appreciate it.
 

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How about an earlier bedtime for Colin? 10 pm seems awfully late for someone that young. Most of the kids I've babysat for that age have been going to bed around 8 pm. Yeah, it means you'll have to get up early but at least you'll have a few hours alone with DH!
 

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My kids are older and they still go to bed at 8. It really is nice to have that time alone with dh so you might really consider that. But honestly, we went through a few years like you're describing. We were married even younger than you were & the transition to being a family was hard for us. It wasn't until our youngest was about 4 that we really started to reconnect with each other like we did pre-kids. We actually have a lot stronger, more passionate relationship now than we did back then & it's really amazing. Maybe for some people it just really takes a little more time to adjust & feel comfortable in our new roles. Dh has told me that after our first was born that he felt really overwhelmed with a huge feeling of responsibility & it was very frightening for him.
 

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We went through the same thing. I confronted my dh when my dd was about 2 and said "we never talk anymore", he replied "what do you mean", he didn't get it at all. But I had to tell him that to me it was important.

luckily we do have family around, however, I also have made friends with another mom and now we can leave our children with each other and it's not like leaving her with a stranger. You really do need to find someone that you trust to leave your child with. Even if you just want to hang out with dh and watch tv.

Just having an adult conversation without your son there will make a huge difference.
 

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I'm sorry I don't have any usefull advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that your situation sounds exactly like mine. I do have relatives in town and could get "us" time here and there but frankly, he doesn't seem at all interested, why go out with me when he could be on the computer, yk? I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm trying to ride it out and hoping it passes and our relationship will grow again once the kids get older but it's hard, I feel lonely during "family time" because it really seems like there's something missing.
 

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KyleAnn - just wanted to say hi. I can understand your situation, that's for sure. And, I understand your thoughts about babysitters etc. I am new to my city and although my in-laws live here, my FIL is an alcoholic and I'm don't feel comfortable leaving DS there. Our DS is 2 years old and he goes to bed around 10 p.m. I tend to crash at the same time too. Frankly, it doesn't matter when I crash since due to my DH's work schedule, he is either at work or in bed to get up at 4 a.m. Everyone that knows us is amazed I got pregnant since we rarely see each other. When my husband does have time off, after working 7 days straight, he is often so exhausted he sleeps and naps a lot. In any case, I'm trying to say we rarely have an evening together. I guess I was going through your situation before DS was born and DH had just got this job with the schedule that means I never see him. I was really lonely and felt like we were just going through the motions. Then I started to try to focus on having fun in the few stolen moments. Most of our "us time" is short and we try to share chores and laughter together. I don't watch t.v. at all nor does DH when I'm around so I think this helps. We sit together and talk and just connect with humourous chats and jokes. Usually after 30-40 minutes, DH has to get ready for work and leave! Or one of us has to go to bed. I'm curious how your DH feels about your relationship right now. I have a list on the fridge of 10 things spouses should do to keep their marriage going. I re-read the list (I can post it here if you want) and get DH to read it. Our time together is so limited (I envy those who have DH home every night) but our relationship has strengthed tremendously by just allowing for some connective time. I also think trying to find a babysitter is a good idea - if not for right now - later. I can't imagine leaving DS with a sitter because of his temperment but at the same time, eventually, I will and I've managed to find a couple of good sitters through word of mouth and coincidence. I'd sit down too and ask your DH what he thinks of the current state of things. I've had to have a few conversations like this ... I think DH and I started to work harder when we realized our marriage was a dynamic entity and we're supposed to be together FOREVER and everything takes work. And turn off the t.v.!!!! IMO, nothing puts a damper on a relationship more than sitting in front of the tube!!!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy
How about an earlier bedtime for Colin? 10 pm seems awfully late for someone that young. Most of the kids I've babysat for that age have been going to bed around 8 pm. Yeah, it means you'll have to get up early but at least you'll have a few hours alone with DH!


This might be the solution to aaaallllllllllllllllllllll your problems
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It's not what time ds goes to bed that is causing the two of us to drift apart-as I mentioned, my dh would rather use that time to be on the computer and following his six million fantasy sports teams & watching t.v.
I've always been early to bed, even before ds, I would fall alseep at night on dh. 10pm may be late for other children, but it works for my ds, always has.

I do definitely think that bringing a dc into our lives has been part of the reason, that's why I mentioned him in my op, but I also very sincerely believe that there's more to it than that, kwim? Getting older, stress, finanaces...just plain old lost interest? Those type of things?

junaleda-thank you for chiming in and for picking up on the fact that dh is doing what he would rather be doing, that's what I meant to try and get across, I think in my ramblings it came out wrong...
Even if you don't have answers, it is always a little comforting to know that someone else is in the same boat.

Tuesday-you don't know how many times I've asked for a t.v. free home, or even a t.v. free living room..."Over his dead body..." I honestly think if I told him t.v. or me, he grab his t.v.'s and head for the hills.

Again, I appreciate all of your thoughts. Thank you, if nothing else, it does make me feel better to talk about it to "someone."
 

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Sorry KyleAnn...I didn't mean to be simple or insensitive...maybe I am wrong, but I feel like ALL of us have been exactly where you are....maybe for years, maybe for weeks or months.

I guess I just figure that if you were free after 8 p.m. to do whatever it is YOU want to do (if ds is sleeping and dh is on the computer, you could go outside and work in your garden, go out with friends, or go to a bookstore and read....) then maybe he would be intrigued by your independence. That is what has worked for me in the past. If you can't change someone else's behaviour, save yourself.

IME, everything else eventually follows.
 

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I don't know your DH at all, but I know my own DH just doesn't think to ask if I want to do something with him after DD is in bed (even if it's just watch TV together). If I ask him to do something, he will, but if I don't, he assumes I want time to myself and does his own thing.

So your DH may be doing stuff he likes to do, but if you asked him to watch a movie/play a game/stand on your heads together, he might go for it.

As for the babysitting thing...it is definitely hard. DD is 31 mos and has only been w/o us for 4 evenings, and never overnight. If you can start looking for someone now and get your DC (and you!) used to that person, it will help a lot. We have yet to leave DD with someone she isn't really used to already...and I'm not sure when I'll feel comfortable doing that.

You've been married 4 years...things do 'settle down', I think. (DH and I have been married 5 years and together for 10 years.) There's nothing wrong with that. I think it's unrealistic to expect the newness, passion etc to last a long time. They just don't, but instead you get more intimacy, more comfort, more friendship. I wouldn't say you have to "work" at it but you have to get used to the idea that every night isn't whoo-hoo, fun and games and sex and excitement. At this point in my life, I'm happy if we all sleep through the night.
 

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Is there any chance there is a medical issue? Did your dh not used to be so interested in the computer and TV, and only recently become such a potato?

My dh was a couch potato for about 2 years, it was awful and put a tremendous amount of stress on our relationship. Then he found out he had diabetes and that was what was making him so lethargic. He just didn't have any energy during those two years but neither of us realized it had a medical cause. Now he is controlling his diabetes with excercise and diet and I have my old dh back!
 

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This happens to us every once in a while. We get into separate routines and realize that we haven't spent any time together. We start doing the "roomate thing". It's not an indication of any deep problems, it's just that our sex life seems to go dormant. It just seems like one more thing on the "to do"' list. But I have found, over 6 years of marriage and 14 years together, that once we MAKE time for each other, things heat up again really quickly.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think that if you want it to change, you need to stop dwelling on all of the things that you can't do, and brainstorm some things that you can do. Can you surprise him in the shower? Put a video on (for dc), and lure DH into the bedroom? I know you weren't just talking about sex, but I have found that we connect more outside the bedroom when we are connecting more inside the bedroom. It's a fun place to start, anyway!
 

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I hate to say it, but I agree with an earlier bedtime. It would be great if you actually had the time to spend together! Then ask DH to turn off the tv or computer, and make a nice dinner. He'll probably never spontaniously turn off the tv and say "let's just talk." It just doesn't occur to most men. But that doesn't mean he won't if you tell him you feel disconnected and miss him. It's nearly impossible for us to go out too, no family nearby. We do have a few friends w/ kids that we trust, can you find someone among your circle of friends you can trust for just a couple of hours?

If nothing else, maybe you could both block off 10pm-11pm to talk or snuggle or whatever a couple of times a week. That's what people mean by "trying harder." You don't have to do something special, you just both have to make a commitment to find the time for each other. Even if it's just an hour, that's can be a great starting point.

Do it now, before this feeling grows and it's too late. Big problems start off small, but if you can nip it in the bud you may just save your future.
 

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I think the posters who suggest an earlier bedtime have a good suggestion - it's at least worth trying to see if it helps. But, I have to say that it doesn't always work out. DS had a 10pm bedtime for years. I tried getting him to bed earlier a few times...and he just woke up at some ungodly hour of the morning that left me feeling awful all day. My ex and I were both natural night owls, and getting ds to bed earlier just meant we got less sleep. That didn't help us find time together at all! Some kids just seem to need less sleep than others (ds never napped, either - not even as a toddler).
 

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If you can't change someone else's behaviour, save yourself.



I know part of the reason there is no spark between me and my dh is that I've lost me. Maybe when I find myself again, he'll be interested, and I'll be interested in him. I'm not saying this is true for the OP, but it definitely hit home with me.



to the OP, and to anyone else who's dealing with this.
 

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I know what you mean about a late bedtime working for your child and your family. My dd1 went to bed at 10 or 11 when she was our only. Then she and I would sleep in - worked great. She had more time with her daddy in the evenings; we were all night owls. BUT when she started preschool, we had to pull bedtime earlier just to get her up for school. When we did that, it was SO nice to have some adult time in the evening! Even though we lived happily for YEARS with kid bedtime being 10 or 11, now that it is a firm 9:00 (I don't know HOW some pull off 7:00 or 7:30!), everything is so much better.

Re: babysitters... I understand not feeling comfortable leaving your firstborn with someone not close to you. I didn't either, until dd1 was past three. But I am telling you, once you find a sitter that you are comfortable with, it is the most wonderful thing!!!! I couldn't put a sign up on a bulletin board either - but have found some great babysitters by asking trusted friends who they use, or teenage daughters of friends a bit older (or who started families a lot earlier). You can start out with having them over to play while you clean your garage or whatever. You're nearby if needed but the babysitter and your child can get to know each other.

If he is just too young for you to be comfortable with hired sitters, how about trading childcare one night a month with a friend? Each couple could have a date night that way. We did this before we had a good group of babysitters. It works great!

Are you in any mom/baby groups? Through the MOMS Club I'm in, I've become friends with dozens of women that I now trust to keep my kids for me if I need a break.

Once your ds is in preschool (especially if you do co-op), you'll meet a lot of moms with kids the same age as yours. Built in playdate/childcare options.

Date night alone won't fix everything but it is a place to start. Out, at a restaurant or whatever, there is no tv, no computer, just you two.
 

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Have you talked to him about this? What does he think would help?

One thing that I have found with my own husband is that is greatly helps if I take the lead. If I am affectionate, and work to bring up conversations to engage him, and really TRY to pay attention to him, he responds with the same. I think a lot of times, men are looking to us for direction on which way our relationship is going.

I know this probably sounds hard since you are have your son to care for 24/7, but not a whole lot if going to change unless you are willing to explore some other options. I know your son's bedtime is working for him, but what about even just 1 hour earlier? Could your hub take over your son for an hour and let you take a bath or something? Then after, maybe the two of you could put the babe to bed and then do something together...play a game, watch the news..heck, even folding clothes together is SOMETHING. Just to get to two engaged with each other again.

Eventually this could lead up to date nights..I know that you aren't comfortable with the thought of a sitter right now, but maybe when your son is a tad older you will be. I can assure you that there are decent people out there who would love to watch your son (we all have a tendancy to imagine the worst, don't we?). It certainly wouldn't hurt to start looking around your community now. It's not like you are desperate to get somebody so you can be very choosy and do all the investigating you want, but I would start looking outside the home a little.
 
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