[newbymom05]

I have 2 wonderful boys, one 3.5 and one 7 mo and a helpful and wonderful husband. So why am I nuts most of the time? I had lunch w/ two other moms of preschoolers, and both are on antidepressants. During the conversation we mentioned 3 other wonderful moms, also on antidepressants. I was secretly thinking, "Even if I weren't b'feeding, *I* wouldn't need meds because I have faced these problems and conquered them!" But then later I was thinking about it and realized that I AM on meds--breasfeeding hormones! I'm sure once I stop, I'll be on something or on the first train to witchytown. Why is this, and what can I do to prevent it??? Other than b'feed until he's 18, lol.

Seriously, I used to consider myself to be such a nice person, and I would hear moms using their mean mom voices or whatever and I'd just be appalled. Now I am those moms and it sucks. I want to be nice and patient again. I want to have a nice tone of voice all day. I want to be a loving partner to my husband and not spend all our time asking him to clean/run errands/do childcare/whatever.

I feel like a shrew and I hate it. Is this just part of being a parent of young children? Nice mommies, please respond w/ your tips for loving sanity.

 

[rainyday]

Well, I don't necessarily have a lot of advice, but I wanted to point out that for a lot of people, it's really easy to see how undesirable or nasty someone else's behavior is, but it's a lot harder to never be too harsh and to always use a nice tone. Sure, some people attain it, and a lot more of us strive for it, but most of us will have less than optimal moments as both a parent and as a partner. Let's face it, being home alone with young children can be wonderful, gratifying, and so on, but it is also a very frustrating job sometimes.

I personally find I can be much more like the mommy I want to be if I try to let go of a lot of the guilt of not measuring up all the time. The more I beat myself up for having snapped or overreacted, the less able I am to be kind and patient. When I'm kind and patient and accepting of my own humanity and the mistakes that come with it, I'm more able to be kind and patient and accepting with the kids.

As for being a loving partner to DH, I find that also flows somewhat from the above. When I'm in a beat-myself-up-because-I-screwed-up mode, I end up kind of paralyzed because I'm too down to motivate myself to do things. Plus any mess stresses me out more, so I'm more snappish to DH. So being kind to myself by not beating myself up for not being perfect, helps me feel more able to get stuff done. I also swear by having a routine and trying to get a few small tasks finished each day. Often one thing leads to another and I have a more productive day.

And on the grumpy days? I make a real effort to put on my happy face in the morning. Pretending to be happy and cheerful with the kids makes me feel happier and more cheerful, and pretty soon it's not an act.

 

[johnsmom]

I have 2 boys very close in age to yours (04/05 and 04/08). I have vague memories of being a patient, gentle, playful mom sometime before late pregnancy with DS2.
These days I hear myself raising my voice so frequently I'm sometimes afraid I'll go hoarse before dinner time. In my defense, DS1 is an evil genius. He knows exactly how and when to push my buttons. I'm also not used to spending 24/7 home with kiddos. It requires a very special kind of patience that I've never really learned in my years of working in a business environment.
I hate hearing myself yelling. It makes me so sad and I know it's not the kind of home I want to make for my boys.
My only advice is to parent in your home the way you do when you're out among strangers. I find it so much easier to be kind and patient when I know there are eyes on me, so if I pretend I'm being watched when I feel myself about to lose it I can reign in my temper and respond a little more peacefully.

 

[Devaskyla]

I'm often a mean mommy too. I actually swore at my kids in a store yesterday. *sigh*

 

[crittersmum]

Ha! When I scanned the topic, I thought it was "Me an' mommy itis" -- DD's been going through a real Mommymommymommy stage and I thought you were too!

Sometimes I wonder if any fulltime SAHM is not depressed -- it's a lot different from when our grand/mothers stayed at home where you had a whole (non-virtual!) community of SAHMs to support you, and it's a lot different than what I expected when I signed up for this gig.

Sometimes I think if I could just find one good SAHM friend, that would make all the difference in the world.

 

[JamesMama]

It's HARD being a mom. I found myself hollering at my kids way too much.

I *do* have diagnosed PPD. Depression is NOT a sign of weakness or lack of support or not being able to hack it. Depression is an honest to goodness chemical imbalance in the brain. Even breastfeeding moms are susceptible and with a chemical imbalance facing your problems and conquering them isn't an option, there is something lacking in those mama's brains.

Needing medication isn't a weakness. It takes a lot of guts to admit there is something wrong with your brain.

 

[newbymom05]

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles.

JamesMama, I absolutely don't think that depression or needing medication is a sign of weakness, and I apologize it that's what came across. I've been diagnosed w/ clinical depression as well as anxiety in the past, and successfully received treatment for both. So I'm not anti-med! But these moms were talking more along the lines of, I yell at my kids and husband so I take X and now I'm calmer and more patient, you should try it.

Ugh, that said, I just hope this is a stage. What brought this to a head was hearing my neighbor mean-mommy-voice her 9 y/o about not wearing shoes. I had been hoping that by that time, I would be able to have more patience, or at least enough to not be shouting from the front lawn!

Also, Crittersmum, I don't think our ancestors had it that much better. I mean, wasn't drug and alcohol use among SAHMs a big 50's-60's scandal? Community helps, but this parenting gig is tough, or at least it is for my husband and me. I agree w/ what you and others are saying--taking care of LO's is a wonderful, wonderful thing, but very time, thought, and emotion-consuming.

Bleh, off to eat Christmas cookies--maybe the carbs will make me jolly, if not patient and loving, lol.

 

[pauletoy]

Well, I am being treated for PPD with antidepressants and I am still mean.

So if you find an answer, please share.

 

[crittersmum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbymom05 Also, Crittersmum, I don't think our ancestors had it that much better. I mean, wasn't drug and alcohol use among SAHMs a big 50's-60's scandal? Community helps, but this parenting gig is tough, or at least it is for my husband and me. I agree w/ what you and others are saying--taking care of LO's is a wonderful, wonderful thing, but very time, thought, and emotion-consuming.

You're right, you're right, I know you're right...God knows you couldn't get much more isolated than a farm on the prairies, which is where my greats- and grands- raised their children. That was just a moment of "Father Knows Best"-induced nostalgia brought on by the fact that one of my very few SAHM friends is going back to work in the New Year. I promise to grab some perspective...imminently.

...And don't make me come over there and stage a Christmas cookie intervention!