[nora--not a llama]

Are there any mommas here who have exes with diagnosed mental illness? Don't get me wrong, please!!! I have no problem with people with mental illnesses. I do however have a problem with someone who has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness who refuses to be treated for it and becomes a danger to me and my children. I recently filed for divorce from my husband (it should be final w/in a month), and I guess I'm just looking for support. I told someone the other day that there were times that I felt like I was ill as well b/c he was so good at taking me along for the ride. So now I am left to pick myself up and get my life back together. At the same time, I am trying to help my oldest two children deal with it as well (my twins are still babies and don't even remember their dad...he has left the country and says he never wants to see them again)...stbx was a wonderful dad before he got sick and it was so hard to see him digress so rapidly.
Just looking for words of wisdom I guess.
Thanks, Mommas!
Blessings.

 

[gruver]

i've not been in your position before but i want to send you love and strength. i'm the one with the mental illness between the ex and i and i was very reluctant to go on meds for a variety of reasons. when i finally saw how that was affecting my parenting and my relationship with the ex i knew i had to do it for ds if nothing else.

all i can say for your kids' sake is to see if you can find some kind of counselling or support group for family members/loved ones of those with mental illness. tell them that their daddy is sick and when he says the hurtful things it isn't the him that they knew. he needs medicine just like if he had cancer or asthma or anything else.

hugs to you mama. i'm sorry this is so hard

 

[annarbor931]

My STBX has a very serious mental illness. I struggle with it all of the time. He mistreated me and I eventually could not take it anymore. He had me believing that I had caused his unhappiness and it was all my fault. I wa so unhappy and sad all of the time--always walking on eggshells. You are not alone.

 

[simply me]

annarbor931 may i ask what your stbx's illness is?? My first hubby had issues as well as my dad. I have seen alot threw out both my relationships with them. I as well have been diagnosed bi polar but i take my meds. If i knew what your situation was maybe i could add some thought. My ex was bi polar & my dad was bi polar & multiple personalities. Depression, drug use, alcoholism etc... it all intertwined.

either way mama much love, prayers & positive energy your way. you have obviously been threw alot & i am sorry.

 

[nora--not a llama]

Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement mommas!! My stbx was diagnosed with bipolar and psychosis. They also said he suffered from several nervous breakdowns. He refused to believe that anything was wrong, hence he refused to take his meds. It got to the point where I was concerned about my safety and the safety of my children...which was just so sad for me b/c when I married him he was so kind and gentle, and he was an absolutely wonderful dad before he got sick. It's been so hard for me to deal with...it's rather like dealing w/ a death.
Anyway, thanks again!
Blessings.

 

[eamama]

nntalamu,

Agree. Right before ds and I left my ex, he had started seeing a counselor at school, but he refused to take medication because it interfered with his then studies (which he has since quit or so I hear.) We had originally tried to get therapy through a health clinic, with a real doctor, but nobody ever called and he didn't get the help he needed.

Judging by the extreme highs and lows, and some of his high risk behavior and out-of-control spending, I determined that he had Bipolar disorder. He went from extremely productive to nothing, not even washing or getting out of bed. He tried to work, but it just didn't stick, then he tried school.

I have suffered from anxiety and major depression all of my life, though I had no PPD...thank goodness! I got ill again recently but went right back on the medication and feel wonderful now. I had originally not wanted kids because of my illness, but now I see what a super together and pragmatic kid ds is, so I'm not worried at all now.

But yeah, men especially are reluctant to get help. They will take it out on their family before seeking treatment. Sad and sick and sometimes fatal.

 

[annarbor931]

My STBXH has borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression and he abuses marijuana (which is common for borderlines). BPD is very difficult to treat and STBX refuses to take anti-psychotics, and he only takes his anti-depressants, which are somewhat useless. He thinks that he is depressed only. His doctors don't tell him what is wrong with him at all. He has no clue but he probably wouldn't believe it anyway. BP's are often abusive to their partners and his illness makes him impossible to be around. He really lacks empathy, compassion and the ability to love. He was not always so low functioning but he has been getting worse all the time. He has been able to work but lately he has been too disturbed, so I doubt he will be paying child support for long given the severity of his illness. It is so sad. I used to think he was bi-polar but I realize now that he is not, after he was hospitalized in Nov '04. It is hell to live with him and I am so so thankful to be on my own wher I know my son is safe.

Good luck to you!!!

 

[BelovedK]

I have BP disorder and am a well functioning momma and would be wife, i chose to medicate and it makes a world of difference.
STBX is severely depressed and abuses MJ, PLUS has been Dx with ADD ( though i'm not so sure about that, could be a symptom of the MJ)

We are a mess when you put us together, esp bf we decided to help ourselves....I feel for you, mental illness is not a fun place to tread, my thoughts are with you.

Blessings K

 

[canadianchick]

I am a mental health provider... there is not a medication to take for Borderline Personality Disorder and if the doc is prescribing a med then the patient needs to find a new doc. BPD is best treated with DBT therapy and a lot of hard work by the patient. I am also surprised at the BPD diagnosis as this is most often seen in females.....

 

[annarbor931]

Yes, BPD is best treated with DBT but it is also very common for BP's to be prescribed anti-depressants and often anti-psychotics to help alleviate some symptoms. Most therapists that work with borerlines try a combination approach that very often includes meds. I find my STBX does function a bit better on meds, although the anti-psychotics did not have a chance to work since he only took them for a week. Many BP's are plagued by paranoid and delusional thinking and it is very difficult to get them in DBT during these periods. BPD is more common in women, but not uncommon in men either. It is more common in women because of a higher rate of sexual abuse, but it is not at all surprising to see in a man.

Canandianchick, I don't mean to offend you but as a mental health professional, I think your post was irresponsible. I don't want to start a debate with you either but BP is such a complex and serious mental illness to treat that I would caution against giving medical advice reagarding it.

 

[BelovedK]

I don't mean to sound ignorant, but what is DBT therapy??

I can vouch for the fact that healing consists of alot of work from the patient, but for me , drugs have helped me to be a better parent, i degraded very fast after i got PG w/ my 5yo DD and resisted treatment for a long time. I work with people on finding herbal and lifestyle changes to help adress health and spiritual issues, so you can imagine how much i felt like i was eating my own words by taking meds.my stbx is also in the wholistic field , so the same issues for him....much resistance, but for now we are going through a hard time so i can see the value of meds (for now)

I'm sorry for any of you that have x's that refuse treatment whether meds or wholistic. mine finally has and it's black & white.

 

[canadianchick]

Sorry for stepping on toes... I was NOT giving medical advice. I was only sharing what I know about the illness. I thought that is what these messages boards were for>>>

:

 

[canadianchick]

Hope this is helpful......

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Marsha Linehan (1991) pioneered this treatment, based on the idea that psychosocial treatment of those with Borderline Personality Disorder was as important in controlling the condition as traditional psycho- and pharmacotherapy were. Concomitant with this belief was a hierarchical structure of treatment goals. Paramount among these was reducing parasuicidal (self-injuring) and life-threatening behaviors. Next came reducing behaviors that interfered the the therapy/treatment process, and finally reducing behaviors that reduced the client's quality of life. In 1991, Linehan published results of a study that seems to do remarkably well at achieving these goals.

The Theory

Basically, DBT maintains that some people, due to invalidating environments during upbringing and due to biological factors as yet unknown, react abnormally to emotional stimulation. Their level of arousal goes up much more quickly, peaks at a higher level, and takes more time to return to baseline. This explains why borderlines are known for crisis-strewn lives and extreme emotional lability (emotions that shift rapidly). Because of their past invalidation, they don't have any methods for coping with these sudden, intense surges of emotion. DBT is a method for teaching skills that will help in this task.
How it works
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) consists of two parts:
Once-weekly psychotherapy sessions in which a particular problematic behavior or event from the past week is explored in detail, beginning with the chain of events leading up to it, going through alternative solutions that might have been used, and examining what kept the client from using more adaptive solutions to the problem:

Both between and during sessions, the therapist actively teaches and reinforces adaptive behaviors, especially as they occur within the therapeutic relationship. . . the emphasis is on teaching patients how to manage emotional trauma rather than reducing or taking them out of crises. . . . Telephone contact with the individual therapist between sessions is part of DBT procedures.

(Linehan, 1991)

DBT targets behaviors in a descending hierarchy:
decreasing high-risk suicidal behaviors
decreasing responses or behaviors (by either therapist or patient) that interfere with therapy
decreasing behaviors that interfere with/reduce quality of life
decreasing and dealing with post-traumatic stress responses
enhancing respect for self
acquisition of the behavioral skills taught in group
additional goals set by patient
Weekly 2.5-hour group therapy sessions in which interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance/reality acceptance skills, emotion regulation, and mindfulness skills are taught (see summaries of sample worksheets). Group therapists are not available over the phone between sessions; they refer patients in crisis to the individual therapist.

Followup studies

Since the 1991 paper, Linehan has been involved in several replication studies and has written a book and a skills training manual about DBT. Her results consistently show that DBT does seem to reduce the amount of self-injury and crisis among clients. (See references.
Linehan's group works out of the University of Washington in Seattle, but there are DBT-trained therapists in other parts of the U.S. For information, try contacting the University of Washington Department of Psychology or go to DBT Seattle.

There is also a DBT skills discussion list, also at UW. To subscribe, send mail to the listowner (Kieu) at [email protected] explaining your background and why you'd like to be on the list. It's intended to be a place to share experiences and get support while using dbt skills.

For a comprehensive, scientific review of DBT, see Dialectical Behavioral Therapy by Barry Kiehn and Michaela Swales of Gwynfa Adolescent Service in North Wales.

 

[sprout 1]

uuuuuuhhhhg.
ok, i'm just at the very beginning of thinking about being a single parent and I'm

reading this... after a recent marriage counseling session, I finally realized that I am NOT crazy, I am fine. But, I'm married to a man who has BPD and is bipolar... I'm still in a haze of thinking we could be a healthy "normal" couple, and it's just shocking to learn the problem goes so deep. My main fear right now is for my son- I'm worried about how to protect him from developing one of these disorders. Is it mostly genetics or can (I hate saying this, but) "exposure" to his father affect ds's chances of suffering from BPD? This is just sad. The description of DBT is just blowing me away because it's SO made for my husband, er, how do I say, possibly stb stbxh?
the guy's a great dad, mostly. Do I even have the right to try to "protect" my son from his father's disorder?
This is all so sad and my heart goes out to everyone...

 

[BelovedK]

Thanks Canadianmom for the info, i have never heard of that, it sounds like an excellent thing to do in liue (sp?) of drugs...i coulda used that years ago. I'm not BPD , i was Dx w/ bipolar when DD was just 1yo.

Mental illnesses are a sad but real thing, i wouldn't wish them on anyone..

Great conversation.

Blessings
K

 

[canadianchick]

Do I even have the right to try to "protect" my son from his father's disorder?

You most certainly do.... many mental illnesses are genetic but personality disorders are higher in children raised by a parent who has a personality disorder. Maybe you can monitor their interactions. Is your husband aware of how his mental illness can affect his son? Projection is very common with BPD so he may blame things on others rather than own responsibility. My heart goes out to you....

 

[annarbor931]

Thanks for the info on DBT, it is very useful. I have found that the availability of DBT groups vary greatly in different areas and it can be hard to find a group covered by insurance.

I think that my STBX's mother is also borderline and I believe that it is critical for the non-BP parent to protect the children from the BP. There are some high functioning BP's, but I really have to wonder if a true BP can even be a good parent at all. My STBX is incapable of sustaining interpersonal relationships, especially with our son. He seems incapable of love, intimacy, empathy and compassion. He can not parent our son, and his primary contribution is financial (when he is able to work). He seems to disappear during bad times (which is probably best for our son) and resurface later. Our son is only 16 months now, but imagine when he is older and Dad comes and goes without explanation. My concern is really how I will regulate contact to minimize the impact on DS. It really does suck.

 

[BelovedK]

I'm BP and a ~very~ good parent and high functioning as long as i take care of myself...awareness is the key.

 

[canadianchick]

I find that the high functioning BPD are scarier than the low functioning... only because they can be very manipulative. Besides working with people who have BPD, I also dated a woman for a couple years with BPD. She was a brilliant woman with a Master's Degree and was the director of a forensic unit BUT life with her was so up and down... some days wonderful and most days were like hell. I often blamed myself for the bad because she projected everything onto me.... a trait of someone with BPD. I still love her but for my sanity and my daughter's sanity, it had to be over...

Take care.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK I'm BP and a ~very~ good parent and high functioning as long as i take care of myself...awareness is the key.

I am also BP and I don't know if I would call myself a "very" good
parent, but I believe I am a good parent, and a healthy person. I
am learning everyday how to be the best parent I can be.
I choose to look at my BP as a blessing, rather than a curse. I think
differently than others, my emotions are sometimes stronger than
some. I haven't always been happy, BUT I like who I am. So I
choose to love all of me, and not just parts.
I agree with belovedK about awareness. You have to learn to
listen to your body. I also had to learn to stop reacting so quickly,
both good and bad reactions. I know what helps me be the best
I can, eating well, getting a full nights sleep, listening to my mind,
spirit and body.
I don't know (only from my own experience with the mental health
of my family) if I can agree that BP can be passed on just from being
raised by a BP parent. It's genetics, it's chemicals, you can't catch it.
My Mother has mental illness, multiple personalities brought on my
childhood trauma, and I don't see her actions as contributing to my
own mental illness. Actually watching my Mother as I grew up is what
helped me become a better person. Made me want to try harder,
be stronger, and has made me a better Mother to my dd.
All three of my siblings have mental illness, all four of us different
diagnoses. From the same family, same parents, healthy Dad
(although his Mother was given shock treatments threw most of the
1940's). My oldest brother is the one who has had the hardest time
in life. He is also the most intelligent of us four by far.

I think what is most important with being a parent with any mental
illness is acknowledgment of your mental illness. My dd already
knows Mama has good days and bad days (just like all parents).
I try my best to be as open and honest with dd on a 5 year old
level. I am a very silly, active, weird parent. My dd knows she is
loved, she is well taken care of, and very bright. So I must be doing
something right.

I believe that if the parent with mental illness can't acknowledge their
illness, then it becomes the job of the other parent. Talk to your child
about how people are different. Talk to them about illness both mental
and physical. Make sure they know that they can come to you and talk
to you about these issues.
If the parent with mental illness is doing harm to your child then by all
means you have to protect them. But if that parent who may or may
not choose to reconise their problem is a good parent I don't see why
the child would need protection. Abuse is abuse, doesn't matter the
reason behind it.
Now my own dd doesn't know this much yet. On my good days
we are active. We play, run, spend most days outside. On bad days
(which don't happen very often) I choose to do more quiet activities
with her. Painting, doing crafts, maybe cooking.
I have been asked in the past if I am scared that dd will find herself
with mental issues in her future. Truth is no, not really. We are all
given a path in life, and who better to parent one with mental illness
than somebody who has gone threw it and come threw in the end
happier and more in touch with them self.
Dd is VERY spirited, and has already learned breathing to help her
calm down. Plus other skills I learned in therapy. I wish to raise her
with the skills to help her be the best she can be. To use what others
might deem as faults as her strengths. To channel her spirit in the most
useful ways, not squash it down.
I hope my post makes sense, I think I went off track. If not just
blame it on the bipolar disorder. :LOL