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I woke up this morning thinking about Kundalini Mama and naturally it made wonder how you are doing?
 

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I'm doing okay for the most part..<br><br>
We actually had a family gathering yesterday and it was nice to have everyone together.. We even had Amy's husband and the boys there, which was wonderul and sad all in one..<br><br>
I've actually started a webpage for Amy, and have it on my sig. It's still in the beginning phases, as it's hard for me to navigate since I'm not computer savvy. But since my BIL and the boys are down in NJ for a week or so, they'll be coming over one of these nights, and my BIL and I will figure out how to add some photo's that he has. I also have her memorial service on video, and we will figure out how to download that on her site.<br><br>
(you can go on the site and go into the memories section and hear about yesterday's party.. And there is a family picture of all of us on the main page.. I know you are dying to see what I look like, and even though I look nothing like Amy, I'm obviously the very pregnant blonde in the picture (and I look awful in it...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ))<br><br>
I've noticed the grief comes in waves, some days are better than others. My BIL brought me down some of Amy's belongings, and it sucks. I thought I wanted them, but all I want to do is give them back. I don't want the only physical memories of her to be stuff.... I want her, not her stuff.<br><br>
My BIL is doing a lot of house cleaning, and it kills me. Amy was a clutter-bug, and my BIL is really just clearing out the clutter, but I hate hearing about it. Just last week, he realized he can't care for their pugs anymore and he has given them to a pug rescue organization, and it kills me. But I don't blame them, as their 3 pugs were using the house as a litterbox, all the time, and they did this mostly all the time, way before she even got sick, so it was time to give them a better life, than that of being confined to the kitchen. But it sucks..<br><br>
My nephews are quite phenomonal. Her oldest, Aidan has decided he will not cut his hair, and I'm not really sure what that is about, I'm wondering if it's because Amy had long hair, and he looks like Amy? I don't know. Owen is understandibly having separation anxiety w/ Matt, but it's making it hard for Matt to breathe. But Aidan says some remarkable things. Just the other day, Matt was talking to him about mommy being gone, and Aidan said "yeah yeah I know she's dead, but she's still with us". And even though he may hear that, he seems to be absorbing it enough to remember it.<br><br>
But I've been reading a book on Sibling Loss, and it has helped. But I just want her back, and I hate realizing she's never coming back. The other night my BIL asked my husband how I was doing and he told him about my chest pains and how the unofficial diagnosis is "broken heart" and my BIL said to my dh "next to me, this has to hit her the hardest".. And it's true.<br><br>
Amy comes to me a lot. In the beginning she has connected to me, thru many mama's here. And I had a tarot card reading from a mama here, and she told me things I already knew. Like days before the reading I invisioned Amy with her favorite pug "Bo-Bo" and I saw them together.. The tarot card reading revealed Amy playing with a dog... And I know it's "Bo-Bo". And as you know this, there is an interesting relationship shown to me between Amy and my unborn. But Amy comes to me a lot in dreams. It's amazing as I'll think of something during the day, and like clockwork she'll be in my dream telling me the answer to my question. I've never had a dream before, be so poignant. And it's amazing, as whenever I talk about Amy or cry about Amy, my unborn kicks up a storm.... so I know she's got something to do with it....<br><br>
But I will keep moving, and keep living, and I will try to find something to smile about every day...<br><br>
(oh, you'll see more about my story and our life, as I've been selected to be on Baby Story, so we'll see how that goes....)<br><br>
But thank you, for allowing me to talk.... Jess
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I was just thinking of you yesterday too Jessica. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I can't wait to see your VBAC Baby Story episode! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banana.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banana"> (though we don't have cable so I will have to try to get a copy from you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )<br><br>
hang in there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> btw you look glowing and beautiful!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Big huge gigantic <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> coming your way.
 

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Lost my only sibling, a sister, long ago and learned a thing I want to share:<br><br>
When my bil offered me "stuff" that was hers, I refused and told him I didn't want anything. I was 17 when she died. What did I know about what those things might mean to my life later on?<br><br>
Well... I would have LOVED to have been able to give her guitar to my older son, who plays and is very talented. I would have LOVED to have been able to give some of her jewelry to my daughter. I would have LOVED to have given some of her books to my younger son. But I never will be able to do that.<br><br>
So when your bil offers "stuff" to you, I would suggest that you just store those things very safely and then go through them later on.<br><br>
Don't have regrets like I do.<br><br>
I know your beloved sis was so much more than her things... and her things will never be her or bring her back to you, but certainly the value of those things is that they were hers and that you can keep them in your life. And you know, there will be a time when those things, if they do not now, will come to mean alot to you and bring some comfort.<br><br>
Just some thoughts on a hard lesson learned.<br><br>
I hold out my hand to you, with the knowledge of how deeply loss can touch a person. 30 years later, the things you convey in your writing rekindle memories and feelings in me. I hope that I have not offended you and I hope that there is something of value for you in this post.<br><br>
I think the website is lovely and is a good idea. Many blessings to you and yours as the days ahead unfold.<br><br>
J.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thinking of you often.<br>
Wendi
 

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Hope you are doing well today, mama. My thoughts are with you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I too have lost a sister! I can only keep you in my prayers and pray for peace.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> I'm so sorry for your loss. Your love for your sister really comes through in your post as well as your compassion for your family. Your website is beautiful - and you look adorable not awful in that picture!!!
 

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I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a beautiful relationship. I was really inspired by her when I read about all the great things she did in her life.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mighty-mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8758771"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...(oh, you'll see more about my story and our life, as I've been selected to be on Baby Story, so we'll see how that goes....)...</div>
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<br><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span style="font-size:medium;"><span>Oh yay!!!! I am looking forward to seeing that!!</span></span></span><br><br><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:'Comic Sans MS';"><span>Oh, and by the way Jess; I personally think you *do* look like Amy. There are features in your face that I can see the sisterly similarities! You're both beautiful!</span></span></span>
 
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