[Piper's mama]

Ok, here is my dilemma. I have, to say the least, a strained relationship with my MIL. This is going to be my first HB, and my DD will be 22 months old when the new babe comes (about 2 weeks from now). DD is very, very sensitive and I have decided to have someone get her when labor starts. The logical choice is MIL, and frankly DH would probably be irritated if she wasn't the designated person. My plan is to call her as soon as labor begins to pick DD up. And I know that I will want DD home as soon as the baby is born. My concern is that this woman is going to bring her frenetic, crappy, pitiful energy into my birthing space, while I'm in labor, and then I am going to have to deal with her after she brings DD home, when all I am going to want to do is cuddle up on the bed with the 4 of us, alone. All I can think to do is smudge the house immediatly after she leaves (I am going to smudge at some time anyway). That will put me in a good head space and help me get rid of negativity (hopefully). Not sure what to do PP with her. She can come in and say a quick hi and see the baby, but then I want her out. To be honest I would love for DH to handle the situation, but I don't want to put him in the middle. Any suggestions would be really, really helpful...

 

[charmander]

Can you have a trusted friend bring DD to grandma's when you start labor, thereby avoiding MIL even being at your house?

 

[Pandora114]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Piper's mama Ok, here is my dilemma. I have, to say the least, a strained relationship with my MIL. This is going to be my first HB, and my DD will be 22 months old when the new babe comes (about 2 weeks from now). DD is very, very sensitive and I have decided to have someone get her when labor starts. The logical choice is MIL, and frankly DH would probably be irritated if she wasn't the designated person. My plan is to call her as soon as labor begins to pick DD up. And I know that I will want DD home as soon as the baby is born. My concern is that this woman is going to bring her frenetic, crappy, pitiful energy into my birthing space, while I'm in labor, and then I am going to have to deal with her after she brings DD home, when all I am going to want to do is cuddle up on the bed with the 4 of us, alone. All I can think to do is smudge the house immediatly after she leaves (I am going to smudge at some time anyway). That will put me in a good head space and help me get rid of negativity (hopefully). Not sure what to do PP with her. She can come in and say a quick hi and see the baby, but then I want her out. To be honest I would love for DH to handle the situation, but I don't want to put him in the middle. Any suggestions would be really, really helpful...

Well you could very well labour at night and birth first thing in the morning

Then your child would be sleeping through it and voila! wake up when babe arrives and there's no need for your MIL to show.

 

[MommytoTwo]

Why cant your DH go pick her up? That way MIL can stay home. I would MUCH rather be alone with the baby for an hour while DH runs out than deal with MIL immediately after giving birth. <<shudder>>

 

[Kellym]

My MIL has insisted on being at all of my births and so far I've managed to keep her FAR FAR away!

I personally wouldn't even risk having her there. Heaven knows how pesty MILs can be. She may get there and insist on staying, just in another room or she may get there, bring so much negativity that it sets a bad tone for you all together. I'd rather have a close friend come over, one who I know supports my decision to HB and is positive and encouraging. My mom had been at my first 3 births and wasn't too thrilled about my choosing to HB #4. As the day got closer she asked if she could at least be in the house, just in a different room. I decided to not even call her on the morning I went into labor and called her about 15 minutes after baby was born. She then came over about 3 hours later to see us. I wouldn't risk the negativity AT ALL. Is your 22 month old 'needy' to where she won't let you labor in peace if she is there? All 3 of my kids 6, 4, 25 months were with us at my last birth and they did great. This time all 4 will be there (now ages 8, 6 at the time of birth, 4 & 26 months.)

 

[Piper's mama]

DD's Godfather is the "backup" person for picking her up, and his wife will actually be attending the birth. I would love for him to pick her up because in addition to being a great friend he is totally (I mean really) crazy about birth and babies. Maybe I can get him to pick up DD and take her to Grandma's. Maybe he can "accidently" show up with his wife

:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kellym Is your 22 month old 'needy' to where she won't let you labor in peace if she is there?

DD is super duper sensitive. She hates to see anyone in pain, or sad, (hates it whenever another child cries). Here is an example- I had a teeny scrape on my knee on Saturday, and everytime she saw it she pointed to it, talked about it with a very concerned look on her face, and kissed it to make it better. I know if she were anywhere in the house while I was in labor she would be very concerned and probably work herself up into crying, especially if i was not able to talk to her. That would escalate into me wanting to care for her, and not being able to give this baby all of my focus...

Thanks Mama's for the great advice and support

 

[ladybugchild77]

Oh Mama, I feel you pain! MY MIL totally wants to be at this birth (she wasn't at the last one and neither was my family since they are all across the country). She bought a plane ticket and everything - WITHOUT ASKING!

: I convinced her (somehow...) to change her ticket to before the baby is born so she could spend time with dd. There is NO WAY that she wil be here when I am giving birth. I like the suggestion of having your "back up" take dd to her grandma's house...or could you have someone else come over to play with dd is early labor and then take her to g-mas so you could focus??? HTH and happy birthing!!!

 

[Kirsten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cmd Can you have a trusted friend bring DD to grandma's when you start labor, thereby avoiding MIL even being at your house?

This is my vote too. Or just have said trusted friend keep DD and call MIL for the first time after baby is born.

 

[aguacates]

Just another thought, but my midwife is excellent at clearing people out. My good friend just had a baby, w/the mw attending, and her mil showed up uninvited before she had even been stitched up. MIL tried to jump right in and hold the new baby and our mw also jumped right in and said that she had to leave, but could make arrangements to return another day. Definitely not as ideal as avoiding MIL's presence completely, but a good option if she somehow manages to show up anyway. Best Wishes!

 

[Emilie]

Yes- I would have your dh have dd outside ready to go when mil got there if she has to pick her up. Same with the drop off.

Ugh. what a pain.

 

[RiverSky]

I really think you should get a friend to come pick up your DD or to stay with DD in another room and play. If MIL asks, just say that if DD needs to be picked up during the day, you will call her, but your friend will take care of her at night...then conveniently choose the nighttime to call your friend. Or just do it anyway, saying that your friend just happened to be visiting when labor started.
Then forget to call MIL until it's too late. Second births are usually quicker than the first birth, right?

This should indeed be your special time, not your MIL's. She will have years and years to be Grandma. You can even ask her to take DD out say, on the second or third day, on a special outing, as a gift to DD for being a big sister. Hopefully MIL will see this as a special way for her to be involved.

 

[~Megan~]

have you told him this? what did he say?

 

[ladybugchild77]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RiverSky You can even ask her to take DD out say, on the second or third day, on a special outing, as a gift to DD for being a big sister. Hopefully MIL will see this as a special way for her to be involved.

Oooo...I like this idea! I might have to steal it...

 

[mamafish9]

One thing I wanted to add is that I think it is perfectly reasonable of you to put DH in the "middle" of this. Can the two of you come to an agreement about what you want the time surrounding your birth to be? He doesn't need to feel the same way about MIL being there, he just needs to get that it is important for you. My MIL is a lot easier to handle when DH and I are on the same page.

 

[maciascl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Piper's mama DD's Godfather is the "backup" person for picking her up, and his wife will actually be attending the birth. I would love for him to pick her up because in addition to being a great friend he is totally (I mean really) crazy about birth and babies. Maybe I can get him to pick up DD and take her to Grandma's. Maybe he can "accidently" show up with his wife :

I think that is a GREAT idea! or as hard as it may be, just don't allow her energy to interfear with your special birth. Light some white candles to promote a positive energy. Or if you feel comfortable, some black ones to absorb her neg energy.

Also try casually talking to DH about your wanting family only time after the birth. If it doesn't come across as confrontational, then he'll have less issue with it. I have to be careful how I approach things with my DH. Also you could ask your midwife to post a sign on the door asking guests to not stay long, or would MIL ignore that?

 

[huggerwocky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo Why cant your DH go pick her up? That way MIL can stay home. I would MUCH rather be alone with the baby for an hour while DH runs out than deal with MIL immediately after giving birth. <<shudder>>

Good idea, I'd also have him bring her there if I'm not expecting a super fast labour or have a friend do it as someone already suggested.

 

[bullfrog]

I want to advocate for you to ask your husband to protect your space after the birth. It's ok to ask him to do that for you. I understand you not wanting to put him in the middle - but it doesn't have to be about you liking or disliking his mother - it is about your very tender time in the immidiate PP.

If you are ok with her dropping your DD off - popping her head in to look at the new babe and rushing out (if not rushing out herself then a gentle reminder by your DH and him rushing her out), then maybe this is the easiest thing for you.

Can you have a good heart to heart with him about taking this role after the birth? I know that at most of the births I've attended (as a doula), dad really likes having a job - a role to play - and the one they seem to take on almost inately is protecting mom and baby's space. Maybe he'll surprize you.

Good luck!!!