Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 51 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi All:<br><br>
My MIL and I have had tons of issues since DD was born. Before that, we really liked each other. She hates that I practice AP and made it clear that everything I was doing was wrong. We sort of worked that out buy me telling her I am the parent, etc. We have a sort of duplex situation wher MIL lives upstairs in her own 1bdrm apt and we live downstairs in a 3 bdrm apt. But it is a house so not really an apt.<br><br>
She is one of those people who look for something to complain about all the time! Everything could be perfect in every aspect and she will find one thing to focus on. It is really draining.<br><br>
So here is the background:<br><br>
My mom and I have a bit of a strained relationship. Often we are on and off. MIL is aware of the problems I have had with my mom. But right now, we are on again.<br><br>
My DH and I are going thru a rough patch in the marriage and have been close to separating for about a year now. Long story and I don't want to go into specifics about it. But we are darn good parents to our DD. That is the one thing we have going for us right now.<br><br>
I have suffered with PPD and find myself unmotivated at times. Especially when it comes to house cleaning. DH is not help in that dept because he is really really lazy. So often our house is a mess, big time. But I must say, DD's stuff is ALWAYS clean and her room is clean (not that she uses it for anyting other than diaper changes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">).<br><br>
My mom and I reconcilled after a huge fight about two months ago. She saw how bad it had gotten with our house and since she is not working offered to come by each day and clean up. I can't tell you what a help that has been. DH and I work full time plus and this makes it so DD and us get to spend all quality time with her when we get home (instead of spending it cleaning). It is my fault though. I just can't keep up. And DH does not do anywhere near his half.<br><br>
So occasionally my mom will come over to clean and bring her laundry. It helps her because she can get her stuff done while doing all our crap too. Did I mention she is not being paid? We are so strapped financially right now that we can't afford to pay her.<br><br>
So DH nad I pay the ENTIRE mortgage. MIL is close to retirement and on a fixed income so we take care of the house payment. MIL pays the utilities.<br><br>
Now here is the issue:<br><br>
MIL approached DH yesterday while I was at work and asked why my mom was hanging around the house all day. He said she comes by to help us with the house. She says well she hasn't done anything lately because this place is a wreck (my mom has an awful cold that my DD gave her while she babysat her while DD was sick). Also she says I don't want her bringing her laundry here. MIl says I know she is doing it then loading her car after I leave.<br><br>
Now we have had this issue before with MIL saying she didn't want my mom doing laundry at our house. I told mIL she was being petty and I would be happy to give her money for the water if that was the issue. She told me the money is not the issue. My mom does not live here so she shouldn't be doing her laundry here.<br><br>
Bottom line is we have issues in our house and she has in no way been part of the solution. She has been critical, judgemental (without all the facts), rude, and petty. She is part of the problem because she is not part of the solution.<br><br>
Sorry this was so long. Do you have any thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,825 Posts
If you and your dh own the home, and agree that your mom can do laundry there, then IMO your MIL has no say in it. Is there any way she can move out? It sounds like your life would be less stressful if you didn't have to worry about her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
862 Posts
If you pay the mortgage and she doesn't like the situation - she can find another place to live. You own the house. Sorry I am not in a great mood today, but she has no right to dictate what goes on in your house/part of the duplex. Sound slike she doesn't like being beholden to you so finds things to be petty about as a defensive reaction.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s...its only going to get worse unless you and dh set firm boundaries with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
You say MIL pays the utilities. So I would pay for the increased water usage as you have offered.<br><br>
Whose name is the mortgage in?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I guess I should clarify, she does technicially own the house.<br><br>
We pay the entire mortgage because she can't afford it and DH is an only child so will be the one to get the house in the end.<br><br>
She pays only utilities. I have offered to pay those but she said the money wasn't the issue. The issue (from her mouth not mine) is she does not want my mom doing her laundry there.<br><br>
IMO, it is all about controlling me. She wants to control the laundry because she can't control me any other way.<br><br>
Also, I think it is totally out of line for her to be questioning who I have over and when or for how long or why. DH said my mom is there to help us out and MIL said she hasn't done anything this week. Which is true but my mom has been really sick so she has been coming over and laying on the couch eating soup I made her. I mean hell, I don't even pay the woman for her help so who cares if she wants to just hang out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,143 Posts
make sure and "sleep on it" before saying/doing anything. i think it should be dh's job to relay anything to her. like you said, you dont want to regret it. who owns the house and why does mil live with you? just curious.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
Unless you have a written lease that says no guests, I would not react to the rule that MIL is trying to enforce where she doesn't want mom over.<br><br>
You could look into tenants' laws, since MIL owns the house, if you like. But sounds like it's not that simple. But if you could just say "you can't legally require x, y, z" would it help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,237 Posts
Do you and your Mil share a washer/dryer? Who owns that?<br>
If you pay the mortgage, it is your washer and dryer in your part of the house, and MIL doesn't want the money for the water used then she should be quiet or move out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dawn1221</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949233"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess I should clarify, she does technicially own the house.<br><br>
We pay the entire mortgage because she can't afford it and DH is an only child so will be the one to get the house in the end.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
So I guess the question is,<br><br>
do you want to move out of the house she owns and live your own life,<br><br>
or do you want to stay living with her in the house she owns and set boundaries.<br><br>
I think having dh handle these conversations might not be a bad idea.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,239 Posts
Tell you mil that your mom cleaning is payment enough for the doing of some laundry and if that isnt good enough you will pay the extra for her using the washing machine.<br><br>
I would tell her as well that since you pay the mortgage she shouldnt be complaining.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
We do share the washer and dryer. MY DH bought both originally but recently the washer has been replaced and she paid for it. So technicially she owns half of it.<br><br>
She does own the house. We moved in to help her because she is close to retiring and is on a limited income. Plus we needed more space when we had DD so it only made sense. In fact before DD came along we lived upstairs in the smaller unit and she lived downstairs.<br><br>
We switched when I was 9.5 months PG (and couldn't lift a thing) after asking her if we could switch when I first got pg and she said no. She lives alone.<br><br>
PS<br>
did I mention DH has two sons who are 15 and 17 years old. They only come every other weekend but their room has always been downstairs. It only made sense to switch since we paid for the entire mortgage and needed the space. But she was adamant she would not do it. That was a thorn for a while too. Totally unreasonable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,149 Posts
Personally, (and I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know) your dd needs both you and dh and you both owe it to her and yourselves to try everything to keep your family intact.<br><br>
MIL is a grown woman. If she can't afford the house payment on her own then help her find a solution but do not let her guilt you if you decide to move from the house. I see two answers - she moves or you guys move.<br><br>
You need more physical space from your MIL because she obviously doesn't see the boundary line (or she is choosing to ignore it).<br><br>
Getting away from her so that you can better control the contact will do wonders for your marriage.<br><br>
Best wishes!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momtwice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949358"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So I guess the question is,<br><br>
do you want to move out of the house she owns and live your own life,<br><br>
or do you want to stay living with her in the house she owns and set boundaries.<br><br>
I think having dh handle these conversations might not be a bad idea.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I do want to move because it has been one problem with her after another. But in the mean time, I have tried unsuccessfully to set boundaires. She just crosses the line all the time.<br><br>
Everytime she comes downstairs (without calling first mind you) she takes our inventory. She will often make comments directed at me but to DD like "Sammy tell your mommy to pick up those cherrios off the floor, those are yucky" or "Sammy your toys are everywhere, you need to put them away".<br><br>
The issues we have are numerous.<br><br>
As for DH dealing with the situation, we are on the same page as far as my mom is concerned but he refuses to get involved. He seems to think it is my problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,149 Posts
Oh, I also wanted to add to my previous post that it is not a good idea to expect that dh will get the house. She can change her mind and leave it to a charity instead. Do you guys have anything in writing since you are paying the mortgage???<br><br>
It sounds like she might hang that one over your head, too?<br><br>
It will probably be tough with money being tight to find another place but I think it would be worth it to help strengthen your marriage and also to get out from under a MIL that tries to make you feel an obligation to her.<br><br>
In a dream world, maybe she will sell you the house and you can find her a great assisted living facility where she can be around other seniors, have great, fun activities to keep her busy, etc. We can always dream, huh! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,341 Posts
You and your dh could try to work something out with her and tell her that if an agreement can't be lived by, your family will move out. That might be a reminder to her that she needs you there - you have said that she can't afford to keep the house by herself. She is shooting herself in the foot by making things difficult for you. She shouldn't get to keep her house by having someone else pay the entire mortgage and then make their lives difficult. I have concerns about you paying all of the mortgagae for a house that is solely in her name - you are building up her equity, basically only paying rent. Is it a possibility that she and your dh could see a lawyer and have his name added to the ownership papers? That seems fair. Otherwise, you are basically in a rental situation and you should have all of the rights and protections that any tenant should have, family or not.<br><br>
Keep taking care of yourself. The stronger you get the easier her nonsense will be to handle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,558 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shantimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949642"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You and your dh could try to work something out with her and tell her that if an agreement can't be lived by, your family will move out. That might be a reminder to her that she needs you there - you have said that she can't afford to keep the house by herself. She is shooting herself in the foot by making things difficult for you. She shouldn't get to keep her house by having someone else pay the entire mortgage and then make their lives difficult. I have concerns about you paying all of the mortgagae for a house that is solely in her name - you are building up her equity, basically only paying rent. Is it a possibility that she and your dh could see a lawyer and have his name added to the ownership papers? That seems fair. Otherwise, you are basically in a rental situation and you should have all of the rights and protections that any tenant should have, family or not.<br><br>
Keep taking care of yourself. The stronger you get the easier her nonsense will be to handle.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
1) I think that either the house is sold and everyone should move to a place that they can affford, or--<br><br>
2) You and dh agree to stay on the condition that BOTH you and he are put on the mortgage documents (and you are present and sign paperwork), and tell dh that you will handle "your" problem, but his mother is not going to like it and he will hear about it from her. If you go with #2 you need to put something in writing about who does/pays for what and I think paying a mediator to help with that would be worth it. If at all possible put up a wall or a door with a lock to protect your privacy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Canadianmommax3</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">did you complain to her about your mother when you were on bad terms?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Unfortunately yes. It was a little unavoidable at the time because certain things occurred while we were living her. The big one was that suddenly I needed to find daycare for DD (my mom was watching her). It was a little hard to get around not telling MIL when I suddenly had DD in a daycare center instead of at home with my mom. BTW, my mom and I disagreed on how I wanted my DD raised (AP) so we not so nicely parted ways with that situation.<br><br>
But basically, if MIl does not like my mom it is only because she formed an opinion of her based on our interaction, not her interaction. I feel like it is a little high school of her to hate my mom because I wasn't getting along with her. Especially considering I have since reunited with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,805 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dawn1221</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949864"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Unfortunately yes. It was a little unavoidable at the time because certain things occurred while we were living her. The big one was that suddenly I needed to find daycare for DD (my mom was watching her). It was a little hard to get around not telling MIL when I suddenly had DD in a daycare center instead of at home with my mom. BTW, my mom and I disagreed on how I wanted my DD raised (AP) so we not so nicely parted ways with that situation.<br><br>
But basically, if MIl does not like my mom it is only because she formed an opinion of her based on our interaction, not her interaction. I feel like it is a little high school of her to hate my mom because I wasn't getting along with her. Especially considering I have since reunited with her.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
sounds like she has other issues, but maybe not involve her with your issues with your mom. She sounds like she may be a tad jealous now you and your mom are speaking and mom is helping out.<br><br>
It certainly sucks for you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,547 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Shantimama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7949642"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is it a possibility that she and your dh could see a lawyer and have his name added to the ownership papers? That seems fair. Otherwise, you are basically in a rental situation and you should have all of the rights and protections that any tenant should have, family or not.<br><br>
Keep taking care of yourself. The stronger you get the easier her nonsense will be to handle.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I have told DH to discuss the title with her and he won't. He is too chicken to deal with it.<br><br>
She has mentioned selling the house before and I am fine with that frankly. I won't have that held over my head. As for her giving the house to the cats or something, that would be fine too. But she is old school and has many many times mentioned it will be DH's house in the end.<br><br>
As for it being a rental situation, that is the part I have accepted. I was ok with it (for now). But she can't even act like we are tenants. She is just too controlling.<br><br>
Again, I want to move so badly. But DH does not want to.<br><br>
I am starting to think the best thing for all is if I take DD and leave. I can get into a roommate situation with someone (we co-sleep so DD really does not need a room of her own). DH and I are having tons of money issues and it is because he is not carrying his weight right now. Nor is he even trying to help out (another long thread. let me tell you).
 
1 - 20 of 51 Posts
Top