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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
yep mommas its another 'arrghh my darn MIL' thread. ha,ha. ok but i have a question on how to respond to her on this:

we have been arguing back and forth about the AAP study on pacifiers and cribs. i sent her all the facts and everything and she still stands by the AAP..blah,blah,blah..whatever but ok..all my emails have this signature at the bottom of them (i stole the quote from a momma on here ):

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

Encourage,support,protect BREASTFEEDING!
the breastfeeding protection intiative. www.lalecheleague.org


well i jus tgot an email from her saying this:

Quote:
Question: Are you putting that Martin Luther King quote on all of your emails or just on mine?
and then she ended her email with this:

~ Those who know it all and yet know nothing have a lot to learn. ~

which is obviously an attack at me for trying to show her the truth behind the AAP etc.and maybe shes upset too b/c she is very racist and so she cant listen to anything MLK might say.grrrrrrr.... im trying to keep this short and not go into details so i dont bore you guys but yet give you enough info to understand..anyways, how would you respond to that? i want her to know that i know that was an atack on me but do it in kinda a nice way.am i making sense? ughh she drives me crazy!!!!!!

help me be mean and nice at the same time

,
nicole

p.s i forgot to mention that the really funny thing about her using that quote is that she thinks SHE knows it all. has even said that to me!!
 

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Mils in general scare me. I don't HAVE this problem, and especially here, women seem to just have the most insanely buttinsky MILS. It's frightening!

Respond to her question, but not to her snarky (ok BITCHY) "quote."
 

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Honestly, I think I'd just start to ignore it. Not even try to battle it out with her about the why you are doing things the way you are. Just matter of factly state that this is the way you're doing it and go on.

I have similar issues with my MIL...."are you still doing that attachment thing?"..."you are going to regret not circ'ing"...."he is still sleeping in your room?"

At some point I just say, this is what we've decided and don't even engage her in conversation about it anymore. It just gets me too worked up for nothing. (especially when I know she is never going to see it my way)
 

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Yeah, I agree with the pp that said to just let it go. Do what you want to do and what you think is best for you and your family and ignore anything she has to say. It is your child, not hers...and her opinions are hers to have as well -- even if we all think they are wrong.

Next time she has anything to say, just smile and say "Thanks for your concern but we are (child's name) parents and we will raise him/her according to how we see fit. We would appreciate your respect of our parenting, even if you don't agree with it."

Then do whatever you want...

I know it is frustrating, my mom and mil are both kind of um, well, not down with AP so much... but they aren't raising our child, I am...and it just makes it so much easier to handle it in the above manner... it doesn't leave much room for big replies on their part.
 

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I kinda like putting her own quote at the bottom of your email--but I'm mean that way

Like Capt. Crunchy said, just tell her you are the parents and you will do what you see fit, if she'd like to raise another child, she's more than free to have another adn you promise you won't but in. (and yes, I've used that very line--and it worked)
 

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Have you told her simply that you use the quote in all your emails?

I haven't read the study (I like my blood pressure where it is), but it occured to me that pacifiers are ARTIFICIAL nipples. Nipples that aren't available, if baby is not in bed with you. So if crib-sleeping with a pacifier at-the-ready is supposedly good, then obviously, since it's copying nature, co-sleeping with a human, lactating, nipple is going to be even better.

Why do the formula advertisements ALWAYS state that they are substitutes for breastmilk, but study-finishers (the ones who create the end statement based on their interpretation) and regular people always forget that the *natural* things are what the artificial companies are *always* imitating?

Where else but in nature are the artificial companies getting their ideas?
 

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Thank you for reminding me what a great MIL I have - I can't wait until she arrives from PA tomorrow! (She's a retired La Leche League Leader and is VERY supportive of our parenting style!
)

As far as you MIL goes - It may be easier to agree to disagree, as long as she understands that you are doing what is right for you and your family.

THe thing about the article is that it doesn't take into consideration the studies that show a decreased risk of SIDS in babies who cosleep in a SAFE cosleeping environment. According to the AAP statement (if I remember correctly) it's the unrestricted sucking at night that decreases the risk, so it shouldn't matter if it's at the breast or on a pacifier (articficial nipple, dummy, etc.)

to you for having to deal with the whole situation!
 

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My new line for my MIL is this : "Every mom is the expert of her very own baby. You were the expert of your babies, I am the expert of my baby."

Also, does your dh stand up to her? I've found that it is much more effective for my dh to tell her that we are doing what we find appropriate and please butt out, thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
hee,hee the funny thing is that if i tell her something she treats me like i know nothing and am a child but it my dh tells her the same thing she shuts up and says nothing back. i guess i just let her walk over me to much
 

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Honestly, I'd just not engage in any conversation about your parenting. You can either let her know upfront that that subject is off limits, or you can placate her to shut her up.

I used to get really upset by my MIL until one day it just occured to me that she's just a person. Her opinions don't matter to me and I don't need her approval or understanding. If she wants to get worked up about something I do, I can't stop her. I can only control my own reaction to her. Since then I've felt pretty much at peace with anything she says.
 

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We're keeping just about everything we do a secret from my MIL. She can't criticize what she doesn't know about.
She keeps trying to get out of me how much I am holding the baby. I play dumb and hedge her questions. She wouldn't send me articles, she would just say something negative about how our parenting is spoiling (or otherwise jeopardizing) the baby anytime the baby made the smallest noise or did anything less than perfect in her eyes. They came to visit when the baby was four weeks old, and when they arrived, babe was very soundly asleep. MIL kept asking me when I was going to put the baby to bed. I honestly could not figure out what the heck she was talking about. She wanted me to put the baby away where they could not hold her after they drove all that way to see her?!? It just didn't register that that was what she wanted me to do. Well, it was what she wanted me to do, because apparently the baby's grandparents holding her (while babe is sound asleep) and the grandparents are in town for a visit, would SPOIL the baby. Oh, my word. I never could have predicted that one. So, MIL just won't get to know our true selves, in a way, which is sad, but her choice, really. I'm making her sound awful, and I actually really love her, but she deeply, deeply, believes what her pediatrician told her 40 and 50 years ago, and she is the type of person who lets her opinions about things be known, and I don't want to hear it when it comes to my child. So that's that.

From other past experiences, too, I've come to the conclusion that once someone has shown that they feel free to attack my choices, and I keep sharing information with them anyway, they are going to view it as an invitation to comment or debate. Like if I am telling them about it, I am thereby entering into a discussion about it with them. So I just stop telling.
 

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I'm not a very nice person, maybe, because I would probably send her an email with a sig like "Nasty mother-in-laws turn into LONELY grandmas" or some such.

Quote:
"Every mom is the expert of her very own baby. You were the expert of your babies, I am the expert of my baby."
EXCELLENT line! I may be using that one soon!

I tend to respond to the "helpful suggestions" (like, regarding cosleeping, quote, "Oh, honey, no! All the psychologists agree that that's the MOST DAMAGING THING you can DO to a baby!") with a airy-sounding "Oh, *that's* what someone told you, huh?" or, "Oh, well! *I'm* the mom!" or maybe just one of those "Oh-now-I've heard it ALL!" laughs. And that's it. I know, everything depends on your relationship ... and I don't know your MIL ... But the way I think about it is, nothing anyone says will change my beliefs and instincts. So there is nothing to talk about, nothing to prove. I DO have mental conversations, the "I shoulda said this! I shoulda said that!" after one of these gems. But you can't win an argument with a stubborn MIL. OTOH, raising up a gem of a child is the ultimate winning hand. Visualize MIL ten years from now, shaking her head at Genuis Grandchild and saying "I have to admit it, you sure did something right with that child!" Even if it never will happen, the picture might give you strength here-and-now.
 

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I tend to be a keep the peace person, so I'd probably send an email saying that the signature goes out on all emails and was not intended to take a snipe at her (I wouldn't apologise but I would try to also keep the email light hearted enough).

If people offer me advice which are contrary to my beliefs and I know that person is pigheaded in their beliefs, I just say "Oh okay" (like I'm thinking about it) and leave it.

However if dodging cannot be avoided and the retort from the other person is "you'll spoil the child" or "you'll regret it", I reply with a smile "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" or "It will my problem then, won't it?"
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookworm
MIL kept asking me when I was going to put the baby to bed. I honestly could not figure out what the heck she was talking about. She wanted me to put the baby away where they could not hold her after they drove all that way to see her?!? It just didn't register that that was what she wanted me to do. Well, it was what she wanted me to do, because apparently the baby's grandparents holding her (while babe is sound asleep) and the grandparents are in town for a visit, would SPOIL the baby. Oh, my word. I never could have predicted that one.
Aren't grandparents supposed to "spoil" their grandkids? My dd hardly gets put down at all if either set of grandparents are in town.

I would just tell her you appreciate her advice, but you have thought it over and researched it, and have decided to do things this way.
 
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