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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>I've posted a few time about my MIL. Dh and I sat down with her and FIL (again) and had a long talk (again) about the idea that she still doesn't think she's done anything wrong and she's a victim.</p>
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<p>We addressed it mainly as, We need to know that if we say no that you will respect that. We want you more in DS's life, but if you can't respect that then you can't be.</p>
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<p>It started off really badly, her basically screaming at me and accused me of never having a grandmother's love <span><img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif">. I just said Wow, Dh you want to take over because this isn't working. </span></p>
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<p><span>So great things I actually got her to admit.</span></p>
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<p><span>Yes, she thinks when the baby comes in her door the baby is hers and she can do whatever she wanted. </span></p>
<p><span>Yes, she would glare at me when I held DS, but because of the above assumption.</span></p>
<p>Yes, she has been flippant about our concerns because she doesn't share them. (like letting an aggressive dog near DS)</p>
<p>She doesn't understand our parenting and doesn't want to (also said its your life do whatever you want)</p>
<p>Yes, she didn't care about me after the baby was born, she only wanted to see the baby and couldn't care less whether I was there of not.</p>
<p>Yes, she thought I was trying to keep Dh and DS away from her.</p>
<p>Yes, I am the only problem she did nothing wrong.</p>
<p>There is something wrong with me, everyone else is ok with grandparents being the way she has been.</p>
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<p>I feel vindicated and not crazy.</p>
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<p>Dh got across. This is not about her, this is about us. We are going to parent the way we want, whether she agrees or not and our choices have nothing to do with her.</p>
<p>No means NO, (one this was said a little bit of light went on)</p>
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<p>FIL finally stood up for us. and everything she started to fight us on her actually defended US (never saw that coming) Like when I explained "Yes you hold our children, but not without asking and not until they are comfortable either in the enviorment and with you." FAIL said "hey you know that's probably why I didn't like my grandmother growing up she would just grab me. "</p>
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<p>I think she still thinks we're crazy, but understands she can't get her way (and feels very upset about that) but knows that DH and I are on the same side and we won't put up with anything. DH said, "I'm just trying to make sure you understand our boundaries" MIL said "We do, I just don't understand why there have to be any."</p>
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<p>So mind not changed, but behavior hopefully modified!!!!</p>
 

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<p>Sounds really good just don't let her get by with violating any of the boundaries at all or she won't believe you and DH are serious. I hope things get better for you.</p>
 

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<p>I once heard a quote that went something like "the reason to confront should be to get closer".  It sounds like that is what you did.  While she may feel uncomfortable; the truth often is.  I admire both you and your husband for being so authentic, sticking up for your child and yourselves, and also caring enough to be so honest.  I think you have actually given her a real gift. Whether she can accept it or not will be up to her.    It sounds like your baby is going to grow up learning how to stand up for her/himself.</p>
 

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<p>With the few times dh and I have tried to talk to MIL, she never admitted her faults. I hope your MIL reflects on this conversation and maybe in time you will see her act more appropriate with you and your dc. But I do think it is better for a child to not have a relationship with unstable GP than to have one and be negatively effected.</p>
 

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<p>I'm so glad you and DH discussed things with her together. Even better than FIL agreed. I agree with the poster who said to make sure you don't let her get away with violating the boundaries you've setso that she knows you are serious. I hope she understands and appreciates you two discussing things with her. I hope things go well. I think it's a huge step that she admitted the things she's done wrong.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
<p>       Sadly, we just had an unexpected death in the family on Saturday. I am so glad this was 'fixed' on Friday. We've been over their house twice already and things seem so much better already. AND everyone else in the family actually is agreeing with what I am doing with DS (and not just ok, but yes that totally makes sense I want that for my kids) so far with what has come up, ie they are welcome to hold him once he is comfortable in the enviroment and if he says its ok.</p>
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<p>I'm really hopeful, I just feel bad for Dh's siblings because I know she will jump right back to her old ways with their kids (she actually said exactly this)</p>
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<p>Thanks so much!!!<br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>intentionalmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280680/mil-update-i-think-success#post_16061319"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>   It sounds like your baby is going to grow up learning how to stand up for her/himself.</p>
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<p>Thanks! Dh and I talked alot about this. I was raised to stand up for myself, Dh was raised not to. We're hoping DS will.<br><br><br>
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>jeteaa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280680/mil-update-i-think-success#post_16061436"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>With the few times dh and I have tried to talk to MIL, she never admitted her faults. I hope your MIL reflects on this conversation and maybe in time you will see her act more appropriate with you and your dc. But I do think it is better for a child to not have a relationship with unstable GP than to have one and be negatively effected.</p>
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<p>Well she admitted her faults, but doesn't see them as faults, but does see that I do. I agree about unstable GP. I'm hoping this will stay good.<br><br><br>
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<p>Below( why can't I type after this quote?) Yeah, I think this will be revisited over and over, but atleast now it won't be a "i didn't know' fight.</p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ssh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1280680/mil-update-i-think-success#post_16060727"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>Sounds really good just don't let her get by with violating any of the boundaries at all or she won't believe you and DH are serious. I hope things get better for you.</p>
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