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I'm really getting anxious about this. She won't be here until June but she already has the air ticket. MIL lives in Europe and visits each year since Drew was born but only for a week! DH made these plans with her to visit this summer without discussing it with me!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hopmad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hopping mad"> I'm really worried that I'm going to stress the whole 6 weeks and I'm wondering if any of you mamas have ideas for coping or am I just over reacting? Help! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/crap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crap">
 

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Wow, I don't think you are overreacting. In fact, I would be ALL OVER my husband for making plans like that without discussing it with me! Gee!<br><br>
I'd be tempted to "make plans" with out discussing it with him - plans to be GONE part (most?) of that time.<br><br>
Can you discuss it with him now, and express to him that this is simply too long?<br><br>
I think you have a bigger problem with your rather non-communicative husband inviting long-term houseguest without your knowledge, than in your MIL coming for a month and a half.
 

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Nope, you're not over-reacting at all. I would be livid under the circumstances. WHY is she staying for so long? 6 weeks is well past a "visit". I'd go absolutely insane if my mom or MIL were going to be in my home that long!
 

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This sounds like something my dh would do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"><br><br>
Is there anyway that she could stay at a hotel for part of the time? Maybe you could think up some excuse for that? At least that would keep her (somewhat) out of your hair....
 

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I'd probably end up making my own plans to be gone some of that time, if he were so inconsiderate to me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: And, take the kids with me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> I'm sorry, mama! My dh invites his folks up all the time, then tells me the night before they're coming (at, like 10 pm with the house a wreck) all the time. Luckily, they can only stay for a few hours, but still...
 

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That would be grounds for divorce in this house.<br>
Not really, but I would make sure it didn't happen.<br>
6 weeks is too long to have anybody in your home, much less your mother-in-law.<br>
Just say NO. Plane tickets can be changed. It'd be worth the penalties.
 

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No. Is your husband still alive? You didn't overreact<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
I would be conveniantly out of town for part or all of that six weeks.<br><br>
Is he taking six weeks off work to attend to his mother?<br><br>
Ha!!! But he, for some strange reason, *expects* *you* to entertain *his* mother (and, lets be honest, folks, most of us have no use for our MIL's.)<br><br>
I would either spit in his food every day 'till June or make plans of my own and I have never spat upon anyone's food.<br><br>
Debra Baker
 

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Five letters: H O T E L.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DebraBaker</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Ha!!! But he, for some strange reason, *expects* *you* to entertain *his* mother (and, lets be honest, folks, most of us have no use for our MIL's.)</div>
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grr...my dh and fil *always* run off together and leave me alone w/ mil...usually for most of their visit. Drives me crazy!
 

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I understand your reaction. My FIL works a rotating work shift and expects me to be ready for him to come over on any day off and his relief weeks.. he never asks if he can come over, just assumes he can and gets really pissy when I have something marked on the calendar on one of his days off. SO my advice is to put a calendar in the kitchen and write stuff in so you can have other escape plans. I put in all my LLL meetings, and pretend playdates and "meetings".."conferences".. I know it sounds mean... but I can't deal with him every week. I hate the way he plays with DS, I hate the way he talks to DS... I hate the way he tells DS what sports he'll play and college he'll go to.. get it? sorry for the vent.. FIL pissed me off yesterday and I am still ticked.. PLUS DS is allergic to cats FIL has 3 and DS gets a nasty rash whenever FIL holds him... ugh..<br><br>
you are so not overreacting!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you all.<br>
I might just have to make a few plans for those 6 weeks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br>
I've already told DH I think 6 weeks is too long, apparently it is too late for her to change her tickets or he just isn't willing to tell her. So I've resigned to the fact that she is coming and I'm going to have to survive one way or another. My biggest concern is that she likes to make parenting decisions and act on them without my consent <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: I've already spoke with DH about this and I'm willing to play nice if she doesn't step on my toes.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief">
 

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Last year my MIL was here during the winter for eight weeks (yes, 8, and I was about to kill her by the time she left and I think she was happy to go) and 4 or 5 in the fall. The fall was better because it was shorter but also I think because she's starting to learn WHEN TO SHUT UP which is one of my biggest problems with her (and DH's too actually). When we have two kids (which we will by the next time she comes) it will be easier I think b/c the attention will be divided instead of us always facing off over what to do with the one kid.<br><br>
My DH always talks to me first about it, and really she comes to help him b/c he's the SAHD (if I were the SAHP, she would be coming for 3 weeks max) and since that's the case I don't feel like I can say no, she's not coming for that long. If having her here periodically helps keep him sane so he can either finish a home project or take a temporary out of home project, and otherwise makes him happy to be a SAHP the rest of the time, fine. I'd rather have FIL here to help with the kids, but he won't leave his elderly mother with MIL even for a two week visit, so that's where we are. Part of the problem with her being here on long visits is that she speaks no English so naturally she is bored to tears after a while (she's not a big reader either which doesn't help) and since I do the parenting almost 100% on the weekend and evenings and really don't want a whole lot of interference (ie, it's my time), she is sort of left with nothing to do and I have to think of ways to entertain her (though DH is getting better at doing some of that). I actually leave her to her own devices more recently and dont' worry as much about the entertainment factor. I figure it's something she has to work out with DH if she's bored-- after all, she's coming here at his request, not mine and if she doesn't want to come, she should talk to him about it.<br><br>
This year, b/c we are having a baby soon I said one visit and only after the baby is 6 months old (she CANNOT be here during my last trimester or shortly after the birth- NO WAY) since most of my big issues with her are with prior to 6 months (ie, I don't want to supplement or give solids this time and I really worry about the way she wraps up babies too warmly in terms of SIDS, which I will be less worried about after 6 months) and I know when I'm not around she does things I would prefer her not to do, so I'm not taking my chances with her being around while I'm working prior to 6 months. We'll actually be in Russia for a month this summer anyway while I'm still on leave, but I'll have full control over feeding and dressing and she'll have her own activities to keep her busy.<br><br>
All in all last year I spent 8 weeks with her here, 2 weeks in Russia, and 4-5 more weeks here-- which is about 5 times as much time as I get with my own mother (who, unlike her, is still working (my mom is 10 years younger, and they retire earlier in Russia anyway) and can't come for extended visits).<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Hotel is out of the question and I would be considered evil for even suggesting it. Can't afford it anyway (we would be paying).<br><br>
Advice? Pick your battles, count to 10 and complain to someone outside the family when you need to vent who is happy to swap MIL horror stories (which is actually a very large proportion of the population<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> -- I'm always willing). I've made the mistake of complaining and being overly sensitive about her to DH way too much. With really important parenting issues (like food issues, discipline issues, etc) I would just say up front this is what is not up for negotiation and have DH reinforce that (if possible). Nonetheless, the fact he invited her without telling you or asking you is definitely problematic. That one needs to be hashed out now.
 

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The 6 weeks wouldn't bother me at all. Dh is European and it was understood from the beginning of our relationship that we have to compromise on many cultural issues, including the fact that my idea of "vacation" and his (including visits from family) are different. When we visit them it's certainly not for just a week or two and I would assume that their visits are not short either. But not asking is simple inconsideration on your dh's part. He should have told you. Did you not have even the slightest idea that the MIL was coming? If I had even a slight inclination that in-laws were coming to visit, my first question would be "how long" because I know it would be between 1 and 6 months. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I definitly feel for you... that's something that will definitely blind-side you!! Good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ann-Marita</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow, I don't think you are overreacting. In fact, I would be ALL OVER my husband for making plans like that without discussing it with me! Gee!<br><br>
I'd be tempted to "make plans" with out discussing it with him - plans to be GONE part (most?) of that time.<br><br>
Can you discuss it with him now, and express to him that this is simply too long?<br><br>
I think you have a bigger problem with your rather non-communicative husband inviting long-term houseguest without your knowledge, than in your MIL coming for a month and a half.</div>
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Ann-Marita,<br><br>
2nd that. Don't have nothing else to add to it.<br><br>
Thank you.
 

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OMG! I can't even imagine... and yet, I can because my husband is from Iran and when Iranians visit, they never leave. Well, they do, but only after you've had a complete nervous breakdown. Luckily they can't come here due to visa issues, so I've dodged that bullet so far.
 

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Oh good grief. Six weeks? In your house? You would think your DH would show more concern for the mental health of the women in his life, since you'll both likely be fairly twitchy by the end of this "visit".<br><br>
Be busy. Be very, very busy. Make up errands to run, people to see. Have friends call you with "emergencies". Chair a committee or two (even if that committee meets at the local grocery store and decides on what flavor coffee your best friend buys). Take care of any and all to do lists. Offer to feed the cats of any and all people you know who may be leaving town. Have a very large calendar prominently displayed with can't miss appointments scribbled all over it. Just get out of the house. You're no good to your kids if you're locked up for homicide.<br><br>
Oh, and I'm not usually a proponent of keeping score in a marriage. In my opinion, it generally just hurts. But I would mark this one up and I would mark it up BIG TIME. Like, weekend at spa big time.
 

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I'd suggest making a lot of plans for you and your DC during the days while MIL is there. I think at this point, forcing your MIL to go to a hotel or even letting MIL know that you are not happy about her long visit will simply be a hurtful thing for her to hear and will deteriorate your relationship with her for years to come. (been there, done that) I honestly think it's best if you grin and bear it, try your best to get time away. Perhaps you could even set up a mini-vacation for all of you, where you both have separate hotel rooms and go to a different location.<br><br>
Could you take advantage of having your MIL there and set up a weekly date with your DH as a way to get out of the house, away from her with time to vent to your DH about having her there? When else will you have a built-in babysitter?<br><br>
When we recently had family visit, I tried to combat the "driving me crazy" factor by keeping us really busy with touristy events, days out, times when I would take the children for playgroup and plenty of dinners at restaurants. My guests were tired from all the activity and requested time to relax, so that helped too.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DebraBaker</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(and, lets be honest, folks, most of us have no use for our MIL's.)</div>
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Speak for yourself. My MIL is a wonderful woman and an incredible grandmother to my daughter. She helps out all the time and I trust her implicitly with my child.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ann-Marita</strong></div>
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I'd be tempted to "make plans" with out discussing it with him - plans to be GONE part (most?) of that time.</div>
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yep, that's what i'd be working on unless there was a huge discussion regarding why he'd even consider making these plans without your consent, and why 6 weeks is even necessary!<br><br>
that said, my friend's IL's come for MONTHS at a time from Serbia b/c they go so long between visits. it's a long time & everyone gets used to it & is comfortable. she feels absolutely no obligation to hang around with the IL's all day, nor to take them everywhere she goes. it could be a nice time & you might get a break here & there that you're not used to.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Be busy. Be very, very busy. Make up errands to run, people to see. Have friends call you with "emergencies". Chair a committee or two (even if that committee meets at the local grocery store and decides on what flavor coffee your best friend buys). Take care of any and all to do lists. Offer to feed the cats of any and all people you know who may be leaving town. Have a very large calendar prominently displayed with can't</td>
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well said! i LOVE the idea of the huge calendar. no missing it!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AidansMommy1012</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Chair a committee or two (even if that committee meets at the local grocery store and decides on what flavor coffee your best friend buys).</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I really feel for you. My MIL is living this second puberty (divorced but has a long term b/f, drinks like a college kid), and drives me nuts. She wants us to drop everything and come up with $100 to come see her while she is on vacation about 5 hours from us. She weas just here and it was enough to last me until we have to go to Ohio for 6 days--do't get me started!! She gets drunk and wants to cuddle DS and talks so loud and long that she will keep us up until 4 am. GRRR good luck, definitely try to get out of the house and away from her.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 
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