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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Our ds is turning 1 in a few weeks. We are going to be throughing him a party at our home and my family/friends and dh's are all invited. It will be a vegan affair
No set date yet. Im really excited and our families and friends get along.
Well, last night my SIL told me that they won't be coming to our party. That my MIL has decided that she wants to through a party at their house
: I asked mu SIL why and she gave me a smerk.
I then said "is it the cats?"
"no"
"the food"
"no"
"then what"
"she wants to control things"
WTF, I don't understand why she would do this. We aren't going unless she comes to our party. thIs lady drives be crazy sometimes. I love her but i just don't understand her. She is exactly like Marie Beron (sp?) off of everybody loves Raymond and my dh is Raymond

I don't know what to say to her when she approaches me with this. I think she had my SIL talk to me first about it.
 

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tough luck, lol...
why would you have your sons first birthday at her house? that makes no sense... good luck dealing with it
 

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I would say, I am sorry, my child is having "one and only one" first birthday party. We are his parents, and we are making the choices, not you. The party will be at our house, with the menu that we choose. If you choose not to show up, then you are the one who is going to loose out on seeing a huge first in your grandchild's life. If you choose not to come, we are not going to make it up to you by allowing you to throw your own party for him.

Sorry, I have a bad attitude about this, but I have over controlling "in-laws" and as a result neither of my children got birthday parties this year, and it pisses me off. I tried for 6 weeks to suit all of their needs and it wouldn't work. Then they have the nerve to show up to my second to last Synchronized skating practice and celebrate the kids birthdays with them, whlie I am not able to be there. My children didn't even get a party with their friends, because I was so "sick" of dealing with all the crap. I made the plans 6 weeks in advance, called them all to tell them, and was basically told sorry "Boy Scouts are more important than our grandson's first birthday, and going to church at only XYZ time is more important". (OK, most will say the second is valid, but when you consider they always change the time they goto church and church they attend when FIL has a Boy Scout camping trip, to me it is bogus - if they can make the change for Boy Scouts, they can make the change for a birthday party that fits into their grandkids schedule.)

Melissa S.
 

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Let her do whatever she wants. They don't come to the party? Their loss. They expect you to go to their place for a party of their choosing? Don't go. Just don't show up. I fhtey surprise you with it(like it was just supposed to be a visit, surprise! here's the cake) leave.

What I'm saying is I wouldn't bother fighting over it, because MIL sounds like a total weirdo
Just do what you're going to do. If she misses her grandchilds first birthday because she'd rather be cntrollong, well, I can't imagine a person like that and frankly wouldn't waste a second feeling sorry fro he ris she regretted it later.

Try to let it go, roll off your back, insert cliche of choice here, because you don't need the stress, especially while trying to plan a cool party, and it doesn't sound like engaging her will make a bit of difference anyway.
 

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I would just ignore the whole issue and go about as planned- send her an invite and such. If she then confronts you about simply state the invites are out so changing the venue is out of the question. If she then mentions something about SIL talking w/ you can just shrug it off and say "well since you didn't come to me yourself I didn't think it was that big of an issue. Thanks for offering but we got it covered." and leave it at that. If she choses to throw a hissy fit ignore her, she'll end up looking like the crazy one. Hopefully she learn from this that you don't deal w/ the he said she said crap and that you are in control of you own child.

Best of luck.
 

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So here's what I'm wondering. How does one's mother-in-law plan a party for someone else? Seriously, is she planning on making her own guest list and sending out invites. She will just send you an invite to your own child's party without your prior consent? How is it that she will have physical possesion of the guest of honor without your consent?

If your MIL is like mine, then she is probably planning on having some excuse why she can't make it to your party and then she is going to hatch the plan by stating that she will just have some for dgc at her house on _____day or the next time your over.

BTW is this about cake? Just wondering b/c my IL's and I tend to have major issues with appropriate foods for my children. Is she trying to force "cake" here?

I think alot of what you should do will be based on what her plans really are. Is she going to go your dh route. Like call him up and totally skip your approval by getting his? That is another tactic my IL's use. They know my dh has no backbone when it comes to saying no to them.

I just really don't see how she could be planning anything "in lieu" of your plans for "your" child.

For my dss's first birthday, my MIL called my dh and asked what our plans were? Dh and I hadn't discussed it, but I assumed he knew that we would be having a celebration(I had a 4 yr old at the time and we had done b-day parties already). So MIL was like, "Well how about I just order him a cake and we'll have it up at my house?". Dh, "Okay, that's fine." Arrrrrrrrgh
:

Needless to say I felt totally excluded and inadequate b/c dh and my MIL planned our son's first b-day. Nothing I could do at that point b/c dh wouldn't say anything to her. I make everyone a special cake in our family for there b-day. First b-days are really special. I also despise store bought cakes and all the icing that my MIL try's to stuff down the kids throats when one is around. And she did, until my dss choked and one of the guests made a comment about it to her!
She also differs with me on the whole issue of "let them have their own personal cake, cause all the stores offer them with the order of a 1st b-day cake". Blech!!!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by hip_mama
Our ds is turning 1 in a few weeks. We are going to be throughing him a party at our home and my family/friends and dh's are all invited. It will be a vegan affair
No set date yet. Im really excited and our families and friends get along.
Well, last night my SIL told me that they won't be coming to our party. That my MIL has decided that she wants to through a party at their house
: I asked mu SIL why and she gave me a smerk.
I then said "is it the cats?"
"no"
"the food"
"no"
"then what"
"she wants to control things"
WTF, I don't understand why she would do this. We aren't going unless she comes to our party. thIs lady drives be crazy sometimes. I love her but i just don't understand her. She is exactly like Marie Beron (sp?) off of everybody loves Raymond and my dh is Raymond

I don't know what to say to her when she approaches me with this. I think she had my SIL talk to me first about it.
Frankly, my first response to your post title was, "Score!" Awesome! What a lovely and easy way to prevent someone who sounds like a controlling, Marie Barone-like nightmare from making a wretched time of your child's birthday -- just hold it anywhere but her house!

Really, this is a problem because...?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
Frankly, my first response to your post title was, "Score!" Awesome! What a lovely and easy way to prevent someone who sounds like a controlling, Marie Barone-like nightmare from making a wretched time of your child's birthday -- just hold it anywhere but her house!

Really, this is a problem because...?
Why wouldn't she want to come to her grandsons 1st birthday party planned by his parents? I feel she is being disrespectful and a tad selfish.

There is also a little built up anger for me. We live about an hour away from eachother. We go to visit them (MIL, SIL, FIL) everyother week and my FIL and MIL have came to our home 2 times in the past year. When we invite them over for dinner they won't come. I don't know why. So we always go see them.

She took control of our wedding day (long story), my dhs birthday a year ago (another long story) and the list goes on. I guess im just wanting to put my foot down for this one. I have let many things go and just smilied. Maybe I should just ask whats up but im afraid im going to be opening a can of worms.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by hip_mama
I guess im just wanting to put my foot down for this one. I have let many things go and just smilied. Maybe I should just ask whats up but im afraid im going to be opening a can of worms.
I say do it. No time like the present, and if you leave the control-of-children question open a bit for folks like this (I have ILs that are probably related somehow to your MIL
), they'll run with that and you'll have nothing but trouble.

Really, I wish I'd stood up to my ILs a lot sooner than I did. When I finally decided I'd had enough and DH and I started asserting ourselves, some of their controlling ways had become habitual and it was a big mess to get it to stop. In your situation, I wouldn't say a word until she approaches you about the party she's planning, at which point I'd say, "No, thanks. I've got his birthday planned." You don't owe her an explanation and if she gives you a hard time, just stick to your guns, no defense required.

Good luck! IL relationships can be so, so hard. I just pray that my future sons and daughters IL and I will have good, open relationships!
 

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Just let her be petty and childish. And dude, no way I'd be hauling over there every other weekend for a woman like that....

-Angela
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by stellimamo
I would just ignore the whole issue and go about as planned- send her an invite and such. If she then confronts you about simply state the invites are out so changing the venue is out of the question. If she then mentions something about SIL talking w/ you can just shrug it off and say "well since you didn't come to me yourself I didn't think it was that big of an issue. Thanks for offering but we got it covered." and leave it at that. If she choses to throw a hissy fit ignore her, she'll end up looking like the crazy one. Hopefully she learn from this that you don't deal w/ the he said she said crap and that you are in control of you own child.

Best of luck.
Good advice. I'd be pissed too. But it's better to stand up now than go thru this every year. And make sure that your DH is on board.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by CryPixie83
I'd say Too bad your MIL will miss her grandson's first birthday party.
Yeah, that. Too bad so sad.
 

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There are many great responses already here...I just wanted to say I'm in the same boat with ya. Not necessarily with the birthday, but with the manipulative, controlling IL's. Especially the MIL. And mine live across the street.
:
 

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Ugh! I'm in the invite her and if she doesn't come - too bad - boat! If she tells you that she's planning something, tell her that the plans are already made. If she picks it for another day - oops, sorry, we already have something planned that day. Good luck. What a pain for you.
 

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Its too bad you MIL is putting herself in front of her grandchild. You would think she would want to see her kin celebrate their special day.

Don't have the party at her place. You will kick yourself for doing so later, and will probably end up miserable the whoollllleeee day long. It is a day of celebration - to be enjoyed by people interested in celebrating it!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by uptownzoo
Really, I wish I'd stood up to my ILs a lot sooner than I did. When I finally decided I'd had enough and DH and I started asserting ourselves, some of their controlling ways had become habitual and it was a big mess to get it to stop.
Hubby and I have tried very hard to not allow them to control our lives, but somehow MIL's can still push their son's buttons (and FIL's for that matter). They just push and push and push on certain issues until hubby and I end up in huge fights over stuff and they get their way.

For instance - hubby and I had discussed, my synchro team practice was not an appropriate place or time for his parents to come celebrate my children's birthdays. (We had moved to a new facility and space was very limited, and I have loud, noisey IL's. My FIL likes to rough house and rile up the kids to the point they are screaming and carrying on. We have 15 minutes of warmup off ice; 30 minute floor practice; then 1 1/2 hours on ice. There are about 10 youth team skaters; 8 teen team skaters and 12 adult team skaters; 2 coaches; and about 15 parents all sharing a small area. Plus the teams generally meet for about 20-30 minutes after practice to review the video or talk about needed changes.) We decided this at the same time we set b-day parties. Well, our dates for b-day parties were no good. In the end MIL/FIL kept pushing DH to let them come to my synchro practice so they could spend the time with the boys and no matter how much I reminded him of what he had already discussed he was wussing out and letting his parents come. It turned into a huge fiasco, where his parents were riling up the kids while we were trying to discuss the practice we just had and couldn't even talk because of it.)

Generally we are almost 95% independent from my IL's, we have our own lives, we run our own lives, and we don't follow their "advice", "wishes", "demands", etc. and they are not happy with us.

So, you really do need to put your foot down early on in your life with your IL's. You will eventually end up happier for it, and only have to deal with a few minor issues (like I just mentioned above).
 
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