military divorce??? advice

Certain lawyers know more about military divorce proceedings than others. Do you live near a military installation? If you do, it's likely that there are attorneys nearby who know a bit about military divorces. The military legal system will not assist you with a divorce, but they can provide you with a list of reputable civilian attorneys.

Spousal support will depend upon your husband's income and the judge's discretion. To be honest, I doubt that any judge would award you spousal support after being married for only two years.

The law says that military members CAN refuse to accept divorce papers. It doesn't say that they WILL or that they HAVE TO. Depending on where he is, you can have him served see what happens. Although I don't see what the rush is, really. You don't have to fight with him if he's not home. Waiting until he comes back seems like the best course of action, from what you've described.

I can't be of any help on how to handle your son, because I don't know his personality or the dynamic between him and your husband.

Soldiers and Salors act hender divorces for very good reasons. I know you want out. Have you talk to him about your desires? Does he feel the same way?

I would start by saving money. If he is overseas and you are in base housing use it to your advantage. Get a job or go to school. Squirel away as much money as you can. You can live pretty cheap on base. You also most likely qualify for social services like food stamps and the such. Use them and save your money.

Use medical benifits and get counciling to help you and your son sort things out. Maybe both you and your spouce could benifit and try to fix things. Being a military wife can be lonely and hard when you are shifting from single parenting to co-parenting. Being by yourself and being a wife.

Don't do stupid things on base---like break base rules. I got a few war stories about women doing this. I am 3 generation military brat.

Don't date any military member. This can get him in trouble.

Even though you don't get along with step-dad if step-dad is in love with your son and a good dad you can continue visitation for him.

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I am under the impression that BAH will just stop once a divorce is final. My ex-husband still gets BAH, but that's because he has dependent children. Even so, he gets partial rather than full BAH. We were married for eleven years and my attorney told me that any spousal support that I could have gotten would have been limited; maybe a year or two. I ended up not asking for it, anyway.

Hi! Just a quick note to let everyone know I'm moving this thread to Parenting, as it's a better fit there. Feel free to PM me or an administrator with any questions. Sorry for any inconvenience, and thanks for understanding.

My suggestion is NOT to stash money away just for yourself. If that comes out in court it would NOT be looked nicely upon. Just save as much as you can, and odds are in court the assets will be divided.

As for spousal support, after only 2 years of marriage and no children together, I highly doubt you'll get any.

There have been some great suggestions. Go back to school (you'll get in state tuition as a military spouse) and get a start towards your degree. If you or your son have any health issues, make sure to get those taken care of soon, as you'll lose your medical insurance once you're divorced.

Oh, as far as the BAH goes, for the couples I've known that have gotten divorced after only a few years in the military, generally a portion of the BAH goes to the wife until the divorce is final, and unless they have a child together after the divorce is final the military member gets partial BAH (depending on rank) for themselves, but in most cases the ex doesn't get BAH.

Anyway, this isn't from personal experience, but from what I've seen of my friend's divorces.

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If your DH is currently deployed, it is very common to go through fighting during the deployment. Trust me. I am going through this right now, though we have hit the better patch of the deployment. Things are very stressful on everyone.

I would really talk to your DH about everything you are feeling and get into some counseling during this period. Then, when he comes home go into marriage counseling. If after all of that things don't work, get a divorce.

I really hate to see spouses get divorced because of deployments. Unfortunately its very common.

I wanted to also say that deployments are HARD! Is this your first one? The fighting, the distance, the "I have no idea who he is" feeling...those are all VERY common. I love my husband very much, but after his last deployment, I had no idea who he was. When I picked him up when he got home, I had ZERO emotion. I didn't want to go get him. I didn't care he was home. It was almost a year before things leveled out again, for him and for me. You are living separate lives, and can't even truly talk about things because he doesn't have time to listen to you, and he can't really be open with you about what he's doing. Also, he's probably used to living in an all male environment...which means he's used to very little emotions, and a very organized way of doing things. It's going to be hard for him to relate to you or talk nicely to you right now. His life is tough.

I don't know where your husband is, but my husband's first deployment, he slept on a door that he found somewhere and wedged in a bedframe that he found somewhere else. It didn't really fit quite right, so it was sort of elevated and crooked. He spent 16 hours of every day wearing 100+ pounds of gear in over 100 degree weather on patrol, out in the open. The other 8 hours he was planning missions and trying to sleep a little. He ate MREs or stuff from care packages...most days he didn't get hot chow at all, and they days he did it was only once a day. Once a week or every two weeks, he'd call me and could talk for a few minutes. But that was it. Your husband is NOT going to be himself...and he's going to be hard to talk to. You are going to feel like you don't know who he is, and is going to be short-tempered and sound like a jerk. I'm not trying to make you feel bad...I'm just offering a bit of perspective. It's not just deployments, either...the workups can be SO terribly stressful, that you are almost glad to see them finally go. This is a hard life. Please think carefully before you give up your marriage...

Yes, it's SO SO hard. You both have different support groups, and it's no longer each other. That can be fixed and overcome. I highly recommend talking to the chaplain or getting some other form of couseling. This is so common...it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Everyone goes through a cycle of emotions before, during, and after a deployment. Your feelings can be extreme and difficult to handle, but you are probably within the realms of "normal". One of those cycles is "withdrawl." This is where you pull back to protect yourself from the fear of him being gone, etc. Your relationship can really suffer at this point, especially if he is in the same stage of the cycles. Following that, you began to feel like you have it under control and can function again. If you are still holding on to that withdrawl, then you start feeling like you don't need him, know him, or like him. Who is he anyway? Those feelings are also just part of the cycle. They'll pass, and move on to excitement that he's coming home (or in my case...I was finally there about a year after he got back...it was a really rough one for us.), etc.

militaryonesource.com is absolutely free to military members and their spouses. All the phone operators have college degrees and are specifically trained to handle all SORTS of situations. I was a volunteer with my husband's battalion last deployment, and believe me, I've heard a lot of crazy stuff... Anyway, you are entitled to at least 8 (I think) free counseling sessions. Nothing goes on his record, by the way. A lot of guys are nervous about seeking counseling because they don't want any trouble with their careers...it doesn't go on record.

Obviously, I don't know all the details of your situation, but wanted to agree whole heartedly with the others who have been through deployments that now is not the time (barring other factors) to decide whether or not you want to stay married. Really think it through, and please, seek consult from a professional who deals with families in the midst of deployments. They will help you think clearly and find your way through the muddle.

I have one more thing...a plea, really. I don't where your husband is, or what he is doing, but if this is simply a "I don't think I love him anymore and I hate all this fighting we're doing" thing...please, try to not fight with him, try to encourage him, and deal with this when he gets home. It's not fair to a guy under extreme stress in a combat zone (and just because he may act like it's calm doesn't mean for a second it is...those guys do ALOT they never talk about...) to keep throwing family problems in his face. It's not safe for him...and it's not safe for the other guys who need him to have a clear head when it gets tough.

I feel like I've been pretty blunt, but it's coming from a place in me that has seen this over and over...and the ruin and wreck and heartache it causes, simply because the spouses didn't understand each other, and didn't know that what they were feeling was normal, and most importantly, temporary.

I'll be praying for you to reach a wise and well-thought out decision.