This is mostly just a vent. I rarely post here, but lurk every day so I feel like I know a lot of you!
My DH's family is literally planning on descending upon me and my baby when she's born. We're using a birth center, and I've already told them they cannot come to the birth center after she's born, because we'll be home very soon after the birth and there won't be much chance for them to do anything while we're there (besides watch me deliver the placenta, establish breastfeeding, pee, and get some sleep). They all want to come over right after we get home----we had to tell them not to come over until we call them and tell them we're settled in and it's a good time, but we had to reassure them (WE had to reassure THEM!) that we would definitely let them see her within the first day (and for some, they wanted "within a few hours" reassurance----MIL, specifically).
I don't get to have anyone but DH and the midwife staff with me when I birth, because MIL asked from day 1 (literally the day we told her we were pregnant) to be there for the delivery. "I was at all of my other grandchildren's births, and I hope I get to be there for this one" were her words. She was at the births of HER daughters' children---never a DIL's children. Her own MIL wasn't at her births, and the MILs of her daughters weren't at any of theirs, but she doesn't see any difference. I'd love to have one of my SILs be there as a semi-doula, mostly to run the video camera and such, but can't do that because it would offend MIL that I chose them instead of her. I could do it anyways, but then would have to deal with the ramifications for years, and don't want to ruin an otherwise great relationship. And really, beyond this whole thing, she is an awesome MIL who loves me very very much, and I'm very lucky---I know that. I don't want to jeopardize that. So I'm stuck.
On top of that, BIL (kind of a shady guy in his own life, but very cool with us) wants us to tell him when I've gone in to labor so he can drive the 14 hours down here (to SC) from NY and then STAY FOR A MONTH. Not with us, but still. He's staying a month because he wants to "help out with and spend time with the baby." For a month. 30 days. 4 weeks. A MONTH.
I feel like Noriega, I swear.
I just want to spend some alone time with my new, first child----every single one of them (besides BIL) have their own children. They've been waiting about 7 years for a new grandchild/niece/etc, but I've been waiting 28 YEARS for this baby! And have been doing all the work to get her here, I should add! I've been really persistent and consistent about the boundaries, but I just feel like we're being viewed as really selfish for wanting to be alone with our baby, and that we're going to have to fight at every turn to establish our authority as parents and will probably end up stepping on a lot of toes and hurting a lot of feelings in a very short amount of time. I know they love her too---I've been there with my nieces, I never wanted to hand them back---but they act like she's theirs, and not mine. And I always assumed that you take your cues from the new parents, wait for them to offer the baby to be held, don't barge in on their space and respect that they are time-strapped and visitors are a little harder to deal with than before. I was never taught this, it's just the way I always thought was the RESPECTFUL way to act!
And I swear on all that is good and holy, if anyone else tells me how I'm going to feel/act/be after she's born, I'm going postal. "Believe me, you'll want to show her off right away." "Trust me, you'll want the help." "Oh, you'll need the break, that's for sure." You know what? It's that kind of crap that makes me want to do everything myself and never ever ask for help or take a break. And that's not good for me OR the baby. But I'm the kind of person who would do it, just to show them that they're wrong, and not everyone thinks and acts like them.
Thank G-d my DH is taking off all 12 FMLA weeks and that we are blessed enough to be able to afford it. He knows he'll be in charge of running interference and being Gatekeeper, but I don't think he really gets what that means/entails and has thought about how hard it's going to be. He's just like "sure, I can do that, no problem." If he *got* it, I think he'd be a little more nervous.
I just wish they could be more like my family and BACK OFF!!!! My sister and Mom aren't coming down until a week after my due date, and only for 4 days, and staying in a hotel even though I offered them the guest room and said I really was cool with it. They don't want to interfere too much. Man, I love them. DH's family, however, lives in-town (within a 5-mile bubble) and could never handle moving farther away because it would break the insane hold MIL has on all of them.
I almost envy Noriega, because at least he got to be alone in his place. Sure, the music was a bit loud, but still.....
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My DH's family is literally planning on descending upon me and my baby when she's born. We're using a birth center, and I've already told them they cannot come to the birth center after she's born, because we'll be home very soon after the birth and there won't be much chance for them to do anything while we're there (besides watch me deliver the placenta, establish breastfeeding, pee, and get some sleep). They all want to come over right after we get home----we had to tell them not to come over until we call them and tell them we're settled in and it's a good time, but we had to reassure them (WE had to reassure THEM!) that we would definitely let them see her within the first day (and for some, they wanted "within a few hours" reassurance----MIL, specifically).
I don't get to have anyone but DH and the midwife staff with me when I birth, because MIL asked from day 1 (literally the day we told her we were pregnant) to be there for the delivery. "I was at all of my other grandchildren's births, and I hope I get to be there for this one" were her words. She was at the births of HER daughters' children---never a DIL's children. Her own MIL wasn't at her births, and the MILs of her daughters weren't at any of theirs, but she doesn't see any difference. I'd love to have one of my SILs be there as a semi-doula, mostly to run the video camera and such, but can't do that because it would offend MIL that I chose them instead of her. I could do it anyways, but then would have to deal with the ramifications for years, and don't want to ruin an otherwise great relationship. And really, beyond this whole thing, she is an awesome MIL who loves me very very much, and I'm very lucky---I know that. I don't want to jeopardize that. So I'm stuck.
On top of that, BIL (kind of a shady guy in his own life, but very cool with us) wants us to tell him when I've gone in to labor so he can drive the 14 hours down here (to SC) from NY and then STAY FOR A MONTH. Not with us, but still. He's staying a month because he wants to "help out with and spend time with the baby." For a month. 30 days. 4 weeks. A MONTH.
I feel like Noriega, I swear.
I just want to spend some alone time with my new, first child----every single one of them (besides BIL) have their own children. They've been waiting about 7 years for a new grandchild/niece/etc, but I've been waiting 28 YEARS for this baby! And have been doing all the work to get her here, I should add! I've been really persistent and consistent about the boundaries, but I just feel like we're being viewed as really selfish for wanting to be alone with our baby, and that we're going to have to fight at every turn to establish our authority as parents and will probably end up stepping on a lot of toes and hurting a lot of feelings in a very short amount of time. I know they love her too---I've been there with my nieces, I never wanted to hand them back---but they act like she's theirs, and not mine. And I always assumed that you take your cues from the new parents, wait for them to offer the baby to be held, don't barge in on their space and respect that they are time-strapped and visitors are a little harder to deal with than before. I was never taught this, it's just the way I always thought was the RESPECTFUL way to act!
And I swear on all that is good and holy, if anyone else tells me how I'm going to feel/act/be after she's born, I'm going postal. "Believe me, you'll want to show her off right away." "Trust me, you'll want the help." "Oh, you'll need the break, that's for sure." You know what? It's that kind of crap that makes me want to do everything myself and never ever ask for help or take a break. And that's not good for me OR the baby. But I'm the kind of person who would do it, just to show them that they're wrong, and not everyone thinks and acts like them.
Thank G-d my DH is taking off all 12 FMLA weeks and that we are blessed enough to be able to afford it. He knows he'll be in charge of running interference and being Gatekeeper, but I don't think he really gets what that means/entails and has thought about how hard it's going to be. He's just like "sure, I can do that, no problem." If he *got* it, I think he'd be a little more nervous.
I just wish they could be more like my family and BACK OFF!!!! My sister and Mom aren't coming down until a week after my due date, and only for 4 days, and staying in a hotel even though I offered them the guest room and said I really was cool with it. They don't want to interfere too much. Man, I love them. DH's family, however, lives in-town (within a 5-mile bubble) and could never handle moving farther away because it would break the insane hold MIL has on all of them.
I almost envy Noriega, because at least he got to be alone in his place. Sure, the music was a bit loud, but still.....
