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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
While I was in the waiting room of the ped's office today, I was looking at the announcements on a bulletin board, and noticed a free course offering from the hospital with which the ped's office is associated - "Parenting a One-Year Old"<br><br>
The 2-3 sentence blurb underneath the title promised to help you move from the end of the nurturing phase of parenting and begin the authoritative phase... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: I forgot all of the details, because I was called in soon after, but I do remember that there was a list of topics to be covered and the first topic on the list was "helping your child achieve independence" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I feel sick to my stomach thinking that naive moms will go in there to "learn" from an "expert" and end up distancing themselves from their little babies.<br><br>
I have visions of: "Happy first birthday honey! I know you can't talk yet, and you just learned to walk last week, but stop clinging to me, because it's time you started becoming more independent. Do I have to discipline you?!"<br><br>
I hope the announcement was just poorly written...<br><br>
Anyhow - it's been bothering me so I thought I'd vent here. I didn't see the ped today (only a nurse for about 30 seconds) but when I see him next I may comment on this...
 

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I got a similar flyer from my local child care office. Basically it said when a child turns one, they need to be learning independence from mom. Self feeding, own bedroom (if you hadn't introduced it by three months) and discipline. My little bee is still doing really well with redirection. The only time she hears no is when she is doing something dangerous, and even then it is more redirection than a no. Why mess with that. She is just starting to comprehend cause and effect, and I can't imagine that any discipline is going to make a difference in her life right now. A one minute time out, HA, why because at the end of the minute she is going to forget what she did to be removed from a situation.
 

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Oh, crap? I was supposed to stop nurturing my kids when they turned one? Darnit! I'm 11.5 years behind schedual!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ruthla</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9026191"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh, crap? I was supposed to stop nurturing my kids when they turned one? Darnit! I'm 11.5 years behind schedual!</div>
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No kidding....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: That's just nuts. Stop nurturing after a year, because.....???
 

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That's crazy....I have NEVER, not ONCE heard a behavioural expert recommend "authoritative parenting". It's usually referred to as one of the extremes to avoid! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
I plan to nurture my kids for eternity. There is NEVER an age when you are too old for nurturing, and certainly not by ONE year of age!
 

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So, one year olds should be getting a job and their own apartments?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
The way I look at it is that we have 18 <i>years</i> to help our kids become independent, nuturing them the whole way.
 

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What a load of something that is! Ick. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I plan to be nurturing them as long as I am breathing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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My kid's been uber independant since about 9-10 months. lol. I'd do anything to be in the nurturing phase still. I try and he doesn't want anything to do with it. I keep trying to tell myself that I held him literally 23.5 hours a day (would try to escape and get a shower most days) for the first 4 months due to a couple physical issues he went through that he knows I'm there when he needs me so he's not afraid to go off and learn on his own. Right? *sigh* I miss my cuddly baby. 17 months is still suppose to be a baby isn't it? Why's he think he's so big?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lifescholar</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9026863"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That's crazy....I have NEVER, not ONCE heard a behavioural expert recommend "authoritative parenting". It's usually referred to as one of the extremes to avoid! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:</div>
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I was about to post resounding agreement to this, and quickly googled - we're confusing authoritative and authoritarian. You know that grid with the four - permissive, authoritarian, authoritative and neglectful, where neglectful and authoritarian are parent centred, and the other two are child centred.<br><br>
As wikipedia puts it: Authoritative parenting: This is characterized by high expectations of compliance to parental rules and directions, an open dialogue about those rules and behaviors, and a child-centered approach characterized by warm, positive affect.<br><br>
You know, emotion coaching and consistency, etc, etc. Not nearly as bad as it sounds, and as for throwing in "the end of the nurturing phase" :vomit<br><br><a href="http://www.brainy-child.com/article/parenting-styles.shtml" target="_blank">http://www.brainy-child.com/article/...g-styles.shtml</a><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">The Authoritative Parenting Model<br><br>
Parents who are able to provide for both the discipline and self-esteem needs of their youngsters are referred to as authoritative. They clearly communicate high - but not unrealistic - demands for their children's behavior. They expect good things from their kids and reinforce those things when they occur. They also tend to give more positive encouragement at the right places. When kids act up, on the other hand, authoritative parents respond with firm limits, but without fits of temper. They are warm, reasonable and sensitive to a child's needs. They are supportive of a child's individuality and encourage growing independence.</td>
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And I've got to say that after just reading an enthusiastic thread on timeouts for one year olds, anything that teaches people how to NOT just apply some technique they've heard of to their child willy nilly with no idea of what's developmentally normal or age appropriate (like wanting to touch the DVD player, DUH!) is a good thing. But then, that's assuming this person doesn't teach them to use timeout on one year olds!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lifescholar</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9026863"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That's crazy....I have NEVER, not ONCE heard a behavioural expert recommend "authoritative parenting". It's usually referred to as one of the extremes to avoid! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:</div>
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Actually, many sources do recommend <i>authoritative</i> parenting. It's <i>authoritarian</i> parenting that is frowned upon. Authoritative parenting is supposed to be a happy medium between authoritarian and permissive.<br><a href="http://www.brainy-child.com/article/parenting-styles.shtml" target="_blank">http://www.brainy-child.com/article/...g-styles.shtml</a><br><br>
In any case, let's just hope that flyer was badly written....<br><br>
ETA: wannabe and I were posting at the same time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I am glad "authoritative" isn't as bad as it sounds, but I still object to the connotation that nurturing ends when your child is one year old, and that a special effort to encourage independence is necessary for one-year-olds... as the poster seems to suggest.
 

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Boy, I'm glad MY mom didn't take that class! One of my fondest memories of her is a day when I came home 2nd grade despondent at having been picked on by my peers but having kept a stiff upper lip all day, and the moment my mom saw me she put down the laundry and had me sit in her lap in the rocking chair and tell her allll about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> My gangly legs were dragging on the floor, but I was not too old for that.<br><br>
And the idea of quitting nurturing at just 12 months old is particularly ridiculous. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shake.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shake">
 

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Didn't it say moving on to the authoritative phase and out of the nurturing "phase"? To me that's different than "NO NUTURING EVER AGAIN DO YOU HEAR ME?"<br><br>
I do think once the child is starting to gain their own mobility and getting a broader sense of self (i.e. genuine power struggles start to happen, ect. because they are more self-aware), then it IS time to move into the phase of setting boundaries, giving them more room to explore independently, allowing them to make their own mistakes, ect. It's not that nurturing stops, but that in your parenting journey you're concentrating on more than that.<br><br>
I do not see how someone can leap from "moving out of the nurturing phase" to "no nuturing EVER again". I don't consider myself in a phase of parenting that is primarily nuturing based, though I am a nurturing parent.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tigerchild</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9033292"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Didn't it say moving on to the authoritative phase and out of the nurturing "phase"? To me that's different than "NO NUTURING EVER AGAIN DO YOU HEAR ME?"<br><br>
I do think once the child is starting to gain their own mobility and getting a broader sense of self (i.e. genuine power struggles start to happen, ect. because they are more self-aware), then it IS time to move into the phase of setting boundaries, giving them more room to explore independently, allowing them to make their own mistakes, ect. It's not that nurturing stops, but that in your parenting journey you're concentrating on more than that.<br><br>
I do not see how someone can leap from "moving out of the nurturing phase" to "no nuturing EVER again". I don't consider myself in a phase of parenting that is primarily nuturing based, though I am a nurturing parent.</div>
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nak<br>
I see your take on it, but I don't agree. For me, nurturing is not a phase. I didn't suddenly concentrate more on discipline and boundaries when ds1 became mobile; my relationship with him flows mainly from his need to be nurtured even now that he's a crazy, skipping, jumping, tan and bruised little man - not from some perceived need for boundaries.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>erin_d_a</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9026151"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I got a similar flyer from my local child care office. Basically it said when a child turns one, they need to be learning independence from mom. Self feeding, own bedroom (if you hadn't introduced it by three months) and discipline. .</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
ETA: I'm not against self-feeding (as all my kids had started solids by then) and gentle discipline, sure, though I used redirection at that age. But I had no desire to end co-sleeping and I didn't stop nursing or carrrying/babywearing either. It just rubs me the wrong way.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tigerchild</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9033292"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Didn't it say moving on to the authoritative phase and out of the nurturing "phase"? To me that's different than "NO NUTURING EVER AGAIN DO YOU HEAR ME?"<br><br>
I do think once the child is starting to gain their own mobility and getting a broader sense of self (i.e. genuine power struggles start to happen, ect. because they are more self-aware), then it IS time to move into the phase of setting boundaries, giving them more room to explore independently, allowing them to make their own mistakes, ect. It's not that nurturing stops, but that in your parenting journey you're concentrating on more than that.<br><br>
I do not see how someone can leap from "moving out of the nurturing phase" to "no nuturing EVER again". I don't consider myself in a phase of parenting that is primarily nuturing based, though I am a nurturing parent.</div>
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That was kind of my take on it, too. I think there is a shift in focus that happens around 12-18 months and another at 7-9 (that's as far as I've gotten <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">)
 

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wannabe and annethcz,<br><br>
Thanks for the clarification!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I do think once the child is starting to gain their own mobility and getting a broader sense of self (i.e. genuine power struggles start to happen, ect. because they are more self-aware), then it IS time to move into the phase of setting boundaries, giving them more room to explore independently, allowing them to make their own mistakes, ect. It's not that nurturing stops, but that in your parenting journey you're concentrating on more than that.</td>
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I need constant reminders to do this - to step back, give her the shoes and let her do it, or give her the broom, or whatever. If I didn't get boots up the bum now and then I'd still be feeding my two year old with a spoon, dressig her, etc.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>wannabe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9044735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I need constant reminders to do this - to step back, give her the shoes and let her do it, or give her the broom, or whatever. If I didn't get boots up the bum now and then I'd still be feeding my two year old with a spoon, dressig her, etc.</div>
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<br>
That's exactly what I'm talking about, when I say that it IS true that you do move on to different "phases" in your parenting. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It was MUCH easier for me to step back with the boys. With DD, my firstborn, I was cutting her food into tiny pieces still when she was 2 1/2, and it wasn't until my aunt just handed her a banana (cut in half lengthwise still) without thinking about it that I was like "Oh! Yeah, she can handle more stuff than I think she can." Especially since she was VERY ready for it, I was just doing the status quo.<br><br>
I think parents need support when they start to move in that direction. because frankly it's a VERY big pain in the hindquarters sometimes, and very tempting to just do things for the child (even if they WANT to do it themselves) because we're in a rush or it's easier. I tend to think of "nurturing phase" as providing and being everything. Moving out of that phase means that you're open to broadening the circle, giving up more of that intimate control, willing to allow the kids to take a few more risks as appropriate, it's more of a give and take.<br><br>
And that's just my opinion, I didn't write whatever materials this class is using, so they could be advocating beating your children and locking them alone in a room for all I know. But I didn't see the need for huffiness over the phrase "moving out of the nuturing PHASE," as if that meant that there would be no nurturing ever again. I find that interpretation to be just as silly as the idea that you ever stop nuturing your kids.
 

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I'm waaay behind schedule .. I'm still nuturing my soon to be 5 year old. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
And even funnier .. I've got a Mom who still nurtures me! I'm 30, btw. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 
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