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It's really not a biggie, but it bugged me, and I don't want to gripe about her to people who know her, if that makes sense.<br><br>
Dh and I don't punish our two year old dd, and she is generally very well-behaved. She is very empathetic and sensitive to others' emotions, and very verbal, so reasoning is pretty effective.<br><br>
MIL is extremely punitive, and believes strongly in shaming, etc, even for entirely age-appropriate behaviors. She called yesterday because SIL had told her about dd's 'naughty' behavior the other day. We just switched to CD, and dd fished a poopy diaper out of the pail and started painting the carpet. MIL wanted to know how we had punished her, what we had done, etc. Reminded me that I had to teach her better, that it was part of being a loving mom, and on and on. The implication the whole time was that I was terribly permissive for not punishing dd. I explained that afterward I explained to dd not to do that, and that there were other things to paint with, she helped me clean up (although not as punishment), and that was it. I could tell MIL wasn't satisfied. Ah, well. Honestly, I found it pretty funny, and don't worry about repeat performances (dd is a smart girl--playing with poop will lose any charm for her without any excessive reaction on my part!).<br><br>
Thanks for letting me gripe. In the grand scheme of things it is very minor, but I get tired of the constant push for punitive discipline.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
My mom is the same way. The words "naughty," "good" and "bad" send chills down my spine <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Permissive, yeah, you permit your dd to be a child, to learn and explore her world. Sounds like you've got a great handle on things <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Something that works very well for me is to say, "Oh, I don't really need advice right now, thanks. We're very happy with how we're handling things." This is said as politely as possible, of course and usually shuts them up.
 

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Fortunately for me, I made it clear before my son was born that DH and I are the parents, and if we need parenting advice, we will ask. Both sets of parents have been extremely respectful of our position as parents.
 

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Ack...your mother-in-law is just showing her concern for your DD. She doesn't understand what you're doing and she's scared. I was raised by my grandmother. The old folks just don't want to see their children/grandchildren turn out badly. That's their main motive when they offer advice, and if you respond to the motive instead of the behavior-- then you'll be speaking you're MIL's language.<br><br>
The truth is, unless you have one of those crazy MIL's, you probably both share the exact same goals. You both don't want to see your DD turn out an angry child who's acting out and is a danger to herself and others, right? Let the MIL know you're on the same page, but let her in on your strategy for avoiding those problems. Because as it stands, what you are doing looks permissive to her. And at her stage in life, she's seen a lot of adorable kids turn out good. She's seen a lot of them turn out to be drug addicts and suicides and such. She's seen parents who were too harsh. And she's seen parents who were afraid to say no. (And being afraid to say no is very different than choosing not to say no too often-- but to outsiders, it looks the same.) You need to let her know that when you don't say no to every little thing-- it's not because you're afraid to say no. You are proactive. You just have a different strategy for bring about good results. Once she see's you're on the same page, and understands why you handle things differently, you might find you have a GD ally on your side.<br><br>
Hope that helps bring about some peace for your two. After all, you two have a long, long way to go.<br><br>
Faith<br>
(Who lives with her grandmother (a senile, ex maternity nurse and mother of 4,) and goes through the parenting wars every....single...day.
 

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Ugh, mind your own business, MIL! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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ahhhhhhhhhh, the oh-so-helpful MIL's. gotta love them. I just had a massive realization about my MIL and our constant butting of heads on discipline. I was reading Unconditional Parenting and then someone here posted a website<br><a href="http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_beliefs.htm" target="_blank">http://www.empathic-discipline.com/index_beliefs.htm</a><br><br>
and after reading both these things I had an epiphany. My MIL will never agree/support or even understand how we parent because our core beliefs about children are opposite.<br><br>
Stealing for the website from above:<br><br>
My MIL believes : "Children are by nature selfish, out-of-control, demanding. Their goal is power and they are always trying to see how much they can get away with. You can't let children manipulate you or become too dependent. Disobedience equals disrespect."<br><br>
While my belief is: "A child’s primary goals are having their needs met, connection, and significance. Misbehavior is an attempt to get a need met or to feel significance and connection, done in an inappropriate way. (The need might be anything from less stimulation to consistent boundaries)."<br><br>
If we are coming from such different beliefs than I can at least understand why she says some of the things she does, like "you let her walk all over you", "she is charge of you". If you belief like she does than of course you would think that you need to spank/punish for misbehavior. When I don't "punish" but instead try and figure out what my dd "needs" she interprets that as "letting her be in control".<br><br>
Coming to this realization really has brought me such peace about the whole thing. Do I still get annoyed when she says them? Sure, but it doesn't bother me as much. I can let them roll off a little easier than before.
 

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Why punish for normal childhood behavior? I did the same thing as a child, fished out the diapers and dipped them in the toilet, piled them on the floor, etc. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Finally, my mom said, "If you want to help, help only when I'm there!!" this was after I had flushed several<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief"> Ok, no problem ,and she had lots of help readying the diapers for the wash! I believe I was about 20 months and I was potty trained but it was intriguing to play with sis's diapers and do what mom did. Also, it is not MIL business what you do with dd. We feel that if we want advice we'll ask for it. If it comes unsolicited and is unhelpful or hurtful, we ignore it. Both sets of parents know this and mostly they respect it.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Want to drive your MIL crazy? Say very sweetly, "Thank you.*"<br><br>
*not heard "for giving me something to vent to the MDC mamas about. Are you *trying* to be evil? Seriously, get over yourself."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sassafras12</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">.....My MIL will never agree/support or even understand how we parent because our core beliefs about children are opposite.<br><br>
Stealing for the website from above:<br><br>
My MIL believes : "Children are by nature selfish, out-of-control, demanding. Their goal is power and they are always trying to see how much they can get away with. You can't let children manipulate you or become too dependent. Disobedience equals disrespect." .......</div>
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Are you sure that's what your MIL believes? Did she say that was her personal point of view? Or are you projecting all of those ideas onto her? Regardless of which is the fact, why do you think your MIL can never come around to seeing things your way? There are women who come to MDC everyday who have authoratative backgrounds, but are open to a different way of seeng things. We don't shut them down. Why do MIL's have to be any different? I mean, Is there something specific about your MIL, like she's a narcissist, or a bad person, doens't respect you as a person, or just never listens-- that makes you think she couldn't hear you if you explained a thing or two? Cause if that's the case, then your problem is bigger than having a MIL who doesn't agree with you on how you are raising your child. I mean, my MIL once pulled a knife on me. She's passed away now, but you'd better bet that any problems we have would have gone way deeper than she doesn't understand why I don't say "no" more often to a child we both would love deeply.<br><br>
Faith
 

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Ugh! MILs!<br><br>
Sounds to me like you handled it very well. Your dd will get a great model for diplomatic and peacable boundary setting.<br><br>
Hugs to you, mama.
 

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<i>
faithnj said:
Are you sure that's what your MIL believes? Did she say that was her personal point of view? Or are you projecting all of those ideas onto her? Regardless of which is the fact, why do you think your MIL can never come around to seeing things your way? There are women who come to MDC everyday who have authoratative backgrounds, but are open to a different way of seeng things. We don't shut them down. Why do MIL's have to be any different? I mean, Is there something specific about your MIL, like she's a narcissist, or a bad person, doens't respect you as a person, or just never listens-- that makes you think she couldn't hear you if you explained a thing or two? Cause if that's the case, then your problem is bigger than having a MIL who doesn't agree with you on how you are raising your child. I mean, my MIL once pulled a knife on me. She's passed away now, but you'd better bet that any problems we have would have gone way deeper than she doesn't understand why I don't say "no" more often to a child we both would love deeply.</i><br><br>
Why do I think she believes that way? She told me! NOt those exact words, but the ideas are the same. Yes we have some other serious issues going on beyond us not agreeing on how to parent. I have learned over the past 15 years that you gain nothing by entering into a discussion with her. I have learned the very hard way it's better to just smile and nod. For example, did you know that tobacco companies wouldn't sell cigarettes if they knew they were dangerous. Or that kids at private schools and inner-city schools get the same education because they have the same books. Or that the stories of soldiers coming back from vietnam to protests directed at them never happened. She has told perfect strangers in a store that they need to speak english if they want to live in America. I can go on and on. Before dd I could take disagreements about any issue and just move on. For some reason I had a really hard time once dd came along and the comments about all our decsions regarding parenting started. From breastfeeding to co-sleeping, to CIO, to potty-training, to discipline. Maybe I take those comments too personally, maybe I should shake them off like I do all the others. Maybe because I had done it for so long I felt like this was one thing I couldn't just "take". DD is now 4 and I have been searching for a way to not feel so angry with her comments. The comments still come, they won't ever stop, so I have found a way to deal with them. That was what my initial post was trying to describe. I don't expect to change her mind, she's not going to convince me that "all dd needs is a good crack"(acutal advice I got). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sassafras12</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...... Yes we have some other serious issues going on beyond us not agreeing on how to parent. I have learned over the past 15 years that you gain nothing by entering into a discussion with her. I have learned the very hard way it's better to just smile and nod. For example, did you know that tobacco companies wouldn't sell cigarettes if they knew they were dangerous. ....... Or that the stories of soldiers coming back from vietnam to protests directed at them never happened. ..... I don't expect to change her mind, she's not going to convince me that "all dd needs is a good crack"(acutal advice I got). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"></div>
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Wow. You've got one of THOSE MIL's. I'm sorry. Considering my knife wielding MIL is dead, the first thing that come's to mind is they don't live forever. But that would be cold comfort. Do whatever you think is best to keep yourself and your child emotionally safe.<br><br>
Faith
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>georgia</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
My mom is the same way. The words "naughty," "good" and "bad" send chills down my spine <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Permissive, yeah, you permit your dd to be a child, to learn and explore her world. Sounds like you've got a great handle on things <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> agreed... I have ILs who do the same thing and they drive me nuts. then there are my parents but they are a whole nother issue..
 
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