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Figured this is probably the main place where people would understand. To make a long story short, in 2006, at the worst point in my abusive relationship, as everything in my life was turning to total chaos, I managed to get myself evicted from my apartment. I've bought my home about nine months later, so it hasn't been an issue, but now I want to rent out my house to move back central to go to grad school and I'm freaking out a little at the thought of having to deal with the fall-out from mistakes made during that dark, bleak time period.<br><br>
In general, I feel like I'm pretty close to being over the abuse I went through (Backstory: fell head over heels in love with an alcoholic/drug abuser guy with borderline personality disorder, after a few months a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde switch flipped, and he became crazy verbally/emotionally/borderline physically abusive. <a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=950587&highlight=" target="_blank">Here's the link</a> to my introductory story. Big trigger warning.)<br>
Anyway, It's been three and a half years now and I feel like I've managed to process most of what I went through, thanks in large part to you wonderful women. I also treated it like almost everything else in my life, in that when something is troubling me I go into hardcore geek research mode and learn everything I possibly can about it -- it's almost as though when I fully understand it, when I have mastery over the subject matter, when I'm almost an expert on the topic, I feel like I can control its impact on me. I guess it's as good a way as any to handle something crappy.<br>
Anyway, I'm rambling, but the point is that in general, things in my life are really good nowadays and while I know I carry some scars from the abuse, they're not too bad or too deep.<br>
But this old eviction thing is giving me a lot of anxiety. In 2006, I had been living in this hipster-crappy apartment for a couple of years. I was in my early 20s, and was more or less responsible about big stuff, but I was sometimes flighty or irresponsible about what I perceived as little stuff -- like, I'd forget to pay the rent for a few days, not a long time, but just let it slip my mind. Like, if it was due on the 3rd, I might pay it on the 8th every few months. So I had a couple of late rent black marks on my history at this particular complex. But in general, I had a good job that I did well at, I could support myself as well as any mid-20s hipster kid who spent a lot of time downtown, and the big things in my life were pretty much in order.<br>
Then I got into this bad relationship, and I swear, the man was like a demon of chaos. I let him pull me down into this total chaos vortex. I saw him do that to everyone who let him into their lives. It was probably the only time in my life I've ever really been drinking too much, my work performance started putting my job at risk, I'd go in crazy sleep deprived after he kept me up literally all night for a six hour fight and refuse to let me sleep, emotionally I was always just feeling shattered and broken and weak from his abuse, he got me pregnant and I had an abortion which was another hard thing to deal with, he was working as hard as he could to isolate me from family and friends, I totally flaked on this really well-paying freelance gig that could have led to a really great reporting job higher up the food chain, everything in my life just felt like it was completely falling apart. And I would try to fix things as they broke, but looking back, I can see so clearly that he was deliberately sabotaging me. (Like, for example, if he knew I had a really important day at work the next day, I could count on a six hour fight the night before. Or if I was trying to get work done at home, he would pick a fight and not let me finish, or accuse me of neglecting him.) I know I have to shoulder a lot of the blame -- I let him do it to me, but god, it was such a crazy intense onslaught.<br>
My ex had unofficially moved in with me (seeing as he couldn't hold down a job and had a criminal history and an abysmal credit score, he wasn't exactly floating his own pad). But he HATED my apartment, because -- and this made perfect sense in his mind -- I had, prior to meeting him, had sex with other men in it. It freaked him out to no end. One day I actually came home to find that he had thrown my comforter in the dumpster for the same reason. We had actually put in an application for another apartment, but I was holding off because some residual self-protective urge was telling me it would be incredibly stupid to move in with him.<br>
Anyway, then a workman at the apartment complex cuts through the gas line. The apartments had gas stoves and heat, so no one could cook or take a shower. This went on for literally a month -- it was even written up in the newspaper. He encouraged me to just stop paying rent, I remember him goading and goading me. I didn't think they would evict me because of the gas thing, but I came home one day to an eviction notice on my door, and we moved in together the next week. (Since I had paid rent late a couple of times before, they could evict me just for the rent being a week late at that point.) I managed to get out of that lease when we broke up, and then I lived with a couple of friends until I bought my house.<br>
The sane thing to do, during that cut off gas line thing, would have been to go to the complex management, announce that I wanted out of my lease, and they would have let me out. Another friend who lived at the same complex did that. Simple, and everything was fine. But enmeshed in the total brain f*** of an abusive relationship, I totally made the wrong choice.<br>
Still reading? God, this is getting long. Anyway, I really got my life back on track, especially when I had DS (I got pregnant by another guy a couple months after breaking up with the abusive guy, probably another fall-out bad decision, but with a great conclusion.) And now I'm uber responsible and together, got a promotion at my job during the pregnancy, great performance reviews, pay all my bills early, stop at two drinks, heading to grad school, blah blah. I'm like a bastion of adult responsibility.<br>
But now I'm about to put in an application for an apartment, and most of the applications around here say you're automatically declined if you've ever had an eviction. I know I can write a letter explaining the gas cut-off situation, point to good rental history since then, and my parents will happily co-sign the lease if needed. I don't know if that will help or not, but I'll certainly try. Plus, I'm white and educated and upper-middle class, which I know gives me an unfair but very real advantage in things like that.<br>
But I was up last night with this brutal insomnia, my stomach in knots, total anxiety, thinking about how this bad choice made in the midst of abuse may totally screw me over. It really made me remember what it felt like being in that abuse, and what that headspace felt like, and it was totally gross and anxiety-making. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
So I know it's time to stop pouting and take care of businesses and do the work to find a nice home for my son and me to live in. But thanks for giving me a place to vent. I do feel better now.
 

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No words of wisdom, just <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> i'm sorry this is stressing you out. i'm wondering if you rent a house or part of a duplex or something - something less formal and business-like than an apartment complex, if the landlord would be less likely to check into all that. i'm sure you can explain away the eviction, but if would be nice if you didn't even have to talk about it at all.<br><br>
good luck finding the perfect place for you & ds!
 

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The eviction happened like what four years ago at least by now? And you have had a terrfic record since then!!! I don't think you need to worry about someone declining you. Even if asked, if you don't want to get into the abuse story... "chalk it up to being young and dumb."<br><br>
It will all work out honey. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You have an amazing head on your shoulders and have everything in your life in order now. It will work out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I can't imagine an eviction 4 years ago would prevent you from getting an apartment. If it makes you feel better, I would write a brief note about your 4 year record of paying your bills on time. It might help if you talk to the management face to face. Really focus on the 4 years of on time payments rather than give excuses for the eviction.<br><br>
Hope you are able to find a great place to live. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I think that it will only be a small blip in an otherwise good record. I would talk to management about it in person. I think it is much better to be upfront and explain than to let them discover it and wonder/assume the reasons for something like that. I hope it works out perfectly for you and your DS. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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PMing you!
 

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You may have to have your parents rent the apt for you, cosign, or rent from a single owner. There are lots of people with credit issues so it isin't such a big deal!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks so much for all the advice and reassurances. It's really meant a lot to me. I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.
 

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I don't have any practical advice for you (haven't been to the US is YEARS now!) but I did want to let you know that I read your thread, and I wanted to give you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">.
 

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I got the apartment that I wanted! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br>
I was upfront about breaking the lease due to the fact that there had been no gas, and my parents cosigned, and I got approved for it.<br>
It's a really nice apartment complex with a ton of green space, it's about a quarter-mile from DS's awesome daycare, and it's maybe three quarters of a mile from the university where I'll be a grad student. It's also literally within a block of two of my best friends' places, and maybe a mile or two from my sister's house.<br>
I'll move into the apartment in late July. A couple of my friends are renting out my house that I own. And this is the really cool part: it's a three bedroom house. One of my coworkers, a gay guy, is taking one room. A close friend is taking the second room. And her sister, who is an incredibly nice girl who is in the process of escaping an abusive relationship with her 8 month old baby girl, may take the third room.<br>
The other two can easily afford the place on their own, but it would make me so happy to think that I was helping a fellow abuse survivor. Her room would only be $300, which she can easily afford by only working part time, and my house is about a half mile from her parents' house (her whole family is awesome). So she would have a safe, nice and incredibly affordable place where she and her baby can live, with family all around her.
 

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Woo hoo! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"> Congrats sweetie, you deserve it!!!
 

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Wonderful! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"> Congrats!
 

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Wow! That is awesome! I'm so glad this worked out for you, and hopefully for your friends as well.
 

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Yay!
 
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