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So my mom a while ago basically told me, "I told my boss that you were due in the middle of August and I would be taking my vacation time then." This was with absolutely no input or invitation from me, she basically just invited herself.<br><br>
I've been having a hard time deciding wether or not I want her there. She has always been a very negative presence for me and abused me in my childhood, our relationship now is better but I still get stressed out around her. At the same time I want her there, because she is my mom and you know how that goes.<br><br>
So I've been really vague about wether or not I'm going to call her when I go into labor. So she recently started pleading with DH, "You'll call me when she goes into labor, right? Don't listen to her, just call me." He's been very up front with her about NOT doing that, that it is my decision and she needs to let it go.<br><br>
She basically thinks its her right to be there. This really pisses me off. At the same time, there is still a part of me that wants her there and I am very conflicted.<br><br>
She came up to visit last weekend for my shower and we had a good visit. Even after a good visit when she left I had a day of depression, of crying and crying and feeling downright worthless. DH says that I should avoid her because of this, but she's my mom and I don't want to shut her out.<br><br>
Anyway, I told her it is NOT her right to be there and that I would decide what is best for me. She said, "My feelings would be hurt if you didn't let me come." She got all emotional about it.<br><br>
I feel like I've been protecting her emotions my whole life at the expense of my own and this is turning out to be very bad. But, I still kind of want her there and I don't know what to do.<br><br>
I wish she lived close and I could invite her and then just kick her out if I felt the need to (I'm having a home birth), but she's 3 hours away.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><br><br>
Thanks for listening.<br><br><br>
What would you do?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>holothuroidea</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11591777"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">She has always been a very <b>negative presence for me and abused me in my childhood</b>, our relationship now is better but I still get stressed out around her.<br>
...<br>
Anyway, I told her it is NOT her right to be there and that I would decide what is best for me. She said, "My feelings would be hurt if you didn't let me come." She got all emotional about it.<br>
...<br>
I feel like <b>I've been protecting her emotions my whole life at the expense of my own</b> and this is turning out to be very bad. But, I still kind of want her there and I don't know what to do.<br>
...<br>
What would you do?</div>
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Negative presence, doesn't respect your decision, pours on guilt. That would be easy for me.<br><br>
It is not in your best interest to have her there, and you <i>know</i> that but are having a hard time accepting it because society has told you to accept whatever she dishes out because she is your mother. She sounds like a crappy mother. Abuse does not get respect. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
What would I do? Conveniently forget to call her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">
 

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Mother or not, this is YOUR child and your experience. If you don't want her there, then don't call. Just and hubby and no one else. Not once should you look back on this and recall a negative vibe because your mom was there.
 

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I had my mom at my first birth and she was a nervous nelly. I thought since she had been through 3 births herself she would be helpful and a source of strength. I tried having her stay out of the room until I wanted her but she busted in anyways and no one told her to leave. She didn't respect my wishes and basically annoyed me with her presence with her pacing and wringing her hands. Since your mom sounds even worse than mine, I would definitely say NO!!!
 

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Not in your DDC, but I wanted to comment. I would absolutely not have your mom there. There is no way you can have the birth you want with her around. She makes you feel terrible when you're not in labor, how do you think that will go when you are? Put it this way, my mom and I are pretty close, she was at my last birth (supposed to be there to watch DD1 but ended up in the room with me) and it was a negative experience for me, even though we get along really well. I can't imagine how it would have gone if I had the type of relationship you have with your mom. Put your foot down, tell her it's an intimate experience you want to share with only your DH, end of story. She had her chance to birth, now it's your turn.
 

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I am not in your DDC either but I wanted to comment. My Mom missed my first birth (she is also 3 hours away and it was fast). We called everyone really early for my second. She drove me crazy all day. She made me uptight and nervous and I think this is part of why my labor kept stalling. This time I don't have the heart to tell her I don't want her there (she also feels it is her right) so we are just going to call her "too late". My midwife knows to signal my dh when there is only about an hour left. We will just tell her things went really fast. This gets me out of her guilt trip and bitching at me. Not the most honest thing to do but I know after last time that I need to think of myself first here. My advice would be call her near the end of just after. She will still get to see her grandchild and you and you will get the birth you want.
 

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Please please please do not have that woman at your birth. It really does NOT sound like you want her there at all, but that you are used to her emotional manipulation. You are already vulnerable to her toxicity. A woman in labor is so so so so much more vulnerable to those around her. Protect yourself. Protect your little babe. It was her decision to take her vacation...that does NOT obligate *you* to do anything. If you want to allow her to visit after the fact, you can call her then...no explanation is due for why she wasn't called earlier.
 

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I agree with everyone else, it doesn't sound like she would make your birth more peaceful! I think you should call her when you get to 8 cm.<br><br>
Hopefully she won't bother you post partum to have her visit.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>holothuroidea</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11591777"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">At the same time I want her there, because she is my mom and you know how that goes.<br>
At the same time, there is still a part of me that wants her there and I am very conflicted.<br>
I still kind of want her there and I don't know what to do.</div>
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Through your post you were very clear about the reasons you don't want your mom at your birth. Yet, when it comes to why you do want her there you are extreemly vague. I think you need to figure out why you want her there. I am curious if who you really want at your birth is the mom you wish you had and not the one you do have. I wish my mom could be at my birth. I would love the support and advice and comfort from her. Unfortunately, she has way too many hang ups regarding birth and if she were there I would have a very difficult time being who I need to be. I think you need to work through this and know why you are telling her no instead of yes. And be okay with it. You can love your mom and still do things she doesn't approve of.
 

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If it were me, I would not have my mom there. Too many issues with her and I can't imagine having my birth space violated in any way. She tends to make everything about how I spite her and I just won't deal with it anymore. My MIL drove us home from the hospital after my 1st was born and I had to listen to how I broke her heart and was cruel and didn't consider her feelings. Well considering I almost bled to death, had an emergency c/s and she never even bothered to come up to see us while we were there and this was her 1st grandbaby (I'm an only child) how dare "I" be so self centered??!! I decided I needed to say that I was having a HBA2C and all she could say was how she was so uncomfortable with all of this - like it's her birth or she should have a say in it! I could go on & on at the dysfunctionality of it all, but it's not important.<br><br>
I would really, really sit down and think this out objectively. The birth of your baby will be a memory you'll cherish forever and you don't want anything to take away from that. It sounds like if you ask her to leave she may not, and that will affect you. Only you know the relationship you have with your mom, but you do sound like you have lots of reservations about her being there. Would she be open to staying near by and then coming after baby's here or maybe just be on stand by in case you decide you do want her there? It's not like you're going to keep the baby from her, but she does need to respect your wishes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Do not let her come.<br><br>
Emotions and feeling safe are essential to your body working the way it should and giving birth.<br><br>
Do not let her come. Do not let her make you feel bad. She is the one making ASSumptions about being there in the first place.<br><br>
You need to set limits with her now because if you don't she will continue to try to be the mom to your child instead of the grandparent.<br><br>
You are an adult and can make your own decisions about your pregnancy and child. I think if you have her at your birth it will be a disaster. Call her a few hours after the baby has been born and you've had time to rest. Just tell her it happened to fast and there wasn't time to call her if you want to avoid confrontation.
 

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ok.<br><br>
my mom and i have a really fabulous relationship. sure, there are tough times, but overall, i'm very very happy with my relationship with my mother. i talk to her multiple times a week and strive to see my parents each month if possible.<br><br>
my mother is not attending my birth.<br><br>
i simply feel that it is a private event, and i want it to be just DH and i. my mother supports and agrees with me--which helps--but even if she didn't i would disavow her of any notion that it's her "right" to be there. my mil tried to insist upon those lines, and my husband firmly asserted that it was not her right at all, that this was my pregnancy and birth and our child, and that we made the decisions.<br><br>
so, there's no reason to feel bad about not having your mother there--whether or not your relationship is great or aweful. she has no 'rights' to it--it is your birth. she had her's with you.<br><br>
you can always call her after the birth to celebrate then.
 

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To have her there in your birth, you first need to forgive her. I know you said you were abused by her and your relationship is now fine but it seems that is not fine yet at all, since you haven't forgiven her. You need to talk to her and talk about those issues. BUT, now it is not the right time, you need to relax for baby and your soon birth. So I guess, no. Having her will just cause more stress on you. My mom too, abused me as a child but it was because she thought hitting was the only way of punishment. She didn't know any better because she was abused too, my grandma hit her as way of punishment, so do all my relatives in Panama. They think hitting is correct. One day I came to her and sat down, talked about my issues of how hurt I still was and she asked me to forgive her so I did. I left that episode of my life behind and started a new relationship with my mother. Now, I DO want her to be here specially because I am giving birth to a baby boy (the boy she never had) and I want her to experience a home water birth. I seriously recommend you to sit down with her and talk about it. It is the only way to leave those feelings behind, it's hard I know but you'll feel a lot better if you do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
But like I said, you are close to your due date so if you don't want to stress about this, then don't have her in your birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I have to say I agree with most everyone else. If you don't want her there then she shouldn't be there. I think the "she's my mom" is the guilt talking. Like you SHOULD want her to be there, but really you don't. And don't let her guilt you into it either. The bottom line is YOU need to make the decision and then stick with it. And if her feelings get hurt then she'll have to get over it. It is YOUR birth and not something you get to have every day. As your mom SHE should understand that it is YOUR decision and work out the feelings on her own and not make you feel bad either way. That's crappy that she's trying to make you feel bad.<br><br>
My mom is 1,000 miles away, but even if she were close I wouldn't want her with me. I've always been very independant and don't have a super close relationship with her anyhow. I'm actually closer with my mil, but she's not invited either. She way too much of a worrier!<br><br>
This is a time to have people around you that YOU want and who will help facilitate the birth YOU want. Good luck! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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It sounds like you dont want her there but you are thinking about because of guilt. I say no way! This is the most important day in your life. You will have these memories until you die. Your giving birth! I'm sure you have read and heard mw like Ina May say to never let negative ppl in the room while giving birth. Plus I have heard that women in labor have issues with past abuse.<br><br>
So call your mama and tell her as soon as the baby is born she can drive right over and meet her grandbaby. Or dont call her at all until the baby is born and say you were to caught up in labor to call her for the birth.<br><br>
Good luck! Make this <span style="text-decoration:underline;">your</span> special day! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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No way, no how, nuh-uh.<br><br>
Let's look at the pros and cons that you listed.<br><br>
Cons:<br><blockquote><p>- she basically just invited herself<br><br>
- She has always been a very negative presence for me<br><br>
- abused me in my childhood<br><br>
- I still get stressed out around her.<br><br>
- she recently started pleading with DH, "You'll call me when she goes into labor, right? Don't listen to her, just call me."<br><br>
- She basically thinks its her right to be there.<br><br>
- Even after a good visit when she left I had a day of depression, of crying and crying and feeling downright worthless.<br><br>
- She said, "My feelings would be hurt if you didn't let me come." She got all emotional about it.<br><br>
- I feel like I've been protecting her emotions my whole life at the expense of my own and this is turning out to be very bad.</p></blockquote>
Pros:<br><blockquote><p>- At the same time I want her there, because she is my mom and you know how that goes.</p></blockquote>
Actually, no, I don't know "how that goes." That's the only reason you've given in your whole post why you want her there, and you gave it several times: because "she's my mom." That's not a good enough reason, not if you can't expound on it and make it outweigh the many, many reasons you gave for her NOT to come!<br><br>
Really, just read over your post again. I think you already gave yourself your answer. You even closed it with a crying smiley...that seems to sum up how you feel about it.
 

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ur mom sounds like my birth mom who all the sudden is moving to houston to be closer to me and her grandbabies<br><br>
and then asked me if she could stay with me end of july aug and i was old her ummm nooooo u cant stay with me in aug iam giving birth and she said well i know that i wont be in way and i need a place to stay and i told her call ur friends but my place is a noo noo<br><br>
my mom picked the perfect time to move she could have picked anytime before july and aug or after aug but nooo she picked the time i would be giving birth and yeah we dont have a great friendship at all she was very mean and still is and well she lies too much and well i dont trust her<br><br>
anways she got mad but u know what she makes me nervous stressed out and totally mad and mean when she is around soo their is noo way i want that during labor and when iam going for a vbac i want peace and quit and i want to be relaxed<br><br><br>
my dad and stepmom who live 1hr away tried the i will be at the hospital when u give birth but not in the room just waiting room and i said noo i dont want anybody their i dont want to be rushed i just want to be relaxed and i will call u after i had the baby<br><br>
anyways they kept pushing and pushing and after i had the baby they got a phone call and i told them when i get home u can come vist soo yeah now they dont push or anything they just know when i have the baby i will call and they can come visit when i get home<br><br><br>
this is one thing u really need to put ur foot down and let everyone know u love then but u will call them after the baby is born but u and hubby just dont want anybody their during the labor or birth but u r more then welcome to come after wards<br><br><br>
good luck to u
 

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Hi, I'm in the September DDC, but I wanted to comment because I'm in a similar situation, and I think I understand what you mean about wanting her there just because she's your mother. I have been trying to understand for myself why I want my mother there even though I know that she tends to be self-centered and insensitive to my needs. There may be a guilt component, but I think that even if she didn't want to be there, I would want her to want to be there. So, I think a bigger part of it is that I have this fantasy world where, if I just give her another chance, she'll finally be the mother that I've always wanted and she'll make up for her past failings by being supportive when I need her to. On the other hand, pretty much whenever I actually spend time with her, I am really uncomfortable and wish I were somewhere else, and am likely to spend the next day feeling weepy and depressed. So, I don't blame you at all for wanting her there, but I recommend thinking about if you really want _her_ there or some fictitious supportive mother who doesn't really exist. If it's the latter, then now is the time to stand up not just for yourself, but also for your baby.<br><br>
I've also thought about the possibility of having a real honest heart-to-heart with her about it to clear the air beforehand. I for one certainly haven't forgiven her for all the past disappointments, but I've decided that this time around, I'm already pregnant and don't want to have that emotional battle while baby is inside me and can feel what I feel. It's more important to maintain a happy and safe emotional space for us.
 

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Just to share my experience....<br><br>
I felt intensely private during the entire birthing process with my first. I <b>only</b> wanted my dh there and the midwife. Because I gave birth in a hospital one hour from our home, I spent most of my laboring at my mom's house, because she lives only 10 minutes from the hospital.<br><br>
I have a wonderful and close relationship with my mom. BUT I still didn't want her to see me having contractions. I spent most of the day in a bedroom where I didn't have to see anybody. My mom was great about respecting my privacy, and just dh came in an out. Late in the evening I finally went out into the main part of the house to work on a puzzle with my dh and mom. Still, I would walk out every ten minutes when I had a contraction, because I didn't want anyone seeing me in pain.<br><br>
I had no clue I would be that way in labor, but I was.<br><br>
This time I'm planning a homebirth, and my mom will be taking care of our 1 year old. Still, there are no plans for her to be at the birth itself. Depending on the time of day, she may take my son home with her for awhile till after the baby is born. I have a feeling I'll prefer it this way...just the midwife and my dh are plenty of people for me. (That being said, some people like a whole roomful of support...I'm just not one of them!)<br><br>
It's really hard to tell now how you'll actually feel when you're in labor.<br><br>
I also vote for having someone call her when you are in the pushing stage. It will be really fun and exciting to show her your new baby soon after the birth! Don't let anyone manipulate you, because this is a once-in-a-lifetime, amazing experience, and you get to be queen for the day!!! This truly is ABOUT YOU and that baby and what you need to feel comfortable.
 

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(I have not read the whole thread<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">)<br><br>
I would not invite her for the birth, you sound much to conflicted to chance it. What if you invite her and then want her to go, that would just not work! I would say don't tell her until you are happily resting in bed with your new babe in arms, placenta delivered and everything cleaned up. Then you can call and invite her down for the first visit with her new grandchild<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">:. She can be bitter but that is better than a stalled labor due to her presents, it is amazing what one person can do to upset the flow of labor. I would not chance it. A healthy happy birth for you and your new baby is much much too important and you must know that since you have already chosen to birth in the comfort and safety of your own home .
 
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