[sadie_sabot]

My 19 month dd has been biting another kid in daycare, and now the other kid's mom wants to discuss it with me. I feel as thought the steps we are taking to discourage the biting are appropriate.

has anyone ever had to have this sort of conversation? I feel terribly for the other kid and mom, but also, while biting isn't ok it's not at all unusual...and we are making serious attempts to stop it...

 

[Breathless Wonder]

I guess I don't get it.

I can't imagine there is really much to "talk" about- unless she is going to give you suggestions on how else you could "handle" the situation? IME, these "discussions" usually become bash fests, or "probing" sessions to see if there are problems in your home.

I'll be interested to see how it turns out.

 

[Dar]

I've been the other person in that conversation, the one whose child was bitten. Perhaps she just wants reassurance from you that you do consider this a serious problem, and are working to stop it. That's how the conversation went for me, anyway, along with an apology to my child on behalf of her child.

And how much biting are we talking about? Is your child biting hers every day? Every other day? As a parent, anything that went past once or twice would really concern me. If the DCP can't prevent repeated biting I'm not sure how much faith I'd have in her skills, or in the environment being appropriate for your child.

Dar

 

[Piglet68]

Yeah, have to wonder what the DCP are doing if your child is constantly being left in a situation where they can bite other kids.

 

[Eustacia]

I had one of those conversations a few months ago but it came as a huge surprise. Bottom line, I called a mom to extend an invitation for a play group and she shocked me by dropping a bomb about my dd making her dd cry. My dd is in my exclusive care so I have witnessed all of their interactions and the truth is that her dd cries when she sees any toddler (she is a very, very shy little girl). I'm hijacking your thread but what I'm blabbing on about is that at least you know she wants to speak with you and you can be prepared. I was so hurt and mad when I hung up the phone.

My dd bites my husband and it seems to be only when my husband isn't giving her enough attention (she wants to play and he's on the floor reading a book - chomp!). Do you think your dc wants to communicate something to the other child ("I like you", "I love playing with you?", "I want you to want to play with me!"). I think the majority of biting situations relate to communication so perhaps you could discuss the frustration that your dc is feeling when you speak with the other mom.

 

[sadie_sabot]

thank you for all your thoughts, and keep 'em coming! It's good to hear from moms who've been on the other side of this. I like the other mom and really want this conversation to be a good one, I plan to call her this evening.

Our daycare situation is a coop, with one parent per day and a teacher who is there every day. I have total faith in her, which is based on my spending one day a week with her and the kids and seeing how they interact. She has been really good about coming up with suggestions about how to move dd away from biting. As far as preventing it, yesterday, dd and the other child were sitting right with dcp and the parent. My dd moves fast sometimes.

The most common situation where dd bites is in a conflict over a toy, or if the other kid hits her or pushes her. But this week, dd has been teething hard and also biting me during nursing a lot. The times she bit this other kid (3 times so far this week) have been, as far as I know, unprovoked.

I really want to assure the other mom that I am taking it seriously and that we are trying to deal with it. I also am not open to discipline suggestions from her that fall outside of my approach, such as punishment or time outs, so hopefully that won't come up!

(If other parents of biting toddlers have coping suggestions, that would also be cool!)

 

[BathrobeGoddess]

Welcome to toddlerhood! My first though was why is the teacher disclosing who is doing the biting but if it is a co-op it makes sense, she would have wittnessed it. IO have a handout I give to parents when we have a biter. The jist of it is that most biters bite others because they do not have the verbal tools to exspress displeasure. Also it really drives home that the biting child isn't a bad kid or being hurtful just to hurt but in order to comminicate. A biter is not doing it to hurt but to let the other child know "hey Idon't like what is happening here and I want it to change" I am sure that this isn't news to you.

 

[lilmiss'mama]

Well, I don't if I have any advice, but I just wanted to say that my dd was being bit at one point, so I have been on the other side of the conversation. While my rational brain knew it was normal behavior that didn't stop me from feeling infuriated that my child was being hurt. So, if the mom is a little emotional know that it is only her mama bear coming out and I am sure doesn't mean anything personal. As far as biting solutions I did read an article about a mom who took a spray bottle with vinegar and water solution and sprayed the biters tongue each time they bit. Saying they had to clean the biters tongue, b/c it got dirty from biting. I don't know, I have never had to deal with it so I am not sure. I have also heard it is a stage you have to wait out and just be really intuned and try to know before the child is going to bite to redirect the situation.

 

[sadie_sabot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilmiss'mama As far as biting solutions I did read an article about a mom who took a spray bottle with vinegar and water solution and sprayed the biters tongue each time they bit. Saying they had to clean the biters tongue, b/c it got dirty from biting.

Woah!

That sounds like trying to punish the kid but being unwilling to admit it! I do spray my cats when they act up, but not my kid! :LOL

thanks for the insight from the bit kids moms perspective. Today i also heard from dcp that this mom pulled her older kid from a daycare where she was being bitten a lot, so this is a sore subject for that family. I shall proceed with an open heart, and remember how irked I was when one of the other kids in our coop was hitting dd every day.

 

[indiegirl]

My daughter was a biter--she got kicked out of daycare for biting. Long story....

Anyway, I can understand your trepidiation. I think you have a good approach and will do fine. Remember that this really, really is a staget that they grow out of. Sometimes all that works is time.

Jesse

 

[BusyMommy]

Good luck!
Please let us know how it goes as I truthrully can't imagine what she'll say.

Both of my boys were bitten almost daily in daycare. Drove me nuts. I always told the ladies that has long as my son saw the other child receiving consequences and understood that biting was bad, I wouldn't be upset.

Ds1's biter is still a cranky 3 y.o. and I don't get along w/the family at all.

But, Ds2's biter is a cool little kid and I really like the family. So, yeah, I'm bummed when I see those teethmarks, but I know it's a stage. I know the DCP is doing their best. And, in a way, I'm ok w/it b/c my son is learning not to bite. KWIM?

And, no, we're not supposed to know and I've never let on to the other families that we do know, but, of course, everyone gossips

 

[sadie_sabot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by indiegirl My daughter was a biter--she got kicked out of daycare for biting. Long story.... Jesse

I think that this is my secret fear, that everyone will get mad at me and we'll get booted from the co-op. which would be horrible because the co-op is an absolutely perfect situation for our family.

sigh. I'm nervous, but just sent the mom an email telling her I'd call her after dd goes to bed.

Wish me luck and I'll let y'all know how it goes!

 

[lilyka]

My dd was a biter. outside of constant supervision which included physical contact there wasn't much that could be done. If this is a huge problem at school I htink you owe it to the mom to indulge her desire for a chat. but what good is it going to do for her to accuse and berate you. I htink the best plan would be to schedule a meeting that involved the teacher (since she is a constant in the school environment and she really does need to be part of the solution to this problem.) discuss why she bites, what people have seen, how it can be prevented, what to do when she bites, etc. . . make some sort of plan so that the mom knows her dd isn't going to go on being terroized. (I was the object of dd teeth and it sucked. I can only imgine how a little kid would feel)

good luck. I recommend baking cookies for the meeting. chocolate makes everyone feel better.

 

[3_opihi]

My 15 month old is a biter, hitter, hair puller...name the torture, he's there. It's been really hard because at his playgroup all the parents will call beforehand and ask, "How's Kai hitting today?" Which I totally understand because I would freak if a baby did to Kai what he's been doing to them.

Mostly I think it comes from him not being very verbal yet *at all* yet very social. When he sees a little kid he wants to play with he doesn't really know how to engage them, and he can't talk to them, so he pulls their hair -- or bites to get there attention. It's hard because at that age there's not a lot you can do. I usually just try to stay really active and pay attention to every little move he makes, that way I can try and angage the child for him.

As far as the mom-- I've had really understanding parents and just flat out rude ones. I think its best to just let her know that you're really sorry, you're working on it, and why you think he/she is doing it. You probably already knew that though. She probably just wants some reassurance from you. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Parker'smommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilmiss'mama As far as biting solutions I did read an article about a mom who took a spray bottle with vinegar and water solution and sprayed the biters tongue each time they bit. Saying they had to clean the biters tongue, b/c it got dirty from biting.

I just wanted to state that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard and that I hope that the OP doesnt take this as a suggestion to help her child stop biting!!! That seems to be as GENTLE as washing a child's mouth out with soap that has said something undesirable.....

OP- I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My mom said that one of the worst things she went through as a parent was when my middle bro was a BIGTIME biter....He bit everyone. She used to go to a gym to workout and they told her she couldn't bring him to the nursery anymore because he was always biting. The neighborhood kids named him JAWS. SHe did everything to try and prevent it but sometimes it just happened. SHe did say that when he was able to speak better and tell kids and adults what he wanted the biting stopped. And she said it lasted less than 5 months ( we just talked about this the other day) but it felt like the forever. She felt so bad that her son was hurting other kids. I hope the talk goes well with the other mom, and I hope that your dd does better at daycare with the not biting.<<<HUGS>>>

 

[lilyka]

I also wanted to point out that my dd biting was almost always born of frustration. she would also bite herslef (cause you better believed people jumped and gave her whatever she wanted once she bit herself. so hard occaisionally blood would flow she had a permanent bruise inthat spot)

and another reason to get the teacher involved is because it would be hard for things to get to nasty with a third party there.

 

[lilmiss'mama]

The vinegar and water solution was actually not the worst thing in the article. One mom actually put hot pepper flakes on her kid's tongue for a few seconds before letting him wash it off with some milk.

 

[anothermama]

Hrm.

My daughter was the "victim" when she was about a year old. Ish.

Heres the thing.......as a mom, I know it's a normal phase. A few kids bit her a few times. She even bit once or twice.

However, we also had a little girl who bit my daughter a dozen times in one week. To me, that is on the exessive side of "normal". And it deserves special attention. I really liked the little girl and her parents were AWESOME people, but I did tell the day care that if it continued and they didn't do something or kick her out, we'd leave. As did several other parents.

I think it's normal for kids that age to bite a few times here and there...it's almost like their own little experiment. When a baby becomes a habitual biter, I think it needs more attention. When this happened to us, I spent a lot of time looking up info online and in the library about it and found that most "experts" agree.......if a child is biting more than a certain ammount a day or a week, it's officially gone from being normal to being a problem.

I'm aware that I'm very lucky that it wasn't *me* in that position and that I may not be so lucky with my son when HES that age. So I don't know what to do about it..........for us, my daughter bit me ONCE and what I did was pretend to cry and tell her she hurt me.....and it never happened again. But I know that doesn't work for all kids.

I'm sure this must be a really stressful place to be in. I don't mean to be harsh. I'm just conveying my experience and how I felt as a mama on the other side of this issue.

I hope the talk goes well.

 

[sadie_sabot]

Well, we had "the talk" and it ultimately went well, although it was uncomfortable at times.

I mean, heck, i can identify. Our first job is to protect our kids, right? and her older kid was bitten a bunch at a pevious daycare, too.

So, we talked, she talked about feeling uncomfortable, and I talked to her about the things we are doing and trying to quell the biting. We also came up with the idea of offering biting toys and teething gel throughout the day, because most of the biting of this particular kid has seemed random and I think teething related. so the idea is, if dd's teeth are bothering her, offering good ways to deal with it as a preventative. I also suggested that dd and this kid be kept away from each otehr today.

the other momma is worried her kid is going to be scared of daycare, which is not so far the case. I am concerned that if the momma is scared, the kid will get scared, too. But at drop off today, the kid was happy and fine.

Ultimately it was a good talk. i wish we had the policy where the parents don't know which kid is biting though, because I kept feeling like I had to work to not get defensive. Especially when she suggested that dd is picking on her kid because she's the smallest.

But I think it's ok, but if her kid gets bitten again it will be hard to deal with.

thanks again for all of the advice and support. i really apprciated hearing from all of you who've been there on both sides.

 

[lilyka]

What?!!! You baby is 19 month olds. she is iting whoever is handy not picking on anyone for being small. good grief. I hadn't relised how young your dd is though. this definitely warrents more supervision in the classroom. Kids that age bite for no good reason at all or because they love the response they get. And daycare seems the perfect breeding gound for this type of behavior at this age.