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I'm staying with my parents right now (they live on the other side of the country and we're visiting) and she keeps making comments about my choices! Firstly, she refuses to spend any time without the television on (we're a TV free family) even though it's giving me headaches (I only ask that she shut it off for a half hour!) and she keeps making comments like "You had better never bring tofu over for that child or I'll be feeding him something else!" ???? He's MY child, I am his mother and it's MY decision to feed him what I feel is best for him (it's a stupid argument because he's too young for tofu right now, but it's the disrespect that bugs me). How dare you tell me that you would undermine my parenting! Then, when I explained my choices about natural toys she says "well, this is Grandma's house, anything goes." No, anything does not go! No matter where my child is, I expect people to at least try and respect my parenting choices. Oh, and this one is my favorite: "You're going to make him weird. You can't save the world through your child. It's just going to make him weird." What? Seriously? I'm just angry and irritable, especially since the TV is constantly blaring here. Thanks for reading and allowing me to get it out (without getting into it with my mother).
 

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Sorry she is making things so difficult.
For your sanity, try to let as much go as you can. Smile and nod, talk about the weather etc. How much longer are you visiting?
 

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I think I would be fuming if I were told "this is Grandma's house, anything goes".


Really? Anything goes? So she wouldn't mind if you brought tofu turkey sandwiches for lunch? And...she wouldn't mind if you busted or unplugged the television. Really???

Just remember: anything goes @ Grandma's house
 

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I've been in your shoes in a similar way. I lived across country and only visited about 3-4times a year. I am more tolerant to some things when I'm at Grandma's house tho - diet, tv etc - I figure that it IS only a few times a year, IMO its not goint to ruin what we have taught them - we just taught the kids that Gramma and Grampa do things differently than we do, and that if Gramma chooses to watch tv that is her choice in her own home - WE choose not to in OUR home.

They have learned the difference and they see a loaf of white bread and say "That's what Grampa eats, but its not as healthy". They see tv's and say Grampa loves TV but I love to play with my cars.

Its amazing how when you let go a little bit you see what you've taught your children showing up. Its hard to let go tho. I was also amazed at how my parents began to accept MY ways more and not disagree with me as much when I started to give a little at their home. Then when they come to visit me, I find they respect my rules more so at my house in return...kwim? Of course everyone is different, but I thought I'd share my experience.

Just a curous question - when she comes (if she does) to visit you in your home - do you allow her to bring her own foods into your home if she doesn't eat what you do? Do you allow her to bring a small tv and watch it in her room for example?

I hope you're able to come to a middle ground with your Mom some day! And I'm glad you have this place so you don't have to end up saying things that could be regretted later on!!
s
 

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oh i totally feel for you! i find that when visiting family one week is usually enough time to get out the "i miss you's" and to start with the "i miss home's"

do your parents live in your old hometown? if so maybe you could find some old friends to hang out with or visit some people/places with the kiddos... limit the amount of time she can assert her "its my house" authority over you.
 

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I always think you need to tread carefully with grandparents. Even if you aren't intending to, she may interpret your comments as putting down HER parenting choices, assuming you were raised eating meat, watching television, and playing with plastic toys. She might be very hurt that how she raised her children, is not "good enough" for yours.

Plus, it is her house. I don't really think you can go there and then be upset that she has the tv on. She is correct in that she gets to do what she wants in her own house... you just have the freedom to decide whether or not you want to visit.

I totally believe that people should be free to parent however they want, but I also don't believe that anyone should expect other people to bend over backwards accomodating them either. For me, I would be willing to put up with some television and plastic toys at Grandma's house in the spirit of family harmony.

I too hope that you can come to a more peaceful place with your mom.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ChaoticMum View Post

Just a curous question - when she comes (if she does) to visit you in your home - do you allow her to bring her own foods into your home if she doesn't eat what you do? Do you allow her to bring a small tv and watch it in her room for example?

I hope you're able to come to a middle ground with your Mom some day! And I'm glad you have this place so you don't have to end up saying things that could be regretted later on!!
s
My dad has brain cancer and can't travel, so she hasn't been able to come out and see us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by just_lily View Post
I always think you need to tread carefully with grandparents. Even if you aren't intending to, she may interpret your comments as putting down HER parenting choices, assuming you were raised eating meat, watching television, and playing with plastic toys. She might be very hurt that how she raised her children, is not "good enough" for yours.

Plus, it is her house. I don't really think you can go there and then be upset that she has the tv on. She is correct in that she gets to do what she wants in her own house... you just have the freedom to decide whether or not you want to visit.

I totally believe that people should be free to parent however they want, but I also don't believe that anyone should expect other people to bend over backwards accomodating them either. For me, I would be willing to put up with some television and plastic toys at Grandma's house in the spirit of family harmony.

I too hope that you can come to a more peaceful place with your mom.
It's not that I expect her to bend over backwards, but I do expect her to respect my parenting. I expect her to not give my children foods that I don't want them to have, I do expect her to not undermine my authority, which is what I feel is happening.
Sure, she can have the TV on and eat what she wants, but if I bring snacks for my children that I feel are appropriate, she shouldn't tell me that she's going to throw them out and give them what she wants.
The TV is a minor issue and you're right she can have it on if she wants. But if I say, no, don't do that with my child, she should respect that. And she needs to stop criticizing my choices by telling me that my children will end up weird, etc.
 

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Just as she has no right to tell you how to parent, you have no right to tell her to turn off the tv in her house.

Sorry, family can be very difficult sometimes.
 

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Wow, amazing how quick some people are to defend the television issue when there are many other problems that the OP mentioned.

It's funny to me how people are so defensive about the mother's 'right' to keep the television on non-stop, but if there was anything else being done that was giving the OP headaches then most likely there would be no disagreement about the complaint.
 

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In your shoes I just wouldn't leave my children alone with grandma. Sorry, the food issue just is too much for me. Threatening to THROW OUT food you bring for your child? That is really not on. If she does it, I would demand money to replace it - it belongs to you, not her!
 

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I think the problem here is balance.

In the OP's shoes, I would be upset that my parenting choices were being undermined. I've put a lot of thought into each one, and I feel that they're best for our family. This is how we prefer to live and I don't appreciate being put down for it!

In her mother's shoes, I would be upset that here's this person telling me what I can and cannot do and have in my home. If I want plastic toys around, I'm not going to hide them from one grandchild whose parents prefer natural. That's absurd. So is getting mad that I have my tv on! It's MY house - whatever happened to the 'when in Rome' custom? So frustrating that she can't respect MY home and ME but expects me to bend over for HER!

There's a lot of love for your child, OP. It's just shown in different ways, but it all comes down to the same - what is 'best'. I think the tug of war you and your mom are having is not optimal, though. Some things have to be relaxed on so that the big issues and non-negotiables can be taken seriously and not fall into the nit-picking litany of complaints.
 

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: I'm sorry. What a tough situation. Some things I could see letting go of--grandmothers like to spoil their grandkids with food, toys, etc. But, while an occasional junk food binge with grandma is ok, staying there for weeks means it gets out of hand. The same with the TV. Are there any parks or playgrounds you can go to for a few hours? Take a picnic of appropriate foods and get out of the house.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by LilyGrace View Post
I think the problem here is balance.

In the OP's shoes, I would be upset that my parenting choices were being undermined. I've put a lot of thought into each one, and I feel that they're best for our family. This is how we prefer to live and I don't appreciate being put down for it!

In her mother's shoes, I would be upset that here's this person telling me what I can and cannot do and have in my home. If I want plastic toys around, I'm not going to hide them from one grandchild whose parents prefer natural. That's absurd. So is getting mad that I have my tv on! It's MY house - whatever happened to the 'when in Rome' custom? So frustrating that she can't respect MY home and ME but expects me to bend over for HER!
:
 
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