[momtokea]

I swear she's going to send me off the deep end soon.

Last month on dd's birthday MIL sent an email addressed to dd telling her to "please email Auntie because she wants to talk to you about something."
My kids don't have their own email address or computer. Any emails they may get come to my account on my computer. MIL knows this. I replied and said "Please tell Auntie that she is more than welcome to email dd at any time". She never emailed, nor did MIL say anything about it again in an email or in person. So that was pretty much the end of that.

The problem is that 3 years ago Auntie had a falling out with dh and I and the relationship is very tense. We saw her at MIL's on Christmas Eve but did not speak to each other. MIL knows all about the issues.

Yesterday I sent an email to MIL to tell her about dd doing well at her music festival performance. The email was written, signed, and sent by me. She replied with an email addressed to dd congratulating her. It was a very nice email. No problem. Except at the end she wrote "please pass this on to Auntie."

I plan to completely ignore this request. I know MIL will pass this on to Auntie anyway, but wait around to see what I am going to do.

So I guess I'm just venting, and I know this sounds like such a minor issue, but I can't stand dealing with this passive aggressive cr8p. It's this sort of thing that caused the problem to begin with.

Is this normal communication for a family? Am I just strange for refusing to deal with it and letting it bother me? Why is MIL even involving herself, being a middle man?

 

[SmoothieMom]

but if your DH had the falling out with Auntie, why does that affect you or your DD's relationship with her? Why can't you still write her or have DD write her or whatever?

Sounds like MIL just wants everyone to get along?

 

[mamarootoo]

putting a child in the middle of that is manipulative and wrong. if auntie wants to contact you DD, fine. whatever. but your MIL trying to manipulate your DD into is flat out evil.

 

[momtokea]

Actually, the issue involved both dh and I and it's quite complicated.
If she wants to talk to us why doesn't she instead of going through MIL?

ETA: Auntie is a 48yo woman with grown children. MIL is 80.

 

[SmoothieMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea Actually, the issue involved both dh and I and it's quite complicated. .

Oh, sorry I read your post wrong, my mistake.

I still don't really see why MIL is so wrong though, maybe she just wants to try and get you all back together again? That would be nice right?

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom Oh, sorry I read your post wrong, my mistake. I still don't really see why MIL is so wrong though, maybe she just wants to try and get you all back together again? That would be nice right?

then she should do it without being underhanded and manipulative. this would put the OP's DD in a really uncomfortable situation, and that's really unfair.

 

[momtokea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom Oh, sorry I read your post wrong, my mistake. I still don't really see why MIL is so wrong though, maybe she just wants to try and get you all back together again? That would be nice right?

Yes, and I suppose what happened today is really no big deal. I could just easily pass on dd's happy news to Auntie and maybe things would be better.

I guess I'm just still a bit bitter over the birthday email. Auntie telling MIL to tell dd to contact her. It just seems so passive aggressive, going through MIL. Plus, there is so much negative history I can't even get into right now. This is how communication was even at the best of times, kwim?
Why can't MIL tell Auntie (her own daughter) to just contact us herself, yet she can tell me?

 

[momtokea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo then she should do it without being underhanded and manipulative. this would put the OP's DD in a really uncomfortable situation, and that's really unfair.

Thank you for understanding, mamarootoo. I feel that if I give in I would just turn myself (and my whole family) into a doormat again, inviting them all to come wipe their feet on us.

Dh says MIL is afraid of Auntie

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea Yes, and I suppose what happened today is really no big deal. I could just easily pass on dd's happy news to Auntie and maybe things would be better. I guess I'm just still a bit bitter over the birthday email. Auntie telling MIL to tell dd to contact her. It just seems so passive aggressive, going through MIL. Plus, there is so much negative history I can't even get into right now. This is how communication was even at the best of times, kwim? Why can't MIL tell Auntie (her own daughter) to just contact us herself, yet she can tell me?

(bolding mine)

but that would be your choice. if you choose to be the "bigger person" and make first contact, that's great, and it could improve your family life and make everyone happy!

it's still wrong for MIL and Auntie to put that kind of thing on a child.

 

[momtokea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo (bolding mine) but that would be your choice. if you choose to be the "bigger person" and make first contact, that's great, and it could improve your family life and make everyone happy! it's still wrong for MIL and Auntie to put that kind of thing on a child.

I could be a good DIL and do as I was told

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea I could be a good DIL and do as I was told

ETA: i wasn't saying you should do that... just that it shouldn't be put on your daughter. i don't know about your situation, but i think keeping truly toxic people out of my family's life is very important!

 

[Kirsten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea Why is MIL even involving herself, being a middle man?

I'd venture to guess that when you're 80, you want things to be settled. Can you imagine your kids not getting along as adults - not even speaking? They each have a relationship with her now, but not each other - and they may need each other when she is gone. My heart breaks for her; I'd feel I failed if my kids couldn't rise above whatever is water under the bridge. And it is affecting the next generation too. If you and dp and SIL were civil but not warm, that is one thing. But no contact? And letting that continue down to your kids? Given what I've read in the thread so far, that is a shame.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom but if your DH had the falling out with Auntie, why does that affect you or your DD's relationship with her? Why can't you still write her or have DD write her or whatever? Sounds like MIL just wants everyone to get along?

Exactly. Without knowing what terrible things she did, it is hard to back you up in completely cutting her out of your life and your dd's life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea If she wants to talk to us why doesn't she instead of going through MIL?

Maybe MIL is trying to patch things up from both sides. Maybe SIL isn't telling MIL to do anything at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea Yes, and I suppose what happened today is really no big deal. I could just easily pass on dd's happy news to Auntie and maybe things would be better. I guess I'm just still a bit bitter over the birthday email. Auntie telling MIL to tell dd to contact her. It just seems so passive aggressive, going through MIL. Why can't MIL tell Auntie (her own daughter) to just contact us herself, yet she can tell me?

It really isn't a big deal. Yes, be the bigger person; model that for your kids.

I don't know what the details of the issue were - but was it really a big enough deal to interupt a brother-sister relationship? To take away an auntie from her neices and nephews? To break an 80 year old woman's heart? Because that is what it is doing; I can almost guarantee it. How will you feel if they decide to bury the hatchet at her funeral? To know that she died with her kids not speaking. It isn't worth it. Be the bigger person.

 

[Lisa1970]

MIL is wrong. She is using your daughter. If adult auntie cannot be a grown up and get along with the parents of a child, then the child does not need to be drug in to it like a little puppet. Let the child be a child. Auntie does not need to be a part of child's life until auntie can grow up. It is clear that MIL wants to use your child as a puppet and go between. If you let her, she is basically trying to pit your child against you. It sounds like she is trying to get your child to be on aunties side and so on.

To top it off, I take real big issue with anyone who tries to get between adults and their relationships. MIL is beyond out of line to keep trying to put things with auntie on your shoulders. MIL needs to butt out.

 

[Lisa1970]

By the way, I do not agree with the "be the bigger person" mentality. That is generally the excuse in toxic relationships. Then all you model for the children is why it is ok to be abused, the excuses to make in a toxic situation, and to not have self preservation.

Having healthy relationships and maintaining reasonable boundaries and exercising self respect..that is being the bigger person and being the example you need to be for your children.

 

[octobermom]

I refuse to give my MIL my email she lost that privlege when we had our then 2.5 year old evulated for speech issues (she apraxic) and MIL announced she HAD to be austic and she HAD to be instutionlized

:
We have caller ID JUST because of her, I now refuse to ever answer a call from here if at home alone and often let DH handle her if he is home. Why cause she tends to pit us against each other over stupid things.. Like she'll ask whats my opnion on wicker furniture I'll say its not my style and as far as I know its not DH style then latter she'll tell my DH that I told her her offer of giving us free furniture was turned down and that I'd called her gift ugly and stupid and how did HE feel about my comments

THough I do realize DD still loes her and will allow a relationship they can not be alone the first time we dared allowing our then 7 month old to stay while we caught a movie resulted in her being kept in a play pen the entire time screaming and they refused to change her.. The second invloved her bringing my then 1 year old out side with her where they left her unsupervised near a pool and my pure grace of God I steped outside JUST as she placed her foot into the hot tub (not on but plenty deep).
This is the same woman who demanded I stop BF at 6 weeks or my DD would grow up gay

Who suggested we leave (literly get in the car and leave someplace) the house so we wouldn't need to hear the baby crying

.. Oh I could go on and on..
Point? I don't mind being the bigger person I don't mind occasionally setting aside even big feelings to keep peace but for us MIL crossed the line years ago *and FWIW her mothering skills weren't any better* and while SHE will never respond to our boundries other than further convince her I'm a horrible DIL who stole her son away those boundries are needed. There needed to keep our marriage sane to keep DD protected and to keep me from going crazy.

Deanna

 

[momtokea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirsten It really isn't a big deal. Yes, be the bigger person; model that for your kids. I don't know what the details of the issue were - but was it really a big enough deal to interupt a brother-sister relationship? To take away an auntie from her neices and nephews? To break an 80 year old woman's heart? Because that is what it is doing; I can almost guarantee it. How will you feel if they decide to bury the hatchet at her funeral? To know that she died with her kids not speaking. It isn't worth it. Be the bigger person.

You make a lot of good points. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I'm certainly not happy to be breaking the heart of an 80yo woman. But as I said in my original post, on dd's bday we get an email out of the blue telling us to email Auntie because SHE has something to tell dd. I replied saying she is "more than welcome to email us at anytime". We never received any email or anything from Auntie.

So, I don't see how I am breaking her heart. I also don't see why she keeps involving me in this passive aggressive way ... asking me to tell dd to email Auntie and then making me look like the bad guy when I don't.

I obviously don't understand, or function very well, in their passive aggressive world. Maybe Auntie isn't asking her to say anything, but that would be hard to believe because they are very close and see each other nearly everyday.

I also don't do guilt. Yes, she is 80, and maybe her heart is breaking, and someday she'll die and we'll all feel sad. Well, we all have hearts, and we are all going to die someday.

 

[mamarootoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirsten I'd venture to guess that when you're 80, you want things to be settled. Can you imagine your kids not getting along as adults - not even speaking? They each have a relationship with her now, but not each other - and they may need each other when she is gone. My heart breaks for her; I'd feel I failed if my kids couldn't rise above whatever is water under the bridge. And it is affecting the next generation too. If you and dp and SIL were civil but not warm, that is one thing. But no contact? And letting that continue down to your kids? Given what I've read in the thread so far, that is a shame. Exactly. Without knowing what terrible things she did, it is hard to back you up in completely cutting her out of your life and your dd's life. Maybe MIL is trying to patch things up from both sides. Maybe SIL isn't telling MIL to do anything at all. It really isn't a big deal. Yes, be the bigger person; model that for your kids. I don't know what the details of the issue were - but was it really a big enough deal to interupt a brother-sister relationship? To take away an auntie from her neices and nephews? To break an 80 year old woman's heart? Because that is what it is doing; I can almost guarantee it. How will you feel if they decide to bury the hatchet at her funeral? To know that she died with her kids not speaking. It isn't worth it. Be the bigger person.

i think the problem is that the MIL is putting the OP's DD in a really bad situation. it should not be a child's responsibility to bridge a gap like that.

if the MIL had been repeatedly asking the OP to contact the aunt, i would see it as a completely different thing. i have no idea what issues separated the OP and her DH and SIL. that's really not the issue at all. neither is the actual separation or the effect it has on the family. it's the fact that the MIL is trying to manipulate a child into doing something her parents don't want to do.

 

[momtokea]

Okay, so, I was the one who posted the thread earlier this week about the DIL responsibilities to the inlaws.
Again my feeling come down to this: why is MIL involving me, when I am the DIL? What am I supposed to do to fix their relationships when I'm not even a blood relative? Why should I care about breaking my MIL's heart when her children won't even do anything about it?
Why me?

 

[Kirsten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 By the way, I do not agree with the "be the bigger person" mentality. That is generally the excuse in toxic relationships. Then all you model for the children is why it is ok to be abused, the excuses to make in a toxic situation, and to not have self preservation.

We have absolutely no idea if the SIL is toxic or not. We don't have that information. If she actually is toxic and what has happened was deserving of severing ties between adult siblings then I'd never suggest being the bigger person. But we don't know. I've read so many threads with people who cut relatives out of their lives for the most ridiculous reasons - sad and the kids lose out while the adults each demand they are in the right. True abuse, true toxic relatives - sure, cut them out of your lives. Differences of opinion, misunderstandings, different religious beliefs or parenting styles - not worth the price a family pays when something like this happens. We don't know in the OP's case.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarootoo it should not be a child's responsibility to bridge a gap like that. i have no idea what issues separated the OP and her DH and SIL. that's really not the issue at all. neither is the actual separation or the effect it has on the family.

It isn't a child's responsibility. But it may take a child since none of the adults will take the first step towards reconcilliation. If our kids were mad at each other for something, would we hope they cool down, apologies made, move on - or hate each other forever and refuse to so much as speak or send an email? We are models for them.

And the issue(s) that caused this really IS the issue IMO. If it is truly worth cutting ties permanently, then the negative effect it has on MIL and the OP's kids and her dp and her SIL and her are all prices that have to be paid. Sad but necessary. But I don't get that feel from some of the things that the OP says. The issue that started this problem is the determining factor in whether the OP should help facilitate a reconcilliation or support her dp in continuing to block SIL from their lives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by momtokea why is MIL involving me, when I am the DIL? What am I supposed to do to fix their relationships when I'm not even a blood relative? Why should I care about breaking my MIL's heart when her children won't even do anything about it? Why me?

It reminds me of the "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" quote. Sometimes we do more than our share of the work. Fair - no. But that is how it works sometimes. Is it the OP's responsibility to fix it when it should be her dp and his sister working it out - no. But neither of them ARE. MIL is reaching out to you for help. If you think this can be fixed, if you think that SIL is a decent person in general (we have all said and done things that we later regretted), then I'd start cc'ing SIL on kid info emails like the one you sent your MIL. I'd make small talk with SIL at the next family gathering. I'd send her a Xmas letter with pix of the kids.