[captain optimism]

I don't know if this belongs here, but generally threads about the parents/in-laws of parents are here.

My mom is a little hyper about my son, her only grandchild. My dh is having a hard time dealing with how incredibly intense she is being about the baby. No, it's not what you think: she's not calling him "our baby" or "my baby" (and frankly, that wouldn't bug me so much) she's not acting like he's her child. She is a little pushy about wanting me to parent her way, which is hurtful, particularly because at 8.5 months, he is a spectacularly happy and healthy baby. What I mean is, how could we be doing better by him if he looks this good?

The main thing is that she's just kind of hard to take. She wants us to accelerate ds's development, to kind of push him to the next milestone with directed play. Okay, whatever. I'm here typing this in my office, when am I going to do directed play? Even if I thought it was a good idea, which I don't. Then there is her whole problem with letting him sleep in our bed, which she thinks is bad, and baby-wearing (which we hardly ever do, but as seldom as we do it, she thinks it's too much!)

Luckily she doesn't live nearby--but maybe it's not so lucky? My folks visited in August and we planned a trip to see them in November for Thanksgiving, but my mom also wanted to come during October. My dh said I should please tell my mom no! She seemed to take no for an answer--but...she really wanted to come later in October, and just assumed that I was agreeing that she could come later. (She took my "no" for "not now", which was indeed how I put it.)

So she planned to come the last weekend in October. My dh's family is gathering that weekend for a stone-setting ceremony for his grandparents who died last year. So we planned to go to that.

Now my mom is all hissy-pissy, because we are going to his family and they will get to see the baby more than she will.

Maybe there isn't anything you can advise me to do. If my dh weren't so annoyed, I would just let them come. Because even though my mom is super critical and annoying, I don't want her to miss out on seeing the baby. I am going to hear the criticisms anyway over the phone, so why not let her visit and be happy?

:LOL

If you do have advice, bring it on.

 

[eilonwy]

My mom is not a believer in directed play, just that my son should do the things I did (we've had this discussion before, haven't we? :LOL). I bet she'd respond well to research and proof. For example, continue to point out to her that your son is happy and healthy and thriving, show her statistics on nursing, co-sleeping, etc, and point her to books like "The Hurried Child" (can't remember who wrote that) that talk about the negative aspects of pushing a child before they're ready.

People (not my mother!) frequently ask me why my son doesn't have any Baby Einstien videos (or any videos at all for that matter). How will he learn to read without educational television? I point out the following: I never had a developmental toy or directed play (my mother didn't have a lap for most of my early childhood!) and I still managed to teach myself to read at the age of two. Moreover, Albert Einstien didn't have videos, directed play, and didn't speak until he was four years old. He was a horrible student, and most people would still rank him as one of the smartest people ever to have lived.

I have no idea what to say to you on the visiting except

and I hope it all works out well.

 

[bestjob]

My parents don't live nearby and they make almost no effort to see their grandchildren. I say, let your mom and your ds develop their own relationship. If she wants to visit for a weekend and do directed play with him, then let her. She is not actually doing anything harmful, just waving some coloured letters in his face. He'll chew those as happily as he'll chew the dog's tail IMO. How's she gonna learn to be an effective grandma if a kid doesn't teach her?

 

[captain optimism]

Quote:

Originally posted by eilonwy My mom is not a believer in directed play, just that my son should do the things I did (we've had this discussion before, haven't we? :LOL). I bet she'd respond well to research and proof. For example, continue to point out to her that your son is happy and healthy and thriving, show her statistics on nursing, co-sleeping, etc, and point her to books like "The Hurried Child" (can't remember who wrote that) that talk about the negative aspects of pushing a child before they're ready.

There is a problem with arguing with my mom using such outmoded notions as facts and logic. If I start doing that, she'll say something reasonable like "You are the mom, I don't need to know all this." then she will continue to offer advice to beat the band, because she is ignoring everything I have read!

But the book is a great idea! I can buy it used and give to her at Thanksgiving. I'm sure she's already read it (my mom is in education and is very well read in child psychology!)

She decided before she knew anything about it that she doesn't like AP. What doesn't she like about it? The attachment part. Nursing doesn't bother her, she nursed us. (Though it does bother her that my son hasn't weaned himself spontaneously-- against my wish that he nurse for at least one year. She was kind of counting on that!) No, she doesn't like the holding, cuddling, sleeping together thing. She thinks I need to let the baby play by himself so he'll become the genius I was. (ha. If I'm such a genius, then why doesn't she trust me to do anything myself?)

Ugh, whatever. I would have been delighted to have her visit even so. This is something I'm going to have to work out with my honey.

 

[hypatia]

Captain Optimism,

Wow, your post hit close to home! I, too, have issues with my mother obsessing over my baby, and I don't know what to do about it. My mother also lives far away and without consulting made plans to travel out here for the week of my due date. When I found out, I called her with my hands shaking and told her I didn't want her to visit me then. So then, also without asking me first, she bought tickets to visit two weeks with later. When I actually had the baby, she couldn't contain herself, and the day I got home from the hospital there was a knock at our door, and there was my mother! She just couldn't wait until my son was two weeks old to come visit, so she had to come twice.

In a way, it's sort of nice that someone else is taking the level of interest that I do in my baby, but it's also kind of scary.

Anyway, I can't really offer any advice, because I'm lousy at dealing with my own mother. But it seems like you really need to stand up for your husband, even if it's not fun! He's in an awkward position without your intervention. Good luck!

 

[captain optimism]

Oh, yeah, the "coming around the time you are due" trick. My mom tried that. I completely shut that one down. Told her no. Not for my husband, for ME! I couldn't imagine how incredibly awful it would be to have her there for the birth.

As it was, she came three days later (which was what I agreed to, not a surprise!) and was completely unbearable. Insisted on washing every baby garment and presenting it to my inspection, because she thought that was helpful. This while I was just trying to get nursing started. Eep.

(Also as it was, because my mom was calling like EVERY DAY she figured out when I went to the hospital...and had my dad calling the hospital to find out whether I'd given birth already! Of course I had a very complicated, not natural birth that lasted several days. The idiots at the hospital actually put through one of my father's calls to my room while I was in the middle of some heavy contractions, screaming in pain.

Okay, whatever. She's my mom, I can't get another one at this late date. She has mellowed considerably in the last eight months or so...

 

[normajean]

My mom used to always compare my son to her babies and it drove me batty. "He looks like my babies did" "my babies always took a bath lying down" etc. Couldn't stand it. I was talking to her about AP one day and she said "Oh Gosh, the kids don't have to sleep in your BED do they?" A little background, DH and have been doing AP for a long time and didn't even know there was a name for it, just doing what felt right. We don't co-sleep, except maybe once a week when DS wants to, and its fine then. So I was telling mom I wasn't crazy and other people do this too, and she went off about this doctorPhil episode about people who did that and how weird they were....

I don't know what to say as far as advice, but I do know how you feel.

 

[eilonwy]

T If Dr. Phil thinks AP is strange, then I really want to be crunchier. According to him, my best friend and I are having an affair.

 

[CerridwenLorelei]

I have to hear more on that one...
How are you and your best friend having an affair? Maybe me and mine are too you know since he has an XY after all *rolls eyes**
If you don't want to put it up here pm me I have to hear this one..

and I want to know more about the show he had where AP was called
"weird" boy I do have something to say about weird and that man LOL

 

[eilonwy]

Oh, he did a show about emotional affairs a while back where he basically said that if you're married then you should have all your most important needs met within your marriage.

Well, I'm a nerdly person, and I have nerdly needs which my dh is simply not capable of meeting. I love him to bits, and I wouldn't trade him, but the fact is he's not my intellectual equal. My best friend, however, is my intellectual equal, and so I have that "need" met through him. Thus, I am having an affair with my best friend, because I "should" be having this need met within my marriage.

It would be one thing if dh felt that way; if he felt like I was neglecting him or even "cheating" on him with my friend. He totally doesn't. He's glad that I can talk to someone else about things that I can't really discuss (or rather, that I can't enjoy discussing) with him. It's not like I'm going to leave my dh for my friend, but somehow what I'm doing is just as bad...

 

[CerridwenLorelei]

then I am bad too!! ROFLMAO

 

[nuggetsmom]

Wow, This is so my problem too.

My mom came when Dd was born and mopped my carpets for me. Yes, she mopped them.

And she is very critical of things everyone including me does. When I point it out to her she says she is just making a joke. Last time she visited I blew up at her as she is pointing our how much better she is with DD than I am becuase she can get her to wear what she wants. She still doesn't get that I don't find critisism funny.

Oh well, I have no answer. No advice (except don't blow up at her) but sympathy