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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, we moved into our new house and have had the loveliest couple of weeks. DH has been so nice to us, has helped with the housework, and I thought things might have changed for good.

Well, now I'm thinking they haven't. Tomorrow, I have to drive down to the old house and give it a thorough clean-out, most likely including hauling things to the dump and some heavy lifting. I was planning on DH coming with me because I absolutely cannot do it myself. I can't back the car with a trailer on it, so he has to take off the trailer in the driveway, I have to turn the car, and he has to put it back on. I'm not strong enough to do it by myself, not to mention some of the garbage is really heavy and I had a back injury a couple of years ago and am not supposed to be lifting anything above 50 pounds, which the trailer and a couple of the things we have to throw out definitely are.

SOMEONE also has to finish sanding and painting a wall DH punched and put a hole into.

And that's in addition to the extensive vacuuming and mopping we have to do because our moving released a hell of a lot of dust bunnies.

It's not going to be a pleasant day, but I was hoping we could at least do it together. I even arranged daycare for the kids, which I don't like to do, but it had to be done and it's at the resort I'll soon be working at, so they get to play tennis and swim with vacationers all day.


Then DH drops the bomb--He bought a laptop on Ebay and he is goign to sit in the house waiting for it to arrive "so it doesn't get stolen." He doesn't know when the laptop is actually coming. Odds are it isn't tomorrow as he only paid today. But he is firm--he's not coming to clean with me and I can just do everything alone.

I told him I physically can't, and if the house isn't clean and repaired by Thursday, we will get billed, and we don't have the extra money for that. *sigh* The keys also have to be back on Thursday and after Wednesday the power will be off. I could wait a day or two but it means rearranging the daycare for the children and, if the laptop hasn't come by then (very likely) STILL doing it all alone.

So once again he gets to sit around the house--the new house, no less--and watch cartoons while I do all the work, this time work I'm physically incapable of doing but which has to be done.

What is going through his head? I've been so nice to him and have forgiven him for what he did while we were moving our stuff. I even let him buy the stupud laptop we couldn't afford.
 

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Originally Posted by Minky View Post
So once again he gets to sit around the house--the new house, no less--and watch cartoons while I do all the work, this time work I'm physically incapable of doing but which has to be done.

What is going through his head? I've been so nice to him and have forgiven him for what he did while we were moving our stuff. I even let him buy the stupud laptop we couldn't afford.

What's going through his head? I'd say it's something along the lines of "cool - she'll do all the work, and I don't have to do anything, and now I get a nifty laptop - this is a pretty sweet deal". He treats you like crap. You forgive him, reward him, be nice to him...he treats you like crap. You forgive him, reward him, be nice to him...he treats you like crap...you... you know the rest.

Minky. He's got you right where he wants you. Can you give me any reason why he should change? The consequences of his current behaviour are that he occasionally has to smarten up for a few days, or maybe a couple weeks. That's it. Then, he goes right back to the way he was already acting, and you continue to make sure everything gets taken care of. Why should he change? This is working out great...for him. And, he won't choose to believe you're physically incapable for doing the work, if you do it. What it costs you, physically, isn't part of the equation...if you say you can't do it, then you do it, then obviously you could do it, so it's a non-issue. Been there, done that...got all the emotional scars to show for it.

He has no reason to change. He's not unhappy about the way things are, because he gets what he wants - at your expense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm considering forgoing the "kids camp," taking the kids, cleaning the house, and going to my mom's place. The result would be he would starve because he's too lazy to walk to McDonalds (and probably too afraid the laptop will come while he's gone).

But I would STILL have to clean the old house and the kids would have to sit through it. (My parents aren't home all day to watch them.) And it just doesn't seem fair on the kids because there's very little they can do or help with in this case.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
And as for the physically incapable thing, I actually am going to have to leave some of the garbage at the house and tell the landlord to take the hauling-away fee out of the bond because I can't physically lift the trailer or some of what has to be thrown away. He seems to think I'll do it anyway, but I can't and won't. I can do everything else.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Minky View Post
What is going through his head? I've been so nice to him and have forgiven him for what he did while we were moving our stuff. I even let him buy the stupud laptop we couldn't afford.

I'm sorry to say this, but what's going through his head is that from past experience he knows that you will put up with pretty much anything from him.
 

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Honest to freaking goodness. I'd sell his laptop and hire a friend or neighbor or even a temp from Manpower to help me. And then with the rest of the money, I'd change the locks and put his ass on the street.

I'm sorry, this is just too much.
 

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Originally Posted by mamatoni View Post
if his only excuse for staying at home is to wait for the laptop, you could offer to do that for him and HE could go clean the house....
Now WHY didn't I think of that!!!!!!!!!

Hole in one!!!!
 

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Originally Posted by mamatoni View Post
if his only excuse for staying at home is to wait for the laptop, you could offer to do that for him and HE could go clean the house....
Yeah, that was my thought as well. Why wasn't that suggested to him?
 

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Brilliant. You stay and watch for the laptop. After all, YOU'RE the one with the back injury and medical orders. And YOU'RE the one who did all the packing and cleaning to move to the new house already. If I recall correctly, he didn't do anything but give you a hard time. If he's a good boy and gets everything done in one day, he won't have to go back a second time, that time with the kids in tow. You, of course, will still be home waiting for his laptop since it probably won't come tomorrow. And if that's a reasonable course of action for him (staying home for days waiting for a laptop), then it should be just as reasonable for you to do so.

If he can't get his butt in gear to take care of things at the old house and your family gets hit with fees, guess he'll just have to turn around and sell that laptop to help cover them.

Seriously, why do you keep him?
 

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I say this with only kindness. He is not making you jump through hoops. He's just watching and laughing at you while you jump through hoops all by yourself.

He doesn't have you between a rock and a hard place. He's not beating you (I hope?) and keeping you penniless and without resources. You have plenty of resources. Frankly you're in a better position than he is. You could put HIM between a rock and a hard place if you wanted (and I'm not recommending that).

There is no reason to keep playing this charade except that you seem to want to?
 

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I seem to remember from previous threads that Minky's [insert various words] "partner" can't drive because his license was suspended or something.

anyway, I have no words for this situation. i just don't know what you're getting out of this relationship emotionally or financially. Hell, I don't even know why you let the loser [insert various words] move with you in the first place!

Since I can't be supportive or helpful, I'll just stop.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Whoever said he can't drive is correct. His license is suspended.

I really don't know why I stay. He is fun to be around when things are good, but things haven't been good for a long, long time. He does nothing around the house. I went to the grocery store and when I came home, he says, "Your parents called... five times." He didn't pick up the phone once and I now can't reach them and therefore don't know what was wrong. He has no consideration for me.

He is good with the kids when he has them. They're always happy and entertained.

I guess I stay because I don't know where I'd go if I leave. I could stay at my mom's house temporarily, but it's a small house and I've got my own issues with my mom that make me not want to be there for long. If I kick him out, there's no way he'll stay away, and he'll make life into living h_ll for myself and the kids, and I'll end up looking like the bad guy who kicked Daddy onto the street. He's also very likely to get the kids in a custody battle and I just couldn't handle that.

I also might be pregnant, which would be catastrophic, and I don't think I could handle a pregnancy and a divorce at the same time.

But I'm just so burned out. We can't afford to hire Manpower or anyone else because the money went to a stupid laptop and I don't start work for a week. We have to do this on our own and I can't do it alone. I've decided to postpone things for a day, reschedule the daycare, and just hope the laptop makes an appearance tomorrow so we can all go together the next day.
 

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Minky...as far as I can tell, he's already making life a living hell for you. What would be different if you didn't live together?

Do you have any solid reason for thinking he'd get custody of the kids...or for thinking that he'd ask for it? And, is there any particular reason why you can't kick him out of the house you're in right now? Can you not afford the rent without him, or anything like that?

You paint a picture of somebody who subtracts from your life in every respect, and yet you think you're going to lose something once he's gone. Obviously, I can't make guarantees over the internet, but I highly doubt you'd lose anything by getting rid of him.

And, this is really, really bad for your kids, no matter how good he is with them. No child needs to see their mother being treated like this.
 

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Mama ... it's called a cycle for a reason. Of course it was nice for a while. That's how cycles run, until they inevitably come full circle and start over again.

I know you want the man you married back, but there is just nothing that makes it sound as though you can have him back by doing what you've done before.

Have you followed the advice to get in touch with free or low-cost and/or anonymous legal counsel to clarify your custody situation yet? If not you really should. Even if you're really just not up to leaving right now, it's still better to know than to speculate.
 

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Ebay doesn't ship that fast..never has, never will. It takes a good 3 days at least for anything to arrive from Ebay and even that is pushing it. He is playing with you and you are going to let him get away with it. Make him go. You do have the power, you have to find the strength.
 

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You can't possibly have really thought he "changed" in the past two weeks because he acted better and "helped" with housework. You know he didn't have some epiphany, electric shock therapy or ray of light from heaven...and even if he was in therapy, no one changes that fast. True change takes time, effort and acknowledgement from the individual...and just acknowledgement isn't enough...he must be making tangible changes.

You could sell the laptop. He got the money from you, correct?

And didn't you mention in an old post that it's a possibility for him to stay at his own parents' house?

Like everyone said before, divorce is not more difficult than what you're already going through! And who says it has to be an actual divorce right away? Why can't it be living separately?

OP, it's not your fault that he's the way he is.

But it is your fault if you stay.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
Honest to freaking goodness. I'd sell his laptop and hire a friend or neighbor or even a temp from Manpower to help me. And then with the rest of the money, I'd change the locks and put his ass on the street.

I'm sorry, this is just too much.
 
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